I have written quite a few times before and have received many thoughtful, warm and knowledgeable replies - I thank all of you. Right now I am dealing with a great deal of guilt over the sudden death of my husband who passed away from a massive heart attack leading to cardiac arrest due to coronary artery disease. My 94 year old mother who lives with us and has been for a very long time has dementia, which put emotional stress on both of us. Right before he passed, we were looking into a facility for her. I finally made up my mind to do this as it was a hard decision to make as I am an only child and she clings to me. I feel this stress contributed to my husband's death. I can't seem to get this out of my mind. I miss him so much; he was only 73 years old. He did have other issues as well; peripheal artery disease, which stents were put in 13 years ago. He had two tia's which resulted in the loss of vision in one eye and a 100% occluded left carotid artery in 1998. He also had a silent heart attack at that time. He was supposed to have bypass surgery then, but because of his closed carotid artery he was afraid of a stroke during the operation. He opted for chelation therapy for a few years. If anyone has had a similar experience with guilt over their spouse's death while taking care of a parent, I would appreciate hearing from you. Thank you.
You did what you thought was best at the time. Give yourself credit for that and trying to be a good wife and daughter.
It may not be easier or may be, but you need time to mourn the loss of your husband and to reflect on the goodness of his life. And you you must take care of yourself, you deserve time for you don't cheat your life out from what seems like un-necessary guilt.
Use your resources, be that your higher power, counselors, etc. but don't beat yourself up for being a good person. Pat yourself on the back, you've done a great job...don't let yourself down by taking care of everyone except yourself.
Stay on this site and know that loving arms surround you.
It sounds like he was living on borrowed time. A generation ago, without advances in medical intervention, he might not have made it into his seventies. I am glad you had him with you as long as you did. I wish it had been longer.
Having your mother live with you no doubt added stress to your life and his. Placing your mother and needing to advocate for her and see that she got good care and dealing with her feelings of abandonment would have been a different kind of stress. I think that having a loved one with dementia is stressful, no matter what decisions you make. It is not a stress you asked for or caused. You dealt with it in love, making the best decisions you could. I hope that you can make peace with that, and let the guilt go. You deserve to remember your husband with warmth and pleasure -- and he deserves to be remembered that way. Feeling guilty every time you think of him is just not appropriate. Please try to let it go.
If this troubling feeling persists, consider discussing it with a counselor.
Best wishes to you as you struggle with this.
What was the alternative for your husband's care? Would he have been better off in a nursing home? Probably he was better off with you, doing the best you could do under trying circumstances, even if that was not always perfect.
Please forgive yourself for being human. Celebrate the good things. Celebrate that you had such a lovely mate ... and that he did, too.
Give yourself plenty of time to heal. If you have a hard time getting past the guilt, see a counsellor. You deserve help coping with your great loss.
I blame myself for not being aware of what was going on... not even having CPR. There were many stressors in our lives at the time among them - marital spats, finances, work, in-laws and grown and dependent children. I miss my partner terribly - and do resent my choices over our 28-year marriage. I wish I had made him more of a priority... and carved out more time for us. BUT my husband also had responsibility in his life, marriage and health.
Your story of course is unique - but I do suspect that this guilt is a natural outcome. Just know that you DID do the best that you could. He stuck it out with you for better-or-worse - and that is something to celebrate. I know I do.
Della
I too am sad for your loss, and in awe of your Caregiving to date, and extend every trust and encouragement that you will make a good choice now in how to go forward. Most important of all IS to give yourself space and care too. Hugs x x
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