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I was a live-in caregiver for my mom for a year before placing her in memory care. It was very difficult in the beginning because I was so used to taking care of her and I was terrified that she would be miserable and not taken care of. There was definitely an adjustment period, but my family assured me that living in MC was best for her as they specialize in caring for people with dementia in all stages. After a few weeks, my mom even seemed to enjoy living there. She is very social and at the point she became a resident she was pretty high-functioning. She was ambulatory and frankly in pretty good health, other than her cognitive decline. There were things that I noticed that bothered me at first, she was always wearing at least one item of clothing that wasn’t hers, sometimes her clothes didn’t look too clean, I bought a number of phone chargers and they would always say she lost hers. I figured that these were just issues that probably happen a lot at memory care facilities, and I just needed to trust that she is in a safe place and well taken care of.


On Christmas Eve I got a call saying she was going to the hospital for abdominal pain, she stayed at the hospital for 2 days and was released. They couldn’t really find anything wrong, she had low potassium levels, so she went back to her facility. It’s definitely hard to communicate with the facility on most days, or get a call back which has been a problem from the start. Things started happening pretty quickly after that. She usually gets 2-3 visits a week from family members. We take her out to lunch and shopping etc. Beginning last month, she started passing out whenever we tried to take her out, she goes to the hospital and they don’t really find anything wrong, they give her fluids-they release her. She has been to the hospital 5 times since Christmas Eve. She has lost so much weight since she’s been there, she is so weak. In 5 months she has lost at least 40 lbs. She has always been a very picky eater, but I have been bringing groceries with tons of things she likes that are easy to eat. I was only allowed to see her room last week (Covid policies) because she fainted when we went to visit. She looked horrible. I asked for water for her-they brought in a full pitcher with a paper cup. She gets confused when eating or drinking. She spilled the water all over herself and her bed 2x. So I went and bought a bunch of small water bottles and kids cups. So, basically I feel like she is having trouble and gets confused about eating and drinking. It doesn’t do any good for me to buy her food if she doesn’t remember she has it or even how to open packages and she seems like she has forgotten how to actually eat. We have noticed this on visits and help her eat and drink, but im starting to realize they don’t do that at the facility. They always say she refuses to eat, but I think she needs assistance. I never dreamed that she wouldn’t be getting assistance. Surely they encounter this, it’s a MC facility for all stages.


She also had what I thought was a rash at first. It’s scabies. They said they can't be positive because they can’t get a dermatology appointment, so they are treating her for scabies to be safe. And that we shouldn’t visit for 7 days just in case. Waited 7 days, saw her this last weekend, she is covered in scabs, even on her face. When I was in her room she didn’t have one piece of clothing in her room. Is this normal? Does this happen at facilities? We just began hospice care last week, I have been working with her case worker, she is awesome. Will hospice care take note if she’s not getting proper care? I’m so confused, I thought I was trying to be too involved and that I needed to let go a little and have some trust. I feel so guilty, she looks like she is on death's door. I feel a little more confident now that hospice is involved, I just wonder if anyone has had any experience with this. Thank you for reading, sorry for such a long question.

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No this is not normal. Her clothes should have her name in them and returned to her room. Moms AL they washed the residents clothes separate. So, they wash, dry and return to the resident. No mixing up of clothes. The scabbies, they came from somewhere, another resident or staff. I would call the Health department and see how they would handle this. 40 lbs! They should be questioning why Mom has lost so much weight. There should be a nutritionist associated with the MC.

Since Moms clothes seem to disappear, I would wash them myself. Go to the laundry room and see if you can find them. If not, ask that they be looked for among the female residents Moms size. MC ur paying for so means residents can afford there own clothing. I put Moms clothing in sets. Then I knew what was missing. When she entered LTC I took pictures of everything she owned.

You need to sit down with the director and find out what is going on. Then u may want to consider another MC.
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Shanindo Mar 2022
Thank you for replying and for the suggestions. I just became aware that I could pick up her laundry and wash her clothing myself. Of course I wish I was aware of this earlier, but I think it will help. I’m hoping not that she is under hospice care with 2 visits from a nurse per week as well as 2 personal care visits, that she will be more comfortable. So far the hospice case workers have been so much easier to communicate with and they have promised to give us status updates after every visit. I guess I was just naive going into this, I honestly thought there would be protocols and regulations in place to prevent these types of things from happening. With Covid protocols, I hadn’t even been to her room until this last weekend. I’m hoping that will also make a difference. Thank you for replying, I’m sorry you are also going through this, I would never wish it in anyone. I think your LO is so lucky to have a family that loves them so much.
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My wife went through everything as you just said, but we kept her at home on hospice. We fed her - spoon to mouth until she stopped allowing that. Bought 100% Silicone bottles, blended at high speed, all cooked solid food. She got tooth and gum infection, antibiotics orally swabbed, swellings went away, but 2 or three weeks went by at the end when her whole body went stiff, no food, no liquid, body shut down. She kept pulling her legs up, knees to chin and over time we couldn’t properly change her diaper: inaccessible. For about six months she was in extreme pain if we just touched her or tried to move her. Nurse put her on morphine sulphate and muscle relaxant, but it all became futile. She got open bedsores, nurse tried, but finally we had to let her go. I talked to her, explained my torn emotions. Married 58 yrs. She was my everything.
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BeenThroughThis Mar 2022
@NewWidower, I am so very sorry to read of the excruciating last few months of your beloved wife’s life, and how futile your efforts proved.

Your wife has been released from her hell, and I am certain she also would wish you to release yourself from your tortured memories.

I pray that as time passes you will be able to remember all the good years.

You have my sympathies.
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Sudden declines should always trigger a test for a UTI. Was that done?
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Shanindo Mar 2022
Yes, she doesn’t have a UTI. I honestly think she is confused about how to eat, which was kind of happening before she transitioned to memory care. But I have had experience with her having a UTI when I was her live-in caretaker. It definitely caused dramatic decline in her cognitive abilities, but that doesn’t seem to be the case currently. She is just very weak and has had a significant amount of weight loss. It’s definitely more difficulty because I’m not with her all day every day. I had just assumed that MC facilities were experienced with these situations. I feel like I’m still learning how to navigate this system and I need to be more proactive about advocating for her. I feel guilty because I’m the tour of person who hates to make waves or cause conflict, im beginning to understand I just need to be more involved and ask more questions to find solutions. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.
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I just posted about this very subject. Title is "Moving Mom". A lot of the things you mention also happened at Mom's MC facility. I started doing her laundry after her first week there because they "lost" so many of her things! Of course, everything had her name on it and each resident's clothes were supposed to be washed separately, but lots of nice clothing disappeared. They even lost a set of her sheets!

The food they serve there is frozen and pre-made and usually fried. The caregivers do the cooking and no seasonings are ever used. Mom is also a picky-eater and had to be prescribed Megastrol to increase her appetite. After she fell and broke her hip there two months after she arrived, and spent 30 days in the hospital and rehab, she returned to the MC facility and it was never the same. Mom was not able to walk and had to be transferred to the toilet and in and out of bed and her wheelchair. In my opinion, she became more work than the caregivers wanted to deal with. There were only ever 2 caregivers there and one had to cook which left only one to care for the 14 residents. The general anesthesia from Mom's hip replacement surgery did a number on her dementia and she lost the ability to talk. So, if she did not say anything, she must be okay, right? Nope.

I visited every day. I knew the caregivers' names and about their families. I let them know how much our family really loved our Mom and how precious to us she is. Didn't make one bit of difference.

Every time I called to ask how Mom was doing, the answer was: "She's fine." She could be laying there bleeding out and the answer would be "She's fine." Nobody told me when she was not eating or drinking. There was very little communication about Mom at all, and remember, I am there every day. And, yes, I do ask questions whenever I can find a caregiver to ask!

The majority of people at Mom's "house" could walk, talk, feed themselves, toilet themselves and dress themselves. They seemed to stick together and never tried to talk to Mom or include her in anything. The caregivers did not "invite" Mom to activities, even just to watch the others. Finally it came to the point where one of the caregivers had to feed Mom every meal. Sometimes they did, sometimes they did not. I had to get her out of there. And, yes, I met with the Executive Director several times to discuss my issues/problems with the care. Nothing changed.

My advice: move your Mom out of there as quickly as you can. Most Memory Care facilities claim that they can handle various levels of dementia but I have not found that to be the case. After all, you only have to have 16 hours of training to work as a caregiver. That is two days of training! The facility had already taken the money out of Mom's bank to pay for March, so we are actually paying for TWO places at the same time. That's how bad I wanted her out of there. If you ask me, the MC facility should give her her money back based on the fact they were either unable or unwilling to meet Mom's needs.
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Shanindo Mar 2022
I completely understand how you are feeling, I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. Just because a person has been diagnosed with dementia doesn’t mean they no longer deserve respect and dignity. Your LO is fortunate to have a loving family to advocate for them. I think I will follow your lead. It’s hard to come to terms with, but my time with my mom is growing shorter and shorter and I know that is only going to get worse, but she deserves to at the least have her basic needs met, and to be comfortable and not miserable. She was actually pretty happy when she first transitioned to MC. It’s just the weakness, weight loss and of course scabies. She has been to the hospital 5 times with no medical diagnosis for her dramatic weight loss-they just keep telling me she needs to eat more. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for the thoughtful, helpful advice, I wish you and your family the best.
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None of this is acceptable care. Your LO needs more care than she is receiving and help with eating. Request a CarePlan meeting and establish a connection with MC social worker. Contact MC’s administration rather than call, use e-mail to communicate - you will then have documentation of your efforts and the MC. Take pictures and attach to emails. If you’re not satisfied with the response from the MC, contact the State and complain.
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Unacceptable. I am dealing with a very similar situation with my dad in NH. If you feel that something is off, doesn't make sense / adding up, don't be afraid to speak up! Request to see or have a copy of all medical records, ask for labs to be taken and tests ran.
UTIs frequently do occur, what about dehydration, have they ordered labs-metabolic panel, complete blood count, how is her magnesium, phosphorus, calcium? Oxygen levels?
As far as the clothing not belonging and lack of clothing, I don't understand why that would be happening. I've noticed that with my Dad-I would see him and he would be wearing clothes that were obviously not his. There were many times when we would visit and he wouldn't be wearing his glasses, which is something he would never not wear- he's been wearing them for almost his whole life for a reason! When I would ask the facility I would get vague answers, there was a new CNA, they were out of his reach, not on night stand ( he needs the assistance of a last two people or a hoyer lift to get up out of bed and into his wheelchair). Same thing with his cell phone - family members would call and it would either go straight to voicemail or ring and ring and ring. We all knew that he had it in his hand at all times in case someone were to call or if he felt up to calling and that is how he'd been for years, even before entering the facility. A variety of excuses - the phone was dead hadn't been charged, phone charger was not working or broken, the phone was out of his reach, the phone was turned off, the CNA didn't know about his phone..
There is no good reason why an elderly parent should have to go without.
Bottom line, if your gut is telling you something's not right, call, ask questions, during visits take pictures, reach out to the facility social worker. They will look into any concerns and do what they can to fix any problems. If possible see what else is available in the area. Good luck!
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Your mom is not getting good care. Take photos and videos. Document every visit. Report to the Social Worker, the Charge Nurse, and anyone else involved in her care.

She might need a different facility.
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Katefalc Mar 2022
If she’s in MEMORY CARE, isn’t that assisted living? She has declined so now she needs SKILlED CARE. They are different .
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It is good that you’re noticing these things. If the hair on the back of your neck is standing up, it’s for good cause. Your mom cannot be her own voice anymore and many facilities take advantage of this excuse. You should stand up for her humane care and treatment.
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I had my mom in 2 memory care facilities that were very high end "boutique". I didn't have a camera at the first one and encountered similar problems and my mom was hospitalized for dehydration. In the second facility I had cameras that were approved by the facility. There aren't enough words to explain what really happens in memory care. The reality is that the workers are not trained in memory care. I have hours of footage over 6 months where my mom was neglected, left in wet briefs, not brought meals, never offered a beverage outside of what was brought at meals. They dropped the meals in her room (covid) and never checked back and then picked them up. No one ever noticed or noted if she had eaten or had a sip of anything. Management was aware because of my complaints on sharing video but it ended with them becoming bitter because my request for basic level care was something that they had never accomodated. They were not used to someone seeing how things are actually run. I was not even being picky, I was just asking for her care plan to be followed: take her to bathroom, make sure if she is wet/soiled to clean her up, bring her meals and fluids, and do room checks every 2 hours. She fell once and crawled on the floor for hours because they would go 7-10 hours without ever checking on her. I have my mom in private 24 hour care next door to me because after working with attorney general, ombudsman, LARA and anyone who would listen they basically said "it's a broken system". Even the ombudsman told me she would never put her loved one in a memory care because there is no accountability. If you keep your mom in memory care I would 100% get a camera so that you can appropriately advocate for her and really know what she is going through on a daily basis.
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She appears to be on her way down. I'm afraid that nothing will stop her from this free fall. I think that relatives should be more realistic and not to expect miracles from the facilities. Demencia is progressive and nothing will improve it or cure it. The progression of demencia is unpredictable, but always downhill.
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Shanindo Mar 2022
I understand that it’s not going to get better, only worse. But I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hope that someone’s basic needs should be met by facilities that are charging 7x the amount of my rent for a shared room. If someone with dementia declines to the point that they need help eating and drinking water, I never imagined that that help would not be provided. When she entered the facility she was active and ambulatory, now she doesn’t have enough strength to get out of bed.
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