kirahfaye Asked July 2020
Getting ready to move Mom into facility, any suggestions?
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Well, it seems the delays are finally (and suddenly) at an end. My mom is going to be admitted into the dementia ward at a nursing facility next week. As facilities go, it has a 4.5 out of 5 star rating and has gone through the pandemic almost unscathed. Strangely enough, to me anyway, they don't have a check list of what to bring to move her in.
She'll be sharing a room with one other patient (hoping that goes over well) and will be on palliative care. I'm not even sure how much room she has for clothing and such.
I know many of you have experiences the move-in, so I'd appreciate any help you can offer. Thanks in advance!
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If you are doing laundry bring enough clothes for however many days it will be between and 1 or 2 extra pair of pants.
If they are doing laundry Bring enough clothes for the week if they do laundry once a week. And an extra pair of pants or two.
Expect and do not be surprised if her clothing goes missing and or you see it on other residents. Clearly mark her clothes on the inner waistband. You can get name labels to sew in but for a lot of things when my Husband was in Respite I used a Sharpie Marker. It does not come out!
Bring anything that she currently holds dear to her. A blanket, a toy, a book....if she has a recliner that she is comfortable in I wold bring that for her, and it will be something she sees as hers.
Ask if she needs a dresser. Ask if she needs a bed. If you need a bed I would get an order from her doctor for an alternating pressure mattress. They will help prevent pressure sores as she declines. Or you can wait, it is a bed that Hospice will order when/if she goes on Hospice.
If you are providing incontinent supplies don't buy the expensive ones, hopefully they will check and change her often but your/her supplies may be "borrowed" for another resident. I would also provide creams, ointments that you have been using.
Ask if they are doing showers. Many places have stopped showers and are doing bed baths due to water droplet transmission of the virus. This would occur in a shower and in a warm moist environment. I would get a tear-less shampoo/body soap that they can use unless they provide those supplies.
And anything that is truly necessary that you don't bring can be provided later. I am guessing she will be close by so dropping off items will not be a problem if something is needed.
I don't think that you can depend on anyone to safety pin her clothes on, to much liability for the facility.
It sounds like she is scared. Do your best to reassure her that it is for the best and be excited about the roommate. She will look to you for how to accept this. It can be a wonderful thing for her if the facility is mindful in matching roommates. Have you asked them how they do this?
I have seen that the new resident gets stuck with the problem child and the family has to insist that they move their loved one. Remember that you do not have to accept that the roommate is a nightmare, your mom is entitled to a safe environment and has every right to be moved if they do try to stick her with the problem child.
I would point out all the benefits that she will have by living in a facility. Make sure you understand what is expected in the here and now. You have the power to set the atmosphere, don't ever cry in front of her or agree with how bad anything is. Tell her you will check it out and let her know what the outcome is. Encourage her to tell staff when she needs help or if something is wrong. Encourage her to utilize the services that she is paying for.
Trust your instincts when she complains or if you see something amiss. It is always okay to ask questions and expect answers, if you are ever made to feel like you can't then you will want to pursue that attitude up the chain of command.
This is going to be one of the hardest things that you have ever dealt with. Do not beat yourself up, do not second guess your decisions, do not buy into any guilt and most of all - be kind to yourself to get through the new normal of life.
There were certain products that she liked and gave her a feeling of familiarity (noxema, vasaline body lotion) that I brought and asked the caregivers to use with her. We also put a small bookcase in her room with her favorite books in it. She was a real reader and in the beginning still read. Later, she took pleasure in seeing the books.
The suggestion of new day dresses is a good one. Especially if you can get them before she moves and she gets used to them. Eventually my mother no longer wore pants but only soft day dresses.
I also had a little snack box with the rice crackers she liked and peanut m-n-ms. (Treats that were not available there.)
I got a lanyard so that she could wear her phone around her neck. It made a difference to her to have her mobile phone easily accessible. I made sure that the important numbers were on it.
Having her purse was very important to her. I made sure there was a little money in it ($20) because it made her feel like she was still in control of her life. It was also important when she needed to go to the doctor or hospital to have her insurance card there. It was surprising how much having her purse was to her.
Initially I found that I took too much. We both had to adjust to her having less of her personal things. I tried to find things that gave her Memories of her life, some engagement with the world, and a feeling of being nurtured.
I am a caregiver and based of my experiences, some clients preferred bigger space so that they could bring “lots” of personal belongings, however most of the clients themselves realized later on that was actually the least they needed. We once had this client who complained how tiny his room was, so his family decided to move him to another assisted living with has a much bigger space which was able to hold most of his material possessions, however, before he moved out, he started to realized a lot of things...
His room may not be big enough but everything was within his reach, he loves the food, he enjoys our company, he was spoiled and was well cared for. He was hesitant and sad to leave—when he used to be in our care, there were a lot of times he doesn’t even pay much attention to his clothing (as long as it doesn’t have holes and clean) and barely watched tv because his just content sleeping or seating on his recliner after his daily exercises. He was a great guy.
I know I explained like I’m running in circles but the bottom line is bring only what is necessary and update her wardrobe whenever its needed (We have a patient who is on hospice and for me I think that she has a decent amount of clothing such as, pants, t-shirts, sweaters, socks—her diapers are for free—her family would call to asked if she needed a wardrobe update) do not bring something that she’ll no longer be able to enjoy and appreciate, in places like skilled nursing, the top priority is nutrition and “personal” care. If you feel like you are missing something don’t hesitate to asked the facility what else do they think will be necessary for you to bring.
I don’t know if that makes sense...
Mom was sad but understanding about it yesterday and this morning. She's been having several good days without pain in a row so she has no memory of how bad her pain is and certainly doesn't remember when she gets verbally abusive or pulls her pants and Depends off with her door and drapes wide open.
She is oddly unhappy that there will be men there, both patients and staff. She was a beautiful woman who got both wanted and unwanted attention in her youth and still looks good considering her age and what she's going through. She's made some false claims about male family members so I should probably make the admissions or nursing coordinator aware of that.
Lastly, while most of her "jewelry" is costume, she does have some pieces that mean a lot to her and have some value (wedding rings in particular). What suggestions do you have regarding those. I've tried assuring her that this is the top rated facility in the state so they aren't going to put up with thievery (or harassment from men), but what should we do with her rings and bracelets?
I appreciate everyone's continued input and support. It's difficult for family and friends to understand why it's come to this. Those who live in our household understand, but I'm already getting the "so-and-so took care of aunt Sadie to the day she died" comments.
Skilled facilities has specific rules they follow as per state’s regulation when it comes to handling material possessions. Depending on your Mom’s preference, she could either entrust her jewelries in the facility’s care, keep it to her room’s closet or drawer in a safety deposit box with password or keep it somewhere else not within the facility. It’s up to her.
Our admin/licensee will usually lists material possession that we will be in our facility’s care; the admin will then keep it into safety. The same thing when the client prefers to keep it in their room. Things of expensive, sentimental or important values, if possible, should not be placed in her room, especially if she’s worried that it will might get stolen. It is a sure situation that different personnel might enter her shared room.
About the male staff concern, you can asked the facility if its possible that a female CNA/caregiver will assist her with daily personal care, if that don’t work, there are third parties who offers in home service, these people are called home-aides. You can also hire a personal caregiver that will be there on a day to day basis. Depending on your mom’s finances, health insurance and/or circumstances you might be able to get her a female aide or caregiver. As for the entire male staffs, you might wanna explain to her that it cannot be helped since some clients needs lifting plus that’s part of the facility’s equal oppurtunity employment regulation.
I also remember that we have a client who refuse male caregivers. Eventually she was able to adjust but it took her some time. Perhaps, you might be able to advised her to give them a chance, and give it some time so she could adjust. If in the future that things didn’t work out for her, you might wanna try again and find her a different place...
I believe that you are on the right path on this. It’s “safer” and practical for her and for you.
I'd check with the rep about what to send with her. They'll tell you what she needs. The staff moved my LO in for me. I left the hospital with my LO and arrived at dinner time at the MC. They greeted us in grand Downtown Abby style, gathered her in a wheelchair, got her things out of the car and unpacked her while she had dinner in the dining room and I signed paperwork in the office.
When, I went to her room, they had unpacked her things, hung up her pictures and placed her things on the nightstand. They provided all the furniture. All we needed were her clothes and personal items.
My LO adored her first roommate at MC. She was not as progressed with dementia as my LO and she told me she would take good care of my LO. And, she did. She was under a delusion that my LO was her little sister. She was so protective over her that it later caused a few problems, but, they worked it out. Other times, the roommate was not good fit and they simply switch rooms. They know how to work out the personalities.
What my LO needed and still needs, are comfortable stretch pants. They need to be large and sturdy enough to endure hot dryers and lots of washes. Comfortable pullover shirts, Lots of socks. Comfortable shoes that are easy to get on and off, preferably two pair; Depends, see if facility will provide; Mild lotion or body cream, Vasoline, tooth brush, tooth paste, oral rinse, comb, pictures of family and herself to hang on wall. Something bright and cheery for the walls, like a wreath. a nice comforter, that can withstand washing and heat, comfy favorite pillows. And, any other things she likes, like dolls or fidget toys. I'd see if they already have a tv in her room. My LO wasn't that into tv anymore, but, I got one for her anyway, just in case. OH, LABEL all items with her name or initials. I did that with a sharpie. I also took photos of everything that I took in. Things can get mixed up. No one's fault.
As my LO became more progressed and in bed, I took her multiple pillows of varying size and texture to help position her in ways to keep her more comfortable. I regularly supplement those. She always liked her specialty pillows.
I think clothing will be a big issue. I've allowed her to get away with wearing her (cleaned) stained and oversized old clothing for the past year or so because she's comfortable in it. I doubt they will want (or allow) the safety pins she uses to keep her clothes from falling off (or falling apart.....).
Any other suggestions, friends?
When a friend went to rehab, I went to Land's End and bough on sale inexpensive pull on pants for her. Tools that button are probably better than pullovers. Sweaters and other layers are great because elders always seem to be cold.
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