My mother-in-law is being forced upon me. No one in the family wants to deal with her because of her bad behavior. She is too much to handle. What can I do?

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My mother-in-law is being forced upon me. No one in the family wants to deal with her because of her bad behavior. She is too much to handle. What can I do?

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My mother in law is being forced upon me. My situation is this; no one in the family wants to deal with her first because she has violent tendancies, stubborn and always trying impose her will no matter what. She cries, screams and carries on like some one is doing something to her constantly. I have discussed this situation with my husband and to no avail. This has been an ongoing situation and getting worse. I can't not and will not take care of her due to my medical conditions. She has a person coming to take care of her from 7:00 to 3:00 but after she leaves I have to deal with her. She has dementia and has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and when my husband comes home from work he is too tired to deal with her. He justs falls asleep and when she starts acting up he ignores her. My mother in law is too much to handle she needs to be in a Nursing Home ASAP. What can I do?

Mental Health

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No one respects boundaries until you make them and enforce them. My husband and I came to an agreement after some intense marriage discussions. I am primary contact who is responsible for relationships and caregiving for my relatives; and he is primary contact/responsible for his relatives. We both have multiple family members and friends that are aging and have health challenges that we are trying to help and balance with our own family's needs. After years of my husband and I being expected to support and provide care for his parents from across the country at our expense both emotional and financial, his parents have now moved 60 miles away from our home without an explanation other than "wanting to be closer to their two 'boys' (both sons are in their 40's and we live about 70 miles apart from husband's brother and family) and their precious grandkids" . Now his mother has at least third stage parkinsons and has been on disability for over a decade, and his father is a stroke/prostate cancer survivor with COPD and former alcoholic). I told my husband that he understood our financial condition and my health conditions (2 time breast cancer survivor with primary caregiving responsibilities for our high-functioning autistic son while I an working part time as CPA). Note that his parents didn't mention me or the Sister-in-law as being in the emotional winner's circle. Any services my husband wants to provide them personally with his labor and attention or organize within these financial limits and his available time is fine with me. To enforce this, I have scheduled alternate activities and left my husband alone with his parents if I think his parents are pushing my boundaries, or walked away from a table full of people when his parents have been left by all blood relatives to sit with me so that I will entertain and fetch for them. His parents are both narcissistic, entitled people who did not treat me well over the years and will not change. I am polite, but I cannot take care of them and my own family responsibilities. My own health suffered when I spent years in past codependent relationships trying to fix and make other people happy who are only happy at the center of the psychic storm. Get your mother-in-law caregivers who will provide the service that will otherwise cost you your own health if you are not careful. You can help her get assistance, but your husband wants to rescue her then he will need to do more than tread water. Leaving your mother to cleave unto your wife isn't just words on a page. Honor and respect does not mean abuse and terrify. Help does not mean enable bad behavior.
Helen

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If your husband's family is like mine, they are very traditional and think that caregiving (of either parent) is "women's work." Therefore, your husband is going to be dimissive of your concerns because he may think that you are just "overreacting." Bottom line: she is his parent and he should be doing most of her care or arranging for it. There should also be a "rotation" of her care by the other sibs until you all can find a placement for her.
The poor woman is confused and out of control. She needs to live in a place where they understand her condition and can work to control her behavior. Your hub and his sibs need to grow up, face reality, and do the humane and loving thing for their mother....I'm just sayin'.....Lilli

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Here's another way to say what everyone else has already been saying: You're not being "forced" and you don't "have to." When you use that language you're avoiding the reality that you are making choices. So far, you've chosen to cave in and do what other people successfully refuse to do rather than bear the anxiety of refusing, too, yourself. The whole family dynamic has been, until now, based on how the different people in the group have handled responsibility and conflict. You being unwilling to rock the boat has been part of that dynamic, which has been basically pretty stable for some time. It's true that the others will have to "grow up" as someone said. But this is a growth moment for you too and if you don't make changes in how you handle this situation, nothing and nobody else will change either. So, how about this? Reframe this from just "What am I going to do about my mil?" to "How can I grow in the way I need to grow, to take more charge of the choices I'm making?" Transitions and growth are hard but long-term this could be a turning point in your life, for the better. Good luck.

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I agree with all of the above but mostly with liliput - she is your husband's responsibility, he is just wanting to shove it off on you (is it appropriate to say the apple did not fall far from the tree?) and he must be the one to take charge and come up with an alternative plan of some kind, it is not fair to you, like me, you did not sign on for that. Guard your space carefully, there are always those who will trespass on it or even steal it if you allow them to. Dig in your heels unless you are prepared to sacrifice a big chunk of the rest of your own life to someone who in reality you owe nothing but human compassion. Honor your parents, is says, but when a man takes a wife he is supposed to put her well-being first. Explore all possible avenues including if your community has a senior center - ours has been very helpful.

This may sound harsh, but 12 years ago if I had had a crystal ball that would tell me what my life would be like if I gave up my very satisfactory life in Cal. to move back here, I simply would not have had the guts to do it. After 2 weeks I was ready to throw the dog in the car and hi-tail it back, hang the furniture or whatever, just get me out of here! Do not allow yourself to be put in a box like I did to myself. You WILL resent him, her, and whomever. There, it is out.

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You would be doing both yourself and her a dis-service to create this disharmony in your home. When an elder has an episode of "Altered Mental Status" this is cause for concern and MAY (hint) require a trip to the ER. Say on a Friday at 12:01pm (right after the MDs office closes for the weekend) So having her well checked out, a urine culture run ( the A#1 cause of elderly women suddenly acting whacky is a UTI) it becomes busy in the ER and dear doctor might need to be encouraged to admit her as you are at a loss how to manage her (boo hoo may help here). Of course it's the weekend, so insist she stay in 3 midnights (fri,sat,sun nights) during which time the staff can document her behavior. The hospital has a legal responsibility to provide discharge planning. You must be clear to the Social Worker that you do not want or feel capable of providing her care! What do ya know! After a hospital stay of 3 midnights, Medicare will provide for 21 days of rehab in a nursing home at 100% paid, then another 79 days at 80% as long as she's able to make progress and participate. If she has no means to pay for the other 20% or inpatient care after the first 100 days, start the process for getting Medicaid through the hospital Social Worker (It gets expidited handling that way) If the Nursing home can't rehab her, they may have a "Memory Lane", or they must provide appropriate discharge planning. Even if she can behave in the hospital, having received all this personalized attention, her true colors are sure to show in the 100 days of rehab. Don't sign anything promising to pay! Wait out Medicaid. Even if she has $ coming in she can be put on a Medicaid "spend-down" which picks up where her income lets off, but only leaves her $30 or so a month to buy personal items. Good Luck!

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I agree with the previous people who answered you. Regardless of how "traditional" your husband's family's thinking may be, the problem belongs to HIS family, not to you. I was glad to read that you wrote you cannot (due to your own health problems) and will not continue to be responsible for your MIL's care in the latter part of each day. I am afraid this may come down to a stand-off in your marriage since your husband seems unable to see your point of view. Maybe it's time for a showdown? I hope your husband finally sides with you as this will force his family to "get real" instead of dumping everything in your lap. Please keep us all posted as to how the showdown goes.

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Amazing, I can sort of relate to this. My MIL was a wonderful lady. Became very ill with a neurological disease which killed her in about 9 months. However, her four children rallied around her and took over her care. Had it all scheduled out, who stayed with her, etc. Finally toward the end it got to be a bit much but no one wanted to hire help, couldn't find anyone "good enough" if you know what I mean. So finally my SIL calls me and suggest I quit my job and drive 100 miles to MIL house to help out on Wednesdays. I was helping pay for my twins college at that time. I just smiled. MIL left multimillion dollar estate and not one penny was spent on help. I wasn't about to let them do that to me. I liked MIL alot, but please.

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mymini,
Lets see if I got this right.... MIL is dumped on you and your hubby because no one wants her. Hubby is gone all day and when he gets home ignores the situation. You are basically her sole caregiver from 3PM till 7AM. From your comment it sounds as if no amount of "family meetings" is going to change their minds and magically come to your rescue (you've already rescued them!).You have a medical condition. Going out and getting a job or to be with friends is NOT going to wake him up- he will just wait for you to come home and the cycle will continue. You don't appear the type who is going to throw on your hat and coat to go out with friends (but give it a try)....something tells me that hubby will start coming home later and sabotage your plans.Since you allowed MIL in your home (I'm sure you had some strong words with hubby BEFORE she came into your home). Pick up the phone, call one of your relatives and go for a two week visit. If you can't stay with a relative or friend and if medically and financially able go for a two week trip (cruises are a good choice). Hubby will have to face the music and care for his mother or find some other way to do it. Once you get back either the realization of the care she needs will have him hiring someone in or moving her to a home or facility. Time away will give you both perspective and you will be in better mental and physical place to make a good decision on your future.

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Do you have children living in your home the same home with the violent MIL??? My thoughts are that is not appropriate. If she has violent tendencies and depression it sounds to me that she is also very unstable. I would strongly encourage you to place in an appropriate facility. Unless you have had training to deal with her mental health issues, I would say you are in over your head. You are not dealing with a simple situation I am aware of that however. You need to protect yourself and your children. Children should not be afraid to be at home. Take care

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Remeber that it is your house too and you should have a say in who lives there and who does not. I would not bring a person into my home with violent tendencies. I would consider them a danger to themselves and to others in the house. Your husband is putting his mother before you in a very passive aggressive manner. There is a book written about boundaries in marriage and he's broken some boundaries.

My mother-in-law is being forced upon me. No one in the family wants to deal with her because of her bad behavior. She is too much to handle. What can I do?

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