Grief, exhaustion, anger, guilt. Any advice?

You bluntly tell Mom you can no longer help her. One because of husbands head injury and another you no longer can lift. You would be glad to find someone she could pay to keep the property. When she says she can't afford it, then tell her what Dad said. He didn't expect her to keep the house. Maybe get her closer to you. This is what I worried about when we had Mom. I was 64 and he was 66. I was afraid something would happen where we would never enjoy our retirement.

JoAnn, thank you. I guess I have been beating around the bush about it with her, hoping she could come to the decision that it isn't fair to expect this out of us. It hasn't happened in 9 years........ it probably won't. Today on the phone she was complaining about insurance, property taxes, propane costs. I said have you given any more thought to moving into an apartment? She became irritated and again said why do people keep telling me that I need to move. I said I didn't tell you to move, I asked if you had thought about it. She changed the subject. I need to sit down and tell her in person where it is harder for her to avoid the conversation.

Weese - You have to change your view of your mother and your relationship with her. That's easy said than done. Answer these:

Since she's your mother, you think you have to do anything and everything she wants to keep her happy at any expense. Why?

Since she's your mother, she's entitled to run and ruin your life. Why?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you don't do what she wants and she's not happy?

If your mom didn't have you (you weren't born, or you live in another state/country), what would your mother do?

Would your mother demand a nice lady living next door to do all these things for her?

If you were that nice lady living next door, would you do those things?

You have to stop thinking of her as your mother and you as her obedient daughter. You have to think of yourself as an adult mature woman who is her own person and who has a life and responsibility to her own family, and your mother as another adult who should take responsibility for her own life and her own choices.

I like Polarbear's questions. Maybe the very next conversation you have with her has to go something like this:

Mom: "I want to continue devouring your life."

You: "NO."

All others echo the same advice I would suggest. Her personality is such that she sees no problems with the sacrifices you are making for her which is terribly wrong. It is time to give the ultimatum that this heavy involvement on your parts is stopping now. She should show some care for your well beings but is in a place where she isn't. Therefore you need to show yourselves that care and state you absolutely will not continue the present situation as it is greatly affecting your lives adversely.


affect

I am probably not in a great position to give advice (I joined this forum just this week because I am a 35 year old whose mother in law is similarly foisting her life upon ours), but as someone with similar health problems (you have lupus, I have RA... you have disc issues, I have ankylosing spondylitis), I wanted to point out that you cannot reasonably continue to do those things long term if you hope to avoid flares and injuries and live the long and robust life you still have ahead of you. You know by now that autoimmune disease flares can be triggered by stress, let alone the kind of work it takes to maintain and repair two homes. I have been thinking a lot lately (in the context of my own newfound situation) about the concept of sacrifice and the concept of quality of life. The quality of life benefits your mom gets out of continuing to live in a large house she doesn’t really need is not proportionate to the sacrifice you are making of your time, sanity and health. The net quality of life sum here is a large deficit for you and a marginal gain for her. The two do not balance.
Change is hard. But find mom a smaller place. She will adjust. Gentle hugs to you for your lupus.

If I am doing the math correctly, your Mom is mid-80s or so.

It’s possible that some [SOME] of her defensiveness and resistance to change is the onset of dementia.

For many, the early signs are: black-and-white thinking; diminished ability to reason; decreased executive function.

This early haze is difficult for us adult kids to suss out. Especially if parent has always been self-centered, eccentric, bombastic or demanding.

Oh - it’s also difficult for us adult kids to suss out because we are not neurologists.

Do you have medical & financial POA? If so, you have authority for next steps if Mom is medically unable to live at home. (This includes being able to manage Mom’s $ and sell her property.)

POA is a huge responsibility, and it can be a burden. But.

If Mom does not deem you worthy of being POA, you are (essentially) an unpaid chorehorse.

I can relate. Been there, done that. My schedule/travel was not as brutal as yours. But I, too, spent a significant % of my free time and mental resources co-living Mom’s life. All the while, I was not POA.

The very things I did for Mom (shopping, yard work, chores, supervising her check-writing) became the things that barely got done at my house. Mom had other options. But I let my heart rule my head.

And Mom fueled the fire with outsized intractability. Which was, in hindsight, an early symptom of you-know-what.

The ‘good daughter’ narrative is strong. It’s also (frequently) a red herring that masks fear, co-dependency and “not wanting to look bad.”

Weese, you can change this. You can back off. You can set boundaries. It will feel soooo uncomfortable (at first) that you might be tempted to revert to your current grind. Don’t!

Put head before your heart. Prioritize. Get tough.

It doesn’t mean you love Mom any less. It means you are exercising your right to honor yourself and take care of yourself. You matter, too. (((big hugs)))

You’ll keep mom, that is if she’s mentally in any kind of place of understanding. She’ll be capable of seeing that you’re in no way able to continue to do this. Please don’t spend so much time explaining and coming up with reasons, more we won’t be doing it anymore. If she’s not mentally in a place of understanding you can’t fix that by killing yourselves keeping up her property

My parents moved 4 doors down from my husband & I while they were in their 60s. Our neighborhood has 1-acre lots in Florida where everything grows like weeds. Now they are 77 and 80, and Dad has been in memory care for 2 years. Mom refuses to move to an apartment, says she will "die in that house" but complains incessantly about caring for the house, paying bills, etc. She doesn't even venture out into the yard and sits all day with the curtains drawn shut. My husband and I work full time+. We tried at first to help her keep up with the yard but I was run totally ragged trying to care for our property and hers with my one day off work per week. I finally got her to hire a lawn care service (she complains about them). She's also tried to guilt me into coming over to clean her house but, again, I can barely keep up with ours. It makes me angry because she sits and wallows in self-pity 24/7 while the house is going downhill. I CANNOT WAIT TO STICK A FOR-SALE SIGN IN THAT YARD and I resent that my parents moved almost next door to me and now she refuses to downsize when it is so obviously what needs to happen. You need to tell your mom you cannot do it anymore.

This is crazy! My mum was expecting the same deal. Although she expected me to move 700 miles so I could keep her yard as she ages. She expected me to retire at 50 or 55 and move so I could be her assistant. We don't get along. I hate cutting my own yard. I don't understand how our parents think we will or want to give up years and years to live their life. I would never expect my children to give up their life to live mine. I hope to be visited and checked on, but not hovered over. There is a point where our parents need to downsize and then consider long term care. I'm in my 40's and I'm already thinking about senior living, AL, and NH....when its time. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I want my mum to be safe and well cared for.....I know I could not do a proper job.

Weese1,
You wrote a novel explaining all your reasons to quit taking care of the country place. You should never feel so defensive! You are right!! The only reason you need is that it's not your home, or your life. ITS HERS! You should copy this forum post to a printable word document, and take it to her to read. If she has her senses about her, she will cease to make the takeover of your life an expectation. I hope she has the resources to hire help for all the chores and duties a country life requires. If she doesn't, maybe a young family member hankering for the lifestyle could come in and pick it up. If not, her only choice is to sell the country estate and downsize, to make her life manageable by HER. Good luck and know that you are deeply heard.

Weese,

It appears that you may be too close to the situation to see clearly, and would need advice and much support to get through this with Mom.

You and your husband could be in perfect health, have a professional landscaping business yourselves, and STILL be justified in NOT doing THE LIST.

Tell MOM that you are going to honor your Dad's instructions to you about Mom.
That when she needs to downsize and move, you will be there for her, helping to hire movers, etc.

Tell Mom that you can help her find a handyman/gardener to help her from now on.

No more guilt, where is that coming from anyway? Caregivers here can support you through this!

May your heart be lifted up and less burdened soon.

P.S. When I posted this earlier, I did not see the many good answers and support already given.

Now I can say, that I too can no longer "volunteer" my hubs to do things for others because of his health. And, that even though we were volunteering as a team, I should have never asked him because he could not say "No".

Now, I must learn to stop, ask myself first, "what if I did nothing about (a certain issue) having to do with the neighbors or family." That is when I am going to be able to better prioritize our needs vs. their needs.

Re-reading all this great advice! I wanted to add that one thing that might be good is to help her line out a basic budget. How much is coming in, how much is going out. Compare it to a basic budget should she choose to downsize. Be sure to add to the budget all the yard care, home repairs, etc. NOT assuming she can get that FREE from YOU. Add in moving expenses, so that she knows a mover will do the packing. She might be freaking about the details of boxing up her life. Maybe looking at it all in black and white will get her to start making steps toward sensibility.

It sounds as though you need to join the dots for your mother.

She asks: "why do people keep telling me I need to move to town."
She sympathises with your difficulties.
Then she adds to the To Do list.

Only Connect, Mother!

Seriously, draw her a picture. Sit down with the to do list and her at her kitchen table. Draw a timetable of the various items. Ask her how she thinks these tasks are going to get done, given that the "staff" are approaching retirement age themselves and have worries of their own.

But first of all, think about where she might go so that you have some attractive options ready for when the penny drops.

You need to do this so that you can go on loving her. Don't get resentful, and don't assume it will go badly - why shouldn't all be well when everyone wants everyone to be okay?

Thank you all for your help! I seriously needed to hear this. I always try to reason it out with "supporting evidence". I need to treat this summer just like I did last summer. I didn't give her fifty reasons why I couldn't be there when my husband was injured and I didn't feel guilty for taking Monday's to care for myself either. My husband, through the worst of his brain injury kept telling me to go home early on Sunday nights and take care of me for 24 hours so I didn't get sick. He empowered me then and I just need to keep the momentum! So glad I found you all here yesterday, thanks again to all my new peeps!!

New here. Just had to chime in.
We are accustomed to dealing with our parents as full-fledged responsible adults. It's hard to pinpoint when they stop being that. Dementia is hard to tell apart from plain old stubbornness.
(My own mother, 92, and my father -who died in 2004- had a deep wish to not be a burden to their three daughters. They bought LTC insurance and downsized. Mom is now in Assisted Living and remains Adult enough to know it was the right move to make.)
I think it's important to have a one-on-one conversation in person and stress your relationship. When Mom was insisting on trying to balance her checkbook every month, even though she kept a huge balance and I kept an eye out online, we would have our long-distance conversations almost entirely about money. Not much personal. It was not fun and it was hard. I complained to her about the way she kept her checkbook and tried to give her tools to make it all easier. Usually there was balance; when there wasn't, oh, my! But she would say, It's working fine; I would say, THIS in not "working." I kept at it for a long time until finally, in person while visiting, I told her, I can't do this anymore. It's too stressful and we don't get to enjoy each other. There's no need for it. **We are not going to do this anymore.**
She accepted this, and she realized I was right. When it was time for her to stop driving, we did a cutback first (only to church on Sundays), knowing that she would feel increasingly uncomfortable driving to the point that she would give it up. And that is what happened.
My mother has been willing to move, twice now - very unlike your tough situation. My point is to stress "the importance of the personal relationship" in order to break through the obstinance.
It also helps to put yourself in your mother's shoes. She would be giving up what she knows. Change is daunting at her age, and frightening for anyone who is hanging on to bits and pieces of his or her formerly adult, full-brained life. Also, I think a lack of empathy starts to grow as one gets really old. The world shrinks and pretty soon it's "all about me." The imagination is insufficient to even think about being someplace else.
Be kind - but be firm about what you are willing to do. When she talks about the issues/problems she wants you to tackle, bring up your own issues. Bring up things that widen her world again. Ultimately, you do have to say no, and stick to it. Allow her to save face in your conversations about these matters, too. Example: Tell her you've not done a good job keeping her up-to-date on your own goings-on and how much her household maintenance has affected you and your husband, and in fact you hadn't quite come fully to grips with this yourself till recently. Continuing: We can't change what's past but we do need, the both of us, to see our way forward. Etc. Etc.
Plan out some steps - bit by bit, inch by inch. Don't overwhelm yourself with the huge thought of oh my goodness what am I going to do. Tell her when you will be visiting and what you two will be doing - out for lunch?, a bit of shopping? Another visit, perhaps have a yard/property service come out and meet with the two of you. Let her hear about the cost. Talk about the prospect you yourself might have to hire things out.
Remember also that you are trying to what is best for her, not just for you.

Why on earth are you falling for that handy-man schedule deal? You may have obligations to care for aging parents, but certainly not for bricks and mortar, lawns and shrubs. The elder who wants to stay in their home has the obligation to either do the necessary upkeep, pay for it to be done, or to change their living situation.  This is THEIR obligation, not their kids'. After all, it is their failing health that is the problem and they need to own the reality. There is simply no obligation to ensure that elders do not have to face unpleasant realities.  Your answer can be "I no longer am willing to spend my time and energy on that. Too many other priorities."  They don't like it?  Well, that's life.

Excellent advice given already, so my contribution is: Maybe the main reason she doesn’t want to move is because that means her husband and the life they had is officially gone? Even though it’s been years since he passed, moving would make it “real”.

Tell Mother that she can stay in the home as long as she can afford to hire people to do the necessary work.

If she hasn't the funds, then tell her she has to move.

My father cried the day I told him he had to move to my front yard - he bought a new mobile home and within 24 hours he was thrilled that I made him move.

Does the way the house sits on the property make it absolutely necessary maintain the entire property & do all this work? My FIL died this summer, owning quite a few acres. My husband only keeps a very small perimeter maintained around the home for my MIL, age 81. There will be no taking care of the numerous fruit trees which is a HUGE change for my MIL. It means no canning for her, which she loves & has done her entire life! I’m sad for her, but it’s impossible to maintain everything for two families. If the entire property must be maintained, just let her know you can’t do it anymore, that she’ll have to hire someone. Stick to it, even when you see her “struggling & sinking”. Even when you feel horrible about it! If she’s in her right mind, you can NOT make her move.

who's going to do all the work when you or husband get sick? Keep pushing and that will happen. (One of the ladies who is now one of my Mom's caregivers cared for her Mom for 20 years then had breast cancer followed by heart attack - was told by Dr. she couldn't take care of Mom - so Mom went to sister's) If Mom can afford help fine - if not making the move sooner rather than later will be easier.

My gosh! Your story is overwhelming, even to me! I think the key phrase is that your mom's lifestyle was THEIR choice, not yours or your husband's. It sounds like you have indeed tried to let her know options and how you are feeling and that the weekly grind is now compromising your own health and the health and welfare of your family. If she cannot hire someone to help her out for a few hours a week, even with your help financially, then, as much as you loved your dad and her, her selfishness and/or fear is something you need to definitely address. Is there a "senior peer-counseling" organization in your area that could send someone out to sit and talk with her? Is there a possibility that she has the beginnings of a form of dementia? How is her overall health? I only ask this because I made the mistake of allowing my husband to influence my financially disastrous decision to stay in a Sr. Housing community we truly could not afford because it was "familiar" and he could no longer drive as he was descending into dementia. I am now having to file bankruptcy four months after his death, and had to move into a small shabby apartment. But the main issues here are you and your family's wellbeing and that you, in the kindest way possible insist that your mom modify her life at this point. Perhaps finding a nice little place where she could garden? I send you wishes and hugs. 🌻

What I see in your post is you’d like your mother to see the burden she’s placing on you and make it easier on everyone. If she hasn’t seen the light in 9 years, you’ll never get her to cooperate. I moved my mother near me 16 months ago. Things have only gotten worse. It’s like she wants to punish me for making her leave her house and former life to live in a “prison”. I visit or call her every other day and all I get is verbal abuse. I ruined her life, took away everything that meant anything, and failed her somehow. There was no trickery involved in her moving, we had many long talks about the positive things. Apparently they were things only I appreciated. What I didn’t realize then was she would never compromise. She wanted everything her way. She’s 95 years old and I really thought she would try to meet the other people in her complex, that she wouldn’t be alone anymore. No! She sits in her prison day after day, hating everything and everyone. If I could go back in time, I would hire people to keep her in her home. No matter what the cost, it would have been a better choice for me. She is sucking the life out of me. Hire help and let her live by herself, in her own happy little world. There are some people out there that will never compromise.

I can totally relate to this from a different angle. My Dad and his wife live on 14 acres that require a lot of maintenance. Snow removal in winter, mowing and trimming in spring and summer, leaf removal in fall. It's a never ending cycle. The entire family has been begging them to move for years. All of us live 3 hours from them and we've talked to them about moving closer to us. Dad was willing to do it but his wife said absolutely not. His wife is angry because none of his kids come up to help them, but all of my brothers work 60 hours a week and I work full time and take care of my mom. We simply can't help them run their farm. Because of that she has deemed his children and grand children worthless and tells him so all the time. Now he's in assisted living and she's trying to do all the upkeep herself and she's simply not capable of doing it. She is in poor health herself and yet, she refuses to move to a smaller place or into assisted living with him. There is nothing we can do about it, and yet we are vilified (by her) because of their choices.

First of all, before you do anything else get a Power of Attorney on your mom, also a POA for medical/health care. Explain to her that you need this just in case she ever gets sick and is in the hospital and you have to make decisions for her care. Also in case you would need this so you can pay her bills and take care of anything she wouldn't be able to do until she returns home. You need this as soon as possible because if she ever started to show signs of Dementia/Alzheimer's it might be too late.  My brother and I went to an elder attorney about my parents trust (father passed) and our mother future care if needed. He stated that if she is diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer’s by that time it shows up it mostly is too late for you to get a POA, that she could be declared incompetent to sign legal documents. Luckily, for us we had gotten a POA two years prior of my dad’s passing and before my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s on both of our parents. My dad had the forethought of getting all affairs in order just in case something happened to them.
 
If your mom does have start of Dementia/Alzheimer's then most of what everyone says will not work. They no longer have any reasoning skills. Then use your POA and get her into an assisted living place or memory care center if she needs extra care.

If she does not have Dementia/Alzheimer's I feel for you in what you are going through, and I hope you can get your mom to understand what is happening in your life. Explain to her that you are having to put your family first since your husband is unable to do some things around the house and it is just too much for you both to maintain two households. Tell her that you will not be able to come out every week, maybe every two weeks, but as hard as it is do NOT do any work at her place. If she gives you a list hand it back and tell her you are not going to do them or can't do them anymore.  Get estimates with your mother present for the cost of maintaining the yard and trimming of trees, etc. every week, and then get an estimate for someone to come into her home to clean, do laundry and run errands such as, etc., once she sees the cost of those things she may really consider moving. You may have to give her some tuff love and tell her if she doesn’t want to hire for these tasks then she will have to start doing them herself.   
 
Don’t asked her but make up an excuse and just take her to apartments, town homes, assisted living facility, whatever is in your area or close to your area and talk them up to her. Then maybe take her to lunch or dinner and talk what the good that could come from her moving there and how her life would improve and how you and your family could enjoy visiting her instead of working and never really visiting. Speak about your daughter (or bring your daughter with you) how she also wished that she could just enjoy visiting grandma instead of working at her place.  Maybe your daughter (or you) can say to her that she would love to go to movie with grandma, but all her time is spent working. Maybe mention that your dad wouldn’t want her to maintain all of that but would want her to enjoy life. Tell her what your dad told you, that he wanted to make sure that your mom moved somewhere smaller.   
 
If she refuses to move then as hard as it is you will have to take the hard road and say no that you will not be coming out and working and you have to stand firm. Only go out there every other week just to check on her, but do NOT do any work. 
 
If she stays there and you find she is unable to do everything and doesn’t want to pay to have it done, now you can use your POA and tell her you are moving her to where ever and you can put the house up for sale and use the funds for your mothers care. She may be upset with you and fight you every step of the way, but once she finds how easier her life is, and how much she enjoys your company, eating out, etc., she will get over it.

i hate to say this but until your mother’s health gets to the point that she has to be hospitalized, you are stuck because I had parents like you described. They start pulling on you like they have forgotten that you too are aging and have health issues. They do not want to go to a nursing home and my Dad wouldn’t let us get Mom in one saying he would rather be dead than in a nursing facility and that Mom felt the same! I just stood there looking at them. Mom was in a hospital bed in the living room immobile and having to wear diapers by then and could only eat puréed food. She got so bad that she went to the hospital and they sent her to “rehab” and that is how we got her placed in the facility going around Daddy! They are clinging to their home and cling to their kids to make sure they can stay in their homes with no regard for their kid’s health. They become selfish.

Be honest and tell her you can’t keep up the pace. Remind her of your husband’s injury. Tell her she’s going to need to hire a handy man. If she has the finances , maybe give her an option of moving to a small senior apartment complex closer to you if she is capable of living alone. If not an assisted living facility.

We just went thru this with my mom. She’s still mad about it but truthfully, I have multiple health problems and she simply wasn’t safe living alone . She was literally killing me.

Just tell your mother, honestly, that you CANNOT be the caretaker of her 15 acres any longer. Period. She can either hire someone or move, her choice. Easier said than done, I know, but in the end, what matters is that YOU *and hubby* are happy and healthy and that SHE is safe. If you or your husband go to an early grave, God forbid, your mother winds up suffering as a result. If she's defensive about it, that's unfortunate........but she'll get over it! I seriously doubt you will 'lose' your mother over telling her you're too old and tired to take care of her 15 acres.

Best of luck!

Somehow this has to end. It’s too much work. I hope you, me and all the rest of us can find a way to do what is best for everyone. Usually doesn’t work that way, in a tug of war, there is a winner and a loser. Sometimes there is no room for compromise. We are parenting them now, and just like they did things we didn’t like when we were kids, but did it for our benefit, now we have to do the same for them. They can no longer do things for themselves and we are exhausted!

Some, bordering on most, elders don't like change. This makes it challenging for the adult child. I had to leave my own home to move in with my late mother. Not exactly easy!