Hi. I am wondering if anyone has dealt with this before. My dad died in August of this year and he suffered from LBD. My mother had a very hard time as his caregiver. My dad was 86 and my mom is 81... he died at home. My mom is having a tough time dealing with my dad’s absence and suddenly is showing signs of dementia. She asks me every night where my dad is. She was there when he died... she was there when we buried him... he was a veteran and the flag sits in a case in the house yet she still asks. Could she suddenly have dementia? Is this part of loss? I had her get an MRI done and it showed some shrinkage but doesn’t everyone’s brain shrink a little with age? Why is she only forgetting about my dad's death? Could this be a way of coping? How will I go through this again if it is dementia....
Acute grieving can cause depression and anxiety, and there can be some odd behavior with that.
You say that the MRI shows "shrinkage". With this, whatever it is, loss of white or gray matter perhaps, a doctor will make some diagnosis, or will suggest further testing. What further testing was done? She should see MD for first a urinalysis to rule out UTI, then perhaps consider a neuro-psych exam for testing and staging if the MD believes this is indicated.
My father was weak his last years. My Mom took over as caregiver. She was late 80s and he early 90s. She thrived in the role when I got them help with housekeeping. She gained needed weight, was cheerful and busy, and it was as if she had a mission for this man she so loved. But upon his death she collapsed, wilted like a flower. Soon enough she was taken for a pacemaker, and while she had more years she treasured, she was quite a lot weaker. The burst of energy was gone.
Good luck in assessing what is happening. Know also that right now, you yourself may be now hyper- vigilant. I am so sorry for the passing of your Father, and for everyone's grief. I hope you will update us.
Grief can manifest itself in many ways. Dementia symptoms usually come about very slowly. I wouldn't rule dementia out but I can also see this as response to her deep sorrow and grief. Grief occurs when someone or something we love dies. The longer the relationship and interdependence, the more profound the grief. Grief can be accompanied by depression also. The two can be difficult to separate. Mom needs further evaluation and maybe counseling.
Your mom's grieving could have begun while dad was still alive. “Anticipatory grief” and “ambiguous loss” are two terms that caregivers experience prior to the actual death of a LO. These are the emotions one feels in anticipation of death. Once death occurs a much deeper sense of grief can occur.
If you haven't already I would advise you educating yourself about both grief and dementia. This could help you to better understand the terms and maybe help your mom deal with her loss. There are many books and websites that can help, some are webmd.com, mayoclinic.org, and apa.org. The “Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving” is a good book.
Regarding your mother: "suddenly" can indicate 2 things:
- you didn't realize just how much decline she had because everyone was (rightfully) focused on dad
- she has a UTI and needs medical attention
- both things can be true at once
Please take her in to be tested for a UTI which can often have no other symptoms in the elderly except confusion and uncharacteristic behaviors. Antibiotics can clear it up but if she gets any medicine, someone needs to help make sure she is actually taking it and in the correct prescribed dosages. I would not assume anything about your mom's continued "independence" right now. Keep a close eye on her and don't rely on what she tells you as accurate -- she may have memory decline as well. Have the doctor give her a cognitive exam while there so that you know what you're dealing with. I wish you success in figuring out what's up with her and how best to help her!
1) May have over looked due to your dad's condition.
2) She was covering her own decline as she was focused on your dad
3) She is showing signs now that your dad may have covered for her.
4) This may be a bit of depression as well
5) There have been studies that caregivers of people with dementia often develop dementia as well. (I have read this and I am a bit up in the air about the study. Since many people are diagnosed with dementia at some point it seems like a good bet that a caregiver would as well. So I do not put much stock in the study)
I think the first thing to do is to get mom to her doctor for a check up.
If you can send a note to the doctors office (most have a Patient Portal that you can send secure messages, chances are your mom has not set one up so it might be pretty easy for you to do so)
Have you discussed your concerns with your mom? Chances are she may be concerned as well,
Also if your dad was on Hospice she can (and you as well) use the Bereavement Support that Hospice offers. You could also ask the Team Manager if any of the people visiting noticed signs of dementia in your mom during their visits.