Can I force my father into an Alzheimer’s care home without his consent?

igloo572. The other side of the coin is the kids that didn't get to do all they wanted as teens, choose this time to settle the score. You were able to protect against VD and unwanted pregnancy so now they are going to getcha because they couldn't participate in the love-ins of the 70's .Many tactics are used like turn one parent against the other. See your elder law attorney and he can keep the little turds at bay with a power of attorney for each. Our attorney said this is a very common occurance. Look at Warren Buffet and George Soros each 85.

Don't let them do it to you. See your Lawyer and fight the little merds.

John Paul Hundley

I feel a "soapbox moment" coming on!
The problem (for us caregivers) is that the demented still have their "rights". I really don't understand HOW that can be. They have lost the reasoning power they once had. I agree, there are some families that are just out for the demented person's money. There should be accountability for that. But, for the other 98% of us, just trying to protect our loved ones from harm, the law makes it impossible to assist your demented family member. I took my mother, while she still had some memory left, to get Power of Attorney. I really had to talk her into it. I also had her add me on to her savings and checking account, albeit through some fancy explaining on my part. For some reason, she was very suspicious of me handling her affairs. I'm her only child and she has no one else.

It took my mother's primary doctor and a geriatric neurologist to declare her incompetent to handle her financial and medical decisions. They wrote the letter stating that I would be her decision maker, due to her disability. She was not bathing, was hiding bills in the sofa, was taking other people's medications. It was time to get her out of the senior apt. complex where she lived alone. Since neither she nor I could afford the cost of memory care in the U.S. (starting at $3,300./month), I was forced to explore non- conventional alternatives. I found a great little homey place in Rosarito, Mexico for $1,310./month with U.S. standards of care and an English speaking staff. It has worked out well.

It is sad that there has to be such a struggle to properly tend to a person who can no longer help themselves. If you can, try to;
1. Get your parent to sign you on as Power of Attorney. Explain it's for when they can no longer make their own decisions or state their desires. They should have a will or trust drawn up also. You can have it done by an elder attorney through your local senior center for a small donation. (we paid $20.)
2. Have them sign you on their bank accounts, for when they can no longer manage their accounts. Explain that you would have no way to pay for things in their estate and they could loose their home, etc. if they were in the hospital for a lengthy illness.

She was VERY distrustful of me, so I had to disguise our trip as though we were going to the doctor. We drove across the border (She didn't realize it.) and I told her the doctor had moved and he was here now. I also had slipped an anti-anxiety medication, ordered routinely by her doctor, into her morning meds. By the early afternoon, she was very relaxed. She actually fell asleep after lunch. I stayed the night with her and then slipped out after breakfast. Was that a "nice" way to do it, heck NO! But it was the ONLY way to do it! Did I move her against her will? Yes. Is she mentally responsible? No. I did what had to be done, with a very heavy heart. We see her once a week and she is doing well and is well taken care of.

I just don't understand why the courts seem to "fight" us, (the families) trying to do the best thing for our loved ones. My mother had started wandering. What am I supposed to do, wait until she gets hit by a car at 2 am and then tell the court she qualifies for dementia care? Phooey, let THEM come take care of the demented and we'll see how quickly those damn "rights" go down the drain. God help all of us who are trying to keep our demented loved ones safe.

Kumoboy, I'm sure there's more to this story than what you've written. Did your wife CAUSE the accident? Does she exhibit signs of dementia? If so, the police have the right to arrest her, (yeah, believe it?) and place her in a psychiatric facility on a hold (90 days, I think) for evaluation. I don't believe they can legally keep her against her/your will after that time. Please check with your police department about this. Oh, well, that was back in November of last year. Hopefully, by now, you've had resolution to our wife's placement.

My wife was taken because of an accident, without my consent, and placed in the Memory Care unit where we live. She cries all the time and wants to go home with me. What can I legally do?

I learned a lot and feel more at ease after reading the above answers on assisted living.

Jeanngibbs, great answer!

Heartborken, this is very, very sad. I don't blame you for feeling terrible seeing him there.

Here is what caused this placement: FT Dementia.

You did not cause it.
The son/guardian did not cause it.
The care facility did not cause it.
The dementia caused the need for this level of care.

In the US we have a very strong culture of "Can-Do." We strive for perfection, even while acknowledging we can't reach it. We still want to get as close as we can. We expect it of ourselves.

And then we feel guilty when we can't live up to our impossible expectations.

Please, forgive yourself for becoming older and finding it more difficult to provide the necessary care. You did your best, and for a long time. That is as close to perfect as it is going to get.

Not always, but in most cases of dementia the patient reaches a point where he or she cannot be cared for by a single person in a private home. Not Your Fault.

I hope you will continue to visit him, perhaps do some of the same activities that you did with him at home. Try to distract hime when the subject of "why am I here" comes up.

Dementia is a hideous, heart-breaking disease. But it is nobody's fault.

My companion of 12 years was just placed in a memory care unit (frontotemporal dementia which is different from Alzheimer's but still dementia). His guardian (son) arranged for it and the father has no clue why he is there, why he cannot go home, etc. I have visited twice and it feels as if it is killing ME to see him there. I have been his caregiver for several years, myself in my 80's, and it seems as if it was getting too much for me so his family stepped in. Now I am feeling so guilty that I may be the one who brought it about. Does anyone have any comments that might help me get through the heartbreak I am experiencing. He just wants to go home, does not understand why he is there. He was not taking care of himself (showering, getting his own meals, has already lost his driving privileges, etc). Help, please.

This just happened with my stepmom. Adult protective services was called after she got lost a couple times and neighbor called 911 because SM was having trouble breathing. It ended up she spent 5 months in the hospital because there was no one to assume guardianship, and she wasn't sick but couldn't be safely sent home. There was a trial and the County finally got guardianship of her and she was placed in a Nursing Home. They tried the Assisted Living wing first, because she can walk and loves to go around and visit with people but... she walks a little too much..tried to get out..so now is in the Nursing Home wing. Sometimes it's a long process, and staying home is usually the first choice, but 24hr care is sadly not an option with most people and safety is very important. God bless all of you caregivers out there.

Hopefully, will be admitted to a behavioral unit and stabilized on meds. Know that you are following your mom's expressed wishes by doing this!

Wow, it won't be long untill my daughter and I will be faced with the terrible hard decision . I do believe pray works and thank you, thank you. I can't tell you how important any support is at this moment!,

Keep smiling, my thoughts and prayersare with your mom and you!

I'm so sorry! This truly is heartbreaking. Do what you have to do. As you say, there is no time for slow transitions. Please check back with us when you can so we know how you're doing.
Carol

I've read these comments and I am faced with a life and death decision today. I have kept my 91 year old mother alone at her condo until I realized she can no longer live alone. I flew up from Florida to take her back for the winter. I am staying at my daughters house with her presently. But now things have escalated, Just being out of a familiar environment has caused her to flip out. The change has caused things to be difficult. She has her moments of being the sweetest little grandmother and then it happens, it's like a Dr Jeckle and Hyde. You see her become paranoid, accussatory, screaming and totally inconsolable. She yells " you're the one who is nuts! You are trying to make me believe that I am losing my mind"! What precipates this, is that she starts thinking and can't remember. For example, "Where is my purse? Someone stoled my jewelry, someone is messing with my pills. Someone turned the lights on when I was gone. I can't take this because I know I'm not crazy," She literally throws a high voltage fit. It is heart breaking to witness. She was a very intelligent woman in her day, a director of nursing. Her fears have become her reality. She took the time to think ahead many years ago and plan for this. She made up a trust and placed me as POA and her Medical advocate. I have to act on this now. There's no time for a gradual introduction to somewhere. She can't even adapt to her granddaughter's place. I can't take her back with me with the severity of her condition and she is a diabetic. So the plan is to meet for a psych evaluation today and if she refuses, we will have to take her to ER. Her family physician is aware and is fully cooperating with us. I know this is going to be a heart breaking transition.

Our father is 91 years old. He lives on his own, will not allow anybody to move in with him. The home is falling into disrepair as well as becoming very unhygienic - how do we get him to be assessed, he refuses to believe anything is wrong. He is also allowing unsavoury person to sleepover and be his driver.

Stockton, I think ba8alou has given you your options. First call APS, and if that isn't sufficient, pursue guardianship.

I believe you would need to go to court to pursue guardianship. I would start though, by calling adult protective services and reporting dad's unsafe living conditions. You might want to let the judge appoint a guardian, rather than taking this on yourself.

How to get dementia dad into a safer place against his will?

My father, a retired doctor still appears fully coherent fur short periods to outsiders, but can bareky remember hiw to change tihe TV channel. and nki knows his ither son deals Ice from the back yard in a bug way.

He has lost abilities and memory to dangerous levels He was not happy when my wife and I moved in after he said he greed as he tarted he t had 6 or r 12 months to live. .

It seemed a ni brainer we should be there. She sacrificed her dream job and we moved in solely ti help him as i hate the town

We claned and cleaned and repaired and tried to get him to eat and he hated it and 6 months later claims I was abusing him..
MY brother moved back took over the house and is selling hard drugs and trying ti pusj[h me out si he gets the okace when dad dies. He told people dad vcjanged the will.

I eventually called useless aratah cops several times so took out a orivate AVO against my brither onky tio keep myself and wife safe and after 6 minths if trying toi avoid iit with dad refysu=ing toi heklpo.

Now dad s fully in his side and evuctiung me ti live a u drug selling den .
How di i get into a home fir his safety?

Draw up a power of attorney!

iweins9, what does your mother want? You say he has never been a kind, loving, caring man and yet she has stayed with him for decades. She must see something worthwhile in the relationship. Has she asked for your help?

Would it help Mother to have in-home help, such as someone to bathe Father, housecleaning services, and Meals on Wheels?

Is Mother in favor of moving him to an appropriate care center? Let us know what your mother's attitudes are about this situation. Maybe someone here can then provide more specific help.

My father is 96. My mother is 86. She is doing most of the caretaking for him. He is not a kind, loving, caring man and never was. Now his anger and dimented behavior is taking a toll on my mother. His mind is gone but his body is still strong as an ox. He might live on a good while longer making long term assisted living or nursing homes out of the question financially. Besides. he absolutely refuses to go! Any suggestions out there for my problem?

Take him to the Doctors. Discuss with the doctor because they can help the ball rolling and inform you. Tell him you are taking him for a check up...but get the doctor to evaluate him and talk to the doctor about the situation. Social services like Carol said is another route but if I were you I would take him to the doctor's first and then ask to speak with the doctor alone. After that I would then look up social services in your state and call to talk with someone to come out for a 'visit'.

Maremare, a little more information will result in better answers for you.

Who put this person into dementia care? Why? How long ago?

What is the evidence that this isn't the right place for this person?

Where do you think this person should be?

It is very good of you to be concerned and to want to help. Provide a few more details and perhaps someone here can give you some suggestions.

what can be done when sommeone was fraudulently put in a dementia unit that doesnt belong there.

Newtonjoyce is right on target. Very insightful information from experience.
Small simple choices go along way in the "moment" as that is what these people only have. I see the caregivers at my mom's Memory unit do exactly that. They are very experienced there.
Forcing a move is traumatic. When they put my mom into Memory it was horrible. It should of been transitioned slowly. Mom pulled the fire alarms 5 times, causing the fire department to come out 3 of those. I can't tell you the pain I still endure from this. But she has been failing so fast it is the best place. Just done harshly.
I am glad, Newtonjoyce, that you brought up the serious need for family to visit often. I have caught problems of every nature as many never have enough caretakers. It is easy to put off visiting for a week or two, but not a good idea. Caretakers at Mom's facility tell me many children live far away. Who watches over these people, I always wonder? As I said, I now have Hospice on board, I work closely with home health care nurses, and I keep a strong communication with the management and the caretakers, in house physical therapy and especially the Nurses! Even those who clean and cook. Every time my mom falls they call me with a report. If she is off to the ER I am immediately contacted and I meet her there.
Good places want you involved, want your feedback, questions, and ideas.

Is your father under a Dr's care? has he been diagnosed? If yes who is aiding in his treatment and appointments and daily routine? Who is in control of his health finance issues(POA)? These things are first steps. A Dr needs to find a need for this type of care and if you don't have legal ability to talk to Dr's you need to get that in order (POA). Before admitting into a facility you need to prove payment.

newtonjoyce what you say is very valid, but it doesn't seem to me to address the basic issue here. How do you arrange for a person with dementia to receive the care necessary for their well-being, even against their will? Sure, be nice to them. No one questions that. But tellings someone who has dementia and does not admit it that he can buy all new sheets! isn't likely to help him face the reality of his situation. I can't tell from your profile and I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your situation, but have you ever done caregiving for someone with dementia? Have you ever lived with someone with paranoia?

And, um, what is this about taking them there and never checking up on them? Is there any earthly clue that buggerman or igloo are talking about that? We really can't assume that everyone who needs to place their loved one in a long term care facility is just trying to get rid of them and won't continue to care for them. Yes, what you say about it is valid, but putting it in this thread seems a little out of place to me.

What I am suggesting is that you let them feel like they have a say, even dementia folks have in's and out's of memory. I think many are more aware than you think and maybe not in the way you say, but they know love/ appreciation/ and so on.

A gentle reminder here and there. I think there is room for kind persuasion. Just like a child, 'which shirt would you like to wear, this red one or this blue one'. If they feel like they have some control, life is better all around. I know it is not the answer for everyone but let's remember they have feelings too.

My grandmother was told by her daughters that she was moving out of her home and into a facility and she had a nervous break-down. All she really needed was somebody to check on her daily. They had already picked it out without her knowing. They were loving daughters, but after that I learned my lesson.

And....just because it is a facility doesn't mean you can take them there and never check up on them. I know of a woman living in an assisted living facility. She didn't show up for breakfast. The staff never checked on her to find out why. Her 2 children came by to visit that afternoon. She had fallen in her room several hours earlier. Terrible.

Another friend's mother is in another facility. The room is never really clean. My friend had to discuss this with the staff. Just be aware and if something is out of place, take it seriously.

Sorry this is so long.

Their shoes are highly unlikely to be our shoes IMO.

My experience is that trying to let them make the choices just doesn't work. I think it could when you are dealing with active, health and financially very well-off elderly in their 80's it can work. But there are very few of those out there. When you are dealing with those with dementia and other chronic illnesses who are aging, they have no reality of their cognitive state and what 2011 expenses and their fiances are, then there aren't alot of options out there.

Their safety,health and security should be what it is all about. If you have to forcibly make them move and legall can, then do it.

I agree with newtonjoyce above. Moving to another place will be hard for them. Many are thinking that this is the next step closer to death (I've heard that many times from those moving) and it is VERY scarey for them. When the decision is made to move, you can help make the transition a lot easier, by making it a "fun move". Get them new things - if possible take them to the store and let them pick things out that they would like to have. Keep them involved. As newtonjoyce says - new sheets, bedspread, new sweater or shirt that they can show off and wear at the new place (maybe a new shirt with pics of their grandchildren on it and it will help start a conversation with others), etc. Also make sure they have some of the old familiar favorites from their home - so they feel comfortable with familiar things around them also. Pictures of family members definitely. Remember this is a whole new adventure for them - have patience - all works out in the end.

I think we have to remember that they have feelings also. Being moved out of all you know and love is difficult for anyone no matter the age.

Are there things that would make it better? Picking out a new bedspread or sheets, taking favorite photos, assuring them their belongings will be safe and not thrown away.....just reassuring and also letting them help with decisions. I know that isn't always possible but to feel absolutely like they are loosing control is scary!

Put yourself 30 yrs down the road and what do you want....how do you want to be treated. I don't like it when my spouse tells me what to do! My kids?! I hope they are learning from my example with my dad.
Just some thoughts to put yourself in their shoes.
Just some thoughts.