Is it useless to try to encourage my mother to participate in life?

Skaredtaker hit on something about the lack of familiarity and overwhelming stimulation. When you moved mom there, did you bring her favorite photos, paintings and furniture? I met a lady a couple weeks ago who completely recreated her house's living room and bedroom in the Assisted Living Facility. The same pillows, comforter, throw rug, microwave cart..bathroom towels. It was a bit crowded, but she had her night tables with all of her clippers, kleenex and do-hickeys she always knew where to find. She even had her old silverware and dishes. She was getting along quite well. If things "outside" become overwhelming, she retreats to her "home."

If she's otherwise healthy, the first step toward getting her engaged in activities is to first keep her out of bed. Keep her out of bed and keep her awake if she does lay down. If she lays down, drag her out of bed, then take her somewhere and give her something to do. You may have to get creative on this one and find a strategy that actually works to get her to participate because life is not over until God says it is. I strongly agree on how painful it must be to sell everything out from under her while she's still living, something I personally would never do, but that's just me. Anyway, you may also want to get her into some kind of counseling and see how you can help her. As long as she still alive there's still hope so don't give up, hang in there

Dear pained sisters. I have been where you are now. My mother isn't completely disengaged but she too is a formal shell of the rock star, beauty she used to be. I too had to clean out her home and then finally her independent living apartment last March when we moved her to a memory care community. It was the saddest days of my life. Although I still struggle with the reality of this devastating disease, I know she is safe and cared for by those who understand how to deal with the different moods and complexities of dimentia Alzheimer's.
Did your mom like animals? Perhaps you could bring a pet in to visit with your mom. My mom still has her Bichon Sophie, and I am convinced it is saving her life. Not that I would recommend getting a dog, because it comes with a whole list of it's own issues I won't go into. But having Sophie around gives many of the other residents a lot of pleasure as well.
Also ,my mom's place has a group of professional singers called SONGS BY HEART. they come everyday at 3:00 for an hour and play music of their era and the residents come alive. My mom remembers all the words to most of the songs and many of them get up and dance too. See if they have a website.
I wish I could say it gets easier or better but it doesn't. I miss my old mom but she does come out once in a while with a funny comment or laughs at an old memory I share. She's still in there so never give up and visit her as much as you are able.

Mom2Mom - Yes, we each have to take responsibility for our own happiness! My mom's very poor attitude affects several people but she really doesn't care. Dealing with her the last few years has really taught me some lessons about being grateful for the things I have, making the most of each day, and most importantly that you have a responsibility to those around you to be kind and strong. It must be tough having your mom live with you. Mine lives down the street and her sadness weighs on me constantly.

Sounds like dementia and or depression. My mother also was avid reader and crosswords etc- then - within a year or two - all gone. Music was one last vestige but even that faded too. It's a sad transition- but it's old age and people living longer and longer. Try to look at the positive aspects you still have versus the losses. And build on those. Good luck and peace. We cleared out my parents home this past year- very tough for me the daughter. My brothers don't really talk about it with me much but they left it mostly to me to clear it out. They did other heavy lifting/ medicare/'medicaid/finding al facility/visiting/ trust/ power of medical and attorney/ paying to fix house/ etc etc. peace

I think sometimes we can look at our elderly parents through our own personal lens that affects how we view their lives. My mom just turned 97 and will tell you she's very satisfied with her life. But she does very, very little in the course of a day. She has no short-term memory. She works part of the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper and loves simple word-find books. She doesn't watch much tv. I bring her romance novels, which she used to love. I'm not sure if she's getting anything out of them since her memory is shot, but I keep bringing them and she puts her bookmarks in like she's reading them.

When I go visit her, she often doesn't hear me come in. She'll be carrying on a good conversation with herself. I think she's thinking about her youth on the farm because she frequently references that.

My point is that me looking at her life through my own life lens, her life looks very isolating and depressing. Boring. But she seems perfectly satisfied. So don't let your own thoughts/expectations create more of a perceived issue for your mom than may be there. I think seniors are satisfied with less stimulation and activity than we are in many cases.

Hi, NYDaughterinlaw! No need to exuse yourself and thanks for the kind words. You haven't said much about your MIL or FIL. How old are they, how long have they not been able to do, what is their mental and physical status, etc. With more info we might be able to share some experiences. I know my mom was a bear when she started having to face what she could not longer do - I wanted to slit my throat. At the time I was an exec on Wall Street and accustomed to "solving problems".Mom used to call the the Gestapo! In retrospect I didn't appreciate how paralyzing, depressing and demoralizing losing ones abilities could be and how that could lead to an enu that at the time I didn't understand. Ever lose a job, marriage, significant other? That can be paralyzing and depressing and demoralizing, but we have tomorrow! Imagine losing more with not much in the way of a tomorrow. Having grown considerably older with all this (my gray hairs and trips to the salon have increased!) I can see now in retrospect that I wasn't encouraging talk or listening well, and maybe I didn't have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. You didn't hit a nerve, I just thought you were dealing with dementia or the end stage issues we usually deal with here and were looking for insight. It all can be angering - at whatever stage! If you want to share more, we are listening! Peace!

Did you notice these changes before or after she moved to assisted living? My mother recently had surgery and while in the hospital she just could not concentrate, she could not focus her thoughts, and she slept all the time. After a few days home we realized the hospital was giving her meds to her in the morn. when she would normally have take them at night. One of the side effects of her meds is dizziness and fatigue. She said she felt like she was in a fog.

A move can show up undiagnosed dementia or show how severe it has progressed - just as you never see your kids grow but relatives from out of town do so too a move can show the change in your loved one - their shirts are in a different drawer, the bathroom is in a different place than at home, the bathroom vanity doesn't have the storage the same place as at home, etc, etc

A friend's mom was having a memory test that the family was at but they were not allowed to speak - question after question she would sort of start an answer then turn to her husband & daughters to finish the answer - that was when they realized how often they had been finishing sentences for her etc

Not living in the same place is a huge adjustment - when mom's room was moved in the same facility it took her about 5 months to recognize it as hers not 'where I visit sometimes' - she finally said it was her room for 2 days [but actually 5 months] & asked why she was moved - I strategically lied & said she asked for the bigger room when it became available then she 'remembered' asking for it - as it was a nicer room it was easy to get her to think it was her idea & she is now happy with it

I find treating mom as a 3 years old with the 'smarts' works well - I always bring a treat such as a coffee & 2 timbits/ a plant etc & she always greats me with a smile even if it takes 15 seconds to recognize me -

Using logic is out of the question but using humour works well because if she laughs at something she feels that whatever issue we talked about is resolved - for example when she asks about her money ... I tell her she has enough until she is 119 years old - she laughs & says she 'won't live THAT long!' but it seems the underlying issue is security of where she will live & if there is enough money to keep her but when I started saying that she is comforted that it will not be a problem & that feeling of comfort stays even when she can't remember the talk we had

I found a switch to bingo & other activities helped mom interact with others & winning a Hallowe'en size chocolate bar was huge to her - mom also can't read, paint, draw or do so many activities she used to but she likes going to about 10 activities a week that she can participate interactively

Great dialog here! My mother just got moved from an independant unit (she shared with Dad who did much but she was on "Assisted Status" in the apartment as well. It was getting to be too much for Dad so she was moved into her own Assisted living "Suite" which has a small sitting room part kitchen, and bedroom bathroom. She is 92 somewhat mobile with walker but needs dressing washing toilet help and has dementia, and Dad is 89, very mobile- driving (this may end soon),golfing, etc.
When I first realized Mom was slipping down the rabbit hole after an extended visit, I got home and cried and cried. You loose them twice I heard- Once when they loose their memories, and again when they die. Comments that I would take to heart would be: Don't give up- they pop there head out of the hole in the strangest ways! Get a laugh out of them however you can. Keep them moving as much as possible! When left alone with poor eyes, ears, and memory, sleep is the alternate reality they seek. Watch the MEDS!! Less is better. For a while Mom needed Anxiety meds to deal with her own angers and confusion but that seems to have passed and she is mellowing (or resigning) to the caregivers helping. Keep a watch if possible on the caregivers- they are not all angels. We had one woman who mom would get agitated when she came in .(This is a pitfall of the ALC- Lots of changeover and rotating staff who get to know Mom). She would have bruises from this woman treating her too roughly. I reported it. I am not there all the time but established a good relationship with the social worker at the home and will call her weekly and ask questions. Dad is still able to have meals with her and go down to her suite and sit with her whenever he wants. (He is a bit lonely but like we all say- she's gone usually.) When she wakes up and I ask where she has been , it could be at the art museum, having lunch with her (dead) brother, or busy "in the basement". Still love her dearly, am blessed she is no longer mean and angry- it is part of the dementia in her case. Hope this helps!

Excuse me, trying2, but I was addressing people whose parents still can participate in life and choose not to because they are too busy wallowing in self pity or expecting their children to become the moon around their sun. I understand why my words irked you given your mother's dementia/illness, which is not her choice but rather her sad reality. I hope when you are your mother's age that you will get to live your life to the fullest in honor of your mother who doesn't have a choice.

NYDaughterinLaw, you are right, trying to encourage a young person is very different from trying to encourage an elderly person, especially one with dementia. Young people's brain cells are in tact and their memories and capabilites are growing, not withering. They have the world and their future life to look forward to. And most young people have not outlived their friends, parents, siblings, and sometimes children. Encouraging young people is rewarding and it can be rewarding to encourage declining seniors. The latter takes more compassion and understanding and energy, if you care to! WHen you are old, alone, vulnerable, unable to do for yourself, unble to reason well or to do much, depressed and facing your end days, I hope someone does say to you, "that's your choice" because for the most part, it is not a question of choice!

Trying to encourage old people to participate in life bears no resemblance to encouraging a young person to try new things. I have tried for years to get my inlaws to accept their limitations while finding things they still can do. But what they want to do and what they are capable of doing often are two different things. They can't do what they used to do so they don't do much. That's their choice, I accept it and life goes on.

Wow! This is one of the best questions yet and the best answers, too! I agree about the depression. I saw the same in my 94 y/o mom, the withdrawl and lack of interest (depression for which Lexapro has helped) along with the cognitive impairment precluding her from doing her word puzzles, finding the bathroom, recognizing her own apartment and what not. Mom was a concert pianist and she can't really read the music anymore. She falls asleep during TV and movies, too. Until I realized, she needs someone to help narrate the movie and explain to her what is going on, then she gets interested - but she can't make it through an entire movie - we do the movies in segments. She then pitches in with her recollection (though quite off). Mom can't read anymore, but I find that she enjoys being read to and she finds my voice comforting. Mom was never ever one for stuffed animals or toys. Now she brightens like a child. I bought her a dancing musical Snoopy - she gets the biggest kick out of it and hugs it and the music is familiar (she becomes like a child). She can't make him do it herself (can't remember to press his hand) - but that is something I do for her every time I go there. I also found she needed a change in eyeglass prescription. Can't see, can't think, can't remember and can't do for herself having out lived all her old friends, family and Dad- that would be grounds for depression! Not being able to give or give back has been another issue. When all you can do is receive it takes something away from your personhood. At Christmas I bought small gifts for her aides and counselor, wrapped them attractively. When each aide came on we made a big deal - I gave mom the gift and you should have seen the smile on her face when SHE gave the gift to the aides and told them thank you! It was empowering for her. We don't have any involved family (as those of you who have been reading our posts know). Mom's aides have become her new reality. So we had a Christmas dinner party with her aide (on shift) and another aide came. I have to tell you it resulted in mom and the aides really bonding in a different way. We sat together and ate together, took pictures and mom really perked up. Mom couldn't remember how to play Christmas carols and couldn't read the music. But when I sung along with her she picked it up and was able to play the pieces (albeit not like before) but she got plenty of applause. Mom actually got up and did the cha-cha-cha with her walker then did little funny bows for laughs. This from someone who spends her days practically somnolent in her chair. She is still in there, we just have to find ways to bring out whatever may be possible and what is possible changes from day-to-day. As others have mentioned, I give mom the time and space to talk - I do get close to her face so she can see me and here me and smell me (we all have familiar scents). And she does talk and tell me what she feels, including wanting to die because she is tired and there is nothing left of her life. But, it is not over until God says so... we just have to be aware and meet them where they are and do what we can to be their hands, eyes and memory! Never give up!

I loved Ohiogirl's answer to this question. Our attitudes around parent's suffering from dementia is huge! They mimic us. We see what our folks are going through and the fear that one day it will happen to us makes us want to run away. But they can't and we shouldn't.

Others have given you good responses.. I shall add my bit.. I go visit an old lady, [now 94] who isnt old. I am, she is in her 20s maybe late teens. She is looking and wondering does her mother know she is there. And why doesnt her husband visit ?? Is he having an affair. She needs to get a job and set up a house, Maybe down in London cos she used to do embroidery and could clean houses.
She asks how am I, why am I there, I respond and say I am her daughter, "What she hasnt had children, and when told 5, she rubs her stomach and giggles"
I dont visit my Ma, I visit someone who could be pre world war 2, or the other week it was around 10 yrs ago.
AS for your Mother not wanting to read, how could she, she doesnt remember the last line she has read, the words dont make sense. Watching TV is a nightmare for them, as how can they comprehend its a movie, it cant be followed, the storyline is of course gone from one second to another, and are they part of it or an audience. What is an audience.
My Ma has now got such a short memory circuit that she goes to the bathroom say 15min after I have been visiting and comes back to her room, and greets me as tho Im newly arrived.
How can anyone help pass the time, they are not having ^time in their life^ any more, let alone thinking you can make the 'time of their life' happen.
Then again they can amaze one as little bits remain. She remembered for a couple of weeks, that she had visited this funny man, he told jokes. It happened to be the PCP who shared a joke with me, and not that she got that part but she must have remembered his laughing [he has a very nice laugh]
So to understand what your Mother's bubble now is.. pick up a jigsaw puzzle piece, without knowing which box it came from, and that is your picture of her life.
Its very sad, its hard to know what to do.

My mother lived with us and it was like walking on egg shells... you never knew how the day would go and once she was "set off", she was that way the whole day. I had one high school child at home still and my husband and they were kind to have her stay for 2+ years; then both doctors who she saw (geriatric specialist every 6 months and a heart doctor yearly) told me it was time that I find a facility fo her. I still kept her at our home a few more months, until we found a place for her and I could accept it in my mind. It has worked out so much better. Perhaps you should consider a facility. However, your inhome help sounds wonderful. Another thing now that my mother qualified for Medicaid is that she is assigned a social worker and a nurse from the county so I can use them if needed. It has all worked out so much better than I could have ever thought. And believe me, my mother was the most negative person I knew for a long, long time. Now she is positive and upbeat, Good Luck!

I have considered assisted living for him but I think most of what they could offer him, he is already getting and the stress of moving to an unfamiliar place at this time would outweigh the benefits, as long as we can keep covering his needs. It certainly would be a lot easier on me.

My father is not in assisted living and he is experiencing the same things as your mother. Things he used to like to do are too hard for him to concentrate on. I just lower my expectations. We watch sports together but he never makes it through a game and will shut it off just at the most exciting moment because he has lost interest. He will read parts of the same book over and over because he has forgotten it but will never finish it. Some days he likes the book and others he doesn't. He will like something he never liked before and not like something he has always liked - even worse, he might not like food I give him that he will like when someone else gives it to him! His world has gotten small and he doesn't particularly want to join in the social activities in the building, although he might go if I go with him. I don't think he trusts himself to make conversation or remember people. Everyone is very kind to him where he lives. He does enjoy watching children run around, which is why we go to church. I'm thinking adult daycare with children around might work. He gets tired very easily and likes the quiet of his apartment. I keep looking for creative but simple things we can do together. They only hold his attention a short time and I end up doing most of it, but it's an alternative to TV. We made an construction paper garland for a very cheap little tree at Christmas. We'll fold paper airplanes. He does sleep a lot. A friend who visits encourages him to work out (10 min) with her and I try to get him to walk around a little with me each day to keep those legs working. But I've backed off on managing his time unless we have an appointment.

I'm watching my mother do the exact same thing. Books go unread. Puzzles takes her weeks, not hours, Bingo is gone to simply for the "social aspect" she no longer cares if she wins.
Accepting the "new norm" as our loved ones fade away, is really, really hard. Mother was here in my home on Christmas and the kids did make a fuss over her, but she wasn't really sure who all the gg-kids were! Watching this decline and knowing there is really nothing I can do to "help" is very sad. BUT...it seems like we all go through this with someone we love, if we live long enough.
Mother IS frustrated with her diminishing abilities, but out of fear we plop her in a NH, she stays "cheery". Honestly, we did not think we'd have her this Christmas.
As a family, all we can do is visit, call, help her when and where she will let us and let it go... a lot of it. WE aren't in charge of their lives dimming, we can only keep them safe, comfortable and as happy as possible.
Treating depression in the very elderly is a slippery slope. Don't expect miracles. Just love her and keep conversations light and on subjects they can follow.
This is so hard, I know. Good Luck.

I think it will take more time for her to get use to the new environment, and then i wouldn't be surprised if she takes on more activities. She may need evaluated for depression. If a medication will help her enjoy life more then she may need that. It sounds like she is an amazing woman with many artistic abilities, and to watch much of it diminish is hard for you also, and will also take an adjustment peroid. You will see small imorovements, in time. Prayers to you and sister.

Mother asked me to come back home. She had been in Independent Living for over a decade and was having trouble managing for herself. I moved back to my home that is close to facility and then Kitty and myself stayed with her for a year and a half until, under a pretext, we were forced her out of her I.L. apartment . . .to the hospital emergency room, to the facility's Health Care Center, and then to Personal Care. Mother went into a withdrawal physically and mentally. She couldn't keep it in her head to push the emergency button around her neck if she needed help. Subsequently she also had three falls from negligence of the staff. They would move her back from meals and leave her in front of the TV by herself or put her to bed without first taking her to the bathroom. The falls left her with more mental confusion. We had to get Nurses Aid service for 8 hours night x $25.00 per hour, and I was with her 16 hours a day so that she would not have any more falls. Do not underestimate how terrible the facility where your loved is residing. I am now with Mother 12 hours a day. I heard a maintenance man inappropriately call in to her apartment (her name) and ask in a romantic way, "is there anything you want to talk about." My hair stood on end. Hallucinations and nightmares followed. We talked about it. I told her she could tell me anything. She said he had been visiting. We stopped that. The facility was hardly cooperative. I relied on Aging Care correspondence to get the matter dealt with. Mother is also suffering decline in her perephial vision due to the negligence of the facility to administer her eye drops.for Cholestreal. We are going to a specialist What I am saying is be there everyday as long as you can. Observe what is going on. Are they keeping her cleaned up. Check it out. Have her included in meals that you share, with other family if that is what picks her up. All you need is a thread of interest in something and build on that. Draw her out. Deal with shortcomings of the facility. They might not care if she lays in bed or what and if she eats and is hydrated. Mother likes it here. She is social , likes the ladies at her meal time table in the DR, and there are activities she likes ie, gospel singing.
Mostly she likes me here. I would rather have her at home with family or in another facility but my brother and cousin who don't come to visit believe the facility is just wonderful. She likes it and cousin and brother would say I was an undue influence on her if I wanted to remove her from the harm. There is a long list of injuries and negligence. I keep on nursing Mother back to health when another major harm comes to light. There needs to be a change.

My mom used to read all the time. Problem is she still thinks she does and continues to buy books. There were about 2000 books in her house, every surface covered 3 ft high. I moved her in with us when she was sick and knew she would never go home. She had gone grocery shopping and I found the food still in the car 2 weeks later. That was the deciding point for me but on top of that she was laying in a bed full of fleas. She didn't brush her dogs she had a noble groomer come, she hadn't been walking them they went in the house but she denied that she didn't walk them, she's been living with us for over a year. We added in addition for her giving her a big bedroom and bath and sitting room that we bright some of her clicks, paintings, & other belongings from her house so they would feel familiar. But she doesn't remember anything for 30 seconds now unless she gets mad then she stews in it and it grows to much worse in her mind. She still talks about buying a house. I'm a realtor and I can't discuss my business around her because she wants to go see house so maybe she can buy. Her dogs have passed away and she only occasionally asks if she has dogs that need walking. I try to get her to read but she will say she finished that book when in truth she read a few pages. All she wants to do is buy more books and gets mad when I tell her no she has plenty at home. She also doesn't shower but insists that she does everyday. She lives in a world she used to and gets very nasty if we push her such is asking her if she is going to shower she blows up. We have a lady that comes in 5 hours a day for 4 days a week and sometimes she can get her to shower, but gas to lie to her about going to dr or something. The biggest problem is her denying everything and getting mad if we question what she says. I've tried to get her to keep reading but she'd rather watch tv or lay in bed. She can't follow a movie so we watch nothing but sitcom reruns. My husband and I have no life anymore. Our lives revolve around her, not making her mad, trying to making her happy, keeping her healthy. She snacks all evening starting 5 mins after dinner, if we don't buy the snacks, she'll eat bread or anything else as long as it's carbs she won't eat fruit. Her teeth need to be held in with fixident but she refuses so she plays with them constantly making her belch and then she coughs louder than anyone could think possible. We have been to countless doctors for this. All I can say is enjoy what little conversation you can have with your mother because we can't carry on a conversation with my mom. Give her as many of her own belongings, decorations as you can from her home. My mom doesn't remember many pictures other than immediate family members. If anyone has suggestions for me I'd appreciate it.

There are lots of helpful suggestions here. In my experience, both the setting change and cognitive decline play a role in your mother's disposition. Believe me. I've been there. But my 89 year old mother who lives in a memory care unit for her dementia and extreme paranoia now has a twinkle in her eye more often than not. On Christmas Day, she was in the best mood and laughed alot :). She has a great appetite and loves to go out to eat or favorite foods we bring in. She still loves puzzles and have ordered the 100-piece puzzles with larger, thicker pieces from Walmart.com and do one puzzle each time I visit. I also bring in a few magazines from time to time for her to look at the pictures. She has a book made up of her children/grandchildren and the family cottage. The book is a great idea as she generally loses/miplaces/hides things so this way, single pictures don't get tossed out or hidden as the book is so much larger and all in one place. I would keep trying things. My mother still engages in all of the events at the facility. Does she have a friend there or perhaps she relates well to some of the staff members? Maybe they can help get her more involved. I would also take her to a geriatric specialist for a full workup and also for her medication review. We also put up 3 of her favorite paintings and decorated her room with a few favorite pieces of furniture. This has helped, too. I put a birdfeeder outside her window and she enjoys watching the birds. My mother was an interior decorator and a Master Gardner. The staff is aware of that and invite my mother to decorate the tables for holiday and special events, the Xmas trees, etc. She loves that. So keep trying different things and I am confident your mother will "shine" with some of them. Never ever give up - continue to give your love and gather strength from others and God. Good Luck!

Upstream, I am in the same boat except that Mom has moved in with me as of a year and a half ago. She just wants to live out the rest of her life in either her bed or her chair. Nothing brings her joy. She longer has an interest in anything at all. The T.V. will hold her interest for a while but not always.

I was trying everything to get her to show any signs of pleasure or happiness but I have decided to stop making myself miserable trying. At some point, we each have to be responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.

I always think I'm going to come up with great answers then I read other comments and I can't add to this. Everyone here has such wonderful advice.

I suppose I can just say that your mother is so very lucky to have you. Being there, just your presence probably means more then any of us realize. It sounds so much to me like depression(though I realize it's not entirely the same)...this total loss of interest. Days blending in to each other.

The one thing, the only thing, that will really help me is the love and care of others. Knowing they are there is an extremely powerful antidote to the sadness or emptiness she may be feeing.

The only other thing I would add is maybe an old movie she loved. Something that might give her a laugh? Even for a moment, can be magic.
Blessings to you.

I sympathize. My mother is only 74 and still lives in her own home but has given up. Just taken to her easy chair. Honestly it's been going on for 5 years already. It is depression but she refuses to take anti-depressants. Personally, it has taught me that you can't make someone else happy. Step back, protect your own emotions, and live the best life you can. You are lucky she is in an ALF. I know any day now that my mom will be at that point and I dread the process. It's a weight over my head each and every day. I anticipate she will spend many years living in one since she is so awful at 74.

I believe in life we go through seasons and I look at my role as managing caretakers and being a caretaker a season of my life that will probably end too early. I have found that how I choose to be with this is just that, a choice...and thankfully mom is one of those "take it one day at a time" kind of person as she can remember that in dealing with alzheimers. Thankfully, I learned about music being something that she still remembers - songs from her era, hymns, carols - she loves to sing and she has a beautiful voice, and can remember these the most, so we try to surround her with music as we can. She also wants to know she can still "help" others and has a purpose, so making sure we give her simple things to do, or ways she can help and thanking her for doing it and telling her how big of a help she was is somehow satisfying to her. At daycare that may mean handing out hymnals to sing, or collecting them. She used to love doing jig saw puzzles, and now we have very simple ones that she still will work with someone else to help put together. She gets many wrong, but will still do it. She is physically healthy, so any walks in nature singing or picking up colored leaves, acorns, flowers, etc. she loves. Alot of it is that she will mimic our attitude, and my goal is to always have fun - singing silly songs she may even make up, or laughing and making up words back and forth. She responds well to getting lots of hugs and affection. The main thing, though, is understanding that you have a choice in your attitude of how to deal with this, just like everything else in life. Is the glass half full or half empty? Your choice.

The transition to assisted living may have set her back some but it was likely the best (or only) choice. Either way, she would have reached this stage. Dementia is terminal and you can't fix that.

Your pain is palpable. Those of us who've been through selling a house when our elders are still physically alive know that pain. Keep what you can for now, just for the memories.

You also may want to hang some of your mom's artwork on her AL walls so that she can see them and so that the staff and her visitors can comment on them.

You can't expect her to do crosswords and read books if her mind won't hold what happened just before since both require memory. I don't believe that watching a movie with her - even if she sleeps - is a waste of time. You can hold her hand and be in the room with her. She will likely register that.

Talk to the staff about different approaches to helping her enjoy life more but don't expect what may not happen. Each person is different. Some who have dementia can still laugh and enjoy some moments while many others withdraw.

My mother stopped enjoying life from a combination of mild dementia and the pain that she was suffering. She also gradually withdrew because she was worn out from hearing about the deaths of her friends and finally the death of her husband, my dad. She only lived five more months after that but she was ready to go.

You can only do so much so don't berate yourself for not making her better. Work with the staff to give your mom whatever you can that may bring her some enjoyment. Other than that, offer her your love. Often, a certain amount of contentment is all that we can expect to see.

Take care of yourself, too. This is a hard time for you and your sister as well as your mother.
Carol

I didn't once read you talk about her dementia. She is in advanced stages as my 90 yr. old husband's neurologist has told me as he displays most of what you describe. In dementia, there is no hope because this is a terminal illness. Just take care of your mother when her house is sold until she passes. Yes, what will remain will be thousands of good memories you all have shared.