In a nutshell, FIL went into assisted living 4 months ago following a car accident. He was at fault, and we all had him convinced not to drive anymore. MIL was already in the memory care side for about 2 years.
Since being in there he is increasingly agitated and angry. He yells at staff sometimes even using racial slurs. He has told the Executive Director that she doesn't know how to run the place. He has basically gotten into it with everyone there.
He also yells at us and his other son and daughter in law. The other day he angrily hung up on his only grandchild. We are really unsure what to do with him. No one has POA for him he is considered independent. At this point sending him back to his home seems the best option, but that reopens the driving issue.
My biggest concern is that he will want to move MIL too. She is in no condition to be moved. Guess I am just venting, there really is no question. He has to get out of there before all the staff walks out.
He is 87 and basically deaf. He refuses to do anything about his hearing and I feel this contributes to a lot of misunderstanding on his part. Oh and his home state just renewed his driver's license and the state where the accident happened gave him NO ticket or fine.
What are we to do?
A meeting was held today with the Executive Director, his 2 sons and him, it has been decided he will leave and go back to his home. I feel that the letter to DMV is the only recourse I have at this point.
The POA for his wife is set up as him first, followed by my husband, then my brother in law. The facility has been very accepting of my husband as POA for her.
So far FIL has not said MIL needs to leave too. I think he knows he is incapable of providing the extensive care she would need. Thank you for your response.
To give your question context we need to know if your FIL has a PoA. If so, then this person needs to read the document to see when the authority is activated. Usually it requires a medical diagnosis of dementia. The PoA will need to work to get this done. Then FIL needs to probably be assessed for meds to address his agitation, not only for the facility but for his own well-being.
You can anonymously report him as an impaired driver on his state's DMV website. I did this for 4 seniors in my family. If you can provide a medical letter of his cognitive impairment, all the better. They will send a snail mail letter informing him he has to appear for retesting. No one is to take him to this appointment. If he doesn't show the his license will be ended. The car should be removed completely.
At 87 and with probable dementia, I would have very low expectations for getting him hearing aids. I was literally just at an appointment yesterday with my 92-yr old mom who tested with severe hearing loss in the mid and high ranges in both ears. It was a poop show with her saying she didn't think she needed them. No amount of logic and reasoning worked. We went in circles. I was a little shocked as she seemed accepting up to the point of them being a reality. The window of opportunity closes once they start with mild dementia. Learning new things and adjusting to change becomes a mountain to them.
Also, my elderly uncle should have been prevented from driving by his family but then ran a light and was t-boned by innocent people and it killed his wife of 60+ years, a cancer survivor. Thankfully no one in the other car was seriously injured. Please stop him from driving if he is impaired and prone to raging.
If FIL was at fault for the recent car accident, why did he get no ticket or fine? If he leaves the ALF and goes back home, you may have to disable his car and take the keys away entirely to prevent him from driving, if you feel he's a hazard on the road. That's one of the worst things about the DMV and the authorities; that they allow elders to keep driving when they clearly aren't able to anymore b/c they have 'rights', until they wind up killing some innocent people; what about THEIR 'rights'? Ugh, I can go on all day about that subject. I was lucky that my father willing gave UP his license after he had 3 very minor fender benders and said NO MORE DRIVING FOR ME, thank God.
If FIL wants to bring your MIL home WITH him from Memory Care, that's a very bad idea. Someone MUST have POA for her, who is that person? Hopefully it's not HIM. If it is, he can indeed take her out of MC and back home with him, unfortunately. BUT, if you get him cognitively evaluated, THEN you may be able to prevent him from taking MIL out of MC if that's what he wants to do. Go thru the steps, one at a time, to get your ducks lined up.
I'm sorry you're faced with such a thing; dealing with an out of control senior who's stubborn & acting out is really a tough situation. Best of luck.