My parents are 72 years old and live 1,500 away from me. My father's side of the family has a long line of alzheimers including his parents and spouses. He started showing the beginning signs about 2-3 years ago but in the last six months has deteriorated significantly. He has other health issues as well including diabetes and high blood pressure. He sees a doctor once a year but refuses to include my mother or myself on the HIPPA form so we can not discuss any of his medical issues with his physician. We feel certain that his physician is not aware of the memory issues. We have even tried to write the physician a letter expressing our concerns and did not receive any kind of reply. When we try to discuss with my father, he becomes angry and hostile and walks away. He repeats the same questions several times in a 30 minute period, forgets to turn his vehicle motor off when coming home, leaves doors open when he leaves the house, and has even driven on the wrong side of the road. My mother has to deal with him alone on a daily basis and it has taken it's toll on her emotionally and physically. I feel helpless as there is nothing I can do being 1,500 miles away. My father would never agree to move so that they could be closer to me. I don't know where to turn to help both my mother and also my father. I feel like until we are able to get him to accept that their an issue, there is nothing we can do. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I've been through all of the above. First you can't force them to do anything like move, agree to in home assistance, etc. if they are unwilling. As long as they are not declared mentally incompetent, you can't do anything with or without a POA other then continually try to encourage them to make the right choice. I'm still not having luck with my 90 yr mom but continue to wait for something to happen where I can get a drs or case worker help to get her moved to a safe and caring place.
This is what I had to do, I wrote the dr like you did documenting my observations, concerns and described her living situation. Then I asked her doctor to call her and remind her it was time for a check up. She likes her dr so she was more willing. This took persistence from his office because she would cancel apps. But she finally went in. She removed my HIPPA after she signed one...so not much I can do.
Our parents are tough and private and it is still a way for them to control their situation and not depend on their kids. I say, they can see its the "last frontier" and they know if they stay in their home there isn't someone telling them what to do like in AL or skilled care.
Other suggestions:
Hire in home care/assistance a few hrs a week to at least give mom a break.
Hire cleaning persons to clean 2x/month
See if their church has a support group your mom would be willing to join
See if church has a visiting person who comes in and just offers support to mom and dad
Contact DMV and ask his license be revoked. If its a family member, they don't tell. You fill out the form online or print, fill out and mail in. This gets him off the street.
Provide dr, neighbors and local police with your contact info to contact you in case of emergency.
Lastly, make sure all parents legal paperwork is current and notarized, wills, DPOA, AMD. See if mom will share financial info with you including banks, iras, investments, etc. have her give you a listing with acct numbers.
Good luck. All this isn't easy and we are all in the same boat with aging parents or aging ourselves.
I would suggest calling Elder Services in the town in which they live and express your concerns. They have great suggestions to deal with various concerns. My mother-in-law had been adament about not sharing doctor visit information. The way we got through to her was telling her that if she were to be hospitalized, we would not have access to information unless she signed a release to that effect. If we did not have legal access, we could not help her - it is the privacy laws and they are taken very seriously by doctors and hospitals, etc. This worked for us, and she signed a letter stating that she agreed to allow my husband and me to receive medical information. The doctor can take it from there and get involved in the license revocation process as well as suggestions to deal with the memory problems.
If this doesn't work, I'm certain Elder Services will have suggestions. This is gut-wrenching and one of the most difficult things you have ever had to do. But, you will feel relieved in knowing you have tried everything you can to keep all concerned safe. So many of us have been through it and it is extremely stressful to say the least; but needs to be done.
Wishing you luck. Blessings to you and take care.
It seems as though it may be inevitable (unfortunately) that something will happen to insite a change in your parents situation...whether you are there or not. Do seek out help and information now, do what you can, throw the guilt out the window, take care of yourself...you have your life to live too!
Driving on the wrong side of the street, leaving the vehicle running ... these are not in the same category as forgetting a dental appointment. What is your mother's take on this? Is she aware of the seriousness of the situation, or is she somewhat in denial, too?
Contact the Department of Aging in your parent's state, describe the situation, and see what ideas they have for dealing with your very challenging situation.
Also, there are several articles along the lines of How to get your Loved One to a Doctor on this site. I hope a site administrator will be along and point them out to you.
Good luck!