Father just died and mom is now showing signs of dementia. Is this part of loss?
Hi. I am wondering if anyone has dealt with this before. My dad died in August of this year and he suffered from LBD. My mother had a very hard time as his caregiver. My dad was 86 and my mom is 81... he died at home. My mom is having a tough time dealing with my dad’s absence and suddenly is showing signs of dementia. She asks me every night where my dad is. She was there when he died... she was there when we buried him... he was a veteran and the flag sits in a case in the house yet she still asks. Could she suddenly have dementia? Is this part of loss? I had her get an MRI done and it showed some shrinkage but doesn’t everyone’s brain shrink a little with age? Why is she only forgetting about my dad's death? Could this be a way of coping? How will I go through this again if it is dementia....
If your mother is diagnosed with dementia, it won't be due to a vitamin deficiency or pure grief. It will be due to medical testing of various kinds, and not just MRIs, but tests like MoCa which is cognitive and asks questions of her. If she's unable to work everyday appliances like phones, microwaves, tv remotes..........that's a sign of cognitive impairment. After a traumatic incident like a death, of course everyone is going to be MORE off than they usually are. But not to the point where they keep asking the same question over and over again, and not realizing their husband has passed away. At least I wouldn't think so.
If your mother is diagnosed with dementia, then you will decide if you want to keep her at home for the duration or if she'd be better off in a Memory Care Assisted Living. My mother lives in one of them and she's very, very well cared for by a team of people who work in 24/7 shifts. There are only 23 residents so they all get a huge amount of individualized attention. This is NOT something you must decide today or even tomorrow. Just something you can keep on the back burner of your mind for future consideration
Try to relax a bit and give your mother some grace. You've both suffered a huge loss and for that you have my deepest condolences. I lost my father in 2015, and my mother her husband of 68 years. She took the path of getting rid of ALL of this things immediately and refusing to even talk about him. Ever again. We each grieve differently; and some do not grieve at all. Nobody can really tell you exactly what your mother is going through right now; it could be a bit of dementia and a whole lot of grief combined.
But for you to start ramping up YOUR anxiety now, in addition to going through such a profound grief period, won't be helpful. Show YOURSELF some grace as well and try to just do the best you can without overthinking anything. Take things one day at a time and when your mother questions where your dad is, tell her he's visiting a relative in another state. Continually reminding her of his death will not help her in any way, especially if there IS dementia at play here. It will make her relive the trauma over and over again, you know? Just tell her whatever she needs to hear to keep her CALM!
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace; that everything will work out well for both you and your dear mom.
Consider not starting off with “listen”.., it doesn’t make someone want to read on... it’s like scolding someone... makes a person feel stupid for asking.
I think you're right, that this is - not so much a way of coping, because that almost sounds like there's a choice - but your mother's emotions and sense of self being in complete free-fall. She must feel so disoriented, after years of strain and then total absence.
If, just as a suggested example, instead of directly answering your mother's question about where your father is, you were to take her hand and ask her what she's thinking, what might she say?
Regarding your mother: "suddenly" can indicate 2 things:
- you didn't realize just how much decline she had because everyone was (rightfully) focused on dad
- she has a UTI and needs medical attention
- both things can be true at once
Please take her in to be tested for a UTI which can often have no other symptoms in the elderly except confusion and uncharacteristic behaviors. Antibiotics can clear it up but if she gets any medicine, someone needs to help make sure she is actually taking it and in the correct prescribed dosages. I would not assume anything about your mom's continued "independence" right now. Keep a close eye on her and don't rely on what she tells you as accurate -- she may have memory decline as well. Have the doctor give her a cognitive exam while there so that you know what you're dealing with. I wish you success in figuring out what's up with her and how best to help her!
I would take her for a good physical. Bloodwork and labs. Get a referral to a neurogist. This way you rule out the physical stuff. Is she on heart meds. Water pills? This will deplete your potassium. My Aunt and Mom had problems with their thyroids. Diabetes will cause problems.
Any number of things could be off in her system or it could be a UTI. Rule those out first.
Grief can manifest itself in many ways. Dementia symptoms usually come about very slowly. I wouldn't rule dementia out but I can also see this as response to her deep sorrow and grief. Grief occurs when someone or something we love dies. The longer the relationship and interdependence, the more profound the grief. Grief can be accompanied by depression also. The two can be difficult to separate. Mom needs further evaluation and maybe counseling.
Your mom's grieving could have begun while dad was still alive. “Anticipatory grief” and “ambiguous loss” are two terms that caregivers experience prior to the actual death of a LO. These are the emotions one feels in anticipation of death. Once death occurs a much deeper sense of grief can occur.
If you haven't already I would advise you educating yourself about both grief and dementia. This could help you to better understand the terms and maybe help your mom deal with her loss. There are many books and websites that can help, some are webmd.com, mayoclinic.org, and apa.org. The “Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving” is a good book.
Start with a doctor visit for her ...it could be a number of issues.
Take care.
My boyfriend's mom had some dementia issues. Little things, but still able to communicate. Just a few things that made you aware her mind was not always clear. Her oldest son died unexpectedly and she totally separated from reality. He died in March. Toward then end of the year, she couldn't remember how to walk. By December, she recognized boyfriend's face, but couldn't recall how she knew him. She passed on Christmas Eve. We never thought it would progress that quickly. She was in her 80's..
On the other hand, my brother passed unexpectedly in July 2020. My mom is 96 and pretty sharp mentally. She didn't recognize my sister who she sees on a regular basis. The neighbor happened to be here when mom asked who the lady was in her living room. Then mom said, oh yeah, I know that. She seemed a little foggy for a couple of weeks after the funeral. Fast forward to November, and she's back to her old self pretty much. A little more teary about things, but recall has returned.
Perhaps it is a way of blocking some pain. Be patient and try to get her mind busy with things she enjoys (or used to enjoy prior to being a full time caregiver). She has lost her husband and her daily routine of caring for him. The caregiver role creates it's own havoc on the brain because you are constantly starting and stopping your thoughts midstream. I find myself dealing with 'feeling lost or what was I doing' all day long as I manage the 24.7 care for my mom.
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