Formal funeral for criminal brother?

You tell him that you can afford for HIM to pay for creamation, and then maybe YOU will pay for him to be buried in the family plot. Of course you may have to pay for the creamation.. but at least he knows you are not his paycheck any more , as it sounds like you have all been for years. Don't mean to sound mean, but it sounds to me like you don't really want to be responsible for this . If you do, and I am wrong.. then you just go along with it and get it over with. But be prepared for all his and GFs junkie friends to mooch off of you and cause a scene at the funeral.

Well, I have the same... in the future anyway. One of my brothers is in prison and will not be out until 2027. My other brother is on assistance. I have insurance policies for both enough just to pay for what I think will be necessary.
Tell him you will "take care of it". Promise nothing. No point in arguing. Make no written contract.
Girl friend -- pay for what you can but if you want a major funeral/burial -- better get a job.
Do what you can. If its only what the state can do well that's it.
Can't get blood from a turnip.
hgnhgn

It doesn't matter what you tell him. When the time comes, he won't be around to check up. Just get through the next few months as peacefully as possible. You owe him nothing. Treat any porkies as a different version of the 'therapeutic lie' we all talk about.

Your brother lived his life by his choices.....so why should you and your families have to pay for his funeral? And he just may get a surprise about “ all the drugs” he thinks he will get in hospice. I worked in oncology and i lost a husband to pancreatic cancer.......hospice is a godsend, but for someone who has a drug problem, he may not get the relief he will so desperately need at the end because of his drug use .....does he think this is a joke?? I feel so bad for you and your siblings having to go thru this. Im sending healing blessings to yall and may you have peace in your hearts when this is over....

It seems clear that none of you wants to pay for the elaborate funeral he is planning. He can plan all he wants. The least expensive thing would be immediate cremation in alternative container. Go to a funeral home now to check it out. As next of kin, I believe you siblings would have legal say in the arrangements and girlfriend, not being a spouse, has no say at all. If girlfriend wants something different, and is paying for it, I'm sure you would agree to it. If she is not paying, why would she get a say? As to what you tell him, when he brings it up, nod and smile and change the subject. When the time comes, do what you feel is right.

Welp. This may sound harsh. But to heck with the girlfriend...get a job and get then have a say. So sorry, because some people have legitimate issues and need assistance. But if she's not one of those, then let that go. And, harsh again, but maybe tell him nothing. Just deal with this the best you can, and find peace with it. We all have choices to make and there are consequences to the decisions we make. If he is addicted to drugs, not that it's a choice actually, but getting help and changing the way they live is a choice, and maybe he chose not to change. I wish you well. You're in a tough situation.

I read the responses on this site from siblings about a drug addicted brother who is mom's favorite even though he has problems keeping a job , sister who was narcissistic but mom made her executor of the will anyway or a brother who borrowed $200,000 for a business venture that failed and on and on.
Your brother was just given a death sentence at the age of 55 and you sound like he should taken care of by the state! What is wrong with you people? You said that you and your other family members are doing good financially give the poor guy a decent burial. If the girlfriend's idea of a funeral includes a gold death mask or something over the top then of course draw the line. Considering she's the only one who actually cares about your brother she's probably devistated.
Here's a little clue about most drug addicts:. If there was a magic pill they could take that would cure them 97% of them would take it. I don't know why you feel the need to punish him even after he's dead but it's posts like yours that makes me glad I'm an only child.

This is a sad situation but I think you could tell him you'll have a send-off of some kind for him but that under the circumstances it's not going to be an expensive shin-dig. Tell him he's lost the right to be saying things like he won't hear of the state's cremating him or burying him. He lost the right to call the shots when he chose the life style he did.

Entitlement is a silly overused word I M O. Too many people, I don't care who you are, how you look, what you do, no one is really entitled to anything. But you reap what you sow. He should just concentrate maybe on making things right with you guys and his maker instead of worrying about what kind of casket he is going to lay in.

This thread hits home with me big time! I lost my brother in 2013. He was in his 60’s. He had a complicated life. I loved him with all my heart but his behavior caused the entire family so much grief.

When he was 13 he became addicted to heroin. He was the oldest brother, 7 years older than me. It was terribly confusing for me. Back then methadone was used to treat addicts.

My mom would pile us in the car, drive to the clinic and he would walk inside to get his fix while we waited in the car. I will never forget the sad look on my mom’s face.

No support groups back then. Lots of arguments at our house. Everything was hush hush.

Several kids told me when I was young that they couldn’t play with me because their parents told them I had a ‘bad brother’. I would cry because I said to them that I wasn’t bad but it didn’t matter. They had to obey their parents. I understood that later in life but not as a kid.

Once he had hallucinations where he thought he had growths of some sort on his arms and my parents had to wrestle a knife away from him to keep him from cutting his arms up trying to remove the imaginary growths. That terrified me!

He overdosed on our front porch. I thought he was dead. My younger brother and I ran to tell my mom. A doctor came to our house and helped him. They made house calls back then for emergencies. My brother was able to be revived. Was very scary for us.

I never understood why we had to drive for hours and pick him up from a large building (juvenile detention home) for a day pass and then bring him back. The ones that were closer he ran away from and found friends to hide out with. When I asked mom why he couldn’t come home she only told me that he did something bad. I always wondered if I was bad would I end up there too.

Later he committed armed robbery and went to prison for many years. I couldn’t bring myself to visit him and see him locked up.

He got HepC. Mom and dad were ailing by then. They asked me to take care of him, doctor appointments, hospital visits, shopping and so forth.

My dad died. Hurricane Katrina hit our city. Mom moved in with us.

He had a horrible motorcycle accident. I was the only one at the hospital for the surgery. He nearly died. He asked me to buy heroin for him. I told him I would never purchase drugs for him. I fell apart and a nurse told me to take care of myself.

I set him up with hospice. He lied about everything to them. He ate the pain pills like candy. I helped him clean his apartment and almost stuck myself on one of his dirty needles. I finally told my mom I couldn’t help him anymore.

I had tried to get him to go to rehab. I truly tied all I could to help him. His problem was bigger than he was.

He stopped hospice, eventually became homeless. I prayed daily for him.

An old man took pity on him and let him stay in a trailer on his property. When he became very sick he brought him to an end of life hospice program.

I brought my mom to see him. He was nothing but skin and bones. He never apologized for hurting me but three nurses told me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I forgave him completely. I was the last one with him seconds before he died. The nurse called me as we were backing out of the parking lot to say he died.

My mom asked me to make the funeral arrangements. He was cremated and is in our family plot. We had a priest go to hospice and say a graveside service.

I have mixed emotions. I loved him as a brother but I hated having an addict in our family. I have enormous compassion for addicts but there is no denying that it is hell for everyone.

He wasn’t a bad kid before that. His best friend asked him to try it because he was lonely. His father was a doctor and was never, ever home, at ball games, nothing and wanted to escape the loneliness and asked my brother to join him. His best friend ended up dead too, couldn’t pay his dealers so they beat him to death.

I can relate, do what you feel is best.

My OB was not a drug addict--as far as I know. But he was a truly dreadful waste of a human life.

He abused everyone--emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally---as he was very ill himself. And also completely aware that what he did was wrong--he lived off the grid in his own world. Stole over $200K from my parents so they lost their "dream home" and had to move in with YB. He spent time in jail, too.

He died about 6 years ago. I had gone non-contact with him the 12 years previous as he was simply too toxic to have around, plus since he abused me horrifically, I was trying to deal with PTSD and not understanding it--and getting zero support from my mother (yep, he was golden boy)....

When he died, suddenly, of a massive stroke, his kids (all estranged) had no clue what to do. He was essentially homeless and living in the basement of some woman. He had hoarded out this basement--and the kids couldn't find anything that said what he may have wanted as far as EOL wishes. They had little money and opted for cremation. The ashes were shared by some of his friends and some to mother. She wanted him buried next to daddy and the rest of us kids blew our tops at this. The cremation made that a moot point.

A year or so later some documents came forth that stated how he wanted his remains to be dealt with--well, frankly, there was no money for any of the grandiose things he wanted, so his remains are 'scattered' across the country, I guess.

You can ask for whatever you want, as far as funerals, but you have to provide the $$ to do it. YOU. Not your beleaguered family.

All my brother left behind was pain.

In a similar situation I just said No. They were not and still are not happy about it but for me it was the right thing to do.

I do understand addiction. I have lost two cousins to drugs. Their brother got help a few years back and has been sober over 20 yrs. Our Grandfather was an alcoholic. Thank God my brothers and I missed that train.

I think your brother is expecting too much from his family. You can have a nice service cheaply. I doubt if he has a lot of friends. Family? You don't have to get the most expensive coffin. I think all graves have that liner now that protects the coffin. The service is really for the family. A way to say goodbye. Its really not needed. You can have a viewing only and then take him to the family plot and have a small service there. Or, just make it a graveside service all the way.

Cremation is the cheapest way to go. There are some really pretty urns. Find out from the cemetery if they allow the remains to be buried in an already used plot. Like Mom or Dads. You will be charged for having it opened even if he gets his own plot. Then again, have a small service.
Then just have lunch together.

A friend's mother had been living with a man who left not even an insurance policy when he died. Her Mom had gone thru any money GFs father had left her. Her Mom asked GF to pay for this man's funeral since he had no children of his own. GF agreed but she was not paying for a viewing. It was an extra 2k over 30 yrs ago. GF got a call from one of the man's nieces up in arms because there was going to be no viewing. My GF told her, if you want to pay for it.

TELL him whatever he wants, than DO whatever you want

If this fellow has caused people so much pain, why are they hanging around listening to his plans to abuse from the grave? The family has no obligation to put him in their plot. Who is his executor? They get to make the decisions and pay for it. If that's his girlfriend, great, she can pay from her purse. Otherwise I'd just make sure the company that maintains the family plot knows he is not to be buried there. There's no need to argue with him- you can just say no to the girlfriend once he's gone. We've chosen body donation which is better than free as the company will scatter cremains over the Pacific. She's free to do that as well, which is not done by the state.

"What the heck do we DO and what do we tell him?"

Tell him: 'We owe you nothing. If anything we do for you, it's out of our compassion for you as a human being."

If you plan to just give him the very basic, then tell him: "We will GIVE you a basic cremation. If you want anything more than that, you will need to pay for it."

And if you want to pay for some of the cost above the basic, tell him: "If you want more than the basic, you can pay x% and we GIVE you the rest."

Tell him: "For once in your life, before you die, stop being a leech, and be responsible. Give us something good to remember you by."

First of all, Vivian

My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to everyone in your family. My heart goes out to your brother as well. I am hoping that spiritual and emotional healing can take place before he dies. Every situation is different. I would never compare mine to yours or yours to someone else.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel here. It is extremely hard for addicts to overcome their addiction and it is extremely hard for family and friends to cope with the mayhem.

I went through cycles of love and hate for my brother that was addicted to heroin. That is normal. At certain times I went completely numb so I could survive. Sometimes l had denial of the pain I experienced. I eventually went to therapy to help sort through it all.

My brother hated being an addict. Like your family, none of the rest of us were addicts.

Until my youngest brother got colon cancer. He became addicted to morphine, unlike my oldest brother had tons and tons of money, (investment banker) and checked himself into a fancy, swanky rehab place for the wealthy. I’m talking, about a place that medically places a person in a coma so they won’t feel the pain of withdrawal, gourmet chef, yoga instructor, amenities galore! He flew to a beautiful ocean side location in sunny California to be at this exclusive rehab!

In the end, he’s still an addict, just like the junkie on the street. Is this a better way to detox? Who knows? Some say no, they want to feel the pain to deter ever repeating it. It generally takes several times in rehab to get clean and sober.

My oldest brother who became homeless was successful at one point. He even owned his own business for years.

Addiction doesn’t discriminate. A person can be young, old, rich, poor, laborers or professionals, doesn’t matter.

My oldest brother could be loving and kind and also could be selfish and hateful.

I think long term heroin use changes their brain. He became paranoid, delusional and irrational. It complicated all areas of his life.

It was horrible when he was in the hospital for surgeries because it took a huge amount of anesthesia to put him under. Sometimes he would wake up during surgeries and start talking to the nurses and doctors. Freaked them out!

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. It took my therapist to say that it was normal for me to have anger,

I had been eaten up with crazy guilt. Emotions get so confusing during these times. When my brother went to prison I stopped eating. I had guilt over him eating slop while I had good food. I couldn’t eat for a long time. I had to force myself to eat again.

The therapist helped me find a healthy understanding and balance about what I was going through, also what an addict goes through.

You have made the first step by reaching out here. You will get through this. These are your decisions to make, not anyone else. Take what advice works for you and discard the rest.

Addicts end up in jail, mental institution, or dead. They overdose, commit suicide, tragic accidents, contracting horrible diseases or murdered.

I can’t say I was shocked that my brother died in hospice with HepC. I am glad they made him comfortable and he had a peaceful death.

I am personally glad that I was at his side. I didn’t want to remember the addict. I wanted to remember my brother. Does that make sense? It’s okay to love a brother but hate the addict. So if you have love for him that’s okay. I forgave my brother for both of us. If your feelings are numb, that’s okay too. If you are angry that is understandable too. No guilt from me. It’s all acceptable. The pain lingers after the death. My therapist helped me work through a lot of unresolved emotions from my childhood and adult life. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist for help. You are welcome to message me anytime. I’ve been there.

A person has to be ready to receive help and work a program. Unfortunately, your brother and mine didn’t do that. So sorry.

Offer him his "place in the family" by allowing and offering burial in the family plot.
How he gets there is his problem. I would not have a memorial service, what would you be memorializing, after all, more pain and disappointment?

It is not the family's role to mete out punishment, or pass judgment. Imo.

It is your work now to avoid any further involvement with the girlfriend, and unless there are children involved, drop her and get an early restraining order.

You obviously have a brother, so do anything you can (without spending money) to show him every life has value, if at all you are visiting him. Do not feel worse if you cannot visit him. So sorry for your pain, and impending loss of a brother, whose behaviors made him a criminal.

I've already responded on here but I would like to add that how we are interred at the end of our life is really irrelevant in the big picture. I remember when my eldest brother passed away and we were all sitting around the boardroom table at the funeral home discussing headstones and coffins, cremation urns, etc. Also they wanted to know whether we wanted to dress him in a special suit. We were planning on cremation. I mean does it really matter what we are dressed in when we get buried or cremated? My Mom said, "he is gone and is now with his Lord, so we don't care what he is wearing"

How we live our life while we are on this earth is what really matters right? I know that doesn't answer your question "what should we do?" But truly, I'm surprised that someone like your brother who obviously wasn't concerned with life matters judging by how he led his life would really care that much about being buried in a family plot.

I don't mean to be disrespectful but when I die people can mix my ashes in with the kitty litter to be honest. My soul will have moved on and my body is just a shell anyways. By all means, have a ceremony if you wish but after that its not real important when your soul has left your body.

Brother has an income....secure it now by having SS send a rep-payee his money, do it now. That could be used for burial or cremation expenses. A person in hospice, heavily medicated would not be able to handle this SSI money appropriately, and by law, it must be spent on his needs. One is allowed to have a burial plan that is exempt from assets when receiving SSI.
The girlfriend has no legal rights to this money.

A family member should take charge, direct partial funds to the funeral parlor? if allowed, they may help you secure it.

This idea may not be fully developed, sorry. It also may require more family involvement. Keep in mind, he will not be returning to his home, if he has one with the girlfriend, so arranging his belongings now may be wise. Selling any assets, such as T.V's, computers, etc. Do not leave anything undone to tie your family to the world of addicts, imo. Does he have a will?

What should you tell him? Nothing.
Detach a.s.a.p. with love.

It is Social Security that determines the need for a rep-payee; according to their own rules, and assigns a rep-payee under the authority given to Social Security by law. The person does not have to be declared incompetent, and the rep-payee does not need a POA.

Unfortunately, those who collect Social Security disability benefits are sometimes mentally ill, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or have often come to a point in their illness in which they are no longer able to handle their own finances. If this occurs, it is usually necessary to appoint someone else to manage the spending of SSA benefits. This where the job of a Social Security representative payee comes in.
A convicted felon cannot be appointed as a rep-payee.
Make a visit in person to any SS ofc. And inquire.

Vivian, your question is: Other income for burial? As in from the government?
No, that is not what I meant. I was talking about assets (of his own, using his money) that are exempt resources. In other words, you can buy or pre-pay burial expenses with his income. Maybe this will help:

What Items Does the SSA Not Consider as Resources?
"When you apply for SSI disability benefits the home that you live in and the land that home is on is not considered in your resource pool. Certain personal effects are also not counted as resources, such as your wedding ring or engagement ring. Burial spaces, burial funds (up to $1,500 per person) and life insurance policies with a combined value of $1,500 or less are also not considered as resources when applying for SSI benefits from the SSA."

There may be a burial benefit for people on SSI, but I don't know. I think there is a burial benefit for people on Social Security retirement who have paid into the system. However, I do not know. (Well, I do know, but not able to share).

Sorry, but I am done answering this part of the issue, as others think they know more.

Hand out right to the end expecting someone to put something in it because they always do

so, it’s up to you guys. If it was me I would say whatever he wants until he’s gone then no service a brief announcement in the paper and private cremation no after party.

Just want to make sure we are on the same page here. SSI is not Social Security or Social Security disability. It is Supplemental Security Income. The Social Security Agency oversees it but the money does not come from Social Security monies, but from the government treasury. SSI does not help with funeral expenses.

Vivian,

Call and ask the funeral director if there is a government thing where someone like your brother could get help with his burial. Or even the Coroner's office. Since my ex was found dead, his body went to the Coroners Office. My name was given as someone to contact. My ex had lived like a hermit and I guess had not taken care of himself. The Coroner said something about the state paying for his funeral, I asked why, he has money. The Coroner thought he was homeless. Maybe under the circumstances you could get some help.

So are you saying that he is not welcome in the family plot?

I completely understand and agree that you and sibs will not be paying for his last party. However, I am confused about the plot.

What would your parents do if they were still alive? Would they plant his cremated remains in the plot? If yes, that's what I would do, if no, then he gets cremated and you give his girlfriend the remains to do with as she pleases.

I don't think people understand that a simple funeral can cost upwards of 15k. Just digging a hole is about 3k. I refuse to pay 10s of thousands on a dead body. Even for myself or my husband. Money can be used to feed the hungry or buy shoes for children, why throw away so much.

It is not up to any of you to do anything, he is a grown man and has made choices that have consequences. Time to face the consequences.

Next time it gets brought up, I would say, dang, you are getting some good drugs. And leave it at that.

Let us know what you end up doing, it helps to know how others deal with situations.

The three of you must please yourselves. It is your decision to make, jointly.

Who is in the family plot, though? If it has always been the resting place for all members, be they saints or sinners, and it's a tradition you want to maintain, then don't exclude him for censorious reasons. He qualifies. Only exclude him if you feel you're d**ned if you're going to sub his death as well as his life. It doesn't sound as though you individually or jointly would struggle to pay the cost, so is that an issue at all, really? - and if not, then it can be paid for on a strictly voluntary basis with no hard feelings towards non-contributors on principle.

As to what you tell him... Do you normally tell him the unvarnished truth and speak your mind? Or are you discreet and reticent?

I'm puzzled to understand what the difficulty is, exactly. Clearly there IS one: he will not hear of the state's cremating him, the three of you are plunged into a quandary, therefore you clearly could not bring yourselves just to tell him to get stuffed. What did you say to him?

I'm all for not being lofty and moralistic, but then again. You don't accept somebody for what he is if in truth you just ignore what he is.

He is asking the three of you to honour his memory. Has any one of you asked him what right he has to claim this from you?

For all I know, he may be able to answer that question to your complete satisfaction. But not if you don't ask it.

I’m not sure how “formal” he’s envisioning his services. I think I would try to avoid a big full blown event with calling hours. I don’t think you’re objecting to his burial in the family plot. Perhaps a compromise would be a graveside service. I believe caskets are less expensive if they’re not intended for display at calling hours. Also cremains can be buried in a plot with a nice ground level stone. As long as the “states” not cremating him, he might be more willing to go that route. My Mom will be cremated, no services, and the ashes given to us for about 3200.

Vivian,

You and siblings hold all of the cards. You know that. You got plenty of confirmation, including from me who has first hand experience with a drug addict brother since I was 6 years old. You are free to do whatever feels right for you. This is your call.

I wish my brother would have known the dangers of drugs. We had good parents that taught us right from wrong. Went to great schools, lived in a great neighborhood and so forth but there was no education on drugs back then. It was all hush, hush. No education in schools about drugs, nor the community and my parents never expected a classmate who was lonely because his father, who was a wonderful doctor but unfortunately not an involved dad, was not in his son’s life and the kid turned to drugs to escape loneliness and asked my brother to join him. It’s called peer pressure. They both got hooked as 13 year old kids. A life long battle ensued. Some beat it, some don’t. I wish they could have. Trust me, I know the hell it creates for everyone involved.

Maybe deep down you always knew how you felt about your brother’s funeral planning but wanted others to reaffirm what you feel, you have to do whatever you feel you have to do and be at peace.

You don’t owe anything to your brother or his girlfriend. End of story. I wish you well. It’s difficult. It will be over soon enough. No one should judge what you decide.

You have a right to vent, ask advice or just chat but you know that you don’t need anyone else’s approval or even understanding to go forward with your plans.

If you feel your brother should be affirming about how you feel, all I can say is, don’t hold your breath, it may never happen. It would be nice if he did. I used to feel that I wanted my brother to understand but for whatever reason he wouldn’t or couldn’t and it no longer mattered to me. I learned to go on autopilot when needed.

Stop torturing yourself. It’s a losing battle. As I said before in other posts, you and I do not have brothers who were able to beat their demons (drugs).

I wish all addicts could overcome and I feel really good about the shift in education about the horrible disease of addiction. I do not hate addicts, just like I don’t hate sharks in the ocean when they attack. Humans are on their turf. If we are in the addict’s turf we get hurt. That’s why I eventually removed myself from his life until shortly before his death. Believe me, I desperately tried to help my brother and got chewed up pretty badly before I sought help for myself.

Many fall into addiction after terrible accidents or illness, like my other brother, extremely intelligent Tulane University, PhD graduate, super wealthy, more money than God, investment banker, doesn’t have clients under the million dollar mark, who got colon cancer and got addicted to pain meds, or my sweet neighbor after a terrible back injury becoming addicted. I am sure you will agree that not all addicts are sleazy low lifes. They were only trying to deal with pain! Did not abuse meds. They are highly addictive drugs!

In the end, I chose to forgive my brother for both of us. I am grateful we were able to be at peace with each other before he died. I am in no way suggesting anything to you about forgiveness. That is your decision. I am not judging you. There is no right or wrong here.

One final word, I benefited greatly from therapy to help with childhood and adult situations with my brother.

I actually always thought I didn’t need therapy. I thought it was my brother who had the problem and he needed therapy more. I was wrong thinking I didn’t need it and so glad that I finally realized it, other people advised me to go to therapy and I did not listen to them. That was my loss. When I did go I found answers I so desperately needed.

You don’t have to go. Maybe you already have gone. Who knows? You don’t have to explain anything to anyone if you choose not to. It’s very hard when the wound is so fresh. Take care.

This may or may not be relevant to anyone. I told my kids about drugs from very young. Plus they had drug education in school too. But my ‘black sheep’ brother unbeknownst to me spoke to my kids about NEVER using drugs like he did. He had the biggest impact on them. I am truly grateful. There was a silver lining in my black cloud.

He told them over and over, not to end up like him. He did so privately because he wouldn’t have wanted me to berate him in front of them. He loved my children. They saw him as their uncle.

As much as I hated his lifestyle I didn’t berate him in front of anyone. Not my style.

Did I ever leave him alone with my kids? Never. But in the kitchen at my mom’s house he would talk to them, while sharing cookies and ice cream. I had no idea.

I never even knew that he spoke to them about it. My kids would catch me crying and didn’t want to upset me by speaking to me about him. They kept it to themselves until after his death.

They both told me the reason they never did drugs when it was all around them was because they saw their uncle suffering so much.

Don’t kid yourself about good neighborhoods and private schools. Drugs are plentiful everywhere! The only difference was in my kid’s schools they had more money to buy better drugs. Not just the kids either, a teacher at the high school was busted for dealing and using drugs with the kids. Yes, a private school!

It’s a huge and complex problem. I have school friends that I lost to overdosing. Friends that I have lost to suicide. Friends I have lost in tragic accidents.

All death is hard. But the senseless ones, the preventable ones, the kids we said a silent prayer for at school reunions, because they were dead. Their deaths stung a little more.

Trust me, Vivian. I know! I am tearing up thinking about our brothers, yours and mine. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Yeah, my brother stole everything of ours too. Even asked my brother to bring him drugs to prison when he went to visit him. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

Don’t give up. I know you can’t forget. No one can. I have memories that shouldn’t be a part of my childhood, as do you. You know how that is.

Ironically, my brother did believe in God. There were times he felt so useless that he felt he couldn’t be forgiven by God.

So intersting that your brother’s name is David. That is who I told him that God forgave after his many sins. Then I used the apostle Paul as an example too. Paul was his favorite apostle because Paul himself said that he was the least of the apostles and my brother could relate to that.

The last thing I said to him was to hug our dad in heaven for me, along with others. I told him I loved him, and completely forgave him. I walked out, did not say, see you tomorrow like I had been saying. I knew that he would die that day. I left. A second later he was gone.

My mom was getting tired. She went to the car while I said my last goodbye. I felt so badly for her. I can’t imagine the pain of outliving a child. I don’t think he could have died in front of her. The hospice nurses were incredible. The social worker too. Also, the clergy.

I still strugle with emotions but not nearly as much as before. You are going to get through this. If you need to talk I am here. I mean it. I have been there. I understand.

Many others have said this..

just nod. Then when the time comes do as you wish.

there is no reason to have the ill will of the argument over this. Save yourself the hassle of it all. Just nod...then do as you please.