I feel I've given up my life. I have two. Mom and her live (18yrs). End stages copd and severe arthritis and blood issues. Both late 70's. I have 3 kids, 4 Grandkids, and hubby of 21 yrs. lived in moms basement apt(paid rent for that dungeon) 7 yrs. hubs just got a new place. Couldn't deal anymore and I can't blame him but couldn't go with. Nw I feel abandoned. I am 51 and must ask permission to go somewhere. If I go watch tv in my room (can't stand golf) she calls every ten mins with excuses y I need to come back upstairs. HE isn't as bad as he plays off, milks it. Sits, nd waits to be served. I feel taken advantage of, manipulated daily, treated like a child. Mom very controlling. Specific spoon or fork or bowl or paper plate size each meal. I swear she wants food at a full rolling boil, then has to pee and it gets cold. Start all over. I am upstairs at 9am and am lucky to go "home" (their rec room now) by 11pm. I get the pouty face routine. I am old, fat, depressed, and just want to be lazy. I want-to be able to say "no, I don't want any pie but I'll get you some" without getting pressured. I want- to have someone else pick up those little fuzz balls off the carpet that annoy her so much. I want- to be able to go somewhere w/o a curfew (meds, treatments). I want- to have a place to have my Grandkids come see me. I want- to be able to say "yes, i'll meet you for lunch" to my husband. I want- to be respected and not be told how to dress, when, hw, who, what every aspect of my life. But it's not about me.
I love my mom with ll of my being and I do know that when she is gone I will rest well knowing I gave of myself to make her final years comfortable. Sure would live to runaway though! Thanks for lustening
we each have an ipad and she is 3 feet from me so she knows if I'm on f.b. or what. has been asking questions since I began on here now so I must be sneaky. "its nothing mom, just venting about you." hahaha never would do that! I laugh at it all as much as possible countrymouse. That's how I stay sane (or am I?)
I am finally starting to break her of meddling into my families business the way she does mine. She means well but gets things twisted and misspeaks to the wrong people now so I cant tell her much, but she used to be really bad about wanting to know private things like -how much $ does my son-in law earn ect.. got mad that I say IDK. I don't pry , my kids are adults. I treat them as such.
We just got help coming in thru a local resource agency. Started last week. Only 4 hrs per week but it's a start and my foot is in the door now so will carry me thru hospice. Now we trying to adjust, as in "mom, I'm not going to clean the house so this new person won't see dirt when she comes to clean it." what? Lol seniors say the darnedest things! I'm sorry your marriage is struggling Skinonna, just make the most of time you do have. Maybe trade days at moms? One goes while the other stays home and prepares romantic meal?
I give in to mom a lot because it's just easier than listening to it. I pick my battles. Does it frustrate me? YES. Example of a win- last night, she wants beef stew thickened up. Wants me to bring her flour, measuring cup, water, Yellow bowl, green spoon with wood handle. Then she mixes while I strain veggies and and add all back together. I just did myself and was done quicker than I typed this, my way with any ol spoon, any ol bowl and didn't strain. She was ticked but dealt. Sometimes it's good to let her be involved but not in a time crunch. More later, on duty. Lol
You do not need to heat up her food again. She can potty before she eats. And you can remind her of that along with "the food is hot now and will not be reheated." If she won't eat, it's her loss, isn't it. She may use this behavior as a control issue. She won't let you tell her when she will eat. She will delay and then tell you when she will eat.
How disabled are they? Would some rehab help them be more independent? What about outside help? Is the anything available through elder services?
Your first responsibility is to your immediate family (husband and children) then your parents. Sometimes social services won't help until you won't.
Kritini, I wish you the best......being a caregiver is hard work! :p
TV all day long" is 100% correct! I've been saying it all along (believing it and sometimes trying to convince myself that I know I'm right) but every now and then I still question "am I really making a big deal out of this?" Also, when a parent says "I'll do what I want" and "Why do I care at my age?" (Mom's 75) it just makes you think, "Well, okay then. But mom's going to have to "not care" somewhere else. Not in my house, day in, day out, 7 days a week, every month, season after season, year after year while I watch it happen before my own weary eyes. Enough already!
I agree with you and have moved forward with assisted living for my mom. Paperwork is filled out and ready to go. I can't do it anymore! I have too much life left in me......and.......well......I'm worth it! :)
I read your words and ... I understand where you're coming from. But, you have a husband. And according to the Bible and God, your spouse comes first. And yes, you're also to help your mother. But that help does not necessarily mean that you have to be there 24/7 living with them.
Like others mentioned, there are other options, other help - that provides care for the elderlies. You just need to do a lot of calling. When my mom was first diagnosed, father did a lot of calling around. He was able to hook up for the Meals on Wheels for him and mom from Mondays-Fridays. He was able to get the government caregivers to come once a week to shower mom (then he split that 4-hour a week supplement to 1 hour x 4 times a week. This way mom is showered at least 4 times a week instead of just once a week.) He applied for a dementia study program connected with the college for mom. In return, they provided 1 hour caregiver respite and a limited $$ on supplies. So we used our supply vouchers to buy mom's pampers or boxes of gloves or wipes. There are so many programs out there. You just have to call around and ask for people's referrals, etc.... Truly, sit down and think what is most important to you - now and in the future. You can still do your daughterly duty from afar. Just Set Limits or Boundaries. Maybe by doing this, your mom will learn to do things herself. Instead of calling you, and watching you jump to her every needs. This will Not be easy. Sis and I caregive father. Sis jumps to his every needs, I don't. He treats her like dirt, and we clash because I refuse to jump. It is a Constant battle of wills. I will not allow him to browbeat me like when i was a child. I'm an adult now. I can argue back and am no longer Required to Obey and not argue. And by the way, you moving out to join your husband is Not Running away. Running away is moving out, and not looking back. Not coming for visits to help out. That is running away. You can still be there for them - even by living away from them.
I know the feelings you are having about responsibility and going the distance for your mother. I think we appreciate what you're doing here more than your mother does there. She is taking your freedom and keeping you away from your husband so she can have her freedom and the company of her live-in. And she expects you to cater to her live-in while you ignore your own husband. This is an ugly picture.
In my mind you have gone beyond the call of daughterly duty with your mother. I wouldn't be surprised if she would be more comfortable in a nursing facility after she got used to the idea. Maybe her man friend can also get a room there if his family will work with him. Then you would be able to get back to your husband, kids, and grandkids.
Sometimes I just don't know about this caregiving thing. Many of our parents just sit in a chair and watch TV all day with us giving up our lives for them to do that. When they are not so ill, we can come and go. As they get worse, we are totally stuck. So we give up our lives and freedom so they can sit in the chair and watch TV all day. There has to be something better than this that doesn't cost an arm and leg.
I don't know how ill your Mother is. Do you have siblings that can help you once in awhile? That would be such a blessing for you. You didn't mention Home Health. Does she qualify for caregivers from a Home Health Agency? That would give you time for a lunch break with your husband. I know how you feel, Hon, and I wish you relief soon.