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How did you give up your life? Does it mean that you moved into his dad's house and neither of you is employed? Evaluate the relationship you're in again. Maybe living in dad's house and being the caretaker in exchange for room and board is ok with boyfriend, but do you want more for your life?
Let's say his dad dies. What happens then? If there are other family members, there's a good chance the house is NOT going to the two of you...or you. You aren't married. After XX number of years not being employed and then trying to find jobs to pay all the house bills is going to be a struggle.
The advice here is - if you're not happy, get employed and get your own place. It's great to help take care of someone who needs help, but you need to look further ahead than 'while his dad is alive'. If you did get married and/or have a child, how is that child going to fit into the scheme of things?
You're already miserable or you wouldn't have posted this. The only thing worse than being miserable is being miserable today and one day longer.
Let me guess...at first you believed it was the compassionate and right thing to do, because nobody else was there to do it? At the same time FIL made it seem that if you took care of him, he'd be fair and take care of you? Except, it was a trap. As a caregiver, particularly of a person who is abusive and narcissistic, the exchange rate is never on par and is certainly almost never going to yield any real rewards; happy healthy relationship(s), fair monetary benefit, etc. Because lying is as easy as breathing is for them, you probably have already learned FIL can't be trusted to do the right thing. Instead bullying you, while being a bottomless pit, will end in health and major stress problem for you both. It sounds like you believe you are 'at his mercy' because you live there. But if you or your BF have the ability to earn an outside income, and you've tried everything, i.e., using healthy boundaries and being consistent with them, and also have had access to some respite care and it's still not working, it's time to consider taking back your own lives. If your BF can't leave right now, perhaps you can make plans to start a search for work and living arrangements and when that's established, then he'll have the courage to leave when the time is right. At that point, getting a part or full time caregiver or assistant living arrangement can take your places. If he can't afford either, then moving out and then checking in with him throughout the week instead of actually living with him could be an option.
Since you see this situation as abusive, please move out of his home. Get your lives into a better place. If he has dementia or other serious health issues, he may need to be cared for by professionals in a residential setting.
witchcraft1967: There is no FIL involved in this post. There is your boyfriend and his father. If you don't care to put up with the abuse, change your living dynamic.
That is tough and a delicate situation. Perhaps talk to a Counselor or Social worker for the Elderly who may be able to help but when there is abuse it is difficult to trust anyone who is from the outside to assist since they may react differently instead of being helpful. Anger in Elderly is associated with Dementia or mental decline so getting your FIL diagnosed would be helpful to you all. Good Luck and hope this helps. I have gone through similar and it just became too toxic and at times dangerous to deal with. You need to live apart from your FIL to stay sane and healthy because the abuse will continue. At that age, that is who the person is.
Lord, you both learned too late - never do what you did. Once this happens, you are subject to all kinds of abuse. Never ever, no matter who or why, let anyone abuse you verbally or otherwise. Talk to them, talk with the doctors, do whatever you can to stop it but if it continues, and I suspect it will, grow up - accept you made a horrible mistake and now find a way to leave and find your own place. His behavior is causing him problems so let him lie in the bed he made. Find caretakers or place him or walk away DO NOT STAY in this environment - never.
No way I’d tolerate or stick around for abuse. And no one should give up their life. Move out, report him to Adult Protective Services if you feel it’s needed, and reclaim your life. Please know this man isn’t changing unless it’s to worsen
It's never a good idea to be at the mercy of an abusive person. Can you have a talk with him about how you would like to be treated in a respectful manner? I agree with another response that it might be time to reevaluate how you want to be living your life. Your boyfriend's responsibilty is to make sure that his father is cared for in a safe way and with dignity, but it doesn't have to be him (and you) that does it. The two basic options are in-home care, or his moving to an assisted living facility. In-home care can be aides that you help him hire, if you find that you are not able to do it. If the abusiveness is something new, your boyfriend, who I assume is his POA, might want to discuss it with his father's doctor.
Are you going along with this arrangement b/c you will lose your boyfriend if you leave? Or are you and your boyfriend doing this for a free place to live? Does your boyfriend resent this arrangement as much as you do?
Evaluate your priorities. You can leave if you dislike the situation.
Do discuss this with him. Even if you decide to leave, he should have a chance to be aware of how his behavior affects his care. If this makes it worse, it strengthens your decision to leave. If not, you can reconsider and allow the new caregivers and him to benefit from the change. And discussing it be as calm and matter-of-fact as possible. He probably responds emotionally to higher levels of tension.
‘I am at the mercy of my boyfriend’s father’ ???? Of course you aren’t! 'We gave up our life'??? Don't be silly. You are both still alive, with adult choices.
Yes, as the late great Ann Landers used to counsel: nobody takes advantage of you without your permission; in other words, if you 'gave up our life' then Take It Back. Get a backbone and disengage with tough love; make sure BF ensures his dad's safety and insist on a healthier living arrangement for all. Drowning people often drown those trying to 'rescue' them, and 'rescuing' can even become an excuse to not face one's own challenges. Stay strong, get creative, find a better way...
Yes he is not your FIL. You can leave the situation at any time. His son "gave up his life" not you.
Yes, I would wonder if Dementia is in the picture. Does BF have POAs for financial and Medical? If not, and his Dad is competent he should have Dad assign him.
FIL? Whose FIL? You have to be married to have a father-in-LAW. If your guy is just a boyfriend, then it's your BF's dad who is nothing to you legally.
If your BFF came to you and said she met a (wonderful, nice, handsome, mr. perfect, etc.) guy who told her, "Please give up your life and move into my dad's house and take care of him with me indefinitely. And btw, he's an abusive guy so expect abusive treatment."
What's your advice to your BFF? Then, take your own advice.
Dear sweet grrl…..you owe your BF or his dad nothing. If your BF thinks it’s ok for you to be abused, whether by words or actions, then he too has a problem. Honestly, I would have a heart to heart talk wth your BF and tell him you don’t deserve or cannot tolerate the abuse his dad doles out. I wld find my own place to live and make my life a happy one. You owe it to YOU!!! Many blessings to you and much self-love…,,,Liz
So you made a deal of sorts & stepped in to provide care for housing? Lived experience can certainly differ from the idea of it. That's happens.
Call it *a trial*. Time to re-assess.
Should you be putting up with abuse? No.
On the flip side: Is FIL getting the care he needs?
Did he ask you to move in? My MIL asked for a little help preparing a meal: 'a little help'. What she received was having the task taken over by well-meaning but bossy family members. Sparks fly!
Asking someone to move in to help & the reality of others in your home running the show are worlds apart. FIL may be as unhappy with the new dynamic as you.
So if you don't like the plan as it is - change it.
It may need a few small changes, like adding appropriate services (don't know FIL's health needs: physical/mental/emotional).
Or maybe a whole new plan is needed. One where you reverse your decision & move out.
I'd vote for option 2. (I want to live my own live under my own roof).
Nonetheless, you have to decide on the level of abusive that is acceptable. Does he have dementia? If so, he may need some meds to calm him down.
Even if you are taking care of him and moved in with him it does NOT mean you are at his mercy and that he can do anything to you that he wants. You still have rights as a human being and you need to draw some firm boundaries and get him the help he needs so that he it not abusive anymore.
If he has dementia and is being rude and accusing you of things like stealing, well, sorry, that's a sad yet very common path many dementia cases take.
I think the OP doesn't understand fully how to do a query on the site. The first "title" of question often is all we get. I believe the last word is "care", but without further information we are kind of unable to make suggestions. If the poster will come back and further update us here by responding to their original question with more answers it would help us. Margaret has already asked the important questions.
You guys moved in with him over a car? A (used but late model functional) car is about $20,000 whereas 24/7 in home starts at $170K. Oh, and the "free" house? Girl, even in the uber-expensive SF Bay Area you can find rooms for max $1,500, and that's without you having to 24/7 the person.
It's not a savings. It's him seeing things for free. If this is your BF's idea of putting a roof over your head, then just leave.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Let's say his dad dies. What happens then? If there are other family members, there's a good chance the house is NOT going to the two of you...or you. You aren't married. After XX number of years not being employed and then trying to find jobs to pay all the house bills is going to be a struggle.
The advice here is - if you're not happy, get employed and get your own place. It's great to help take care of someone who needs help, but you need to look further ahead than 'while his dad is alive'. If you did get married and/or have a child, how is that child going to fit into the scheme of things?
You're already miserable or you wouldn't have posted this. The only thing worse than being miserable is being miserable today and one day longer.
It sounds like you believe you are 'at his mercy' because you live there. But if you or your BF have the ability to earn an outside income, and you've tried everything, i.e., using healthy boundaries and being consistent with them, and also have had access to some respite care and it's still not working, it's time to consider taking back your own lives. If your BF can't leave right now, perhaps you can make plans to start a search for work and living arrangements and when that's established, then he'll have the courage to leave when the time is right. At that point, getting a part or full time caregiver or assistant living arrangement can take your places. If he can't afford either, then moving out and then checking in with him throughout the week instead of actually living with him could be an option.
Evaluate your priorities. You can leave if you dislike the situation.
Drowning people often drown those trying to 'rescue' them, and 'rescuing' can even become an excuse to not face one's own challenges. Stay strong, get creative, find a better way...
Your boyfriend's father is not your FiL btw.
Yes, I would wonder if Dementia is in the picture. Does BF have POAs for financial and Medical? If not, and his Dad is competent he should have Dad assign him.
If your BFF came to you and said she met a (wonderful, nice, handsome, mr. perfect, etc.) guy who told her, "Please give up your life and move into my dad's house and take care of him with me indefinitely. And btw, he's an abusive guy so expect abusive treatment."
What's your advice to your BFF? Then, take your own advice.
Call it *a trial*. Time to re-assess.
Should you be putting up with abuse? No.
On the flip side: Is FIL getting the care he needs?
Did he ask you to move in? My MIL asked for a little help preparing a meal: 'a little help'. What she received was having the task taken over by well-meaning but bossy family members. Sparks fly!
Asking someone to move in to help & the reality of others in your home running the show are worlds apart. FIL may be as unhappy with the new dynamic as you.
So if you don't like the plan as it is - change it.
It may need a few small changes, like adding appropriate services (don't know FIL's health needs: physical/mental/emotional).
Or maybe a whole new plan is needed. One where you reverse your decision & move out.
I'd vote for option 2.
(I want to live my own live under my own roof).
Nonetheless, you have to decide on the level of abusive that is acceptable. Does he have dementia? If so, he may need some meds to calm him down.
Even if you are taking care of him and moved in with him it does NOT mean you are at his mercy and that he can do anything to you that he wants. You still have rights as a human being and you need to draw some firm boundaries and get him the help he needs so that he it not abusive anymore.
If he has dementia and is being rude and accusing you of things like stealing, well, sorry, that's a sad yet very common path many dementia cases take.
If the poster will come back and further update us here by responding to their original question with more answers it would help us. Margaret has already asked the important questions.
You guys moved in with him over a car? A (used but late model functional) car is about $20,000 whereas 24/7 in home starts at $170K. Oh, and the "free" house? Girl, even in the uber-expensive SF Bay Area you can find rooms for max $1,500, and that's without you having to 24/7 the person.
It's not a savings. It's him seeing things for free. If this is your BF's idea of putting a roof over your head, then just leave.
Can you move out again? If not, why not?