My fiancé and I have built a beautiful apartment for his mother. It is attached to our house and she has lived there for over 13 years. Three of her daughters live out of state and one lives an hour away. Any time we try to make a decision with her car, they all bud in and nothing gets done. We have tried to get her pain management shots, they talked her out of it, tried to get her blood work, talked her out of it. Telling her she is fine and doesn't need this extra health care is ridiculous as they do not see her daily. The daughter that lives an hour away comes maybe ever two to three weeks, but because she is executor she feels she is the boss. Her son would like to have medical power of attorney to get her the medical attention she needs and get her a routine care taker to stop in during the week as we run our own business. The girls all gang up on him saying she doesn't need it. (mostly because she will be spending some of her money) What are the steps we can take to get her on a schedule with a care service and also get medical power of attorney as she lives with us? You can tell she is getting extremely depressed and out of sorts from being alone and no company...we can only do so much as our hands are tied by the daughters.
Angel
And Angel is right. The daughter who is executor hasn't a leg to stand on. She holds no power whatsoever as long as your mom is alive.
You and your husband care for your MIL, it should be you and your husband who make the day to day decisions where caregiving is concerned. It's his siblings place to be supportive and grateful that he is caring for their mom and keeping up with her health. Maybe his siblings should be on a need-to-know basis from now on to cut down on the interference.
Anyway We are going this week to take Mom to bank to remove SIL from ALL her accounts. Her biggest fear is that if she angers her daughter her daughter will sell her home and put her out of it, declarer her incompetent ... get my drift? We have lived with mom in her home for 6 months and the ONLY time we see SIL is if other family came down from NY !! The day after they went back to NY well lol I think I've seen her ONCE !! that was over Christmas. Mom has cancer Alzheimer's dementia with Psych issues so needless to say she only goes to the Dr. now and then we'll go out to dinner which WE pay for 99 % of the time.
So I'd make it sound like questions to get her mind thinking.. what have they done for "loved one"? Do they only come when the want something or only to criticize? I'm lucky Hubby's siblings rarely show but OMH when they do it's all out war around here for a week because they tell her he is talking her into making unnecessary purchases. For instance she has been on our case for 6 months to clean out the shed, fix what's broken hubby needs a saw and tools so she bought them and of course within 5 minutes flat the phone rings, why did you spend ($ 29.99 ) and that was the CHEAPEST they had...
anyway my suggestion is pick your battles carefully... try not to get into the family DRAMA !! I have been told too often I am only as they put it "the maid" Not allowed to talk to the Doctors nurses or make appointments , just keep track of them!! Hard to do when you can't even talk to anyone or LOL she is on the phone with Lord knows who but as soon as she gets off the phone she can't remember which Dr. She was talking to or what day or time it was for !!
Her Doctor has even suggested it may be better that WE as live in care givers should have the POA and at that moment she agrees but within 5 minutes she forgets and then when her daughter calls ( for buying a starbucks coffee) she is intimidated all over again .. My heart goes out to you and Bless your heart for being there. Karma my friend ... will be returned 10 fold ( I hope ) lol
Good Luck
Yes--get mom to give YOU POA, and take sis' phone number off the acct. That is just crazy! You betcha sis will throw a fit, but prepare yourself for it.
Her job as executor is for AFTER the death. She has zero power now. Who DOES have MPOA? No one? Then it will be simple to get it.
NOT letting mom have the medical attention she needs is simply cruel. Sounds like mom lets this daughter intimidate her to no end.
I'm really sorry this is going on. You are NOT alone, this is such a common thread.
Good luck and prepare yourself for some angry phone calls. Mom's needs come way ahead of this sister's need to control from long distance.
Other comments are correct, the Executor has no power until AFTER death, and that power is limited by instructions in the Will.
Financial POA is either assigned by the patient, if they are still competent, or granted by a Judge during a Guardianship proceeding when they are not.
I realise that these are not the key issues in terms of your MIL-to-be's care needs, but I suspect they might have something to do with whose influence prevails, and I further suspect that this is the heart of what troubles you. What is your fiancé doing about his mother's situation? He doesn't need POA to take her to a doctor, for example. Nor to a pain management clinic. Nor to arrange for paid companionship. These things are up to mother, if she's competent, and it sounds as if she is. As for the brainwashing aspect, how come her more distant daughters' opinions carry more weight than her only son's, given that he's right there on the scene?
Mother knows whether she needs assistance with pain. A quick chat on the phone with her daughter is not going to change her mind about whether or not something hurts. The blood work: that's a clinical judgement, let her doctor decide whether the tests are necessary or not. Home help or day centres are mother's decision - if she wants or needs support, she can let you arrange it or not, as she pleases. And if in your fiancé's judgement she begins to need more supervision, then he can arrange it for her - he doesn't need his sister's permission to do so.
In short, his hands are not tied by his sisters. They may be tied by his mother, but that's her choice, about her care.
Yes if only executor is only after death. you need GPOA with a durable clause. And Health Care Surrogate (which is person takes mon to Dr.! Buys meds etc family caregiver who knows personally medical needs and wants and is Living Will facilitator.
Hint . Since mom lives w you you can apply to be DCF authorized appointed Represenative (payee). Fill out on line can apply for foodstamps.medicaid.Longterm Care , nursinghome and HomeBasedHealth Care Waiver (HBHC). Elder Affairs can also help with other things .This gives home health care assistance longterm.
Now the DCF Rep is diff from poa and actually makes you moms dcf advocate.
PS withholding of medical care is Abuse verbally talking her out of spending money on medical care perscribed by her physician .ie. Labs is abuse.
A POA cannot act in a manner detramental to the person they serve. That is an dcf elder abuse case.
As you point out, she lives with you. No one needs to be consulted for you to help her in managing her health. Go to a doctor's appointment with her and, in front of the doctor, ask that you and your fiancee be added to her records as someone with whom the doctor and his staff can discuss her medical status. You do not need a medical POA to do this.
However, you need to get a medical POA. You can download one and take mom to a notary to sign it or you can visit a lawyer. Considering how fractious the relationship between the siblings sounds, a visit to an elder law attorney is in order anyway.
ps - Isolation will kill her. It's among the biggest dangers to the elderly. Call your county's office for aging and find out about senior day programs in your area. There are usually a few inexpensive (or even no cost) options and they often provide inexpensive or free transportation.
Dcf is Department of Children and Families (federal money bureauacracy overseening dispursement by State of funds .ie foodstamps,medicaid, Elder Affairs. If one is DCF Authorized ( can be self appointed w POA) or Appointed ( space for both on DCF form .You are now DCF payee foodstamps and medicaid. Andcan apply for and use benefits for whom you are proxy for.
With a little careful wording using ADA American Disability Act 505 reasonable accomodations (and medicaids own civil rights guidelines reasonable response greater than 30 days one can advocate and get responses even be an advocate filing greviences for and with as Dcf Rep Payee against facilities, VA DCF etc ror tartive response.Always use ADA 505 ask for monetary damages greater than 3x and personal damages Name Your price. Professionals are resp for suite from transgressor to corporat president inc.board to govoner to house rep to congress to obama even after he not of usa and all liable also as own persons.
Its a lot of writing.
You have to stay on it. And force their hand.if problem w facility Attend careplan meetings as Dcf auth appointed (best) represenative. Requesting omsbudsman and elder affairs present.
Some of these places have employee who is advocate rep in one or both. Document all correspondance reg mail keep envelopes rec for postal date or fax conformation AMSCOT etc.good for this. Soc Sec and VA do not recognize POA. But the Authorized DCF Rep. Puts Rep as the DCF payee. They recognize a represenative payee.