How do you handle an abusive elderly grandmother?

Follow up your words with action.
Be sure she is cared for before you leave.

Move on, move out, but take the high road, do not look back. No need to beat her up on the way out.....by doing so you are only acting in the same nasty way as you accuse her.

For whatever it is worth, I disagree with Thomas0611. My primary issue is with the ASSUMPTION that every older person — including every elder who is behaving badly — has dementia. That's simply not so. Old or young, we each have personality traits which — whether pleasant or unpleasant or pathological or just evil — are individual and are NOT NECESSARILY a function of disease.

I do not think people get a "pass" for bad behavior just because they are old — especially I do not think they get a pass for bad behavior for their whole past lives simply because they are behaving badly NOW that they are old. Since there is nothing in the post to indicate that Grandma has dementia of any degree, much less "severe dementia", I don't think it is either helpful or appropriate for a respondent to preach or lay guilt on the poster.

I'm not any more certain of this poster's motives than you are, nor than any of us are when someone asks a question of the community. Sometimes it is easy to spot the people who just want/need "our" permission to be less than they — or we — would see as reasonable under all the circumstances. Or those who just want to have their own truly bad behavior endorsed. But most times it's not at all easy to identify people who may not "deserve" our very considerable care and concern. So we take a lot on faith and I, for one, am convinced that the vast majority of people who ask for our input are exactly like we are: imperfect, afraid, uncertain and in need of support. And who, I believe, for the most part are sincere and well intentioned.

While it may be appropriate for each of us to examine our motives for deciding not to continue care of -- OR TO BEGIN taking care of -- family members, I don't think it's ok for any of us to suggest, much less instruct, that every righteous person MUST take care of ANY one who seems to be making that demand.

"Care for the least of our brethren" does not, in my view, constitute an instruction from Our Lord, to accept evil or unhealthy behavior. This grandmother isn't "the least"; her behavior isn't based on her lack of wealth or position. Her behavior appears -- at least from what we've been told here -- to be based on her CHOICE. She's been nasty and abusive for many years — including physically abusive according to the poster. Should we REALLY think that simply living X number of years automatically makes her deserving of care from her granddaughter, especially when it is accompanied by more abuse???

My sense from all the professional advice is that no caregiver should be expected to sacrifice himself or herself. I think, hope and PRAY that I would have the strength to be self-sacrificing to a great (but not absolute) degree if the health and well being of my beloved husband or mother or father — all of whom who have loved me, cared for me and supported me for many years —required that of me. I'd be loving them back.

But I would NEVER assert that a duty to provide care existed for a granddaughter whose grandmother is now — and has always been — UNloving, nasty and abusive, including sometimes physically abusive.

I think we should spare some compassion for this person who we know nothing bad about -- except that she is YOUNGER!

If g-mother has severe dementia, look into your soul before you push-back at any perceived abuse. Think about your responsibility to take care of the least among us. Bless you all for dealing with this difficult issue.

I had a grandmother who was something else - in 1973, she had a major stroke. She did manage to recover and return home, but would come to my house some five years later; said I needed a psychiatrist because I had trouble finding my way and a good choice of career. I did train to become a data processing technician and was a very good one for many years. Had the house been in my name, I would have told my grandmother that she is not welcome in my home. She did die in 1989; I did not attend her funeral

One reply posted by anonymous33 really caught my attention. I must say that at some time all abusers eventually meet their match because there's always someone out there much meaner and tougher than them, and when your abuser strikes much harder, and the harder the abuser strikes back, the victim must strike back even harder and firmly stand their ground in order to win. You must know a strategy (and it must be the right one in order to win). Sometimes walking out and leaving is the only way to send a strong message, I had to do this multiple times, which really seemed to work. Also making yourself more scarce really helps. It may be that your two available and dispensable to this person. If this is the case, just distance yourself and become more scarce. Sometimes all you and your abuser need is time to calm down and reflect. I've noticed this with two different people I used to know and it really worked wonders. The more I had to leave the area when things got too heated, the more it seemed to help because sometimes backing off and walking away is absolutely necessary, even if you must leave the premises. A last resort I would use is to have the squad drop the person off at the hospital and wash your hands of the situation. This would require calling the hospital and telling them about the situation and that they cannot they cannot send the patient back to your house. This will cause them to seek alternate places such as other family members or a nursing home or other care facility. Sometimes just dumping them off on the hospital will be enough. I've heard of families having no other choice but to do this, it's called "granny dumping". I'm sure this was an absolute last resort when all other efforts have failed because the family was just not equipped to be able to handle the situation beyond a certain point, and the hospital was the absolute last resort. It's sad when families have nowhere else to turn and this is the last resort, but sometimes you must do what you must do to resolve a very serious problem. It's sad, but if it comes to this, I don't blame those families who must do the only thing they can when all else has failed, and the hospital is the only thing left

Good for you for standing up to her abuse, this is exactly what's needed because there's no excuse for patients to be abusing their caregivers. What you can do is start looking for a nursing home and admit her. Maybe what you need is to just move on with your own life and leave her behind as long as she's going to be abusive. Sometimes we must make this very hard choice for our own sanity and well-being. I don't blame you if you need to move on and forget about her and leave the nursing home to deal with this mess. I can honestly tell you they won't put up with her abuse either, I'm sure they deal with that kind of thing a lot, so they'd be better suited to deal with this than the average person is

I have been standing up to my mother while being her care taker and she's been living with me for two years now. She was an abusive mother during my childhood. I truly regret standing up to her because it got worse for me!!! Now I know why my father never stood up to her! Bullies like my mother will only come back at you harder in whatever manner they can!! They win! She's only nice when she is weak and sick. She has been jealous of her only daughter (me) her whole life. Also I have wicked sister-in-laws on top of it who click with her like a mean girl group lol. Pathetic!!! Everyone else is free from her and try to make me out to be the bad guy. Dysfunctional family games are very stressful. My whole family is poison, but here I am taking care of the b*tch!! lol Just know your a better person : ) It feels bad to speak about your own mother and family this way. But I'm tired of therapy. Peace

My Moms neurologist says if they were nice bf Dementia they will be during Dementia. Same with mean. If they were nice now mean they were good at covering up the mean. Me, I would tell her I was no longer taking care of her. If she can't care for herself, she will need to go to a care facility. Its hard enough caring for a person without being abused.

Unless she has a mental illness or dementia that is causing her to be difficult and mean, then I would figure out if you are better or not with her in your life. Some people are just toxic and they can't stand for others to be happy and content. I'd be wary of those people. Inheritances may be nice, but at what price?

QueenB 1, When someone is as you describe, for most or all their life, they are highly unlikely to change, even if you identify the bad behaviors to them, set limits on their access to you, and limits on their use of you. That kind of behavior is a form of mental illness, if it has been as it as for most of a person's life.
When someone is any level of mental like that, it gets difficult to tell where their regular behaviors become dementia'd behaviors, too...which often fools Docs into Not identifying them as having some dementias.
IF there is dementia going on as well as her bad behaviors, it becomes absolutely a waste of breath to verbalize any of that to them...it simply does not process; you would be saying those words for your own benefit, not hers....and risk sounding abusive towards a dementia's patient.
With any level of mental illness, there might be old brain injuries that can cause those kinds of behaviors you describe....those cannot be remedied by telling the person...and risk sounding abusive for trying to tell them enough so they "get it"....they cannot help themselves anymore than a dementia'd person can.
Best you can do, if you do not have to be her direct caregiver, is to keep to a safe distance so she cannot further verbally attack you. Some folks have had to do that...no phone calls, some not even any mail, and no visits.
Anything in writing though, is usually something else. So cards, letters, emails, texts, etc., might be a safer way to communicate, for both of you.
MANY offenders, tend to keep written correspondence more carefully "nice"...they might write a litany of complaints and excuses, but they often try to avoid putting nasties in writing...everyone knows that makes a track record.
You cannot change someone else.
You can change yourself, do what work you need to do, to feel better about yourself, build yourself a real life.
Live peacefully, gratefully, prosperously, decently, compassionately, etc.....
Your actions speak louder than words; and certainly, louder than your G'ma does, even at her worst.
If you must be her direct caregiver, you need more people to help cover her care for you, at least several hours per day or per week, if she is 24/7 care, under your roof, or you living under her roof. Even taking care of an elder who is sweet and loving, is too much for one person to bear ion a 24/7 basis...we need time off to keep breathing! Having someone to give you a break to take care of you, and whatever else needs done, can save your sanity, mind, body, and future.

My husband's mother was emotionally abusive and neglectful from the time he was born. He lived with his grandmother and mother and other family. His grandmother fed and cared for him. Even after his grandmother died and he was an adult, we continued to visit regularly, but it soon became clear that these visits were draining the emotional energy out of him and contributing to his own issues with depression. He finally made the decision to stop visiting. Even though she had never shown him any love or affection, she was his mother and he wanted to have a good relationship with her. Initially he felt very guilty about never visiting, but also realized he was feeling better. Once he realized he was sacrificing his own life and health to try to make her happy (which was impossible) by visiting or calling, he stopped feeling guilty. When she became ill, we visited her once in the hospital and even though it had been several years since she had seen him, she couldn't stop from saying something mean. When she needed care and her sister called, he said he could not help and stood by it. But it was still not easy and there were times he felt quilty. The next time we saw her, she was in the nursing home dying and could not speak.

I shared more than I intended. His relationship with her took a toll on both of us. She has been gone since 2009 and every once in a while he still says something about the conflict he felt when deciding and sticking to the decision of not seeing her, but even in hindsight knows that he did the right thing.

Bottom line of why I am commenting is to let you know that, as others have said, sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away and stay away. No it is not easy and family may try to make you feel quiltier, but do it for you. You deserve to have a life of your own, free of any fresh pain heaped upon you by them. Dealing with the past pain is hard enough.

And I am not talking about desserting someone with a recent illness such as dementia who, previous to the illness, was a different person.

I was in the same spot as you. My grandmother had it in for me because I was a late bloomer when it came time to realize I was growing up, to find a career that suited me ( I became a data processing technician in my mid-20's, and was a very successful one for many years.) She also had it in for me because I never married nor had children as I had no desire to do so. It got to the point when there was an event on my father's side of the family, I refused to attend. I also would not attend my grandmother's funeral when she died.

You are quite correct, QueenBee1, to refuse to put up with bullying and abusive behavior from ANYONE, including an elderly grandmother. So I have to wonder why you do put up with it. Standing up to her is one thing, but refusing to even be present when she behaves that way is really the only thing that makes anyone's refusal to accept bullying "work". Why should she believe you "have had enough" when you keep coming back for more? I am truly sorry if I have misunderstood what you've said, but my impression is that you are simply talking back at your Grandma when she is nasty but that this is repetitive behavior for both of you. She's abusive and you verbally reject her abuse -- which is GOOD. But please ask yourself why should she believe her bad behavior won't have bad consequences when there never are any???? Clearly she's not persuaded nor put off by your verbal response. Am I correct that you do not/have not removed yourself from the situation even after you threaten not to "put up" with her behavior. Honey, if you stay, you ARE putting up with it -- speaking up just means you're telling her you don't LIKE it.

You are right, you didn't have to come home after college to "help care for her" and your mother before she passed -- so why did you? Have your reasons for coming home changed? I am so sorry for the loss of your mother; I know that was hard. Did she pass recently? My point is that Mom is no longer your reason for being there, so why are you? Are you living in your mother's or grandmother's home WITH grandma? Is living with her nasty and belittling behavior the price for staying, even if you are now redeemed in the eyes of your other family members? If so, please please ask yourself if it is worth it!

Has Grandma been diagnosed with dementia? I don't think we can assume, Thomas6011, that Grandma has dementia or, even if she does, that her behavior -- which sounds as if is LONGstanding -- is caused by that illness. [Such behavior caused by dementia is heart-breaking and SO hard on the caregivers like you, Thomas 6011. I hope your loved one soon passes thru this stage!] But lots of people have mental or personality disorders for years and years (or are just plain disagreeable because they choose to be) without having dementia, and it does sound to me as if there's a long term pattern here.

Perhaps if you gave us more information, QueenBee1: what's the rest of the story? You don't tell us how old you and Grandma are, if you are working, what other family members are nearby and what they do to help. What, exactly, it is that you do to care for your grandmother? If you will give some more information I think members of this community can make helpful suggestions for other ways Grandma could get whatever care it is that she needs so that you can walk away from this toxic relationship once and for all.

If you are looking for approval for sticking up for yourself and that's all you need, you have come to the right place. But if that isn't enough for you, you are in charge! I'm quite that you know by now that you can't change HER. But you CAN change YOU! What is it you want for yourself? I hope you do HELP make other arrangements for Grandma if that is necessary and then you do whatever you need to do to make YOUR life the one you want and dream of! Angels watch over you. Lolli

If you don't HAVE to be in her life, ie: caring for her directly, why stick around for this? You've proved her wrong--walk away!

The best "revenge" (and I hate to use that term) is to just prove her wrong by living a healthy and productive life.

You never "win" and argument with an elderly, crabby, negative relative. Don't even try. Be the bigger person and let it go.

This is not about elder care, this is about having the self-esteem not to put up with a thoroughly nasty person, whatever the relationship.

Who has the papers to care for her? Is she taking her medicine correctly? When is the last time she saw her doctor? What are her diagnosis? Is she a diabetic? I do not know where you are located but there are guardians appointed by the state that can oversee her care. Call you local Area on Aging and see if they can help you.

So glad to here other people's stories. I don't feel so bad and guilty now. My mother has always been a jealous, bully towards her only daughter....Me.

Why do you feel you should stick around for her abuse?

Sadly, assuming g-mother has dementia, you are wrong for verbally confronting her about her difficult behavior. Please do an Internet search for the book, "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell. Obtain a copy through purchase or at your library, and begin your education about "difficult behaviors". There is a wealth of information available on the Internet on this subject. When you search on a subject, add the name of another English speaking country to gain a similar, but often more enlighting explanation. Countries to consider are Canada, Australia, England, Ireland, New Zealand, etc. I am not an expert, but have much experience caring for a person living with dementia who has severe verbal and physical aggression. This is the MOST difficult aspect of caregiving for a person living with dementia.

not sure if she has dementia or not but maybe she could use a dr. checkup and a med added to help w/depression if she has it.

Your situation with your elderly grandmother. Reads like deja vu. My mentally ill (ex)fiance behaved much the same way. She said that I was 'controlling' her. By no longer allowing her to repeatedly 'diagnose' me. She even claimed, that I scared her by saying that. She ran to a women's emergency shelter for 24hrs. coming back the next day. But within just a few months. She ended our four-year relationship.

I've lived your situation for 11 years. I am caregiver for my bitter, angry, alcoholic, 83 year old mother. Are you your grandmother's caregiver? Is she an alcoholic? If so, and if you intend to continue in this 'abused' role please seek out the help of AL-ANON. Adult children (grandchildren) of alcoholics have special needs that the rest of society don't understand. Call or go to any alcoholics anonymous meeting and those very helpful folks will direct you to their proper chapter.

No, I don't think you were wrong in telling her that you're fed up with her attitude but I'm not sure it will do any good. From what you said it sounds like your grandmother has had these behavioral patterns for many, many years and is unlikely to change now. I see nothing wrong in getting your feelings off your chest if that was the sole purpose in doing so. If you're hoping she'll change I'm afraid you may be disappointed.