Being moms only caregiver and knowing Mom was no longer safe at home and refusing help, I ended up doing just that. It was horrid.
Its has been eight weeks now since mom is in a home for dementia care. I see her 2 to 3 times a week. But the guilt for taking her there and not telling her where she was going, is still eating at me. The first time I saw her after I took her, she told me she hated me and could not believe I put her away. It has ben 6 weeks now since she mentioned home, or being angry at me. I tell her I love her everyday, but I feel like I betrayed her by doing it that way. I want so much to offer to take her for a ride,or for a burger, only I fear, what if she refuses to go back. What if it makes her feel worse.How do I handle this with care, any advice.
The fact that she is no longer upset would seem to indicate that all is well, although the memory of her words must sting. I would discuss the idea of excursions with the professional staff; ask them if they believe she is settled in her mind about the fact that the AL is her home.
Sorry, I don't mean to come across as judgmental, you did as you were asked to do by the "experts", and we sometimes need to bow to their greater experience. It is probable that she would feel abandoned by you and unhappy any way you did it, so you just need to focus on today's reality and manage, encourage and redirect.
As for day trips, have you talked to the caregivers in the home to see what they think? Does she talk about going out when you're not there? Does she refer to her new residence as "home" (meaning that getting her back might not be a problem)? I don't have any experience with this, but if they think it's safe to try, you could start with maybe just taking a drive. If problems arise, you can drive back to the home where you have support. If things go well, however, maybe you can progress to lunch?
As I said, I don't have actual experience with that particular subject, so maybe others will have suggestions, too.
I will be facing this shortly with both my parents. IN some ways I looking forward to getting it over with so I don't have the constant worries about them stumbling around in their crumbly old house. But it will be world war lll no doubt.
I will say this, once the move is made I will never reverse course only to go through the same ordeal a few months, days, or weeks later.