This is my first post but I have been a long time lurker and the answers on this forum have really helped me. I am the sole caregiver for my 80 year old mother who has had a host of health problems since 2020. I moved from another state to help her, and in the last year she has had an increase in chronic health issues (diverticulitis, ischemic colitis, kidney disease) Her last bout of ischemic colitis landed her in the ER, then rehab, then BACK to the ER because she picked up an infection in rehab. She is now in the hospital fighting a severe blood infection, and they plan to send her to a rehab again once (if) the infection clears.
I have lived out of state for many years but always came back when my mom needed me and would stay for months at a time. She now lives in an independent living building that she loves, but she has been so sick she's needed my help. I was only planning to stay with her for 6 months or so, but it has turned into two years, and I only make it back to my home every once in a while. I work remotely, so that part is easy, and I don't mind helping my mom for the most part.
However, with her illnesses becoming pretty extreme, I am starting to get very burned out, and I think my mom may have to move into assisted living.
I have a sister who is perfectly capable of helping and she just won't. She says it's because she is in school (two days a week and she can switch to online if necessary), she also blames it on a fight she had with my mom over 10 years ago and says my mom doesn't want her here (which is also just an excuse because they talk on the phone almost every day).
She also told me I should ask my mom to pay me to help her instead of moving her into assisted living. But what she doesn't realize because she is never here, is that my mom is so weak she has trouble walking and she truly may not be able to live on her own (and may need a nurse, which I am not)
Whenever my mom gets sick, which has been a lot lately, my sister will call me and bark orders at me over the phone, telling me to do this, do that, etc. But when I beg her to fly out and help me, she has a million excuses and just won't come. Our dad died many years ago, so it's basically been just me and my mom (and my absent sister).
Today, I finally got mad and basically told her I have been doing everything for my mom for the last two years and she has done nothing. I really am not exaggerating, I do laundry, shopping, back and forth to Dr appointments, take the bus every day back and forth to her rehab and/or the hospital, the list goes on and on. I also have to find time to do my remote job, it's fairly flexible so I am usually up all night finishing my assignments after my mom goes to sleep.
I think I shocked her because I rarely blow up, but I am getting so I can't handle much more. My mom is seriously chronically ill, and I'm burning the candle at both ends. By the end of the conversation, my sister had turned everything around and guilt tripped me for even asking for help. The conversation ended with me basically feeling like I did something wrong, and how dare I get mad or expect her to contribute.
Now I am sitting here letting the guilt wash over me, when I know I am in the right. Has anyone experienced anything similar to this, with an aging parent or family member not helping? Thanks.
You should have ZERO guilt for all you are doing for Mom. You didn't cause her to get old and sick. You spend plenty of time with her. All of us will get old and die, this is a simple fact. There's nothing to stop it.
Your sister is a selfish manipulator, I wouldn't tell her anything about moving Mom somewhere. Your current situation is stressful and can't continue at this rate. Your sister has no intention of helping, so make sure you mention that. Sister is probably waiting for some type of inheritance.
Start looking for nice places to move your Mom. Assisted Living means no shopping, cooking, cleaning or laundry. They have activities and people around the same age. It's not a prison, like your lazy sister will claim.
Good luck in finding a great place. You got this!!
The real issue is to work out what happens next for Mum. Her “illnesses are becoming pretty extreme”, “she has been so sick” that she needs your live-in help, you are burned out, and you need to go home. Perhaps AL is the next step for M, but you need to check if AL can handle her level of care. Start the process, with or without support from Sis.
You have been very generous with your time, but you need your own life, either back in your own home, or relocating there in town, but with your own home of your own choosing, and with a social life, enjoying visits with your mother instead of being stressed and exhausted. I assume you're taking the bus because your car is back at your own home? And you've been paying for a home that you're not even living in? Again, very generous of you, but not at all fair of your mom to expect this.
I hope you can come up for air soon. You need rest! You need sleep! You need regular work hours, not working all night while your mother sleeps and you don't! I know this is all easier said than done, but seriously, reclaim your life. Let us know how everything goes.
If you start burning out, and that sounds like you are starting to burn out now, then you put your own health at risk. If there is a different option, you should take it. I'm not saying abandon her, I'm just saying that you're probably doing too many things right now, many of which can be done by a facility. That would leave you free to work and get rested and when you visit mom, you will be able to enjoy her company and not worry about running for prescriptions or cleaning her up or any of the numerous things you're doing every day.
It starts out kind of small, but then the tasks become greater and greater, in terms of both duration and frequency, which is not sustainable in the long run. You've been going for 2 years while working, and that's just a lot. If it was a few months, ok, 2 years and you are hitting a wall. Yes it would be so much more helpful if your sister would help, but you have to just come to terms with that not being an option now or maybe ever.
Trust me, I went through this with my mom and a lot of my family, including some of them who mom helped a lot in life, they were in a position to help us as far as money goes but they did not. I didn't beg them, and when I realized these were my options and they didn't include the relatives, I was angry for a while but it made the decisions I made daily a lot easier. I wasn't expecting anything from them. I guess that's good because they weren't giving anything to us in any way.
It does feel crappy though.
You need to realize that you and your sister have made a choice it is just not the same choice. Each person is within their rights to make their choice. Not everyone will be in agreement or make the same choice and that is completely fine.
My advice is to figure out what help you do need with day to day issues you are responsible for with your mother. Then seek a professional to help with the tasks like laundry, shopping, maybe seek a geriatric manager for assistance with doctor appointments. Have you and your mother consulted with an eldercare attorney to secure POA, Living Will and MOLST. Those steps will alleviate some of the stress and you will be able to focus on your mothers next steps into assisted living.
It is up to you now to come to terms with her choice and move forward in the best interest of you, your health (mental and physcial) and also your mother best interest regarding the next step of the journey.
You need to relinquish resentment you have with your sister and accept the fact that she is not going to provide hands on care. Yes, you are overwhelmed and also need to relinquish some of the responsibilities you do for your mother because it is affecting your health. Seeking therapy to work with coping with the grief of your mothers declining health will be beneficial.
Wishing you peace and strength during this challenging period.
Your sister isn’t going to help .
Your sister also doesn’t get to order you around .
You’ll have to tell Mom she needs more care now and can not stay in independent living.
This is a very common situation . Stop feeling guilty . Siblings have issues in these situations and emotions are high when you are burnt out . Just move forward with getting Mom situated in a new facility . But remember that sis can’t tell you what to do .
Use this quote , “ Mom needs more care than I am able to provide and will be going to a new facility for more care “.
is it takes 2 physicians to declare incompetence and she can act “normal” at dr office …. also i’m now told one of the drs has to be a neoropsyc dr (which has LONG waiting list!!! hope your mom is willing to go!!! unfortunately my mom is gonna probably have to fall and break a hip to get her out of her house🥲
You can not continue this. You are burned out. Your mother's needs are more than you (or your sister) can manage.
It is time for your mother to be in assisted living, if not a skilled nursing facility.
A skilled nursing facility will be like rehab, only long term.
She is chronically ill. She didn't plan this, and you can't fix it. She now requires the help of medically trained professionals.
Is it really worth the agitation? Don't pick up. Give her the information your chose to give her via texts.
Save your mental health. You don't owe your sister anything.
But the fact is, we don’t have to help out. We’re not obligated to in any way. We don’t owe them. And we don’t have to turn our lives upside down for them. You should consider putting her in a home and be done with her. I don’t understand lingering over a deflating balloon. Let it deflate.
Sorry and thanks for listening.
Your sister's helping or not helping is not part of the equation. There is no need for conversations with your sister. You need to make arrangements now for outside help or facility placement for your mother.
I don't think that many parents (of any age), when they are of sound mind, would WANT their child or children to give up their lives to become a care slave of some degree or another, unless that parent is a narcissist. I would never want my own children to give up their lives, health, financial security and mental health to become a caregiver for me or my husband.
I truly believe that people who do not plan for this inevitability are either ignorant or selfish. My own mom would refuse to discuss these topics and when dementia hit, we were all forced into action instead of having a viable plan to follow due to deep denial.
If it’s like my situation was, it may be a narcissistic parent, that a child placed in the golden child role, feels the parent deserves every bit of love and care they can get. Then, there’s the scapegoat, that the golden child often isn’t aware of, that the parent treats like dirt. You may not be aware of these terms, if you’re not familiar with the topic of narcissism. Don’t feel bad. Most aren’t. Took me time to educate myself. In these circumstances, it is mostly the fault of the parent, who has long mistreated one or actually both children and may have triangulated them, as well.
In your situation and from your POV, you may feel, “How could your sister not do everything possible, for your mother. Give up everything she’s built and move back home, stop work, give up livelihood, healthcare, her own retirement, for mom. At minimum, she may not see that as you mathing correctly and isn’t going to destroy her life. She may question whether there will actually be shared responsibilities, if she were to do all of that.
And note that, even if she did all you are doing. Once she enters the picture, decisions are shared, as well. You may feel things are done a certain way, she may have a better way and you may not agree with that. There may be disagreements on living accommodations, care, money.
Some decide to move their parent into a facility of some sort or some parents can become a ward of the state, in some jurisdictions, with all of their assets being seized by the state, which means you will inherit nothing, if that’s what you have in mind. But, some have to make the decision as to whether they want to hold onto inheritance or to die, in short order. Because many caregivers actually die, before those they care for, because the work is so taxing. While there are many people who are quite proud they never let their parent enter a nursing home and gave up their own lives, to provide care, there are also many who outlive caregiving, but become regretful and angry over what little life they have afterwards and they often find themselves at a point in life, where they will never recover.
So, it’s important to understand there might be another side to this story. It is an emotionally-charged subject, likely for both of you, even though she’s not physically and geographically there.
One of the biggest factors I've seen in dealing with aging parents is the lack of ability to communicate clearly and in a kind way. Looking at your own feelings that your sister created probably has a long history of your relationship to her. What can you do about her problem? Take care of yourself. Guilt is made to punish yourself and not the right way to treat yourself in a God honoring and healthy way. Look at what is the truth? You said it "I know I am in the right". Letting someone else attack you drains you emotionally. I agree boundaries with your sister needs to be set. Do you have a therapist or wise friend who can help you set appropriate ones?
Also with your Mom it's hard as a daughter again after your relationship with her has had many years of ups and downs. Can you communicate clearly and well with your mother? Maybe a mediator would work?
I've used Aging and Disability going there with my mom. Maybe that would be a place to start.
It's hard but you can do it !
Putting your mom in an ALF means you love her and want the best care possible. There is absolutely a tradeoff, but your sister has abdicated her opportunity to weigh in if she doesn't participate in the caregiving. In my family, I was the ALF holdout. There have definitely been some tradeoffs but I am so glad my mom is there now, and she is pretty happy overall.
your sister is well aware of the sacrifices of looking after an elderly and sick person and she’s not willing to make that sacrifice. Accept it.
is it wrong ? Some arguments no- your sister deserves a life as well
we could debate this forever and get nowhere - it’s neither wrong nor right.
so look at solutions.
your mother sounds like she needs to be in a care facility full time
you can visit and call - maybe even video call
you also deserve a life and have made some huge personal sacrifices
so get that care arranged so that your mother is safe and looked after
options- can a care place nearer to you work so that you can visit easier and have a life ?
time to concentrate on solutions and forget what your sister should or shouldn’t do
best wishes
As for your sister, Sounds like your Mom can make her our decisions, so if you have not already done so, get your Mom to make you the POA for Medical and Finances if need be, and then your sister has no say so. That is what I did when my brothers told me they could not help because they lived in another state and were too busy with their lives & families. For my peace of mind, I know they had no right to make me feel guilty. This should work for you with your busy sister. If your sister doesn't like you being your Mom's POA, because you are doing the best thing for your Mom and yourself. Then she needs to make the time to come handle things too.
If you're not willing to put a parent in assisted living, then you *do* have an obligation to help. You don't just get to expect your sibling will execute your wishes. That's why Amy is reacting so negatively when people try to defend the sister.