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I need help - I'm so burned out, torn, and confused that I can't even make a decision. I've been caring for my dad post-stroke for 7 months. I have 2 brothers - one who doesn't give a crap about dad, the other is a controlling bully who wants the best for my dad and doesn't care if it is at my expense. This brother and I are trying to plan for dad's future.


I have been across the country, away from my home, husband, and job (I'm on disability post surgery) for most of these 7 months. I went home 3 times for a total of 16 days. My husband is emotionally abusive at times, and a great guy about to turn into an abusive guy all the other times. We were not on the best terms before all this happened, but we had a stable life together. My husband has never been supportive when it comes to situations where his needs are being neglected, so he has been enraged from day 1 of me flying to be with dad. Right now he is packing up my stuff, changing the locks, letting my exotic reptile collection die off, and telling me he's parking my car in a parking lot to get it towed. I am trapped here with the virus lockdown-nothing I can do-seeking a lawyer.


My dad has financial resources, so when he was released from the hospital in December, we put him in the best skilled nursing facility we could find. Dad is a 200# man, now with hemiplegia - I witnessed the caregivers almost drop him several times. CNAs by law here can't lift more than 35 lbs so no one wanted to try to get him up - PT/OT was a joke. Dad had dysphagia/a feeding tube, but the staff often almost accidentally fed him. The facility decided it was unsafe to transfer/shower dad, so he got only bed baths for a month before we decided he was going to die if we kept him in a facility. We flew him to a stroke rehab hospital and kept him there for 8 weeks. Now he is stronger and I am able to transfer him, toilet him, groom him, dress him, change diapers, etc, all by myself.


We hired 24 hour care when we returned from the stroke rehab hospital to dad's home 2 months ago. We realized we had the same problem as at the care facility - someone was going to drop / otherwise neglect him. Dad needs to live with a family member to watch over/assist his caregivers to prevent physical/financial harm coming to him.


The biggest problem with this is Dad moved away from all of us when he and mom divorced and he refuses to live near any of us now. So he wants to stay here - which means either a nursing home or 24/7 care with a family member supervising.


My brother is pressuring me to be the family member who gives up life (1 year, 2, 5 10?) to stay with dad. I have health issues and I am pretty shaky right now. If I keep doing this I am going to ruin my body. With the coronavirus outbreak, we discontinued the caregivers two months ago and I'm doing it all myself.


My brother is running the business and he stands to make a lot of money if I am the caregiver and he doesn't have to be. We have an aunt who may be willing to be a paid caregiver for dad, but we aren't sure we trust her judgment. My brother guilts me saying that if I stay here to care for dad I'll be financially set. But I want my job and life back. I am required to be back at work in two months or I'll lose my job. I've lost my marriage. I am 50 - how will I recover my life if I stay here?


My brother wants a house for us all to live in - and me to do all the work. I'm tired. I don't know how to even make a decision. I feel alone, anxious, trapped, and used. If I go home and leave dad in my aunt's care, I would feel guilty for leaving dad and I'd worry she can't care for him as well as I do. If I go home my support system is a lot less now that my husband is doing god knows what, I haven't talked to friends for months and I have to find a new place to live. I don't want to start a new life here, especially one that limits my living. Please tell me how you've coped with situations like this and made decisions. I need advice and hope.

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Tinellers, any update?
How are you going?
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My opinion is to place him back in SNF. Have him get assessment by the physical therapy department what he can & cannot do. Do NOT stay & become your Dad’s 24:7 f/t caregiver. You can be his advocate. To get him back in SNF, call ambulance & say you are unable to care for him as you have bad back, or you have a hernia or something or other. If you’re worried about not being close by, you can always transfer him to another SNF later ...or visit every so often. But use phone to check up or FaceTime.

As far as your home, your husband locking you out? Your name on house? If so, he’s not allowed to do that. Call police to have access to your home. Call lawyer to get him kicked out! Don’t allow so many people to abuse you at same time! Most of all, treat yourself well. So once you get your father in SNF again, then deal with husband & protect your rights. Nobody right now is looking out for you & your well being including your siblings! That’s why you have to look out for yourself!!! No one else will. Being a f/t caregiver to Dad will suck the life out of you. DON’T DO IT!!!
please take my advice & let us know how you are doing. Lots of hugs 🤗
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You need to leave immediately and do not be taken advantage of. Trust me I did this for almost a year and was taken advantage of by family. They kept on piling stuff for me to do and firing help to save money and intimidate me to do the extra baggage like yard and handywork. You know why? Because they know they can and could put up with it. I left after months of telling them I had enough and they realize how hard it was even though they were sharing it with someone else. Guess what? Grandma is okay. Make it clear that this responsi8is not solely on one person because pretty soon they will forget about hiring the caregiver like they did me. I was just supposed to move in to keep them company. Since I left they hire a caregiver cleaner and gardener and are still exhausted from sharing between four people. Now they are telling me they know why I left when they are tired and add in a extra guilt trip. Make it clear from the beginning you are not doing it alone and will not move in and there will have to be a caregiver and you will rotate coming in to check on them
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I know it's hard, when you are dealing with all that you are, to focus on yourself. But I'm concerned that if you don't do some introspective work on yourself, preferably with a therapist, you will continue to attract abusive men into your life.

If you go to take care of your father, since the resources are there, and your siblings are not giving up income, you need to view this as your job and have a contract to be a paid caregiver.

This will be emotionally rewarding and you may find your connect on a deeper level with your father as an adult, but it will also be frustrating and hard work.

Should you choose not to care for your father, you can work with your brother on the best alternatives, and try not to feel too guilty. It is hard. However, all of the burden does not and should not fall on you. Your brothers' lives are not more valuable than yours.

Since your one brother sounds useless, the two of you are carrying on. What would the remaining brother do if you weren't around as an option?

You sound like a kind and caring person, and this is not your fault, but your post does read like all that others are doing to you, and you have agency. Growing up around at least one male who controls, you probably acquiesce and people please. This is a good opportunity to be more assertive about what it is that you want. Good luck!
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I have a very similar situation with my brother expecting my husband (Not abusiv e) to do everything for Mom while he controls her money and does not pitch in an help. I cannot tell you the hours, weeks and months of full time work I have done for my mother over 15 LONG YEARS!!!!!! Now my brother wants our help clearing out Mom's other houses full of years of junk (she's a hoarder). I still have a bone sticking out of my wrist from the last time my husband and I emptied and sold one of her houses. Then, my brother steals the money. Sadly, my mother has always favored him which is why is is probably like this. Anyway, I desperately need low cost resources for help. My brother and mother are in Upstate New York. PLEASE give me some actual sources I can try for REAL help. This has been an unjust, unfair nightmare.
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Sweetie, not to sound mean here - but get the hell out, now. You're being used, abused, and you're letting it happen. Drop the guilt, the regrets, cause if you don't, you're gonna drop dead from stress. The only person on God's green earth worth dying for is -- YOU. I know he's your Dad, know you love him - but the time has come to walk away. Everyone of those you've listed are using and abusing you - do you think so little of YOU, to continue this? Do you know. "the road to hell is paved with good intentions?" And you're full of good intentions, and it's put you into a living hell. This needs to stop, and now. Quit letting them run a con game on you - you're their pawn in their nasty game, and if you don't go, now, you will be there forever. Learn your value, your worth, to yourself. You are priceless. So run, as fast, as far as possible, now. NOW...PLEASE, NOW..
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You need a break from your Dad's care to deal with your life. Maybe your Aunt will not be as good as you but she will be likely be good enough. You deserve a life! Good luck!
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My heart goes out to you. I am a sole caregiver of 2 wonderful elderly parents. And even though they are wonderful, they are a HANDFUL. I write to you from my hospital bed as we speak, recovering from pancreatitis as my needs always suffer. My best advice to you? Get the hell out of that situation before it kills you. If you want to care for Dad tell him he’s moving to a facility near you. If he doesn’t want to go, then turn him over to your wealthy, bossy brother and let him handle it. Next: go home and march right into a good divorce attorney’s office and get your ducks lined up and get rid of your husband before HE does you in. Go back to your job and your friends, and most importantly, live YOUR life. Nothing against your Dad, I know you love him. Just one person can’t do everything. We are going to lose our parents. They have lived a full life. We must accept that. You on the other hand have not, and you deserve to live. Now you Go get ‘em girl!
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tinellers Jun 2020
Thank you. This is what I wanted to hear. I just need to give myself permission. I hope that you are feeling better soon.
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Hi Tinellers,

You received excellent advice from the members here.

I just want to enforce the idea that YOU need to come first, yes, you DESERVE that! If you don't take care of yourself first then you will be useless to everyone else especially your Dad.

Short story: I was very much in love with my 2nd husband and we had a good marriage until I became sick with chronic lyme disease. The man I thought I loved became a different man: he would criticize me, emotionally abuse me, start arguments, etc. All because I was not healthy and was not the same woman he married because I was bedridden from lyme disease.

The dinners I used to cook for him stopped, the cleaning stopped, everything I used to do for him stopped because I was no longer capable due to being ill.

He didn't support me nor show me any compassion. Yet when he was sick with Crohns's disease I took care of him, drove him to different doctors, etc.

The stress of living with this abusive man became too much for me and as sick as I was I asked him to leave which he finally did.

I felt like a ton of bricks lifted off of me when he left. My stress levels went down from 100 to 1. Later on I divorced my husband.

Please seek therapy and divorce your husband. You don't need this stress and to be treated like this. You are worth more and DESERVE to have a loving, caring, supportive man in your life. You are young (even if you don't feel it or think it).

Once you take that first step in taking care of yourself then you can make "clear" decisions regarding your Dad.

Stress is a killer. Don't let it kill you. Find peace within yourself even if it takes a good therapist to help you find that road.

Sending you many hugs,
Jenna
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tinellers Jun 2020
Jenna, thank you for the good advice. Hugs back to you. I hope you're doing better.
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Lots of good ideas. My take would be whilst your dad may not want to move a trade off needs to be made between your sanity and ability to support him, monitor his care and his desire to remain where he is.

If you had him nearer to your life you could cope better. You have some serious personal issues of your own to sort out (your husband or hopefully exhusband for one) which you need to be home for. Your dad will need to move to a facility nearer you to enable you to visit regularly. Wishing you the best of luck x
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tinellers Jun 2020
Thank you. You are correct. My brother will not let my dad move near me because of my personal issues, fearing spillover.
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From what I am understanding from this is that your Dad is pretty much helpless but won’t move near you to help you. You stated that your husband is abusive but has abusive tendencies anyway. Your brother is a bully and bossing you around with using financial rewards that may not actually pan out according to your description of your Dad’s health situation. Patients get terribly expensive. So for what it is worth, here is my take: (1) Hand Dad over to Brother Bully. (2) Get on that plane and go home and get either heavy marriage counseling or divorce that man. He’s mean. Who wants that?! Get prepared to go back to your job and get on with your life and get your health back as good as you can. You can go visit Dad for a few days when you can. If Brother Bully loved Dad too like you said, he will take care of him. This is really all you can do unless you want to sacrifice yourself and ruin your health. Then who will take care of you? The abusive husband? Nope. Good luck to you. You are smart enough to figure this out.
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tinellers Jun 2020
Elaine. You rock. Thank you so much for your response.
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You are surrounded by domineering men sorry to say. Life circumstances have now forced you to take a long look at this situation. This is obviously something you can't ignore. First and foremost, you need to get all of your ducks in a row. Nobody else will. Consult a lawyer to protect your assets in regard to your marriage. Your husband seems to feel that you abandoned him. No one in this world would perceive it that way. If you choose to leave him, no one would blame you. Second, seek compassionate extension for your time away from work as you address future care for your dad. Protect that job. Consult an elder law attorney regarding your work for your dad. If you don't have power of attorney or health care proxy, do that now. Draw up a contract so that you can be paid for your caregiving work. Find out what care options are available for your dad. Then, you need to decide where you want your life to be. Ask yourself, where do I want to be in 10 years? I pretty much lost the decade of my 50s caring for my parents. I made that choice, but turning 60 and wondering how I gave up probably the best 10 years of my life was hard to process. And now with Covid, I am still in a holding pattern! If you know that you need moderation and I am hearing that in your question, you need to pass some or all of the care over to someone else. That means that you will need to adjust your perfectionist tendency that I so understand. What I learned is that you can't be perfect. Things will happen that are out of your control. Once you determine your personal goals, then you will know what will have to happen for your dad. You will try to honor your dad's wishes, but it isn't up to him to determine your life, and therefore, he will have to adjust to his new life and its challenges. Aside from legal advice, you should try to find someone to talk to in order to determine your personal goals and priorities. You can do this! Take care.
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Report your not so DH for animal abuse. Seek out an attorney for this multi-facted situation.
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Your pets are being abused. Report it to animal control and have the bastard arrested.
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Have your father appoint you Power of Attorney. Keep it quiet and do your homework. Go to all the Assisted Living Facilities in the area. First by yourself for a meal there. Then with Dad for a meal. Let him see how happy he will be with men his own age he'll be able to sit with and enjoy a meal AND entertainment. You should not give up your life. And you do not have to justify anything to your bossy brother. If there is trouble.. ask for the county eldercare protection system to appoint an ombudsman-- to be a go between and Include your father in this-- his wishes should be paramount. He DOES agree with you, right? He wants you to regain your health and return to your job, right ? So do your homework and do not play into bossy brother's game. Let him think he has the upper hand and hold your cards close. Bossy families can be so depressing. Don't let them harass you. But do take good care of Dad. At the assisted livings, there are nurses that can talk care of him 2 or 3 times a week. If he is a Veteran he could qualify for the Aid and Attendance program which pays like $1127 if he has trouble needing help with personal things like eating or dressing or bathing or other things like using the bathroom. At ALFs the Charge Nurses are liable for any accidents as well as the facility itself--- they will have to pair up helping him get up and down and all. Good Luck. God bless-- speaking of which-- involve a Chaplain. They are great peace-keepers. They know the prince of peace.
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CaregiverL Jul 2020
Duggan, I don’t think ALF will take him since he needs a lot of help with transfers
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I am 50 and I’m with a lot of the responses here.. if you’re already in shaky health, you can’t care for him. Period. If something happened to you ( worst case scenario) ... they’d figure it all out without you... which is why the guilt trip needs to end.

nursing homes are an option, and a choice and an elder care lawyer will help you determine that... like they did in my case. They give you options on what needs to be done... not what the family thinks should be done... it’s to protect them and you from being emotionally and financially drained.

it sounds like you have a lot of abusive people in your life.. and one thing abusive people hate is the victim changing the status quo. Don’t expect reasonableness if unreasonableness has been their poison on choice. You can’t change them, but you can change direction.

kerp your job...it will keep a pattern of familiarity in your life. Keep your location and friends... you’ll need that support until you feel like you’re a stronger you. And put yourself on the list of things to be cared for... because if you can’t value yourself, any change will be hard.

be a new you... for you
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tinellers Jun 2020
Thank you for your insightfulness.
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The help you need is to get your dad in a facility. One of them will take a big person as they have staff that can do it. Do not get into "how he is functioning". You absolutly do not need any part of Taking Care.
The financial advise from your brother...forget it. Get focused on your needs and your life needs.
Forget about the aunt. That will become your new headache and sourse of stress.
A facility is not something new. He will go when you can give him a picture of you and how it is breaking you down and you need relief. He has had in his mind for a long time "I am getting tword the end of my life journey. I am not going to get into what else you are doing to yourself. Let him go to a place that is near you can visit on a weekend. He does not want to lose you
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you should have attorney draw up contract that allows you to be paid for the hours you care for your father, provided he has the resources. We did this when my mom came to live with us in GA after being released from hospital and rehab in AL. She had suffered from viral encephalitis and could not live alone. My dad was ill at the same time but had to go to a nursing home in AL. The contract was done so that any of my siblings could be paid for providing care for them, their house, etc. I was lucky in that my husband was totally supportive in my mom living with us 10 months until she was ok to try assisted living back home. I don’t think my siblings really understood how difficult it was to quit a job I loved and have mom on my own with none of them living close by to help. My sister did coordinate going home from FL for mom’s dr visits in AL. I would take mom to AL, leave her with sis and go home for a few days for myself and husband. The traveling back and forth every 6-8 weeks was tough.
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You’re ready for a new life. You’re young yet..50 is the new 39! I never thought I’d say this...but I wish I were 50 instead of 61. My mother was starting with her falling habit then. I went back to school...enough about me...find a new husband...get rid of this abusive bully. Put Dad in SNF..you cannot count on home care 24/7...& another family member. Your Dad needs lift machine for transfers.. Try & get house ready for sale as you will need $$$ for his care. Build a new life for yourself.
Hugs 🤗
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Llamalover47 Jun 2020
I envy you! I am 73.
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You are not alone. Nobody can possibly understand what it means to be a 24/7 caregiver unless they have done it. It really is not possible to do it alone. You need sleep and rest. That includes time to yourself and your own thoughts. Listen to your own needs and take care of them first. Tell your brother that you can't do it anymore and get back to your real job as soon as possible. I wouldn't put too much faith in your brother's claim that you will be financially set, he doesn't seem very attuned to your needs. Make the decision that is right for you, then do what you need to do to implement your decision. It is much easier to move forward after a decision is made because it focuses your mind on next steps rather than explaining and arguing. Whenever your brother starts in, break with your upbringing, interrupt him, and clearly state, "I have already made up my mind. Tomorrow I am..." and tell him what steps you are taking. Then, if necessary, leave the room. You are an adult and you do not need to convince your brother of anything, tell him what you decide and insist that that is the end of the discussion. If he really cares about you, he will accept your decision, if he does not, what do you care what he says?

The way we handle things about my 95 yo mother in my family: My brother calls Mom about once per year. He also shows up at the birthday party and the Christmas party we give every year. That is it. We no longer consult him about anything regarding Mom. My sisters and I agree that Mom will stay in her own home and we will care for her there for the time being but we all know that none of us can let her move in with us when Mom can no longer stay in her own home. She will go into residential care. We cope with this by living today and not getting into the future much. We don't know how things will turn out or if she will ever need residential care, so we do not borrow trouble from a future that might not happen. Once in a while we review with each other and with Mom her criteria for staying in her home: she must be able to get into and out of bed by herself, dress herself, feed herself and take care of her own hygiene. She also must be able to get herself into our cars when we take her for outings and appointments. She works hard at keeping her abilities to do these things, though her body is wearing out. We will not change our minds about these criteria because each of us has medical problems of our own and lifting or supporting Mom, or even giving her an arm is out of the question. She has a lightweight transport chair that we can manage, but she must be able to get in and out of it herself as we have balance issues, bad backs, artificial knees, and a host of other issues. The grandchildren are too busy to assist, they work, so we retired sisters are doing what we can for as long as we can. When it is too much for any one of us, she can drop out and the others will understand. Nobody spends more than 2 days per week with Mom. That is enough. We love Mom and we do get some lovely insights into her past by spending this time with her, but we also know that none of us could do this alone. We are glad there are 4 of us.

I hope you can work out something that will be good for you. If your brother doesn't speak to you for a while, don't worry about it. Our brother didn't have much to do with us for a couple of years, but we are all on friendly terms now. Each of us is doing what we are willing and able to do and nobody dares to suggest that anyone should do more than they are willing to do.
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Hello, I've experienced most of what you have. One huge difference is I'm heavy into nutrition and inadvertently developed a way of cooking tasty meals and juices resulting in weight loss of up to 5 pant or dress sizes for me and one if my relatives in one year. She has swallowing problems due to delayed speech therapy which teaches to swallow. She has a feeding tube but was allowed soft foods by mouth but frowned upon by some doctors and nurses. Remember the patient needs a trapeze over the bed and should raise their arms over their head to stop a cough. Ahca Nursing home policy says they should be given speech therapy while there to teach them to swallow and eat again. I have a e vervsion of that policy. Since 2015 I lost one relative when I did not have POA, next of kin to get her out. She was walking on a walker, they stopped therapy. The nursing home was broke. Broken equipment, started getting worse after I complained and took her to another hospital, they put me out of the hospital said I had interfered I guessed with nursing home and two years later she died with both legs cut off. I cared for my Mom for three years, she had gone in for a back surgery and had a stroke in surgery. There were some health plan baths 15 days a month, as long as there was home therapy provided. Her weight was great, while i was there some unexpected seizures, I slept in hospitals with her. After i left she gained over a 100 pounds. Drs added more meds 22 pills a day. I complained they called it harrassment. More about that later. Family helped at first but then stopped. I think that if parents didn't try and mend differences when we were young, that carried into mom's future. But they handled Mom's income and foreclosure notices, and past due bills started coming. I didn't know who was responsible, they never answered my calls. I was encouraged to call DCF. Family was furious and leave me out of most family events since then. Mom sided with family said I never saw her crying cause they stopped coming to see her then took her money. She got them cleared. The lesson, if Mom or dad or anyone can maje peace always try before they have to care for you. So her resources got switched to a different relative. I never asked for compensation until all my income ran out and credit maxed out. They paid me 300 a month during the final year and I now had a Master's degree and worked part time when Mom stabilized. Her husband came home during the second year and my relative got her three home health aides. One is free from the Counties Community Action Agency. I started dating a man I had been single for 13 years. Before I went back to work I was worried and anxious about finances. He was a dream come true, but I began to notice controlling behavior and mischief. I prayed to get out it. I knew I was underappreciated by my family but didn't want to be with him. My aunt that died had a disabled daughter with health problems but brilliant. The health plan set up a care plan long term at home 78 hours of nursing a week, adult day care, an alert button, but little or no therapy. I was the contact person. After she caught double pneumonia Public housing said someone must be there with her at night. I went temporarily ended up there for two years, sleeping in living room. But my prayers were answered it took me another year to break off my relationship, but I finally did it. He had helped but I didn't want to end up with Him. He too lived in another city sometimes. Her caregivers had come and go as they pleased since there were no time clocks, and the apmt needed major repairs and cleaning. unkept. My relative had some impairment after strokes. I handled her meager finances but ordered her huge clothes on my cards. My cousin had be fighting her caregivers every day. When they left I did the job of three aides. But new agencies could turn out good or bad. You see we are African american and my cousin lives in public housing. Continued.
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Keepyourheadup1 Jun 2020
Continued. There is a subsersive culture that exists here. It flourishes because safeguards put in place have been circumvented to the disadvantage of the patient or health plan members. You could end up being the only person standing between their certain demise.Advice. Eat optimum nuttitrious meals and snacks and correct your health immediately. Get Health supplement advice and lab work from providers ifor yourself f you must. You must control your own energy level and health. Get that Just right and that's half the battle. If you've got the stamina for games people play, you can help your relative. We didn't survive to become victims, good enoughs or statistics. Health providers and their health plans do not hire enough people like 20 million members, 55,000 employees to do the work. Drs keep enrolling but not enough staff. Work doesn't get done. Members in and out of hospitals, sicker if no therapies, or proper nutrition. Overwhelmed our healthcare system, our nurses, our responders, our courts, our agencies supposed to protect us. etc. Google a health plan. I moved my cousin, and controlled temperature and sanitation. I lowered television once she slept. Nutrition controlled bp and diabetis. Sunshine and speech, occupational and physical therapy and music hair care and medicures, pedis at home. Pain meds a disaster, only Tylenol. No hospitalizations for the two years. But many egotistical medical providers. They lied in medical records. They came and left with excuses. I'd say maybe its better to start again. So after fighting with health plans not doing their work and provider loading us down with out patient appointments with another overwhelmed major hospitals two month wait for each appontment. After their drs had to reschedule, transport issues, hurricanes and weather events, authorizations incomplete they blamed me and said I was the cause of the missed appointments. The dr hated me because I insisted to retest my cousin blood pressure on a different arm or change the machine before she sent her to the emergency room.vthe bp would be normal. I also walked into the clinic to make certain therapy paperwork was done. The health plan made more money if she was high risk, but she hadn't needed any if the high risk equipment that they were billing for or any high risk meds. I had to have three diff care managers removed for lying, and disrespect. So after two years they reported me as an unfit caregiver in 2019. and put my relative into custody. nobody verifued anyvmedical recirds ir documenation because i checked. Ihad copies going of most records.. It got worse after that. It was so bad at the nursing home I called the police before and after they barred me from seeing her. I called the FBI. I called their police chief since police reports left out detailvthey assigned an investigatir. I ran in some Commissioners, sometimes i walked into their offices, I emailed Humanas entire board of directors. sometimes I called. I reached topics for months and found poor sick people are the wealthiest in health entitlements ever, like $12000 every 18:days the cost in a nursing home. Seniors are the wealthiest in assets, ever. The lawyers and nursing homes want to sell that property to pay themselves and the nursing facily. If you can't afford an attorney you lose your relative to a court appointed guardian. Cost of attorney btn $5000 realistic cost up to $10000 for a guardianship case. Lesson learned never give up to save someone, do not trust everybody especially social workers and care managers if you can, there is a subversive cultural grab for power, wealth, jobs, and entitlements. After that Covid 19 hit same thing happened to everybody nobody could go see their relatives, a lot of people lost their employment, nobody got unemployment money. They tried to bankrupt us also. But if it had not already had happened to me I would be shocked. Now they are going after her housing. Take care of yourself keep notes and document
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Wonderful advice from many, not all. First, take care of yourself, not just physically, but financially & emotionally. Get rest. Find ways to cope. Get help from a therapist for the many different feelings that you're having towards your dad, siblings, husband & situation both there & at home. Hire an attorney to prevent your husband from damaging or throwing away your things. Need POA & MPOA for father to help organizing & arranging for is care. Need to get paid for your past services. Speak with insurance company about getting a lift for home to aid in lifting dad safely in & out of bed. Reach out to a friend from your home area to rescue your reptiles & find a home for them or call Animal Control to assist if you can't find help. If you have a trusted person in your hometown ask them to look for an apt. for you & try to rent it prior to you leaving so that you'll have a place to return to prior to returning to work. You have done the best you can in this difficult situation. Write the needs for your dad on paper & give them to your brother ASAP so hopefully you both can try to get things set up before you leave but leave when you need to. You have given enough of yourself & have been taken advantage of. Find resources from dad's insurance company, doctor's office, Capital area of Aging or similar agency to assist in getting the help that he needs but get back to your home & job. Get a therapist @ home to continue your journey to stand on your on two feet & not carry guilt. Fight for your rights if divorce is in the picture when you get back home. 🙏 Be strong, shed your guilt & start your new life. Best luck in solving your crisis. Find some good friends to lean on. If needed, a divorce recovery group to help you deal with it.
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tinellers Jun 2020
Toni, thank you so much for the wonderful advice. Much appreciated. All of you on this site have helped me start to find some peace. Certainly I feel calmer. Best to you. :)
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Tinellers,

My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. Now to the real talk, you need to take care of yourself. You can't effective take care of someone else while breaking down your physical, mental and emotional self. This kind of sacrifice will leave you needing to have care. First take a step back, go within and and figure out what you want for yourself. Your being challenged from many angles, husband, brother, family and personal guilt. There are more than enough people available to take care of your father right now. Take some time and get your life back on track (I'd leave the angry non-supportive husband) put some positive things back in your life. Maybe, you can try to let go of the reigns long enough to make positive and clear plans for your life.

Take care and I hope things get better for you and your family.
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Okay, first off, I am in a situation with some parallels; unsupportive/now estranged family, financial hardship, spousal help needed in a long distance set up, and I have even MORE going on as I had 2 parents but my male parent ABANDONED US with the help of my brother and his kids! I was left to fend for myself WITH my mom! And there’s more, but for brevity and addressing your issues I digress....

One big hint to start: YOU ARE IN CONTROL, SURPRISE!!! Because of my own inability to be more STERN with my father, he was able to leave and wreck my life financially. YOU CANNOT FALL HOSTAGE TO OLD RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS THAT NO LONGER SERVE YOU!!! Its YOUR HEALTH that is on the line!!!!(I also had over 4 medical procedures leading up to my crisis, including a HYSTORECTOMY while my male parent was giving the landlord notice that we were MOVING! YES, while Im HOSPITALIZED!!! So you see here, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ISSUES, as you do all the (literally in your case) heavy lifting!

This caregiver shit AINT NO JOKE, and you MUST make decisions IN YOUR BEST INTEREST, even when it DOESNT WORK FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!! And that husband? Yeah, SCREW HIM TOO! Selfish little c@&! You should’ve dropped his ass off somewhere a LONG TIME AGO! He sounds like a NARCISSIST which you HARDLY need in your life! Let his ass go, but focus on going and moving out! Solve THAT problem. You need a SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND like mine!! We flew him back and forth from east to west coast, in between HIS obligations so he could be with me to support me emotionally and help me with the work load. No room for a non supportive spouse. Nowhere. Not even when you get back home, sorry to drop that reality on you. He doesn’t sound worth a fight to treat you like this while in a personal crisis! How unloving!

You must think long and hard about HOW you want to restructure things, and then PUT EVERYONE ON NOTICE OF HOW ITS GONNA BE MOVING FORWARD!!!! Your life matters too god dam it( actually a PRAYER asking God to ‘DAM UP’ what is hindering you!) So find your big girl panties and pull those jokers up, and get ready for the tsunami of objections to you reclaiming the reigns to your own life; because it WILL UPSET PEOPLE when you STOP playing the part THEY want you to play that no longer SERVES YOU! There will be blowback, but STAND FIRM, because your life, health and mental state are all UNDER SIEGE and they BOTH had better RESPECT IT OR YOU CAN PACK A BAG AND BE GONE ON THE FIRST FLIGHT TO FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR OWN LIFE, NO PROBLEM!

Your Dad ran HIS OWN HEALTH INTO THE GROUND, and now he is NO LONGER IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN CARE!!! PERIOD! The infirmed elderly folks desires and personal agenda can NO LONGER RUN THE SHOW! And to ADD insult to YOUR INJURY, I bet the man doesn’t even HAVE A CARE PLAN where he PLANNED AHEAD FOR HIS OWN UNTIMELY HEALTH CRISIS, did he?

So you see, you are letting EVERYONE OFF THE HOOK but yourself! And taking on everyone else’s issues and giving them MORE VALUE THAN YOUR OWN!! And that my fellow caregiver MUST STOP! For your own SURVIVAL! Dad gotta go where YOU SAY NOW, if he wants care from someone who gives a dam - tough cookies. You didnt plan, now I HAVE TO, WITHOT NOTICE OR WARNING. He will go where life is BETTER for YOU or the deal is OFF! You gotta go HARDCORE with people or THEY WILL KILL YOU WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. And no disrespect, but if you are white, they're men, and your people are the historical barbarians and tend to be cold and unkind in how you treat one another in general, so dont look for any REAL compassion from them. (Blacks operating like this are assimilated into this heathen behavior and go against their own godly nature - just TRUE, hard facts) We CANNOT KEEP LYING TO ONE ANOTHER, regurgitating the LIES of a wrong history. Truth prevails with me, and I wish not to offend, but you need TRUTH, REAL insight & help.

Follow @CaregiversInCrisis on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram if more crisis support needed!
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You can't be denied request unpaid Family Leave by your employer, nor can you be fired while you're on it.
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tinellers Jun 2020
I exhausted my 12 weeks of FMLA back in December and am no longer eligible until I work a certain number of hours, so they can definitely deny me leave or let me go unfortunately.
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* Get into therapy, even if short term.
* Learn ways to meditate, relax (less stress which is potentially serious)
* Get a good elder estate attorney if you don't already have one.

* Take care of yourself.
* Ask yourself what you are ready and willing to do to turn this around. This is your life.
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Many good recommendations here. As far as getting paid for caregiving, can one get paid for working if also on disability? Perhaps this won't be a problem if it takes a while to get payment set up.
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Your husband is controlling, selfish and not at all supportive. How in the world are you living with such a person who is emotionally abusive. I would say go ahead and pack my bags, I will see you in court!! Stick up for yourself and do not take his abuse!!!!!!!!! Life is too short for that crap. Wow, you have enough stress without husband adding to it. Feel sad for your reptiles. Shows just what kind of person your husband is all about.
You need to set limits with your father. He is fortunate to have caring children who want the best for him. I would explain to him, home with caregivers, and assistance from family, or a facility, plain and simple You need to have a plan in place. I would hire a caregiver, aunt and family to help, brother needs to pitch in, it easy for family members to dictate what to do, but do not lift a finger in the process. Maybe one person does the night shift, the other day shift. Have a family meeting and be calm and productive. Have not read all the posts from others, but you will get some great advice on this forum. Hope your dad continues to heal and everything settles down for all of you.
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I agree with Tenajh here that you have answered your questions. You want to go home. Stay with friends until you can get an apartment. Yes get a good lawyer to help you with your husband. Why not hire aunt to oversee care AND agency caregivers. It is Dad’s choice to not move closer so make this work for him and for you. But do talk about setting up a POA perhaps naming you and your brother in case you need to step in later.
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First of all, I'm glad you're here. As you may have already recognized, there are lots of kind, caring folks on this forum.

You've received lots of good suggestions here about possible action steps. I'd just like to suggest that you take a little time to nurture yourself. Perhaps take a deep breath and reflect on what an amazing person you are - I see an intelligent, resilient woman who is compassionate, thoughtful and generous.

As for how to set boundaries? Start with becoming clear on what your priorities are. Figure out what you need, not what others want. Do this by journaling, making lists, visualizing, whatever method you choose. Without being clear on your priorities, it's difficult to set good boundaries. You are then more likely to give in to what others want.

Being a family caregiver can be overwhelming, even when things are not complicated, as in your situation. It sounds like you've become isolated from emotional support and that's not good. Time to reach out to a few friends, if only to hear a friendly voice, to talk to someone who cares about you and doesn't want anything from you.

Wishing you all the best.
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