vladius852 Asked November 2013
How do I get wife examined for competence without her knowing?
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I am not sure and the behavior indicates conditions worse then SHE thinks. need official examine to know .
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But you also have to realize that when you have a relationship with someone, and especially when this relationship involves a spouse, that you are more than someone looking in from the outside on a person with dementia or possible dementia, or any other disease for that matter. When you marry someone you're making a commitment to help that person through certain trials and tribulations. You can't just jump ship when your spouse gets ill, becomes disabled, develops dementia, etc. You might end up moving the spouse at some point to a nursing home, etc., for their own good so that they're taken care of, but that doesn't mean they're out of your life. Having a loved one with dementia can include mighty struggles and heartache and doubts and guilt and pressures. There are times you want it to end RIGHT NOW, and times you know you'll hurt so badly when that time comes that is does end. You also have days when your loved one is almost the person you knew "before", and you just know he or she is getting better (not). It can and will affect your own health, which means you have to take care of yourself also. It's not easy. And it won't get any easier. You just have to make decisions and do what is BEST for BOTH of you.
to answer one , no there is NO other mate /woman etc. But i have become mean and alittle destroyed in this so far. The daughter is not visitable and i cannot afford medical help or vacation or anything (salt water omg) that would help. Man up? your right .. The process is gonna be hard to assess her situation and then see what can be done. in answer to anothers question. I'm 48 she is 70.
the time we needed it. Two doctors who had been seeing my mom were very willing to write short letters to document her diagnosis and incapacity which the bank said was needed in order for me to sell her home - my childhood home - which I found to be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I never even had to tell her it was sold...that would not have been the right way to handle it in many situations, but I think it may have been the best choice in ours.
I do not think your daughter wants to lose both of her parents and she is probably at her wit's end trying to get you to take care of yourself. She probably does not think she would hold up any better than you in trying to take care of her mom and possibly she is just being realistic. I do not know if it would make anything easier, but please know that her dementia is not your fault, her "lying" isn't really lying but wishful thinking, and her fear of losing control is understandable. The chances of her becoming cognizant of what is wrong with her and becoming willing to accept help on that basis are slim and none. You cannot control that process. You can only decide to do what makes sense instead of being a passive victim, even if it is hard and uncomfortable.
Talk to your daughter. Listen to her advice. It may not be perfect and you may not want to do everything she thinks should be done exactly the way she thinks it should be done, but doing at least some part of it could get you out of the deep hole you are in. Or, if you simply can't do that, get an outside advisor, e.g. and eldercare attorney or other consultant, and go, with or without your daughter. Just doing what you are doing, seeing how bad things are and seeing they will get worse, and yet not really facing the facts about the situation head on is just a disaster in slow motion. I had to "put my big girl panties on" and you have to "man up," I guess that's the best way to put it!
In the doctor's office, could he do the evaluation on both of you, so she wouldn't feel singled out?
Please think of another plan besides dying to improve your life. You could get a divorce. Wouldn't that be better than dying? Is money a problem? I had a dear friend who lived contentedly at the YMCA for many years. If you were still alive but free and more relaxed, you would be able to help with her care without being destroyed by it.
Are you being treated for high blood pressure? Do you take all medications as directed? Are you eating well and getting some exercise? What are the doctor's instructions for when bp gets as high as it is now?
Do you think you might be depressed (in the clinical sense)? Saying that you long for one of you to die is what prompts this question. Depression is treatable -- usually with medication plus talk therapy. It might do you a lot of good to talk about your feelings with a caring professional.
Please, take care of YOU. You deserve it, no matter what lies ahead.
I think what you want is a thorough evaluation of your wife's health. I wouldn't refer to it as competency testing. That sounds like somebody is trying to declare her incompetent (or she might take it that way). Persons with early stage dementia are often not incompetent in the legal sense. There are other conditions that can cause erratic behavior that would not necessarily make her incompetent. Focus on the health aspects of the evaluation. You could explain that such an evaluation may uncover reasons for her forgetful spells (or whatever the main symptom is) and come up with ways to deal with it.
If your profile is correct your wife is 23 years older than you. My husband was almost 20 years older than I. This was not an issue or concern at all, until he really started to show his age. When one partner is suddenly "elderly" and the other is still actively in the work and social worlds, the difference is more apparent. Could any of what you are so worried and unhappy about be related to the age difference?
If your wife is not ready to consider a thorough health evaluation, what about marriage counseling? You are no longer happy together. She shows no desire for you. Even without any signs of declining mental health, your marriage sounds in trouble. Getting some objective professional outside help may do some good. And it may also be a way to confront mental health issues as well.
First, take care of yourself. You need it and you deserve it! Consider counselling, for your own emotional distress, and for the two of you as a couple. It would be good for your wife to have an evaluation, but that can wait while you work on getting yourself in better shape.
Best wishes to you.
I'd still talk to her doctor, or your own, about it. Partly to have your concerns on record, if nothing else. In her shoes, wouldn't you rather think that the doctor's an idiot than that your fears are correct and you're slowly losing your mind? You can tell that she must be worried, or she'd never have brought the subject up with her doctor as she did, let alone hint that she's aware of what's happening to her - but that's a long way away from being ready to face the frightening truth.
Hmmmm - I wonder if your daughter is posting on this forum???!! She's right, you know; at least to the extent that if you carry on as you are you're doing yourself and your wife no good in the long run.
Don't give up. Still don't pick fights with her, but tell people what's going on - her doctor, your doctor, any therapists you see for your own health care. Have you considered asking your daughter if she will accept POA for you? If you then become ill, she will be able to act in your place, which could include having the necessary confrontations to get your wife cared for. Of course I don't know what your daughter's feelings are towards her mother - it doesn't sound that promising at the moment - but it's clear she cares very much about you. If you want to stay with your wife, there are ways to make that happen and your daughter's not going to hurt you, is she?
I am the very last person in the world I would ask for relationship guidance, but meanwhile do you have friends, neighbours, anyone you could talk to about how you can get through a phase where you really can't like your wife much, even though you want to? If you didn't love her underneath, you wouldn't still be there. It would be so sad if that got lost because her dread, and her refusal to face up to things, got you both into a situation that nobody could ever manage.
She's afraid, and I don't blame her - it sounds as if she has a lot to fear - but that makes her a very difficult person to be around. Talk to her about other things, try to act normal, be nice even if you don't feel like it, see if you can get her to trust you to care about her. You're not being mean to her, you're desperately worried, I can see that; but leave it to professionals to give it to her straight. Then you can be there to help her deal with it, if that's good for you, without having been the villain of the piece.
It is not wrong to feel the way you do. The situation you're in is draining, frightening and depressing - but not hopeless. It will take time to change things, but getting the ball rolling will be a good start. Step 1 - ask for help. You only have to look around this forum to see that nobody can cope alone, and nobody gets everything right.
Good luck, please update x
Leaving will not absolve you of your responsibilities. It will just create more problems.
Do you have funds for assistive living? both of you need help and supervision at this point . How old are you both and is your daughter your only child. You both need to give POA to a third party that you trust. Are there other relatives who would step up? Your daughter sounds as though she would just dump both of you in a N/H.
The short answer is that you can't make your wife do anything she does not want to unless she is declared incompetent.
I won't write anymore now because you need to get yourself taken care of NOW and get away from the stress for at least a short while.
In your position, I think I would mention it to her doctor, say you're worried, and ask him to do some preliminary checks as part of her next routine medical exam. Then, if the doctor agrees that there may be a problem, you and/or her doctor can take it from there. Unless the "behaviour" you refer to is a serious issue, this can wait until it comes up as part of her ordinary health care schedule.
Don't get into a fight with your wife about it. Upsetting and counterproductive. And the idea of having her competence thoroughly examined without her knowledge is a (mildly distasteful, I have to say) pipe dream - you can't, or not unless she's so far gone she doesn't understand what's happening, in which case it's pretty much q.e.d. anyway.