My grandmother is completely unruly. In her younger years, she was abusive, and violent. The object of her aggression was always my mother, but since then, they had buried the hatchet...or so we thought.
2 years ago, my grandmother had broken her hip and gotten C-DIF. My mother helped her, got her therapy, cooked for her, cleaned for her, until she got better. Problem is that she still isn't better. We have taken her to Doctors, Neurologists, had blood work done, MRI's, Catscan's, Physical Therapy, etc...She refuses to help herself. The physical theraist actually quit because he saw such great progress when working with her, then caught her "faking it", when other people came into the room. She literally acted like she couldn't walk, yet when it was just her and the therapist, she was walking over hurdles. Every morning it is a fight to get her to take a shower. When we get her in there, and we leave her unattended, she only lets the water hit her, and usually lets the shower run and gets out and sits on the toilet until we come back in. She refuses to change her adult diapers. She urinates in them until they leak all over her clothes, and onto furniture. Sometimes she defecates in them. When she does that, she locks herself in the bathroom and tries to hide it. Obviously we find out, and when confronted she says, "It isn't that much," or "I don't know who did that." Recently, after she defecated all over the bathroom, I had gotten upset and hollered at her. "Why would you put your hand in a dirty diaper and touch everything around you!" She smiled at me and told me to clean it. I told her she was crazy and if it was so funny, she can clean it herself. She then attempted to swing punch me in the face, missed and instead made 2 claw marks on my face from the start of my jawline, to my chin. In doing so, she almost fell backwards. I grabbed her so she didn't fall, and began to dig her nails into my wrists until she broke the skin. All the while she said, "You'll see. You'll see." I immediately called my mother, uncle and her sister to help me. When she saw my uncle he asked her, "What are you going to do if we call the police on you?" She said, "That will be fine. I will just say she hit me first and they will believe me because I am old." When her sister walked into the room, unaware that she was eavesdropping by the door, my grandmother began acting confused and said, "Oh. What are you doing here. I don't know what is going on? Are you gonna take me home."
If I didn't know any better, I would think she was doing this on purpose. She also refuses to eat unless she is served. She tells others that she can't get to the food. She can't reach. She cant work the stove or the microwave. Meanwhile, just last week, when her son (the Golden Child) arived for a visit, she got up, went into the fridge and started cooking him pasta and shrimp. Here is the kicker, SHE IS ONLY 78. HELP!!!!
Get away, refresh yourself. You are not called to die on the vine; while helping others, especially those that do not want your help.
RESPITE for you ... a program that gives caregivers a break for the madness
With a nanny cam, you set it up so she doesn't know she's being recorded, she thinks it's just the two of you alone and you can have a conversation with her that you miss this behavior. So now you have proof of her behavior that you can show to family, to doctors, to Adult Protective Services or to police as required.
Then, as already suggested, the very next time after that her behavior excelerates to unacceptable, its 911, to the hospital for physical and psych evaluation and do not accept your back into your home, with peace of mind for you that you have proof to keep her from your home with cause.
No when and your family including your very own mother is doing what they are to do to protect you. As difficult as it is, you're going to have to protect yourself. Once Gma is properly placed in a facility adequate for her needs, evaluated by professionals, not by you, you can continue visiting her and managing her case. Believe me, there is enough to do to manage someone in an outsourced living situation without the physical demands required of 24 /7 caretaking.
Here is what happened. My sister died. An outside person eventually called 911 and Mother was admitted to the hospital, then rehab and now a NH. It has all been fine, since I stayed out of it and got other family members to stay out of it. Mother is quite competent 90 % of the time. She can turn it on for the doctors, too.
But, the NH has been fine. They keep her clean and fed and entertained.
You need to help yourself and quit being drawn into this mess that your grandmother created, herself.
Oh, and don't leave her to take her shower on her own. Get a hand-held shower head and hose her down herself. If you don't want to do it, then TELL your mother it is HER responsibility to make sure her own mother is clean and you really don't care when that happens. Figure out what you can offload others and delegate, delegate, delegate whatever you can.
JessieBelle said it best - "you are as important as she is". That is something we all seem to forget as caregivers.
My father is also a charmer to his doctors. Its frustrating to me to see him take no accountability/responsibility for his hateful actions, his lack of self care... and then go into doctors' appointment and it seems like he is SUCH a good guy... lol... I can completely relate to this one. But maybe talking to doctor before or after appointment, away from GM, and explaining your side of the story... and like I said, getting her some medication that will drastically calm her and reduce the chaos she is causing.
This is what came to my mind after reading your post. I certainly wish you the best in dealing with the situation. Good luck!
In your situation I would be heading for the door. If it is sadism, her behavior will not change. There is no reason that you have to put up with being used and tormented.
If you think it is dementia instead, insist she see someone about it. If she is unwilling to work with you to make life tolerable, you aren't obligated to continue to be her caregiver anymore. You are as important as she is.
In your case, the incontinence could be a way of keeping herself out of assisted living. If she gains control of it, you could more easily send her away. She lacks the judgement, empathy, or insight to grasp that you could record her statements and behaviors to show to a doctor or insist on geropsychiatric eval and placement; she is back to very simply doing what will get her what she thinks she wants at the moment rather tha what makes sense in the situation for the whole family.
Not knowing how or why she came to live with you, it definitely sounds like she is taking advantage of a good, kind person. The clawing, scratching is dangerous for you.
While I'm all for helping the helpless, this woman does not sound helpless. She is doing the things she is doing because she's getting away with it and apparently has most of her life. The feces thing is demented. This may sound harsh to some but I would tell her that if she doesn't straighten up and cooperate with you including toileting that she will be institutionalized and follow through if she fails to comply. If your family doesn't want to support you, then you should tell them to take her off your hands. I really don't think that you should subject yourself or your household to that kind of abuse. You should print out your post and show it to the doctor, maybe he can recommend a psychiatrist.