My grandmother reached the point where she needed full care and is 100% dependent on others. She lived in Kentucky and my father and step mother decided to move her into their home in California because they felt guilty about putting her into a home. They own their own business and my wife and I both work for them because we are in school and they are flexible with our hours. They figured out they bit more off than they could chew by bringing her on. So they told my wife and I that we need to take care of her when we aren't at work because it is "our duty as family". And after saying no they threatened to fire us at our jobs. So we are forced to care for her. We literally spend every moment we arent at work caring for her. Wake her up, clean up her bed, carry her down stairs, feed her, physical therapy, speech therapy, bathroom trips, more sheet cleaning, throw up cleaning, medication, the whole 9 yards. Then we get to go into work. Then we go to school, then back to grandma. And after an entire day of this my wife and I get to have dinner and if we can manage it, stay up and watch tv for an hour then go to sleep. I am 23 by the way. My whole life revolves around this. I want my life back. My wife and I constantly fight about things. This whole situation is garbage. I was in the Army and nothing I put up with there compares to this madness. I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just want her to die so I can save my marriage and have my life back. I can not quit my job or risk being fired I need to pay the bills. And before anyone says it, I am not using my GI Bill I am saving it. I feel terrible but I literally see her and hope she doesnt wake up when I get her up in the morning. I hate my life right now. I put in my time for my country and was excited about getting out and moving on with my life. Now I wish I would have enlisted for another 4 years. Does anyone have any tips? Similar experiences? I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People have gave some good advice but I know its easier said thsn done getting a new job etc I do hope you get your freedom soon :-( we are going to tell my grandma she needs to go into a home we are all so drained
Okay, this is really rude and uncalled-for. There is no reason to think this poster would fall apart when faced with a real job - he's been in the military for heaven's sake! And I think most paid jobs are much easier and more rewarding than caregiving in general. Doing something you enjoy and that you're good at and that brings in a paycheck - all good! Exhausting unpaid personal care for someone you don't have a deep personal connection with - not good at all. I agree with cmagnum - many caregivers wish that the care recipient would die and it has nothing to do with age or maturity. There's no reason for such a snide response.
"I feel horrible for thinking this way but I just want her to die so I can save my marriage and have my life back."
He and his wife constantly argue and his time is all eaten up with work, school, and grandmother. What are his parents doing? I don't know, but it sounds like Jame's wife is picking up where James can't and she's not even being paid for taking care of his grandmother is that is in fact what she is doing.
Sounds like a very very difficult position... I would meet it with a well thought out plan. I will pray for you & your wife, that The Lord would give you wisdom on how to handle everything. I commend you for not running away. While you & your wife are caring for your grandmother, write down everything that is required for her care & her mental & physical ailments. I'm sure that she qualifies for care of some sort. Even though this is very difficult on you & your wife, I recognize you do not want to jeopardize your family relationship... Also very wise. Do not make hasty decisions based on emotions. Maybe you can initiate talking to your grandmother's doctor or someone in healthcare that can help you get the ball rolling on grandmother's care? She may qualify for a caregiver coming in x number of times weekly for x hours, which would lighten your load. A plan to care for her without you & your wife working with her all day- is possible. Then find and pray about a good opportunity to sit down and talk with your folks. If possible, iron it out & pursue peace. I know you've endured if you have been in the military & I thank you for your service to us!!!! Also thank you for caring for your grandmother- this work although thankless & difficult, is not in vain!! You will be blessed for it. His Blessings to you in this endeavor.
James - Are your parents using Grans $ to make ends meet? You say dad was struggling in their business, so is the ability to use grannie's dependable income a factor in their moving her from her old state to live with them? Could your parents decision to move her from Kentucky to California be less about love & compassion but more about income & assets? But they totally miscalculated the time & physical costs of care. So to make the equation now work, you parents need free caregiving by you & your wife.
I'm going to guess that parents probably have other issues - not current on taxes, not paying proper withholding to state & FICA; underinsured for their business & inventory; maxed out on some credit cards. Look about & listen about, are there past due invoices coming in & creditor calls happening? These are all red flags that there are bigger issues ahead beyond caregiving for grannie. Are you & your wife being properly paid your wages with FICA done? If not, then that too is a warning sign of bigger problems in the future.
I would suggest that you & your wife put on your best Hardy boys & Nancy Drew and try in the next month to find out just what the financial situation is. For grannie, she will be getting 2 documents from Social Security between December & January. 1 will be her award letter that states what she will received each month as SS income for 2015; the other will be the tax statement for what she was paid in 2014. These come in a trifold mailing - the kind that you tear off the sides & the top to open & NOT in a regular envelope. If grannie gets any type of federal, civil service or state retirement ( or her late husband did & she gets survivors benefit), those too will send out awards letters for 2015 & payment issued for 2014. If she has savings, it will be getting a tax form for interest paid and you can probably do a rough estimate of what the account has based on the interest paid. You & your wife want the hard data to confront your folks on your being paid for your caregiving from the $ that gran gets. It will be a confrontation & won't be pretty but you have to take a stand in this for you & your wifes behalf with documentation. at some point your wife's patience in all this will be gone and she may walk to save her sanity.
Do you have siblings? If so where are they in all this drama?
Also the whole fire you if you don't care for gran has EEOC violations. I'm guessing that dad views his business as not subject to rules since its family and privately held. Well he's wrong.
I tried to put myself in your wife's place. // "All I see is that my husband is putting his family first before me, before our marriage. To me, they will always come first. Yes, husband promises this or that. But I look at the over-all picture. And I don't see any ending soon. So, I become discontent. I'm not happy. I experienced what marriage was suppose to be - you work, come home, we snuggle afterwards, maybe eat out or go to a movie. Where's all this? Now, it's just work and grandmother." (Well, you know your wife, just replace some of my words with hers.)
Guilt and Obligation - is what your father is doing to you. Think about those 2 words carefully. HOW is your father playing on your guilt? On Obligation?
I know the family obligations of caregiving family - no matter what. Think very carefully of the now and of your future. I've been helping my dad caregive mom when I was age 24. That was 24 years ago. My dream was to move to the states and take long weekend holidays to travel all over Europe. I put that on hold - thinking that mom would not live too long. What little I knew about dementia. Mom passed away 2 years ago. Then dad got His Stroke. He's age 86 and he's still going strong. Now, I'm so torn at the moment of what I now want in life. I stayed on this low paying, no retirement plan job because of the work flexibility. When mom needed to go to the ER, I was able to drop everything and just go. So, James, please think very very carefullly on this. You and your wife will end up being the caregiver if another member needs caregiving. Because you both have experience, you're the children (that's why they have children- to take care of them in their old age - per my dad) and because it's family.
You and your wife needs to sit down and figure out the today and the tomorrow. Set goals. Goal 1 - strengthen your marriage. Goal 2 - find an alternative caregiver for Grandmother. Goal 3 - seek another job if parents won't compromise/cooperate. Goal 4.... Goal 5.....
What I don't agree about - or not necessarily, it depends on other factors - is that it is necessary or desirable for a 23 year old who, up until the grandmother's arrival, was both benefiting from and contributing to a successful, supportive family enterprise to jettison the lot, jeopardise his and his wife's relationship with his parents and head for the hills.
The parents have clearly made a serious miscalculation about what it would take to "save" Grandmother from a fate worse than death i.e. a nursing home. Their threat to make their children's employment retrospectively conditional on providing care was also badly misjudged and grossly unfair. But James and his wife are benefiting from housing, flexible employment and support to continue their studies, all without having to negotiate loans or deal with less sympathetic employers - they would be giving up important advantages if they were to cut and run.
More tentatively, but I think it's also worth pointing out that James's parents offered him and his wife a home, employment and support for their future. That offer was, presumably, accepted with both hands. I repeat that I disagree with their then demanding payback in the way that they seem to have done, but on the other hand you can see why they might feel that they are owed some kind of reciprocation. It's a question of what's reasonable, and what James and his wife can fairly be expected to contribute to the grandmother's care. Not their sanity, their young marriage, their future happiness, that's for sure - but maybe something. Why not negotiate?
I repeat, things can't continue as they are. But there could be other, better options besides a) stay and put up with it or b) get out of there now. So - I wouldn't be too hasty.
By being so dependent on your parents you have no choice in the matter. You initially said NO to being a caregiver; they made threats and here you are....still tied to the apron strings. Hard to believe you came out of the military so willing to become a child again! It could be a tough few years once you accept responsibility for your own future. But what a sense of accomplishment! Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage, happiness, independence and self esteem for a paycheck? Good luck. Being an adult is not always easy!
I am sorry - for you, please note - that you have these feelings about your grandmother. They are horrible feelings to have, especially in a decent person with a strong sense of duty, such as you. They do not make you evil: they reflect the stress you are under, that your poor grandmother is the innocent cause of.
Could you say a little more, please? I have some questions: how long has your family been dealing with this situation? How old is your grandmother? Are you and your wife living actually in your parents' house? How long have you been married? Were you together while you were serving? That's enough questions! - I'll wait to hear from you.