Hi, my father in law has moved in with my wife and I. My mother in law passed away in January, my own mother passed away in December.
Since my father in law moved in with us, life has been challenging. He has multiple health issues that are not life threatening. He suffers from incontinence and also defecates at night. His mobility is restricted and we have carers to assist, in particular with his personal hygiene.
Since he moved in with us we have no personal time, his poor hygiene is a big problem for me. He requires a lot of care/hospital visits/doctors appointments weekly. As both my wife and I work, we use our vacation days to cover these appointments (my wife is an only child).
I guess it just seems that our lives revolve around his needs, everything that we do or plan centres on him ( we have cancelled multiple nights away/cancelled vacations etc). We have made modifications to our home to make life easier, example bathroom alteration.
This does not sound right, but I am now resentful of the man. He is a good man, he has lost his wife and with his poor health, he has no one else to care for him. I find that he is oblivious of the impact on out lives, his focus (which is a good thing) is to get better, but realistically will not happen to the extent where he can live independently.
Another issue that annoys me is that he does not contribute anything financially to his care, even a small gesture on his part would go a long way, he is aware of the loss of prepaid vacations/ house alterations. All this coupled with my own health issues (recent heart attack) is putting my relationship with my wife under pressure. I have looked into full time care options for him, but have had push back. I am unsure of where to go next, I regularly feel like walking out.
Your situation is not sustainable.
You got push back from who? FIL? Wife? Both?
Has FIL been diagnosed with dementia? Folks with dementia are mostly blissfully unaware of the impact they have on others.
Can FIL afford careers or facility care?
Does anyone have POA?
Do yourself a favor - start looking into facilities. You will soon need one.
It may be worthwhile to go to a marriage counselor. This does 2 things: it fires a shot over your wife's bow to let her know just how serious this issue is becoming; and it will give her (if she agrees to go) another person's objective perspective on the situation.
Maybe also have your wife read some of the other posts on this forum so that she can see what she's in for attempting to care for a Father whose needs are currently overwhelming both of you, with no end in sight -- only to get worse, which is unimaginable.
The decision to transition him to a facility won't feel good (at first) on any level for her. BUT it does get better. She needs to internalize this fact. Her Dad won't like it but if he goes to a good place, will most likely do better with more activities and socialization. My MIL is in LTC in a fantastic faith-based facility near our home. She's doing wonderfully there, gets far more interaction with a variety of people than in our home. Even gets taken out on the lake in a pontoon boat, in her wheelchair. That'd never happen if she lived with us. Hers is an exceptional case, but just shows it is something that can happen for her Dad. I felt a lot of guilt for a long time because no one ever *wants* to go into a facility, but it was the "least bad option" and we're all doing fine because of it.
Who is pushing back on full time care your wife, FIL or both?
If he has money he needs to be contributing to the household. That includes him paying for extra care and assistance for himself.
And welcome to the selfish senior club you are now a servant to the seniors wants and needs. All your needs and wants are now pushed to the back burner as life revolves around propping up the elder. Even worse if your wife caters to her father and sees nothing wrong with this situation.
The first step is admitting that moving FIL into your home is an issue and he needs more help than you and your wife can offer him. You know that but does your wife agree?
Second step is moving dad out of your home and into a facility.
In the meantime start setting boundaries.
1. No more taking your vacation days or sick days to get him to his appointments. He will need to use transportation provided by Aging Services or pay for a taxi or uber to take him.
2. FIL needs to start contributing to the household expenses.
3. If FIL is capable of doing it himself he needs to maintain his personal hygiene. There is no compromise on this. Nobody wants to smell shit and piss in their house because a senior refuses to take care of himself.
If he can't do it he needs to hire someone out of pocket to come in and shower him and change his diapers daily. If he cannot afford this he will need to get placement in a facility so that these needs are taken care of.
4. I hope your wife sees the stress having dad in the home is causing you and understands that this stress could contribute to you having another cardiac event.
What kind of pushback are you getting about a facility? FIL? He has NO say. Your wife?
At the same time, I’m really surprised how, people are surprised that suddenly they’ll have to deal with their spouses’ parents when they get older. It’s as though people get married (usually in their 20s, 30s), and it never occurs to them that of course, at some point in the future, they’ll very likely have to help their elderly in-laws. It’s as if many married couples (and they’ve had years to discuss this), never discussed in the past 30 years of being married, what the plan is when the in-laws get older.
Of course plans can be modified, but it’s as if so many married couples never talked about this, “Hey, when our parents get elderly, like in 15 years, what do you think we should do? Shall we try having them live with us 3 months, and if either spouse is unhappy, we find another solution? Shall we never have them live with us? What’s our position on this?”
Having said that I think you MUST negotiate a time limit on this arrangement. I fully understand the desire to help out a loved one when circumstances change but this can easily morph into a permanent situation that overshadows your whole life - in fact it seems that it has already done so.
You had no rules and no stipulations and no intent to discuss how it is going for all involved.
You have painted yourself into a very difficult corner. You are now in a place to have to at best ask your father to leave and at worst evict him from your home. You need family discussion and I would see that Elder Law Attorney now, tho it is a bit late, armed with all particulars including your father's paperwork regarding POA, his assets and etc.
I am sorry you moved him in. Once done this is extremely difficult to change up.
I think you need to consider placing FIL on his dime. If wife does not agree then you may want to back off from doing any care. Bringing an aging parent into a married couples home will cause conflict if one of the spouses is not considering the others needs. The needs of the Spouses should always come before the needs of a parent.
Dear Abby
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
I’m sorry that you are struggling with this situation. Your resentment is understandable. Having a parent live in our home gets old.
You sound like a caring man. You want your father in law to receive the care that he needs, just not at the expense of sacrificing your life with your wife.
Spending vacation days to care for your father in law is disappointing for both of you. You work hard and those days should be spent doing things that you enjoy.
No one has a money tree planted in their yard, so it’s not unreasonable to expect your father in law to pay for expenses.
For the record, people who have siblings don’t have it any easier. Caregiving usually falls in the hands of one child, plus they often have squabbles with their siblings causing them to often wish that they were an ‘only’ child.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They can assess your father in law’s needs and make recommendations for care options.
I think it would be helpful to discuss your situation with an objective person who has experience in this area, such as a marriage and family therapist. A mediator could help guide each of you through this challenging situation.
Be completely honest with your wife and tell her that you want what is best for everyone. Suggest that you go see a therapist as soon as possible.
I would do some research before going to speak with a counselor. Look into what facilities are in your area and how facility care can be more cost effective than hiring private caregivers or those from an agency.
I would stress how much your wife means to you and that you miss your privacy.
I would also point out the amenities that facilities provide, including the opportunity for socialization.
Best wishes to you and your family.
But how did you expect things to be when you moved him in? With the issues he has, you couldn't have expected it to be much different, could you?
Now you're stuck, but you have options. Get him out of your house and into a facility. He isn't going to get over this anytime soon and probably never. Or start by hiring people to take him to his appointments, and you must tell him that he's going to pay for it. Start looking for a facility for him and tell him that's what you're doing. This discussion should have happened before he ever moved in.
Engage your wife in discussion and enlist her help to move things along. You say she's pushed back, but perhaps you could get a mediator to lead both of you to a solution that works for both of you. Her dad gets no say-so. He should have planned better for his old age and care, and he has no right to disrupt your household and even cause your marriage to fail.
Good luck to you.
The personal hygiene issue would be a total deal breaker. Why let FIL destroy your home, which is your biggest, lifetime investment? How did FIL afford to live when not freeloading off you? Your blood pressure must spike daily!
You had a recent heart attack, yet still allowed this to happen? Remodeled your bathroom for FIL? ($$$$$) You both work full time?
Set a deadline to have him placed....30 days from now.
Get FIL placed pronto, to avoid having another cardiac event!
She made marriage vows to YOU, not her father. Get that deadline picked, and ignore the "push back." You may have to leave a few weeks, to wake your wife up.
Above all, keep in mind: FIL has NO SAY SINCE HE DOESN'T PAY.
I wish you strength with getting your home and lives back.
Didn't the recent heart attack get any attention from your wife?
My Dh is caring for his mother in her home (I would not allow her to come here--and neither other kid allowed it either). She is the same as your FIL--reverted to being a child in many ways and expecting and receiving care at the expense of the health and well being of her kids.
I assume it's your wife who is giving you pushback?
Sounds like your FIL is going to hang in there a long time--no major health issues.
You're both giving up your lives for him. That's our dynamic too.
I've had zero success getting my DH to allow his mother to get in home CG's and she will never go to a NH, which is where she belongs. I have no advice--except to be forthright with your wife as to what you feel. At least you do have some in home care--but that only goes so far and then you are still, at the end of the day, driving a bus you didn't want to even get on.
I am watching my DH spiral down, down, down into a depression so deep he can't function some days. It's horrible. Since he began CG, he has had 2 'episodes' which he thought we heart attacks--and weren't--they were panic attacks and he felt so stupid going to the ER to find out his heart was fine and he's just stressed. But he's HAD 2 heart attacks and I swear if his mom gives him another one I will lose it.
Yet since I have no say in this--I am a mute observer.
Minimally, FIL should be paying his own way. And you shouldn't have to give up your life for him. I'm one to talk--we won't have a vacation of any kind this year, and looks like MIL is doing so well, she's not going anywhere, no matter what happens.
I can only hope you can talk sense into your 'pusher-backers'. Your FIL would probably thrive and be better off in a NH where his needs can be met without stressing out the people who should love him most.
I can only add "Good Luck". I'm really sorry for your situation.
I am sorry that you moved him in with you. Now this becomes a living situation problem (you have made your home his home) and a marital problem. I hope that you and wife can come to agreement that if 24/7 care doesn't work for one person (for WHATEVER REASON) then it doesn't work for a couple. Then you will need to tell FIL that you are sorry, but you do not wish him to live with you any longer. It then comes down to placement and your helping him to find it; I feel you are obligated to assist with this due to your poor decision making in the first place.
You say YOU have looked into placement. No. That needs to be your and your wife. So start there. You may need counseling. Your own health is at risk here as well. If your wife refuses to get placement for her Dad, then you may be looking at saying "Darling, I love you, but my own health has to come first now for me; I will be moving to a small studio apartment. I will assist you here and there as I feel able, but my limitations are such that I cannot do this care with you. I am so sorry I didn't realize this before the fact and before the move-in, but I have no choice but to recognize it now".
Then make your arrangements.
Sometimes nothing will do but the absolute TRUTH.
This will never work, you should be your wife's priority not her father.
Also, don't understand why you didn't work out a room and board agreement in the first place, he should be paying you a monthly rent, no exception to that.
You are in a mess now. If it were me, I would put your wife on notice, it is either him or me. Place him or I will have to move out so that I can maintain my sanity and take care of my health issues.
Time to stand up for yourself, this is your home, not your FIL's.
Anyone would feel resentful in your position. I'm the sole caregiver for my mother (96) who has been living in my home for the past 6 years and there have been many periods when the resentment would begin to bubble inside of me.
I can't imagine how it would be with an in-law in my home.
Nevertheless, you do need to protect your own health, because caregiving can and will wreck it. It has been an ongoing struggle for me to stay healthy and I've declined about 25% from where I was even 3 years ago.
Your FIL being 79, may live for many more years. As his care needs increase, your life will decrease. So will your wife's. It's just the nature of beast.
If you're going to allow your FIL to stay in your home, it's important to set boundaries. He also needs to carry his weight financially.
I have POA and I use my mother's $$ to pay for her sitters, her supplies, a portion of the food and any other household expenses that may arise.
There is nothing wrong with hiring - with his $$ - people to drive him to his appointments.
Or you can place him in a facility, which I know very little about, because I'm going to take it all the way with my mother in my home.
I wish you well. This is the hardest job that we never wanted.