Four children in the family and I am the only daughter. Mom is 91 and still pretty sharp mentally. Two younger brothers live in the same town and are the primary care givers. They take care of her lawn, get her house cleaned and drive her to her appointments. Both sisters in law help,too. I live 500 miles away but stay with her when I am in town, usually every 6 weeks for about a week. During that time I give her mani-pedis, do major household tasks like washing windows and cleaning out the basement, painting and other spring cleaning types of tasks, cook her meals and stock her up with future meal options. I try to get her to go out from time to time, but her arthritis has become so crippling she's reluctant to leave her house. In the past 6 months her health has declined. She's lost weight, her eyesight is nearly gone, she's developed an infection in a finger from a burn a couple months ago,( doctor said he hoped he won't have to amputate it) and she's had two blood transfusions in the past 6 weeks. She wears adult diapers and has to be reminded to change them when they're soaking wet, has trouble setting the microwave time accurately, (ie;10 minutes instead of 1)and just rinses her dishes instead of washing them. The oldest brother visits once a year and has declared she's fine, that I'm not with her enough to know she needs additional home care and that the two brothers who are the primary care givers should decide. These two brothers are doing a good job, but missed the fact that her house was mice-infested until mom announced she may have eaten mouse poop in her cereal. I know I am not on the front line daily, but feel since I actually stay in her home when I'm there, I might be seeing more than they are. Or maybe as a woman, I'm looking at it from a different standpoint. Mom does not want anyone to come into her home to help except family. She gets depressed when I mention having someone come in from time to time to check on her. I don't know if I should gather home care information and call a family meeting (including Mom), or let the brothers who are really involved daily, make that decision. I feel totally out of my league here and hope someone else has dealt with this situation before. Thanks.
Sometimes those closest don't notice the decline and the need to be proactive. One thing that is not good, is that she does not change the depends until they are soaking wet. This could cause a urinary tract infection and these infections can be quite serious in the elderly. And your brothers and your mom I'm sure; don't feel comfortable addressing this problem with her.
After you discuss things with your brothers, talk to your mom and encourage her to hire some in-home care. My mother had caretakers in the home for a while and became quite friendly and attached to some of them. If you call an agency, they probably will just send someone over; but if you call Elder Services in your town, they might have suggestions as to people that they could refer to you on an individual basis and mom would have a chance to meet them and determine who she feels most comfortable with. I found that most people who work at these jobs to have an affinity for the elderly and enjoy working with them in the first place. Good luck. Take care.
Do explore what is available. If finances are an issue, look into what she might be eligible for. And while this is going on, Also document your specific concerns - the kinds of things you've shared with us. Then have the meeting with your brothers. The distant one can particpate by speaker phone.
My 92-year-old mother has severe arthritis and some mild confusion/memory loss. She lives alone. She, too, did not think she needed help, but this is what we arranged: Meals on Wheels. Homemaking services -- laundy, changing bed, mopping, etc. Weekly nurse visit to manage medications and take blood pressure. Kids do shopping, and drop in to play cards, etc. She is not incontinent but we recently found out she no longer bathes. That is our next topic to discuss.
All of you need to figure out what's best for Mom, and then figure out how to get her to accept it. Not easy!
Good luck.