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My 85 yo mother lives with my brother and his family in a separate apartment. My brother takes the lion's share of care of Mother. She is going downhill, steadily, can walk with a walker, does get out twice a week to the Sr. Center., but the rest of the time she's home, watching TV or doing puzzles. I live close to her and see her 2-3 times a week and help as much as she'll allow, but the truth is, she really wants to see the 3 siblings that never come to visit her. Every time I go, she'll ask politely how my family is and then ask me about ALL the other sibs and their kids and the grandkids. I am sick at heart that my sisters don't even pick up the phone once a month. My brother lives only 3 miles from her and he hasn't seen her since Christmas, nor called her. I did talk to each of these sibs last week and told them that she is really quite lonely and could they take time to just drop by? Brother did feel horribly guilty and stopped by for 15 last week, between a wedding and the reception. The other 2 sisters haven't seen her in months, probably, since Christmas also. When I go up, I always feel like Mother really wishes it was one of the other kids. I'm not the favorite, and that's OK...but how do I encourage my sibs to take some time for her? She's not going to be with us a lot longer--and while I am at peace with that, I think my sisters are going to be shocked to see how much she has deteriorated since Christmas. Distance is no excuse--the furthest one away from her is only 8 miles away! Mother always says "Oh they just are so busy!" (One sister just returned from a 10 day golf trip.....) I'm baffled here, don't want to guilt them, but would love to see them spend one day once a month with her. (Yes, she could call them , but she has never been that kind of mother, we have to initiate--so don't suggest she call them, she won't) Any ideas?

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Nancy--you go!!!!
And yes, I am a middle kid--sort of, 3rd of 6, so there are actually 2 middles.

You inspire me (but I have already been ziplining and I know how to ski!!) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
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And what if there were 12 of you. We saw mom and dad choose and dealt with it Yes we were jealous but figured they needed it more than others., for we had each other growing up and things change.Younger ones got the attention and still do if the parents were alive. Parents made the girls strong and the boys work to take care of the women their to marry--figuring the girls will marry someone to take care of them, But we girls had to work in the fields too- plus cook and wash when we got home- Boys only did farm work.So as to getting kids or siblings into helping we must realize that they don't want to for fear of having to be like us that do Spend All our Time with the one in need. They say they don't have time. cause their working or kids game or shi- happens Saying- .I'll be there when really necessary- your doing a great job- keep in touch- all that back slapping stuff.
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oh Nancy sooooo sweeeet!! have fun skiing!!!
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Midkid.....your moniker leads me to believe that you are the "middle one", God bless them all. I am the "Zip line" riding old lady and caring for a bedridden husband 24/7. If it were not for the "Middle one", I would be doing this alone. What are my choices....worry over those that care not whether I am dead or alive....or what I have chosen....go when the "Middle One" and her family take me to places I want to go, bless them for babysitting with Grampa and just "being there" when things are overwhelming. That trip to take me "Zip Lining" was GREAT and they didn't have to make time for my "dumb things" I want to do, but they do. Guess who is going skiing for the first time on a "bunny hill" this winter that those that care found for me. They know I want to do this, so this 80 year old is going skiing and there will be a babysitter provided...that's the way they do things. God bless them. So as I said before....thank and love those who help and forget those who do not. All of you who are being the caregivers...I pray those you are caring for appreciate it. I know some don't...there are days when my husband doesn't appreciate what I do, but I try to remember that there WERE good times. Dear MidKid...this old lady loves you and appreciates what you are doing and yes there are a lot of ungrateful parents and siblings out there. Hold your head up HIGH. God's blessings upon you. Lots of hugs.
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Wow, I opened Pandora's box with this post. This obviously is not an uncommon family situation. Vent away, those who need to...I feel your pain.
As far as trying to organize something...well, I tried to do a summer party and it was not well received....we couldn't land on a date for everyone so we gave up. We do a Christmas party and some of the family show up. And stay maybe half hour....Mother did sort of bring this on herself, by choosing 3 favorites (and we know who they are)..and by pretty much ignoring the 3 not-so-amazing kids. (actually, I AM pretty amazing!). Behavior like that comes back to bite you. Mother STILL refers to my deceased brother as "the Genius", my younger brother as "The Golden Boy" and my baby sister as "The Miracle Child". We are all in our 50's and 60's..it's kind of ridiculous. When introduced to one of Mother's new friends, she said "Oh who are you?" and I said, "I'm the fat funny one with emotional issues" and she said, "Oh, Ok, you're B----". Yup, 59 years old and still carrying the label from when I was 5. I am not going to even bring this issue up again with the 3 non involved sibs. No point at all. They know where she is, they know she's in poor and getting worse, health and if they don't want to see her, then they won't. She won't call them--so we're at a total stalemate.
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My advice: don't bother. You can't make people do what you want them to do, nor can you make them do what they don't want to do. My view is that in this case all you can do is inform. This issue is between them and your Mother, not you. Yes its sad for your Mom and yes its hard work without help from siblings. I am experiencing both. I try to state rather than complicate (Eg. Mom asked to see you, vs Mom is upset that you dont visit). Since you know you will be asked, give your Mom as full an update as you can, she doesn't ask more about you (and yours) because she believes you tell her all the good things. How else will she know how her other children are doing unless you share with her what you know. It hurts us, that's because we love them so much.
Good luck and keep sane.
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Our daughter (50)will not call or visit us-her dad (my husband) he can't walk . Yes I have left messages and told them it was his birthday and not a card nor call. said they forgot. (WHATS WRONG WITH BELATED CARD?) she finally called after a close friend that worked at V A hospital asked her about her dad said he saw him at hospital for check-up. She did call But no mentioned of me(mother) or her brother. I too say her loss- So far it only upsets me for her not even coming over when they come to their property next door to us( rent) to work on it. And then her new husband said I had the nerve not to wave at his wife (daughter) when they were leaving.BULL. That works both ways Her and my problem is . I took care of her when she wrecked her 3 wheel motor cycle last year in May and almost killed her and granddaughter. (3-months I cleaned the S--- out of her butt. and put bed pan under her.) Stayed with her 24/7 and when she cried that she did not want to lay in waste. All her new husband could say was They get paid to do this he wasn't..and never did He --He went bike riding and she started feeling down and talking about his attitude towards her and wanted the big D.she even called her Attorney to help her not me. During the whole time she was at UK and VA in Lexington,Ky.3 mo. crushed pelvic.that was her doing- I only felt mothers need to help her not lay in waste- cause sometimes it did take awhile for the BUSY nurses to come.
Then after she gets home they talked and said I was the cause for them almost getting a divorce. I left. haven't spoken since. just to 17 yr old granddaughter- only when they let her use her phone. I know now that she was playing the quilt and I fell for it But it only takes a child to blame you for something when your helping then My feeling got hurt and while everyone says pat yourself on back for doing as a mother does well that does not help- say she'll come around and see him for what he is- She didn't the first time Everyone says he married her for her money ##OK I 'm off track but Get the message that kids do the things we don't like and nothing## but its up to them also to make the first move.
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I have cared for both in-laws willingly for free. My own parents, never. 2 younger brothers got mom's dilapidated house in exchange for "care". Dad died in nursing home where he wanted to be last 7 years of his life and got great care. I tried to help but didn't do it right. Sometimes parents have different relationships with different children in the family. Also they have different ideas and skill sets that interfere with therapeutic relationships. I hope everyone out there can find ways to ask for help and get it without fighting with relatives.
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Help2day you must want to drag her round to your mother's house by the hair. A quarter of a mile, for heaven's sake. Pathetic. I don't blame you for being riled, and especially the part about its intruding on the fulfilment and satisfaction you might be able to enjoy if your sister weren't such a wet rag.

I know these feelings are terrible for us who feel them, and we do need to shed them; but I have no idea how you make them go away. I suppose we'll just have to keep working on it?
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Unfortunately, I have to reluctantly agree with most all of the other posters. You cannot make someone else care. I am angry, resentful and totally disappointed at my 61-year old sister (who lives less than 1/4 mile away from our 86-year old mother). She doesn't lift a finger to help me (yes, I've asked). She won't even call or visit unless I "guilt" her into it. It was my sister's birthday in July and I decided to drop off a birthday card to her (sis lives with HER daughter because she's made herself mentally disabled). I visited with her and as I was leaving I asked her if she was "planning on visiting Mom today?" My sister says, "Oh, why? I wasn't planning on it." Um, really????!!! I tell her, "Don't you think Mom would like to see you are your birthday?" She says innocently and talking in a babyish voice, "Oh, I don't know." What a jerk! In my heart, I know it really bothers our Mother that she doesn't visit or call. But she will never tell her. It's so sad, really.

I really, really try to "let it go" and rise above the resentment, but it's SO HARD. I only know that when Mom leaves this world, I will know I have done the best I could for my Mom. I truly hope the guilt eats up my sister, but at this point, I don't know if anything really fazes her anymore. She uses "baby talk" as a crutch/excuse to not deal with life. Background: Sis had a mild, and I mean EXTREMELY MILD stroke 8 years ago and has taken now to use "baby talk" all the time. Before anyone says, "Oh that could be a side effect from the stroke", let me tell you, when she is speaking to a stranger (or even some distant family members in a conversation) about something important, she very conveniently starts talking "normal" -- the baby talk disappears. Then she "catches" herself and reverts to the baby talk again. Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Keep playing up the "poor me" routine so you justify not talking, visiting or doing ANYTHING for our failing mother. Sis has been living with her adult single daughter since 2006 -- PRE stroke -- (when she was 52 years old) and uses this invalid "act" of hers to guilt others (especially her daughter) into taking care of her and not stepping up to get involved in our Mom's life/care. Yes, Sis drives herself when she wants to go somewhere, she can make and cook her own food, read books on her Kindle, watch TV, and then basically plays games on the computer all day long. Oh, but she doesn't have time to visit/call Mom 1/4 mile away. So, am I resentful? You bet I am! UGH!!

I've given up. The worst part is -- I am frustrated that I can't be happy knowing that I'M doing the right thing by Mom -- that's my mental anguish. Sick, isn't it?
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Unfortunately you can't do anything they have to want to. But in the end they are going to regret not being involved and don't be surprised if they blame you or your brother they have to justify their actions but in the long run they will find that it's not justifiable and guilt will consume them
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Marlexa, you are such a blessing! Do not risk your own health though, that is the last thing your mom or dad would want (me included) Take care of yourself first honey. That's what all moms and dad's want for their children, before they start going senile and lose their sence of judgement, if they live long enough. They will lose their sence of judgement and won't care, so care for yourself first!!! ... or you won't be there to care for them... Such a sweetheart you are...
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It hurts me to read this: other sibs just don't care. And it is true. My sibs live 2 hours away, other one lives 45 minutes away, other lives 10 minutes away. Everyone is busy with their lives,work, family. So, it is up to me to care for them although I retired due to severe medical reason. I want to do the best for them sometimes, I think I fall short due to my physical limits. But when they are gone, I will truly miss them but I will not feel guilty 'cuz I did my best.
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Awww... all you guys are breaking my heart!!!! My heart breaks for your parents and for you (((((hugs))))) Lost my mom this year, but I feel her with me everyday. My five brothers are/were wonderful, but my two older/crabby sister's wouldn't lift a finger to help in caring for my mom when she needed them the most. They will never speak with me again because I wouldn't change the "Depends" (We paid incredible people to care for her, my mom told me she wanted it that way) but I was there! My mom had so much dignity, never to be the bother, would never call anyone and would never ask for anything. I GET to live out the rest of my life, knowing I took the best care of mom with my brothers. When she could no longer walk or talk, I would whisper, in her ear the "sweetest, loveliest things a mother could possibly hear". My nasty sister's (who she doted on constantly) will suffer with terrible guilt the rest of their miserable lives. Who would you rather be??? Me or them?
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Well, maybe you could put together some sort of experience for everyone to attend. If it is an official function such as a surprise birthday party for mom, a family reunion, a St. Patrick Day party, a Mother's day party, etc. you would probably get a better response. Also, it doesn't have to be on the actual day if there are conflicts. If there are more people and more stuff to do they won't feel as trapped and may feel more obligated to attend. They might feel that there will be other people to talk to mom so it won't fall all on them.

Maybe it could be at a restaurant they really like. I bet your mom could perk up for that. A buffet can be a good choice. You can eat right away plus they know it is easier to leave a restaurant. I guess there is a question if they would come if it was pay your own way, but maybe you could find some specials or two for one coupons. If there are teens and kids try to think of a restaurant they would like or some kind of activity for them to adjourn to if bored. Or maybe they could just play with their phones. Some bowling alleys have restaurants. Maybe it could be a cookout near a lake and the kids could rent boats or watercrafts afterwards.

Try to have a reasonable time frame so it doesn't drag on, but have a draw to lure people in.

Also the trendy new restaurant or the restaurant overlooking a lake etc. could be fun. Try to think of something that as many people can enjoy as possible. Many people don't like to visit older people but most everyone likes to eat and have fun.
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I am the parent that three others do not care a bit about. Now hear my side. I don't care either. I have ONE child and appreciate that she and her family are more than willing to be with me, give me help, if needed and love me for who I am. The rest do not care and their day is coming. We are NOT young and beautiful forever and shopping at Nordstrum's. I think they will find this out all by themselves and also that there are some bargains at Target and Walmart. Treasure your time with your parents and if you don't, move on and get out of their way. This old lady just did the Zip line and am planning some other crazy bucket list things before I die. I believe in Auntie Mame's philosophy...."Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Bless those that help you and get over the others.
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There are doers and well, people who just don't. I am the former; I usually help others before I help myself!
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I have aunts and uncles that can't even pick up the phone and call her (when she once cared for them in their youth) and they call me and ask how she is. I just say "pick up the phone - she'd love to hear from you even for 5 min"; send a card, send an interesting article from her home town, send a picture or old pictures, at least she'd get something in the mail and hear from someone other than just me.
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So many of us in the same boat. My brother says its too hard to talk to mom. I tell him if that's the case, then please at least write a letter in large print or send a card or pictures every couple weeks. He does so, but infrequently. I find it frustrating but I can't force him. I think she knows he doesn't call, and I just tell her to call him - yet she says he doesn't answer. I make up excuses for him; simply because I know it hurts her that he doesn't visit or call.
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I agree with Trevor! Either a person cares or they don't!
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Heartbreaking, that's for certain. Mom's firstborn died of cancer 18 yrs ago [sis was 47] and my brother 3 yrs ago [55 yrs old]. There are 3 of us left - me and my 2 sisters. One hasn't called, not even for Mom's shoulder surgery, and now in a Rehab/NH. i doubt she called at Christmas - she lives 3 blocks from us. The other reluctantly visits Mom at the Rehab/NH - about 5 times since July.

i go every day, or at least 5-6 times a week. i'm still trying to get the basement flood reno finished and the house back in order. i've postponed my spinal nerve blocks because i don't have time. Yep, added pain, but they don't care about my physical probs either. i keep the one sis up to date [she is curt and short when i call] and even let mom use my cell phone at the Rehab/NH to call her. Sis sometimes cuts her off ['gotta go'] - or i know she lets it go to voice, even tho i told sis i'd have Mom call her [there's no phone service at the Rehab/NH]. So if Mom's depressed, in pain, out of her familiar surroundings, strangers coming and going -- how can she possible heal from her surgery? She's stopped eating, and ... not to hijack the thread, but the sis chastised me for Mom's lack of progress at PT. Mom's scared witless, i'm sure! i would be ... and she pines for my bro - an unnatural death. So when encouraging her to eat/drink - she refuses, is seemingly repulsed by food. She spits a small bite out right in my face, but when my sis shows up, she eats and swallows 3 small bites of a canned pear from the meal tray.

i bought her a yogurt/fruit parfait she said "you eat it.": i said - "i will, i bought two, so we could each have one. She ate 1 blueberry, but refused to go outside or get out of that bed. She needs the sunshine, too [it was a beautiful day, sunny, no wind].

So, i'll take the pain/emotional darts/insults if i must. i just wish sis would show up so Mom would eat ... even if it's 1/2 tsp of food.

But i've learned to not offer excuses to Mom: i'm not responsible for their choices. i try to steer the conversation [i'm grateful for the alert moments that she's not sleeping] into asking about PT, does she want to take a ride [wheelchair] to the community room [tv and company]. Although she declines activity, she will start to talk about the flowers i brought from the garden. i'm not sure if she forgot about asking about my sisters or not ... but she takes that angst out on me: i kiss her forehead goodnight, and she says she hates me. It won't stop me from visiting or loving her though.
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My view is your mother needs to contact the sibs and express her feelings. When situations are mute, it is very easy to misinterpret and distort feelings. Help your Mother to communicate her needs and wants to the sibs. No need for you to feel guilty, defend or spend time attempting to solve the problem.Let your MOM "guilt them" Encourage your MOM to step UP! Often times you have to dig to find gold.
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To" ilove mom2
I DID try to get the sibs together for an hour, several times, to talk about Mother's care and to facilitate exactly this kind of thing. NOT ONE OF THEM was interested. They wouldn't even take an hour to talk about her care. So, OK, I got the message. Even the brother with whom she lives with said that this kind of a mtg wasn't necessary. OK, well, he kind of IS in charge. Also, I know he doesn't want the rest of the sibs to know how much he bebfits financially from having mother lives with them. Personally, I don't care that she's paying the cable, gas & power bills. Also pays my brother for "chauffeuring" her. He deserves it. And none of the other sibs would care, either. But when even he said "nope" to any kind on "all hands" mtg, I knew not to pursue anything like a scheduled visitation routine. Good idea, for another family!!
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Wow-so many great answers, thanks you all. I am definitely not the only one with this family dynamic going on.
No, Mother NEVER initiates phone calls. I imagine she's called me 5-6 times in the past 10 years and ALL of those calls have been b/c somebody she knew had died. She doesn't call ANY of the sibs, not even the one she lives with!! She will literally wait for him or one of his kids to pop their heads into her place and then she says "Oh, while you're here..." I don't get it. If I need one of my kids, I call. I talk to each of my 5 kids once or twice a week and see the in-state ones as often as time allows--being "there" for their kids ( & my amazing grandkids is MY greatest joy in life!) and we travel each year to the ones who live out of state.
I do think that the out of touch sibs simply don't think. Mom was a really "uninvolved mother" and probably shouldn't even have had kids, she'd always been very self absorbed....and that has come back to haunt her. She wasn't a big part of our lives, growing up, and now she's sadly seeing the aftereffects. Her "favorite" kid was my oldest brother who passed away 2 years ago. She had not seen him for almost 12 years.
What I plan to do is simply go se her as I have been, do what I can and if the sibs care, they'll make an effort. The all DO feel guilty, but obviously not enough to do anything. I'm sure my youngest sister, who was AWOL while daddy was dying, will absolutely lose it when mother goes. You'd have thought she'd learn, but after using mother for endless loans and emotional support through 3 divorces and countless dramas, that she'd be more present. There's nothing to inherit, it having been squandered by the oldest and youngest kids, so after she passes, we'll just kind of split up what's left and move on.
Even knowing I am not the "favorite"--a stupid term, really, I know she loves me at some level...I feel a sense of duty and I do love this woman. I don't feel really connected to her, there's so much bad history and so much neglect from my childhood--that affects me to this day. I am forgiving her and trying to help her have quality of life. Not going to attempt to "guilt the sibs"...this really isn't my problem. If Mother won't call them, then she's 50% at fault.
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Hold a family meeting, that's what I did! Tell them the meeting is to devise a plan to help your brother, because the load is so uneven. Also tell them you'd like to figure out a plan to make the remaining time in your mother life as nice as can be for her. My siblings took turns (once a week) bringing over dinners to eat with her, we sat in the dinning room and made each meal special. The siblings may even come up with some great ideas themselves. Take notes and send out an email afterward so they don't forget. If they won't meet, then you will really know what kind of siblings you have, the rotten selfish type!
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You can't make anyone else do something; just like no one can make you do something. Please come to accept this & be at peace with it. It will make your life a whole heck of a lot less stressful.

I used to get annoyed when Mom talked about my siblings all the time -- those that visited & those that didn't. Then I found out that Mom was doing the same thing to all of them as well -- talking about the other siblings. We realized it was her way of contributing to the conversation & feeling like that she had some control over something -- anything -- even if it was just a piece of a conversation.

Let it go & try to enjoy the visits you have with her. Because there will come a time when you will wish you had just 1 more of those visits. Sending you thoughts of peace.
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Yes, suggest a nice potluck at Thanksgiving which is just around the corner. Then hold a family meeting about how she is declining. Talk about what the plans are for her, like acute care needs, burial, living will, advanced directives, & how they all feel about the last days.
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This way madness lies, Midkid. Stop trying. Forget it. Not your problem. You will, I promise you, go out of your mind not worrying, not criticising, not arguing but just wondering WHY your three siblings are oblivious to their mother. It'll drive you bananas. And there almost certainly isn't a real answer, just a vague jumble of self-justifications, procrastinations, alternative priorities, events, busy-ness, whatever. And at the end of it - they ignore her because they can.

My mother regularly asked me if I'd spoken to the younger of my brothers (right up until he started slipping her mind altogether, that is). Did I ever? Had we ever been ones to stay in touch? No. Daft question, really, but that didn't stop her asking.

I know it feels as if she cares more about the 'ones that got away' but honestly it isn't like that. It's just that she must feel their absence and it brings them to mind - you she can rely on, so she doesn't need to ask.

So, you can give her an honest but cheerful answer along the lines of "nope, no idea what they're up to - they're not great at staying in touch, I'm afraid."

Or, you can make it up: "Fred moved to Australia, Anne I'm not sure but I heard rumours about witness protection and Joe was last seen poking a bear with a stick." I'm not recommending this, by the way, unless it's for your own amusement.

Chin up. And recite into the mirror often: You Are Not Responsible For Other People's Behaviour.
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Hmmm....interesting! My brother and I care for my father...he 'always' asks us where his other son is....because he stopped coming over. I use to get upset and took it personally too. BUT, I learned that my dad asks for me, when I'm not around...my other brother when he's not around...so the point is...if your sibling was visiting your mom more often and you weren't....she would be asking them where you were!!! So, don't take it personally, I'm sure she loves you dearly!!
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Well, I tend to agree that you can't make them care, but I know it's terrible to see your parent so sad at not hearing from your siblings. We had a similar situations with my Dad. One brother made a point to call Dad every night, and that was a help, but the others...not so much. Once Dad was in the dementia care facility, it was difficult for even the one who called nightly to do that. So I started placing the calls for Dad. (Like the others mentioned, he was the type who would never have done it himself.) I would call one of my brothers just as I was getting to Dad's place. As I entered the room, I would greet Dad, and say "Hi Dad, Guess who just called to check on you. It's Denny. Here's the phone, why don't you tell him how you're doing yourself." Then I would go about getting us some coffee while Dad talked on the phone. The brother did not correct the impression that he had called, and Dad wasn't on-the-ball enough to realize that the call came from me, not to me. Sometimes as I was ending my visit with Dad, I would tell him that one of my brothers had been trying to call him, and we should check to see if the phone is working right; then dial their number and let them talk as I headed home. ...Sure it was all a little dishonest, and made the brothers seem more attentive than they were, but it made an old man feel better, so I was OK with that..
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