I'm looking for ways to relieve my guilt for not wanting to visit my 77 year old mother. I've been feeling down for several days wondering what I'm going to do with her when she can no longer live alone. She called me yesterday and said that she spends all her time alone and it will happen to me too. That's EXACTLY what my fear is and she knows how to get to me. I'm an only child with very little family and she yells at me like a child. She also said my counselor isn't good for me. I don't need nor want her advice about anything. Most of my life, she didn't have time for me or my kids. She had a gambling problem and didn't invest in relationships. She guilts me in to visiting her even though she manages to go where she wants. She's cruel and insulting and my mind is on overload.
The plus is that you ARE aware of what you need and want: to be / stay health yourself and not be ... pulled into a destructive pattern of her behavior / situation. which could be a life-long.
You mother will say whatever she 'believes' will affect you - for her to get what she wants - no matter the (emotional or psychological) cost to YOU.
She is solely focused on her own needs, along with her fears of being alone, and declining. This is understandable and you do not need to be 'in the line of fire.'
Of course she may say your therapist isn't good for you ... because your behavior may tell her that she isn't getting her needs (fears) met.
Yelling is not and should not be acceptable / accepted.
Tell her this next time it happens: "If you continue to yell at me, I am leaving (or hang up the phone). This behavior is unacceptable.
In other words, set boundaries with her.
If and when you are triggered by her (which is understandable, step back. Breathe. Take time to process how you feel (being triggered).
KNOW and reinforce within yourself I DESERVE better.
- Take these time outs (leavve for a few minutes to the entire day)
- Realize that she cannot guilt you; you allow it. This is why you need time outs to interrupt your automatic response. Try it. (No one can guilt you if you do not allow it and it will take training in 'self-care' for you to realize this. Only YOU can change YOU.
Expect she will keep going with the insults, lack of respect, etc.
This is her MO. It has worked for her - perhaps all her life - with you (and others). She doesn't know to behave in any other way(s) - to get her needs met and manage her fears and anger.
You can practice compassion for an/other 'from a distance,' and that includes setting boundaries. You are NOT responsible for how another responds to your boundaries and self-care.
Lastly, know she is doing what she can and feels she needs, whatever her mental dysfunction is.
Congratulations on taking these first steps by writing us here.
Remember: You Matter, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
It sounds like your mother has a history of manipulating you and knows just how to pull you in to her trap. And, you continue falling for it because you have been conditioned by a selfish mother who will do anything, hurt anyone, to get her own needs met.
There is NO reason for you to feel guilt about not wanting to visit her. Your body and mind are trying to protect you from more abuse.
There is no universal rule which says you must visit your mother; you must have a good relationship with your mother. You do not. If you don't wish to visit, you don't have to. Block her phone calls, or let them go to voice mail. If it is not important, delete her messages without responding.
Your counselor isn't good for Her. Have your counselor help you to write a letter to your mother outlining the reasons why you do not wish to have a relationship with her. Send it to her. It may help to alleviate the pent up resentment you are suffering from. You want to tell her how you feel. Do it. Then, stop taking her calls, stop visiting, live your life. If she shows up at your doorstep, DO NOT LET HER IN! She will continue the abuse, and will never leave!
Perhaps... Ask yourself what life will be after she passes? What do you imagine you will feel like if...? Perhaps work with your counsellor on the so-called "grief" now. Figure out what is really driving your guilt - which needs to disappear/ be burned/ thrown away.
Try calling her by her given name, in your head, to her face. She is no longer your mother (if she ever really took care of your emotional state). Declare she has no power over you except what you give her (talk to your counsellor about that).
IF you can emotionally separate - change your state of mind about your relationship with her, you may be able to stay POA. It is YOUR state of mind that is important. If you are able to build the mental bulwark - go for it, otherwise find a third party that handle POA stuff.
I "broke" with my mother when she was 50. We were equals/friends after that. She died last year at 85 and the last couple years were a roller coaster of anger and sweetness from her. In good moments she would say - when did the parents become the children? And she would "obey" me even if she didn't like it (when yelling might happen LOL). I had changed my relationship with her. My dad is still in 24x7 care in his home and he funds me visiting for half the month so I can care for the house and change care as necessary etc. Only recently has he begun to say "thank you" for the work I put it (been 1/2 time in his home since Dec 2021). One sister is not involved at all and the other just once in awhile. I'm lucky - the three sisters agree that whatever I say goes and trust that I will consult them when needed. And I have three part-time paid positions that can be done online.
Ultimately, you need to do what is best for YOUR health AND that includes your emotions around "losing" her. My prayer and declaration is that YOU are lead in the actions - small and large - that you need to take to separate yourself from abuse and be strong in soul and body.
stop telling your mother your business
she doesn’t provide neither encouragement nor anything positive
So stop
over-sharing
-
next - you mention some toxic behaviour from your mother
that you’ve had to deal with in the past and now
so her influence really isn’t too positive in your life
—
a lot of people dislike counsellors because their victim becomes no victim anymore
how they manipulate ceases
That said even counsellors -sometimes they can go too far - one told a school friend to disown her family and all her problems were down to her family - nothing about free will and we can all make our choices as we get older and be responsible for our choices
so all aren’t the holy grail
—
you decide how much
if any
contact you want
tell her you have Covid and can’t visit fur now while you rest and work out your own feelings and life
guilt is a normal reaction but it’s not founded so when it comes mentally visualise that thought being put into a box and you sealing it up
away from you
you owe your mother nothing
and you don’t need to sit there mulling over anything
tine to release the past and concentrate on you
what you
want
and go for it
best wishes
https://medium.com/crows-feet/notes-on-caregiving-for-older-family-members-part-2-ae6803d11dcb?sk=6f2b6b177d7c578a82f78f11667ad23b
You are the game.
She has nothing to lose if/when you stay away.
See her on YOUR terms.
Get to a community center and make some friends. You are an adult, now, and life is not a dress-rehearsal. Peace.
You need to tell Mom your going no contact for now. And be honest, you can no longer take her treating you like a child. You are an adult and deserve respect. I may also tell her that she never had anytime for you or your kids, why now should you go out of your way to find time for her. She is lonely because of her choices not because you will not visit.
Your Mom needs you more than you need her. So, the ball is in your court. You could also tell her any relationship you have with her will be on your terms. You will check in on her 1x a day. She becomes abusive in any way, you will hang up. Once a week you can have lunch together? She gets started, and you leave. You show her you will take none of her crap. Mom is not in charge here, you are. Why would you let anyone take control of your life when they weren't there for you when you needed them. She is not #1 anymore. You have a family that is. If she wants to be a part of that, she needs to make changes. I am 76 and if I needed my girls to be closer, I would make changes. I don't have that problem though.
Thank you for your story, as I don’t feel like I am the only one.
You need to ignore her when she says things like this.
You need to tell her you will not take the verbal abuse and if she starts in you HANG up the phone or you get up and leave the room.
If a friend or one of your kids were describing a partner that did this to them what would your advice be? Hang in there and keep taking it or leave the situation? I would hope you would tell your friend or son or daughter to leave. I get it you can't leave your mother but you can begin to control the situation. I sure hope your therapist has said something like this to you,.
There is no need to feel "guilty" about taking control over an abusive relationship.
When she can no longer live alone she finds a facility to move into that can manage her care needs You are not obligated to care for her. You are not obligated to take her in. And do not pay for her care. If necessary her assets are sold to pay for what they can then an application to Medicaid do not put her financial problems on yourself
As for what to do when she can no longer live alone, that's not your obligation. If you do get wind that she needs help, notify her local Adult Protective Services and they will find a solution for her.
I wish you peace of mind going forward. You deserve it.
You don't take advice from someone that is cruel or insulting. You relieve your guilt by showing your own children the love you didn't get from your own Mom. Then you start looking for a facility for your Mom, because you definitely DO NOT bring her into your home when she can't safely live alone.
Best of luck to you. You deserve a happy life.
Every time you feel guilty for not wanting to visit her remind yourself that happiness is a choice and choose it for yourself. If you want to help someone who will actually appreciate it go over to the animal shelter and play with the kittens or puppies to help them become socialized. Pick up a can of soup and bring it to the food bank. Whatever floats your boat and speaks to you. You'll see the difference you can make and what it feels like to be appreciated.