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I am trying to figure out how to live my life while taking care of my 85 yr old Grandmother. She lives in a trailer about 100 Yards from my front door. She doesn't drive. It feels like the never ending assignment and I am depressed to think I still have my parents and in-laws yet to come. How do I get to have a life?
I am the only grandchild caregiver and never hear from any on here. All my friends have careers and take vacations. I get so jealous.
I have family, including her son, my Dad. He has left her care to me and only visits when he can't avoid it. He says "I'm just not a caregiver..." AWWW.... I'm so angry at the lack of care from him, my brother and my cousins. No one comes to visit. They rarely call and they never ask what they could do for me or her. She has full capabilities and complains to me that they never come to see her. Sorry for the rant, just really burned out, frustrated, angry and jealous. I don't see any hope on the horizon.

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Don't feel sorry for the "rant" - you have every right to all of your feelings. We can't fix your situation but we can listen and give some advice.

Your dad's attitude is particularly disturbing. Do you know any of his friends who could talk to him? Since your grandmother has her full capabilities, you should tell her you are going with friends and then do so. Then let your dad know that she will be alone for the evening or whenever you are gone. Put some of the responsibility back on him.

You may want to read this article:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grandchildren-caring-for-their-grandparents-149490.htm I hope it can give you some comfort if nothing else.

Please try to take care of yourself,

Carol
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Thanks, although again I'm unique even from this article. I'm 38 and have spent the last 5 years caring for her. That translates to me spending most of my 30's with income restrictions and "living" freedom restricted. I don't have retirement and am a losing precious time and freedom with my teenagers. I tried to hire a non-medical help from an agency but they want a time commitment that isn't needed because of her abilities. I don't want this job anymore and can't get out of it. My friends say that I'm so lucky to have my grandma and she's lucky to have me. Although it's a romantic thought... It makes me angry and sad at the same time. I feel no "luck" in this situation. I've lost the relationship of a grandparent since I'm now the one ''bossing" her. I've lost my freedom to live in the prime of my life.
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I cared for both of my Grandparents. I will always be glad that I did. I know it is not easy, find some support in a support group or contact a home care agency for some respite care. This would help you have some time away for yourself. I know that is important, please try to take care of you too.
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What is keeping you there? I don't mean to seem harsh, but people can't take advantage of you, unless you let them. I understand where your dad is coming from. He is probably reaching retirement age, himself. Your grandmother needs to make some plans for her long term care. Have you discussed that with her?
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I am 38 too! I just happened to stumble on this site this morning. So it is my first post ever. I haven't worked in a LONG time! I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I am a brandnew caregiver for my husband's grandmother so she is my grandmother-in-law. She just moved in last month after we moved her from all her friends and home of 50 years! She has never fallen and she fell last week because she lost her balance. We have a good relationship but you are right, it has changed now because now I am telling her to do things..it is weird! I never thought I'd be saying, "Grandma drink your water, eat this, use your walker, etc." But, apparently, that is what I have to do! But, I can't MAKE her drink water or eat or use her walker and she is losing weight. Dr.'s visits are very hard on me with two children at home, 6 and 9, it is very hard to put them anywhere so that I can take her to the Dr. We are homeschooling them because that was the best way to care for grandma and not be stuck on the school schedule. I am a teacher. The thing that I most empathize with you is that I was really getting sad because I really needed to get a job now because of the new house (which has an extra bedroom) and school loans but thankfully, grandma of her own offering-I never asked, is now giving me a generous support money every month and that is really helping us. However, she had the money to give. If she did not, it would be very hard on me. I literally was just able to go buy the kids their winter clothes and now we can eat this month! We are a homeschooling family of 4 with two younger children. If not for that I would be right where you are-struggling to get by and feeling "stuck". My only question is: can you get her on "life alert" system and then go to work nearby? You said that she is fully capable. I have also found that a weekly "date" with a close girlfriend has helped me adjust and feel more sane. It sounds like you are feeling lonely. I will be praying that you also get the emotional and financial support that you need. It is a very difficult situation for both of you and I can hear that you are suffering because your family doesn't support you either. I want to encourage you because you are really doing the right thing even when your family is not. Please hang in there and don't ever lose hope or give up!
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Bless you both!
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Is she able to take care of herself for the most part? She's lucky to have you. I also second the life alert if it's an option. My grandmother had one. She could use it to get 911 out to her house and it would also alert my brother who lived next door to her.
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Thanks all, Yes she already has a alert button. I dream of taking long weekends with my kids and/or husband. We live in the country. I moved her from where she lived so she has no friends here. I swear my neighbors avoid me because they are afraid I will ask them to check in on my Granny. She is ok alone 80%... but it's the 20% of the time where she does things that are dangerous. She needs daily "visual" contact. When she had a stroke 20yrs ago she still made dinner that night! So someone has to check on her. I've run outta "I owe you ones!". Tired of being trapped. She needs just enough help that I can't leave and not enough to warrent a living arrangement change. Thank you all for letting me vent.
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My wife and I care for my MIL. She has dementia. When we leave her alone I give her a note. It tells her the schedule, when people will be home, when she can eat, where her lunch is located, not to let the pets out, not to answer a knock on the door, etc. She reads it repeatedly and it helps her better understand her situation.

It sounds like your grandmother does not have dementia. Perhaps a note with the schedule and a quick "how are you doing? I am off to work/store/school/etc. would work. By "work" I do not mean "be exactly what she wants or what others say you should do". I mean "meets her basic needs and creates appropriate boundaries for yourself.

Vacations and other time away can be tricky. It sounds like you have some options which may not work as well in our situation. A non-medical person to sit with her for 2-3 hours per day each day you are gone might be worth the investment on your part. Of course I assume she at least receives Social Security so might she has some resources she could invest in her own care?
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This is such a difficult situation! If your Dad " just isn't a caregiver" (who of us is??) perhaps he could pay for someone to come stay with her so you can get away every now and then. My 71-year-old sister is in the same state--she isn't bad enough for adult daycare or a visiting nurse's aid, but she is apt to leave the stove on, forget to feed herself, or try to set a fire in the woodstove with disastrous results.
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Then stop being a martyr and tell your father you will no longer be her caregiver. If she is able-bodied and just doesn't drive, have meals on wheels deliver food, and you tell everyone you are done. I am assuming you have a brain with which to think and get yourself out of this situation. You are the only one chaining yourself to this situation. If you suddenly died, someone else would step in. So keep your sanity, get your own life, and wish her well.
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you are burned out to the enth degree....i became very resentful toward my 87 yr old dad. i would tell you my story but lack time right now but my heart pains for you. I agree with the life alert AND leaving a note daily keeping her abreast of your itenerary to a degree....and a number to reach you...just so she feels 'connected'. God bless ya
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I was the daughter in the almost identical situation. My brother rarely called or came to visit. I was lucky in the sense that my husband and one daughter helped some. Still mom's 99% care giving was left to me. And she lived with us so it was 24/7. She just passed away at 96 in July. I miss her deeply but I do understand the not having a life and now that she is gone I struggle with what the next chapter of my life looks like since my whole world was turned upside down and sideways when she passed. I am struggling with mourning her and also morning what defined me. My one suggestion is get someone to do respite care, there are those services in most areas, check with a nursing home or in home care service. Then take some time to do something for yourself. Even if its go get groceries and take time to breath. Caregiving isn't easy but I am glad that mom was kept with family and at home. Anytime you need to talk I am here!
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ferris1, I am sorry but reaming her out is not kool. She may not have any options. Her just proclaiming her frustration and stating she is done is not always an option. Yes she is burned out and complaining, that's ok, she needs to vent. I have been there and done that and there isn't always any alternatives that are doable in her location and some people like her dad are NOT a caregiver! I am not someone that usually blasts anyone but you come across as not being very compassionate. She needs advice that is constructive and uplifting!
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Amen beecindy
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There are always other options. I think that is what Ferris was trying to say. I was so tired of my own sister catering to Mother. It practically made Mother helpless. Now, sis will be dead a year, Dec.15 and Mother is in a NH doing well. If there is no family that can help, there is always other options. BUT, this grandmother's son needs to rescue his daughter and talk to mom about the best options for her.
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For me it was different. I had to place my grandma with mild dementia into a personal care home. I gave up college to care for her since neither of her sons would help and my cousin tried to become her POA after my grandma changed it to me since I was the only one balancing high school and her. So I understand how stressful it really is. I say do what you need to do. If you can get social services to join in then do it. You need time for you as well before you burn yourself out completely. I hope things get better. But do tell your father how you feel though. But in a nice way perhaps, but be firm with it. Tell him how you feel, I had to it will help get the weight off of you.
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Ask Jesus to help you. Ask for love, joy, peace, & patience. You have to tell your dad that you really have to have some help. Tell him you are getting burned out and that you won't be able to continue unless you at least have a day off once a week and maybe one evening. I understand. I had to move in with my dad, who has dementia, and gave up my life. I had to tell my sister and brother I needed the same. I'm also gonna get life alert for when I have to run an errand.
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Hi takecareofgran,

I am also a grandchild caring for my Grandma and I work from home. My stepmom & brother only call to check on her occasionally and visit on holidays. I totally feel you on the burnout factor. Have you considered adult day service? You need and are entitled to breaks because if you do not take care of yourself, you can not take care of her effectively. My Grandmas is 94, has vascular dementia, had a stroke, etc. The adult day care a few days weekly is working well for us because she is getting good care and is engaged in activities while I can get my work done, run errands and get a break. I pray for your strength.
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I am 42 a caring for my 93 yr old grandmother. My kids,19 and 12, are crammed into a 9X9 room so that my grandma can sleep in her own bed. My partner cant support all of us on his pay, and the government said we make too much to have in home care so that I can work. Whats happening to you isnt fair. One bit. My sister has 3 extra rooms in her house, AND she is a CNA that never had to work...she has one child in school all day, and she stays home to watch reality tv shows and never helps. She lives 10 minutes away. My brother who took my grandmothers house, her car, rent free lives within walking distance, and never helps.Or calls. He kept the car while we had NOTHING to drive her even to doc appointments. So Im sharing to let you know that all families can be cruel,selfish, but that is not who you are, and you cant help it. You need to do what helps you sleep at night,no matter what your choices are. Close yourself off from those who sap your energy (including "dad") and begin to build a support system...my neighbors know to alert me to strangers that come by, noises that sound right, one will even come to the door if I am not home to make sure that gram is okay if I should have to run errands. My own brother and sister dont do that. There are pros and cons to what you are being to your grandmother...just please do not forget that there are pros :)
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Believe me I know exactly how you feel and my mom being total care/ bed ridden and uncommunicative living at home with me even makes it harder. It get so frustrated. Her SS income always goes to her care and then I add some of mine to that as well leaving me paycheck to paycheck always. If I wanted to hire I sitter for a normal movie night the costs cost of any little evening was 100.00. Finally I decided to bring in a Live-In caregiver and I provide room and board with a biweekly salary and I'm beginning to see the light again. Its been 3 weeks now and I'm trying to work myself back into society, feel so isolated, I get invited to places and end up not going because I don't know what to talk about anymore. Yet I have to so I can find my internal smile again. I truly hope you find your solution. You will be blessed for the love you are giving, just keep on believing that.
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Hi
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Hi,I am much older than you but in a similar situation.I care for my elderly mother who I can not leave.She has Dementia and is liable to do anything.Some days she doesn't even know who I am and some days she does.My mother did not raise me but I still had a relationship with her.We were not very close but I tried to keep her involved with the family.I was always told it would fall on me to care for her and they would laugh.I thought it was partially a joke but I kind of knew they were serious.I do everything for her .Including cleaning stool off the floor she tries to rub into the floor boards thinking she is helping.I am often ready to pull my hair out.No one helps me.They say they do not know what to do.If they get as far as staying with her for me ,they do nothing while they are there.I change her diapers ,dress her .I do it all.I am totally alone.Sometimes I just want another voice to speak to me so I can talk to someone that can carry on a conversation.This is a difficult place to be and no one understands unless they have been there.Sounds like you can get out some.I would take advantage of that time.Thank goodness she is not a total care like my mother is .Take advantage of all the time you get away from her.Tell her you have to have some time to do some things.She will be fine.While she can care for herself let her do it.Only take on what you have to.Do not do more than is needed.It is good for them to do for them selves.It makes them feel good.They do not usually like needing to get someone to do things for them.Makes them feel helpless. Let her do for herself and tell her you are there when needed.Check on her thru out the day and do your thing.It will be ok.I am surviving even when I feel like I am not.I have 4 children ,9 grandchildren and 2 sisters and a brother but still get no help.My sister has just been dx with cancer and I will help her too if needed.I would rather say I helped my family than say I did not know what to do.Everyone can learn if they choose to.I am sure your grandmother appreciates the help even if she does not tell you.Some people do not know how to say thank you out loud or to your face.But they think the thought all the time.Good luck to you.I hope you find some things that help you in all these responses.We all will be thinking and praying for you.
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OK... your Grandmother, unless she raised you, is NOT your responsibility....... PERIOD.
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There are a few things you can do. The first is to get in-home care for your grandma. Since she is still capable of taking care of herself, this care can be companionship for her and relief care for you. You can get away and relax so you don't bring your frustration back when you're with her.

Have you tried Friend to Friend America? It's a national organization of volunteers who befriend seniors. They aren't caregivers, they aren't free transportation; they are just friends/companions. The volunteers are screened.

Another thing you can do is take your mother to activities she enjoys: libraries, knitting groups, pools, charities, etc. Help her build friendships/relationships. It may take some time, but your goal is to get her comfortable enough so you don't have to be with her all the time. She would just need transportation to and from an activity, and there are home care and senior transport agencies that can do that. When you want to take a trip, a home care agency can also offer 24-hour, in-home care.

The last thing is tell your family you're taking a trip, and they need to step up. All they have to do is take turns and spending just an hour with your grandma while you're gone; she'd feel very loved.
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takcareofgran, your grandmother may not need home health aid type of care but instead Homemaker-Companion care. These people do light housekeeping, fix meals, take the client out to the store or to lunch, they can sit and talk or watch a movie on TV... Basically, they make sure the person doesn't get herself/himself into trouble and they do the laundry for that person, too! They are not as expensive as home health aids and your grandmother may qualify for some state assistance. You should contact your area Agency on Aging for more information.

Good luck!
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I am also a granddaughter caregiver. I get the same felling sometimes. I have 5 brothers and 3sisters, Gram's only surviving son lives in Texas and is now coming up (we live in Ne) once a month for 1 or 2 weeks at a time. Now that it's winter, that will be questionable. Gram is almost 99 and is in pretty good health, just weaker and has short term memory problems. I have "moved in" with her full time, as she can't live alone, I have a family still and want to do things with them. When I ask for help so I can go to an activity, I hear "sorry not today, I have plans!" or some such story! All have offered to help "anytime!". I do get help from my my mom's cousins, one brother, a neighbor, and my 2 adult daughters. But, I get so tired of asking and the SAME people stepping forward! Let me NOT keep them informed though and WATCH OUT!!!! Try some friends (yours and hers)and neighbors, church members, anyone you talk to and relate with on a regular basis. If she has the money pay for a relief caregiver. you can also check with your local office on aging. If she is on Medicaid or your grandfather was a war time vet, each will pay for in home help. Good luck!!! Take a deep breath, relax and things will work out!!!
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I say you are the most awesome grandchild ever! Regardless of the frustration, pain, anger, guilt, and the myriad of other emotions, you are still there, ensuring she is okay. You should get a medal, and the recognition you deserve for doing all you do in such a selfless manner.
I do feel your pain, and have been there, while my four siblings who all lived close, could not be bothered to visit long enough for me to leave for an hour or two. Do you feel guilt like I did for not wanting to be locked down? That was the hardest for me. I found a local support network through my Church family. Many Churches have "visitation" nights(days) where someone qualified comes and stays with your loved one while you have the day or night off. If you attend Church please ask your clergyman. Secondly, now there are a lot of caregiver support groups now who can help us identify and deal with the types of mental anguish, exhaustion, and loneliness we all experience at different levels when we are committed to long term caregiving.
I know you have heard it, but she is truly blessed to have you, and those avoiding her like your dad, need to know what they are missing of her final days, and they will surely carry that regret in to the time when they themselves need to be looked after. Keep your faith strong, and you will be able to get through this. I wish could help more.----Blessings----
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Your not alone. I love my Grandmother, but it sucks. I'm 42 next week and she has lived with me for 5 years. I live with frustration and guilt. My Fiance wants to take me for a romantic dinner for my birthday. She is gonna give me the guilt trip because she isn't going. I shouldn't feel guilty because I want to wear heels and not push a wheelchair or change diapers. I'll deal with it's but I work for her 24/7 as she wouldn't have it any other way. She is selfish. See. Your not alone.
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It sounds like Your grandmother lives independently. Do you bathe, cook, clean for her etc? If she doesn't need 24/7 why are you not free to come and go a least a bit? I think you probably a wonderful devoted granddaughter doing everything she can to help, but she probably likes her independence. Sound like you live close enough to have an intercom system between the two properties or how about a granny cam that you can see on your computer. Then there is elder daycare which would get her a little socialization. Maybe you can find yourself a nice part time job to start where you will only be away a few hours. Please take a day off with your family. Dad can come check in for a couple of hours. If you must insist, insist.
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