Mom is 92, in AL and on Hospice with diagnoses of Lymphoma and Alzheimers. I live close by and have visited almost every day to keep her company and make sure she is getting the cares she needs. There is a disconnect between hospice and AL staff and I have been patiently trying to advocate for her in a non-confrontational manner. Right now she has oral thrush and it is finally being treated correctly. Rationally, I know I am doing all I can to make sure she is safe, cared for appropriately and feels very loved. Tonight I went to a fish fry with hubby and now crying my eyes out because mom used to love fish fries, but barely eats and refuses all my attempts to get her out even for a car ride. Next week we are going away for 2 days with our dog. Only 50 miles away, but I have spent barely any time with my hubby. Hospice and staff and even mom tells me to live my own life, but I feel so guilty She is not imminently near death, per her doctor. At the end of next month, we are supposed to go to Florida for 5 days for a long awaited anniversary trip, if mom is ok. How do I let go and enjoy myself, knowing she is alone and struggling? I am her only family left. My brother refuses to be involved. I have been caring on and off for her and my late dad for the past 20 years. Not direct care, but always available with whatever they needed. My dad was in a wheelchair his last 25 years and passed away 10 years ago. This is breaking my heart and I pray that she doesnt have to suffer for too long. So hard and I'm so sad all the time that I cant make things better for her.
You need to change your G-words!
GUILT is something we feel when we have done something wrong (or SHOULD feel).
Guilt requires that there is A) WRONGDOING and B) MALICE aforethought.
Did you cause your Mom's current status? Did you make her old and ill and in need?
Do you take delight in her pain.
We know the answer, don't we? So "guilt" doesn't qualify.
The correct word for what youare feeling is the OTHER G-word which is GRIEF.
A) You are sad that mom must endure age and its vagaries
B) You are a decent person and you feel pain when you stand witness to the suffering of one you love.
Now on to having a night with your husband at a fish fry.
Do you feel no guilt at ALL at ruining his night out when he is trying to make you happy, and instead you descend into weeping once again about mom?
I think you should consider that.
And did your Mom not have a life in which she had her OWN nights of fish fries? I think you should consider that.
Your Mom is very lucky. She is where we are all going (I am 80, and am ACUTELY aware of this).
She has the love of a gentle and loving daughter; I have this as well. The day I would see her feel as you do would break my heart.
I can only hope you will get a good counselor. And by good I mean NOT one that will listen to your sadness and tears, but one who will shake you out of this habitual thinking that doesn't do honor to your mom and that ruins the life she gave you and the lives of those around you.
I am so sorry if any of this is painful; I don't mean it to be. And I TRULY want what is GOOD for you.
But I believe your Mom would agree with me. PLEASE learn to celebrate your Mom, her life, and and the life she gave you.
I read your post and you sound like a wonderfully caring person. You have advocated for your mother’s needs. You visit her on a regular basis. So, what do you have to feel guilty about? You haven’t done anything wrong.
You have enormous empathy for your mom. You are sad that she can’t enjoy life as she once did. It is completely normal to feel sad. I felt very sad that my mom struggled with Parkinson’s disease.
I doubt that your mom would want you to feel like you do. I’m very happy that you went out with your husband to a fish fry.
Everyone needs joyful times for themselves. You haven’t neglected your mom in any way.
I am sure that husband enjoyed spending time with you.
It’s tough balancing our time. I think you are doing the right thing by taking time off and enjoying time with your husband.
You have a husband. Couples deserve to enjoy time together doing things that they enjoy. Even if you weren’t married you would still deserve time to enjoy things that matter to you.
I recently found and joined a “loss recovery” group. For me, it has been a powerful release. It is addressing several types of loss, including illness and death among cherished LOs. Something like this may be a good support for you, if you can find one.
You are doing HARD WORK. Your spirit needs refreshment and super charging, and you actually owe it to her and the love you share with one another, to be the best you can be to yourself, as well as to her.
Think of its balance. If you offer 110% of yourself to her, you deplete you resources for meeting her needs.
YOU COUNT. When my mom was at the end of her life, I’d go to her every afternoon to help her with supper.
When my husband and I were invited to the wedding of dear friends, about 2 hours away from her I considered declining the invitation.
At the last minute, I told DH that I’d give it a shot. When I called to check on her at around supper hour, I could hear her aides involved in a jolly chat with her. I felt great, she was fine, and the wedding was a healthy break.
Make your self charging trips, check in by phone at different times ONCE a day, and be your husband’s favorite wife during your break.
No one will lose for doing so, and you may even ALL BENEFIT.
Hope so!
you're doing everything you can, tygrlly1. you're super sweet, super kind. and you've been helping your parents for yearsssss. all alone. your brother dumped it all on you.
it's very hard to enjoy one's life, when someone we care about is suffering:
1. because we keep remembering the person and remembering they're suffering/unhappy.
2. because some of us won't even allow ourselves to be happy, if someone we care about is suffering.
3. because some of us will even punish ourselves, if someone we care about is suffering -- not because we think we caused it, but because we somehow feel we should suffer, too.
❤️🙂 please be super sweet, and super kind to yourself, too.
enjoy life. years from now, you might think, "oh my goodness, why didn't i enjoy my life more!! it didn't help my mother for me to be miserable, too. and now i'm older. i should have just enjoyed my life so much more."
please enjoy your life. ❤️
be sweet to your body, mind, soul.
Grief
Gloom
Are two more appropriate than grief.
The Hospice has Volunteers that can come in and sit with mom so she is not alone. Ask the Nurse or Social Worker to request a Volunteer that will come in when you can not be there. They can stay for as long as 3 hours, they can not do any "hands on" care. And they typically come once a week. The Volunteer can be there when you are away so that do not feel like she is all alone.
Your mom understands that you need time for yourself. She sounds like a lovely, caring person and you should honor her by taking care of yourself and your family. Do things that she would have enjoyed doing so you can tell her all about it by doing this you are still including her in your life.
My therapist told me not to ever allow someone to steal my joy. He gave me great advice. He truly helped me to sort through my feelings.
My therapist was a no nonsense guy who never sugarcoated anything! These are the kind of people that we learn the most from.