Why do I feel so guilty and depressed when Mom isn't active and just sits all day?
I feel like I'm not doing enough for my 89 yr. old Mother with beginning dementia. She just sits in her recliner all day. She does get up to use the bathroom and eat. She like to watch TV and do her word find book. She thinks it makes her keep her mind active. It doesn't, only when she is doing it. Otherwise she can't remember much. I feel so depressed sometimes when just sit there. We will talk for a little while, then we don't have anything else to say. She won't go to the senior center. I sit with her as much as I can, but I have housework to do. She is in a lot of pain from her hip surgury and degenerated discs in her back. She grunts and moans a lot. Takes Tylenol 3 to 4 times a day. There isn't much else to do. I can leave her for a couple of hours. I guess I just deal with it.
Is she on any medications for the dementia?
Be glad that she still enjoys television. That is tough for some dementia patients, when they can't remember the beginning of the plot by middle, when their attention span shortens, and when commercials become too distracting. I spent a lot of time finding dvds that were suitable. My husband liked nature shows, but they couldn't be too long. So I don't see anything wrong with watching tv as long as it is occupying her.
The word find books are also fine. My mother does crosswords. There were a few board games my husband would play. Keeping the mind active is a good thing. It certainly doesn't cure dementia, but it gives her something to do. Some researchers feel that using the brain connections that are still available is useful.
A regular senior center may or may not be suitable for someone with dementia and lots of back pain. An adult day health program may be more suitable. Check out what is available in your area.
When you are sitting with her, could you be looking at scrap books? Do you/she have shoeboxes of old pictures she could help you identify? Even if she can't remember the television show she just watched, you may be surprised at the detail she can remember in a 40 year old picture!
Most people like to feel useful and that they are contributing to the household. Can Mom fold towels? Sort socks? Set the table? Cut grocery coupons out of the paper? Chop onions? With her pain issues you may have to find things she can do sitting down.
Even without dementia, Mother might be sitting in her recliner most of the day. This is Not Your Fault. Try not to take it personally and let it depress you. Do what you can to offer stimulation and meaningful activities, spend reasonable amounts of time with her, and accept her limitations.
Keep in touch here, and let us know how this progresses for you.
Yes, she help fold towels, set the table and cleans the dishes and I put them in the dishwasher. But she cough and sneezes and never washes her hands with soap. So I have to remind her. Her own towels are so dirty that I have to bleach them. Showers are another story. She doesn't use much soap there either. Once a week if she needs it or not. She must put vaseline in her hair because it gets so greasy by the 4th day. I won't take her out, except maybe a car ride around town once a week. It really makes me want to throwup. I know there will be time we can't take care of them anymore. If they ever go into the hospital, have them take her right to a NH after discharge. Then start bring some of here stuff. Tell her you can't take care of her anymore and that the nurses will take good care of her and you will visit everyday.
Take care and see you tomorrow. :)
I wish someone would come up with an "enjoy life" pill. We could just give our elders one a day, then wouldn't have to worry about entertaining them. The only thing is we might have trouble keeping the caregivers away from the bottle. :)