I've lived on west coast for nearly 40 years-my family lives on the east coast. Over the years my parents have developed health issues; now my mom has CHF and her prognosis is not good, My dad suffers from Parkinson's & is wheelchair bound but healthwise he's in better shape than her. My brother, their POA, retired to become their PCA and he has some but not nearly enough help. I'm still working and want to retire within the next year. I've held off because I need a knee replacement operation & I want to have it done while I have full medical coverage (which I won't have upon retirement). I'm in my early 60's, so I'm not eligible for Medicare yet.
My mom has been in/out the hospital several times within the past 8 months & I've traveled back east several times this year to spend time with her. I was just with her two weeks ago (she was hospitalized at the time). I called to check on her today only to get a tongue lashing from my aunt about how I should be there helping out, how my mother traveled to see me when I had medical issues, now it's my turn, you've only got one mother, etc....in other words the essential guilt trip. While I'm not hands on care, I do take care of my parent's account finances but I am aware that my brother has the difficult job because he's on call 24 hours.
Now I really feel guilty, torn, indecisive....... should I take a LOA for a couple of months or should I move up my surgery date (from Jan to Nov). I want to be there to support my family yet take care of my responsibilities as well. My orthopedic surgeon, back in April, told me to get the replacement done sooner than later-I should've had it done over the summer, but I waited in case my mom's health condition changed for the worse.
thanks for letting me exhale a bit............
Let's face it at their ages your parents health crises are just going to keep coming.
It is impossible for you to keep traveling to see them for every single one and for every crisis. Plus you are no spring chicken yourself to be their caregiver and keep putting your own health and medical needs last. Your well being matters too.
Shame that your also elderly brother is being burdened to help out when he probably has his own issues. But such is the case with fear, obligation and guilt.
You all should have a conversation about parents needs vs expectations and what their plan is as their health fails and their ability to take care of themselves degrades. Elderly children shouldnt be their backup plan.
Good luck.
If your brother needs help, I hope he knows he has your support to hire help at parents expense, or to find them an ALF if their needs aren’t past that level of care already. Should they be in a NH?
And you are right, no way you are contributing to the same degree as your brother. Difficult to do on the opposite coast. It isn’t a contest and people have to make their own decisions. It sounds as if you have been attentive by visiting several times. Brother certainly doesn’t need a third patient if your knee goes out. sounds like you should get that taken care of.
Is your mom on hospice? That would be one indicator of how serious her condition is. People can live a long time with CHF. Do you speak with her doctors?
However brother made his decision to retire early, that was his decision. Hopefully your parents are compensating him for his sacrifice.
It is a tough time for your family. I’m sorry.
While I would normally have questioned why you couldn't use your FMLA benefits (if you have them; they are only for certain-sized companies) and take some time to go to CT, the knee issue makes that unwise.
Please do discuss with your brother that it is perfectly okay (and preferable!) that he hires help or places your mother in a facility (USING MOTHER"S FUNDS).
Did he jeopardize his own retirement by retiring early to be her caregiver? Is he being compensated for the caregiving? (I hope so!)
I would ignore auntie. This is between your brother and you.
Keep us updated!
If you were my sister, I would tell you point blank that you should get that knee done BEFORE you even think about coming to help out, because how much help do you think you can give with a bum knee? What if, while you are at your parents helping your bro, you take a fall and do damage that requires an immediate operation? Then your brother will have to caregive for *three* people rather than two.
If you want for mom to improve or put off surgery in case she takes a turn, with her having CHF, I'm sorry to say this, but you won't be able to get that surgery until after she passes. My mom had CHF, and while there were some "good days", once she was in the full grip of the heart failure, "good" became a relative term. She never had "good days" like before she had the illness, it was just days where she wasn't AS short of breath, or AS tired as she had been, or AS not hungry as she usually was.
You want to help? Get that knee done ASAP, get through your physical therapy and then talk to your brother about getting to mom and dad to help, hands-on. Both your mom and your dad are only going to get worse, and if you're not at 100%, you're going to need care as well. And that is totally unfair to your brother.
Truth is, we’re not much good to others when we haven’t properly cared for ourselves and there are no gold medals for self neglect. Ask your brother for other ways you can help long distance, maybe you can arrange grocery delivery or something else useful
Then explain to your sibling that you have to have knee-replacement surgery and cannot become a caregiver to your parents right now because you are literally physically unable to.
Really your parents with their conditions belong in assisted living with private aides hired to help them additionally.
It's certainly not fair that your brother has to become a nurse to them both. There are actual nurses and caregivers who do that work for a living. Please talk to him and your parents about the possibility of them going to assisted living.
Then go and have your knee replacement. The longer you wait the worse it is.
When it comes to retiring from a career, work for as long as you can. I retired at 75 and I was so grateful for those extra years. My boss was 85, and he could run circles around anyone much younger. The business closed when my boss passed from covid.
I've been retired for 2 years and I hate it. My mind is slowly going to mush. I know I am not as sharp as I was when I was working. Oh how I miss the office meetings, chatting with co-workers, the research, I would have worked for free just to keep my mind active.
I assume your brother is a senior himself, or close to that age. Note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the parents they were caring. Not good odds. Time for you and your brother to figure out the next step. My Dad went into senior living and he enjoyed his time there, loved being around people of his own generation and all the new ears to hear his stories :) Dad used the equity in his house to pay for senior living.
You should not retire till 65 when Medicare kicks in. Heath insurance is going to take up a lot of your SS. At 62 you only get 75% of ur SS. At 67 you get 100% and at 70 you get 135%. If your single your future income needs to be considered. I so wish I had waited till 66 instead of 62.
Would your Aunt have laid into your brother if it was he who lived on the West coast? No, because he is a man and your a women. Woman have primarily worked outside the home since WWII. Even those who stayed at home worked after the kids left home. But, we r still looked at as the ones that should give up everything to care for our parents. Sorry that brother is the caregiver but Dad having Parkinson's its probably best he is because he has more strength than u do.
I would not take Family leave unless Mom was actively dying. Its only 3 months. You can take it in increments. Maybe taking a month at a time to give brother a break.
It's not. She is wrong.
Your parents did their job caring for you and launching you into adulthood. You pay that forward, to the next generation, not backwards.
I would also recommend getting the surgery in Nov. You're going to need a walker or cane for 2-4 months so unless you are able to stay in the house or you live in an area that doesn't get snow, that is more complicated in winter months. If you are like my mom, not living with constant pain and swelling in the knee will give you so much more energy.
As far as visiting with your parents, you can probably travel comfortably 4-6 weeks after surgery. You may be able to assist with light housekeeping and cooking chores too, but don't overdo.
When I was taking care of my parents, I had one brother who didn't do a lot of the hands on caregiving, but he did listen and help with caregiving decisions and did just about anything I asked that he could, like take my car to get new tires or pick up mom's medicine or help me get mom in the car for a trip or take some papers to the attorney. Having his support in what he could do was invaluable to me.
Call and ask your BROTHER what he needs from you. That's what I'd do. Let him know you need a knee replacement first, and then you're free to help out once you've recovered. Leave auntie out of the convo entirely, and keep it between you and your folks' primary caregiver, your brother.
It's also a good idea, imo, to speak to your brother about hiring help inside the home for mom & dad now. Giving HIM a break and respite from all this caregiving he's doing. And/or looking into Assisted Living for both of them, if they're not too far gone for that lifestyle. It's good to have all the options lined up before a crisis hits or he's burned out to a crisp and ready to collapse.
Wishing you the best of luck getting your knee done SOON and moving forward from there.
Don’t let another relative make you feel guilty. Have they walked a mile in your shoes? Do they who complain even know the complexities of being a caregiver? Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.🙏🏻💜
You have been told to have knee surgery but you still haven’t done it, In the meantime, it sounds like your brother is doing all the heavy lifting for your parents and has done for quite a while. If this is the reality, this is what it is.
It is unrealistic and self destructive for you to retire early or move to the east coast to care for your parents. The west coast is your home and has been for a very long time. Don’t let anyone try to shame you into such an unwise decision,
But if your knee replacement can be postponed and your mother’s death may be not far off as I infer from your post, a leave of absence to help your brother plan for your father’s care after your mother passes might be a good idea. If your knee situation is that bad, you can offer to help by taking over all the bill payment, arranging for services and doing everything that can be done from a distance or while you are staying in your parents home city during a LOA.
I have known numerous people who have had knee replacement surgery and they all reported excruciating post surgery pain and significant disability for up to a year. You may not have such an experience but it also isn’t realistic to believe that you might be of significant physical help until long after the surgery if there is heavy lifting involved.
Unlike many others who post on this forum, I definitely think caregiving cuts both ways and children are and always have been morally responsible to ensure that their spouses and parents are well cared when they can no longer care for themselves. Taking a leave of absence before your surgery to help your brother and aunt figure out a long range plan to provide care seems like the most realistic strategy based upon the information you provided. Do your best from a distance as you have been but don’t retire until you are ready and don’t move back to the east coast because of family pressure or guilt. A person’s siblings also have a responsibility to step in if they live near
by and children live far away and are helping as much as they can, in my opinion. Our family operates this way and support each other according to our age, health and abilities. People do get mad at each other but we do not let arguments fester, with few exceptions. I recommend that you do the same.
That means get with your brother to see what HE needs. Help arrange extra help for him, because you're going to be out of commission for a bit. Get that knee done in November, because the rehab can be grueling. Write off the holidays (kind of a relief, honestly), focus on getting your body in the best possible shape, then attack 2023 with renewed energy.
Since you are already doing the finances for your parents and your sibling is doing hands-on care, it is time to talk. Ask him what types of help would free up his time - grocery delivery, housecleaning service, lawn/yard service, sitters a couple of times a week... and offer to research the costs. You can then discuss together the best plan to address your parents' issues.
Aunt is feeling stressed. You are still working and need your own health needs addressed. No need to address her about that conversation unless she is spreading rumors or constantly giving you guilt trips. If so, take some time to craft some diplomatic responses from the info you shared above.
Exchange your "guilt" feeling for a "concerned" feeling. Talk to your brother. See what he recommends. Come up with a plan for your parents, together. If available, offer to help from afar. For instance, my sister can do research, set up appointments, etc from a different state. She is there when I need to vent. However, remember, don't make day-to-day decisions unless he agrees to them first.
Yes, move up your surgery. No time is a better time. There will always be a reason for delay. Before you know it, the excuse will be that "I want to enjoy the holiday season."
Plan and organize for the future. Don't think too much about the what ifs. Plan for the 50% possibility. I notice that as I got older, it got harder to make decisions primarily because I was overthinking everything. Sometimes you just "got to cut bait and go".
And last, have faith and confidence in yourself, that you can handle whatever life throws in your way. Don't feel guilty, just acknowledge the error in your thinking and move forward.
You could take a medical leave of absence and make your decisions while back there. If all goes well, come back and retire or sell and relocate: the choice is yours and no one else's. Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to help you plan for them and yourself: if your surgery doesn't work out, you may find yourself in need of care.
When both my parents died in their
50’s and I was the oldest child. I should have moved or insisted that
my siblings help out later when other
tragedies struck in the family, but I
realize now that I was too anxious and
unable to insist that others help me.
Now that I am aging myself, no one
has offered me to care for me in the
future, including my two grown children whom I allowed to become
spoiled and selfish. Give whatever help you can to your siblings and parents now because there is never a
perfect time, and have your surgery.
Your family will be grateful and will
think of helping you if you need them
soon so you will be well and ready for
when you are needed again. You won’t regret helping, and you will have
shown others that they can count on
you.
2) Yes, consider getting your knee done so that is accomplished and you will potentially be able to help later.
3) Do whatever you can do remotely to help and make a plan to give your sibling some relief by hiring help or whatever works.
Good luck!
Knee surgery can have a rather long recovery time, so even if you do it in November - her heath and brother's respite needs may not be met by you physically. With mom's health in decline over recent months, could you take the LOA and go help brother for several months? Then return to work for the surgery. That may be of more benefit to him now. You already put off the surgery for at least the past 3-4 months and sort of continued to plan it for first of 2023 which would have meant a planned delay of over 6 months. Unless there is some immediate urgency, helping brother to help mom and dad will give him some relief and you some time with parents before it's too late.
My elder mom is 86 and needs help with meals and meds...but also needs company! We...as a family hired 2 great cna to care in her home...for most of the day. She can be alone overnight. She has her mind but frail and lazy ( true!)...
She loves the carers. Loves the company...chit chat...food and not worrying g about all the meds. They are wonderful. I go 3000 miles to see her as work allows. I too moved to west coast over 30 years ago..work family etc is here...
But family there pitches in with sis in law helping and over seeing...grand kids visit. A few friends keep in touch.
My two siblings have passed away ...and their children are there and do visit some.
I say get well get strong. Visit as work and family life allow. Keep an eye on care and her carer..your brother.
Let hi. Know you will spell him sometimes but encourage hiring of ongoing care to life some of the care giving off his shoulders.
There are good people in the cna field. Find them!