I’m in my 50s and I’m in serious therapy now for what I didn’t realize was extreme narcissistic abuse from my parents. I know this isn’t the forum for this particular issue but just for context, we’re talking about broken eardrums ribs and then as an adult emotional abuse.
now that I’m in my 50s and realize what was going on I’m distancing myself from my parents, but I feel guilty because my dad’s 94 in my mothers, 87. I swear both of them seem like they’re even healthier than I am. After so many years of toxic dynamics from our family oh my gosh when I tell you all the screaming and anxiety, hostility, anger from them after a while, just became too much.
Here’s the problem. I’m realizing now they have never respected me, so how can I help them at this age? My dad is 94 and refuses to give up his license and I will admit he seems to be fine slowing down mentally a little bit. But I still worry about his reflexes.
my mom is getting dementia. She still functioning, but sometimes she goes off and talks and doesn’t even make any sense. They were told that they should give POA to their kids, but they refused to.
last year they were scammed out of almost $1 million. My brother told them they were getting scammed, but they treat him the same way and they ignored him for two years and got extremely almost violent with him for getting in their business so he shut down. They were scams for two years and the fact that they did not cognitively understand what was going on, is concerning for me. Even after losing all that money and my mom, not listening, she still insists on being right all the time I just can’t take it anymore.
I feel bad walking away from them. I do care about them, but I cannot be there caregiver. If they don’t listen to me, then why would I even try to be there caregiver they should hire someone that they respect.
The other thing is is that I’m thinking about turning my dad into the DMV so that the retest him they’re not gonna take his license away they’re just gonna retest him. Do you think this is a bad move?
thanks for listening. I’m just frustrated because I wanted to help my parents, but I realize that I don’t hold any power or in the dynamics of our family.
Your parents should have planned for their care etc ahead of time . They did not put a plan in place on paper . ( POA) . They haven’t left you the tools to help them . They tied your hands in terms of trying to make sure they got care . That’s not your fault . Do not feel guilty .
part of the problem is is they are extreme control freaks,
it saddens me because what happens if the cognitive abilities really decline and I don’t know what their wishes are or if they have a certain nursing home that they like to go to or if they want me to higher than caregivers I wish that they would have this conversation with me, but I think it’s too late
I mean he does drive good for his age however, I live two hours away and haven’t actually been in the car with him driving in almost 6 months so I have no way to monitor him.
The thing about it to us if I do that he’s liable to disinherit me that’s so hostile he got when I talked about him giving up his license
You absolutely should walk away if that's what you need to do. This is not your responsibility. This is what your parents want, as dumb as it is it's there right, and it's your right to walk away.
Being there for them may even be contributing to there not getting the help they need.
And yes definitely do what you can do to get your dad off the roads. And if nothing works then, you did everything you could to get your dad off the road.
You can call, DMV, right letters to the doctors, and maybe call center for the aging.
Best of luck.
The past abuse is the ---- icing on the cake , If you Can walk away and if you carry a different last name-consider yourself Lucky. It gets down to really 2 old , really stubborn "team"members VS, you with so much still to live for. Are you going to ALLOW 1-2 in your Life to Ruin it ? To still have That much Power over you ?
This sounds very similar to what we went through , as long as the Two were still together , living at Home , and subjecting themselves and everyone Else to all the Crap. We finally did remove ourselves from them, as much as possible. After one passed away, it could have been easier dealing with the one survivor, but He didn't Care to Live anymore, without his accomplice. There's Nothing You can do , especially being too close in relation to them. , that makes it only Worse. Do Not own any guilt over this, that would be you allowing them to once again abuse you into submission and manipulate even your Thoughts., and you'll never be Free of it. We give them that Power when we allow them to control our minds to the point we are thinking of them 24/7. A BIG WIN for Them.
You deserve lots more Happiness in your own Life now. If you were to place it all in God's Hands, & become Free of it, you Know what He would do , and it wouldn't; be what They have been Doing . You may be surprised to find out, how quickly it all resolves itself, the sooner you wash your hands of it and get out of your Own way!
Right now, you couldn't be told more clearly-God's GIFT to YOU is the Opportunity you've been given to Walk AWAYYYY. FAR away. You are already Rich in That. May only GOOD things come to You. Believe it!
Never physically care for your parents. There are Assisted Livings and Memory Care if they can afford it. If not, there is Longterm care with Medicaid paying for care. An abused child should never care for the person who abused them.