How do you handle brothers and sisters that constantly criticize and complain about your caregiving job?

My niece has POA. When my mother was in my home and I paid for a caregiver, clothes, food, etc., and sent my niece the bill, she refused to reimburse me. Subsequently, my mother had to be hospitalized, my niece transferred her to a nursing home without telling me or my brother and put "do not resucitate" on her orders. We have found out that it's all about money.

I just try to avoid them. They never had a problem all these years with letting me do about 99 percent of the work until they started thinking about getting an inheritance. Parents said they did not want them to control finances, etc. so I figure that I will always be a target and nothing that I can do about it, so I just try to avoid contact for my own well being.
If you are the one doing most of the work, it is common sense that you have to have finances available to take care of them. I didn't get any money at all for years, so having siblings suddenly kick up a sand storm about things does not set well with me at all. All those times I told them about problems they didn't want to hear about - but suddenly they are SO concerned... I know people who were never there for their parents, but the neighbors were - and you can guess that the neighbors got nothing for their trouble, while the absent child got everything.
Look out for yourself the best you can.

One my own sib does the same things. I finally realized maybe even he doesn't know why he complains so much about what I do! Not up to me to fiugre it out but only I can protect myself from him. So I no longer try to communicate with him. I'll ask my Mom to ask him if I have a question about the sib care schedule or how to use a new piece of equipment. I greet him when he comes over their house while I'm there but that's all the conversation I'll initiate. He never greets me or says goodbye to anyone when he's leaving. Mom complains if I lose it after he's insulted me etc. and tries to get me and others to leave early if she thinks he is coming over. About his behavior she says, that's just how he is. Sometimes adds he does a lot for us. She forgets all that the other sibs do? So now I tell her ahead of time when I'm arriving, saying I know I'm on his "list" so prefer that if he is there that he be gone by that time.

Your siblings should be very grateful for what you are doing. It is no easy thing to put your life on hold to be caregiver to your mother. You are the one who knows what the expenses are and probably will know how best to handle the finances should your mother eventually need nursing home care. Seems to me that your siblings are a little too concerned about money being left to them - when you should be getting some kind of stipend for your services. Seems to me that all too frequently, the ones who do the most are treated with ingratitude and get no reward for their sacrifice of service no matter the cost. Not that you can put a price on that, but certainly it's the least they can do to show their appreciation for what you are doing. Bless you for being there for your mother!

I am shocked! I cannot believe these siblings. I wonder how they would feel if this happened to them when they needed care from their children. I think sometimes these people are in such denial of the way life works. My brother just does not want to know anything about what happens with our parents. They are both in assisted living but our mother is in memory care. I am the POA for both of them. I do everything for them. Pay the bills, take supplies to them, visit twice a week, deal with my mom's horrifying transformation. She does not know me anymore but I go to see her because I do it for myself. I love her so much. My dad does not visit anymore because she does not recognize him and it hurts so much. My brother visits about once every six weeks. Big whoop. None of my sons or family members visit. My parents were terrific grandparents to them. What is wrong with these people? They get angry when I ask them to visit. They say that they want to remember them the way they used to be. What fantasy world do they live in? I have given up talking to anyone in the family about the sadness I feel. I cannot share it with anyone because they would rather rock and roll their way through life and not ace reality while we caregivers suffer in silence. I am so glad to put this in writing and share with people who understand.

Always a problem when the caregiver doesn't have access/control of the money to care for the parent.

in all my years ...not many but lots of clients including family i have learned alot but one of the common factors is money and finances . one thing i do when this is aoused in a situation is exactly what i have read here and that is get the medical poa. but have a family meeting and deligate if they want to point out the problems explain to them they should be part of the solution and that is by joining the care team instead of hanging on the sidelines just as it takes a village to grow us up it takes one to do the opposite and unfortinutly it becomes evident in situations like these... good luck and god bless

Don't allow them to treat you this way. Ask for the money you need for your mother and yourself. Involve your mother in the decision making After all it is her money. Don't despair you are not alone. There are millions of caregivers looking for similar answerers. Try to find a caregiver support group it will work wonders Good luck and God bless you because you are a great daughter trying to help your mother the way you are.

LMM:

I'm sure your Mom would like to see those 5 more often, doesn't she? One by one, I'd invite them for a whole weekend so they can show you a more cost-efficient way to do something that shouldn't have a price tag attached to it. The only way your sibs are going to shut their clams is by having a taste of your caregiving life and all the sacrifices you continue to make in the name of love. ... I bet they won't last 24 hours.

"Angelic" is an understatement. You've earned those wings, so don't let their perception of you become your reality.

-- Ed

If I were you, I would tell them you think it is time each of the brothers and sisters take a turn taking care of mother. Whomever has mother, you should then ask them for receipts and photos of their food pantry.

Good luck to you. I actually know how you feel. I have been there and wish you the best.

Dear lovemymom2560,
Gather the family and have the family (you and your siblings) work through your mom’s care needs then define the care options you have. Estimate and document the costs, benefits and issues/questions/concerns you/the family members have with each. Then as a family, select the care giving option that best meets your mom’s needs and the financial resources you have to work with. Having recently been a primary care giver for my dad an 87 year old stroke victim who had lewy body dementia, vision and mobility issues I can tell you this is HARD work. Here is my action plan and a sample of how you might choose to begin this discussion with your family. Good Luck! I have additional tips and tools you may choose to look at on: http://oldageisnot4wimps.typepad.com/blog/

Sample Action Plan
1.Lovemymom2560, setup a family meeting, PREP WORK*be prepared to discuss your mother’s health issues, current state including what medications she is on. Describe her care needs are, i.e. :Bathing, dressing, bath rooming, grooming, eating with or without assistance, medication administration, mobility, vision, hearing, mental capabilities etc. . Be prepared to describe mothers financial resources, i.e. insurance coverage, savings, checking, property etc.
2.Call meeting to order, describe what you would like to accomplish then describe your mom’s health “current state” and her care needs
3.As a family, identify the single point of contact/ healthcare advocate/ POA for healthcare for your mom, obtain family consensus
4.As a family, identify the single point of contact financial manager POA for your mom, obtain family consensus
5.As a family list care options and the approximate cost of each option, use the example I have provided as A STARTING POINT
6.As a family, make a care choice based upon your mother’s care needs and the associated cost
7.Review your mom’s “current state” health and financial as a family every 6 months, alter plan of care, financials as a family as needed.

SAMPLE Care Options: Cost/ Benefits/ Issues-Comments:

Care Option 1 – Care Delivered at Mom’s Condo i.e. in her own home

COST Option1 Assumptions:
-Housing, Utilities, Food, Transportation etc. Assume: $1,500/per MTh for Condo payment, utilities or $18,000.00 per year
-Nursing Home Care cost is $6,000 per MTh, $72,000.00 annually
-Moms Daily Physical Care and Support at an hourly rate of $15, per hour. Assume 365*24*15= $131,400

Care Option1a) At Home Care in Mom’s Condo provided by lovemymom2560, pay lovemymom2560 $15, per. for her services, she pays ½ condo payment.Cost of Care for Option 1a is:
$131,400.00
-$009,000.00 ½ condo payment
$113, 400.00 annual payments to lovemymom2560
---------------------------------
Care Option b) Lump Sum. Pay caregiver same as Nursing Home annual fee $72,000 and give her room and board free. Cost of Care Option 1b is:
$072,000.00 care services delivered by lovemymom2560 annual lump sum
$000,000.00 room/board free
$72,000.00 annual payment to lovemymom2560
-----------------------------------
Care Option c) lovemymom2560 lives rent free and cares for her mom full-time in the Condo. Cost of Care Option 1c is:
$000,000.00 care by lovemymom2560 free in exchange for room and board
$000,000.00 room/board free
$000,000.00 annual payment to lovemymom2560
--------------------------------------
Care Option 1d) lovemymom2560 is given title to the condo as compensation for her full time care of mom. Cost of Care Option 1d is:
$000,000.00 care by lovemymom2560 free in exchange for title to condo
$000,000.00 room/board free
$000,000.00 annual payment to lovemymom2560

Benefits Care Option 1:
-24x7 care, Care being provided by family member in mom’s own home
-Single point of contact for mom is lovemymom2560
-Mom/Family retains ownership of Condo/ property, exception is option d

Care Option 1: Issues/questions/Comments
- How do we compensate the primary care giver? I.e. hourly rate? Lump annual sum? Lives rent free in lieu caring for mom? She is given ownership of the condo after mom’s death? Other?
-Who watches mom when caregiver goes to grocery store or has health appointments or other away actives?
- Who manages mom’s financials? Expenses?
- Care Giver will need a break at least 1 week every 3 months, can each of the sibling take 1 week per year and stay with mom and administer her care?
- Care Giver must log mom’s daily care so that the siblings can understand what mom’s current state is what was done during the day to support her care; document her medications and the administration of these meds etc.; setup doctor appointments and transport mom etc.

Care Option 2 - At Home Care in Mom’s Condo provided by Home Health Care Agency
Care Option 2 Assumptions:
-Annual condo payment, plus association fees, maintenance, utilities energy costs, food costs, food prep, cleaning, laundry other household supplies cost, transportation costs to/from doctor visits, therapy, etc Assume : $18,000 per year
-24 hour home health care agency services, assume 365*24*15 = $131,400.00 per year
Cost of Care Option 2 is:
$149,400.00 per year approximately

Care Option2 Benefits:
-24x7 care
-Care being provided by Home Health Care Agency in mom’s own home
- Home Health Care Agency will document care provided to mom
- Mom-Family retains ownership of Condo/ property

Care Option 2: Issues/questions/Comments
-Need to pick a single point of contact (family member)/ healthcare advocate for mom. This person, who advocates for mom, is the single point of contact for the Home Health Care Agency and Physicians that provide care services for mom. This care advocate should be paid the going rate for a home health care provider, typically between $15-20, per hour.
-Who will monitor mom’s care?
- Additional costs may be incurred for medication administration because a RN must administer meds and aide cannot.
-As the dementia evolves a single caregiver may not be able to address all of moms needs


Care Option 3) Long Term Care, Nursing Home w/ Dementia support

Care Option 3 Assumptions:
-$6000 per month, $72,000 per year, if she is not Medicaid eligible.

Cost of Care Option 3 is: $72,000.00 at a minimum if not Medicaid eligibile

Cost of Care Option 3 Benefits:
-24x7 care
-Dementia support /care
-Family members can proceed w/ their lives and visit mother when schedule allows

Care Option 2: Issues/questions/Comments
-How will mom react?
-Do we have the funds?
-Do we sell moms condo and use profits to fund her care?
-Pick a single point of contact/ healthcare advocate for mom. This person, who advocates for mom, is the single point of contact for the Nursing Home and Physicians that provide care services for mom. -This care advocate should be paid the going rate for a home health care provider, typically between $15-20, per hour.

Gotta say that the jeanne's model letter is just too good! If the sibs think your 24/7 care of your mom is too expensive, the sticker shock of assisted living should adjust their perceptions a bit.

I have two suggestions - #1 is chancey - give your siblings one month notice and tell them you are going on a vacation for a week (more if you can do it) - and you need them to step in. Then they will get an idea of what the care and costs entail. The "chance" part of it is concern over whether they would take steps to put her in a nursing home... . My other suggestion is agreement with what someone else wrote - have a family meeting BUT be sure to have an impartial mediator (paying for one is best way to assure impartiality) - and before the meeting have everything outlined that needs to be covered and give everyone a copy of the outline. (Before hand have your siblings send you their notes for the outline, also). AND if you sister wants a picture of the pantry - have her come and take her own photo. Totally irrational. Bottom line of all of this is much more deep seated than the dinners our or food budget - I am sole caregiver for my 92 year old dementia mother - with 3 of 4 other siblings barely involved, but with lots of "suggestions." I think that when a parent needs caregiving - all of the unspoken to emotions, resentments etc arise from the siblings. I've found that the issues aren't generally about the "pantry" but about unaddressed childhood sibling issues that were never addressed. So perhaps another suggestion, before or after a mediator (I'd suggest before a mediator) is that you invite all siblings to meet together with a therapist. Here again you'd have total impartiality and it would get to the real unaddressed sibling issues. Good luck.

All the answers to this question proves that the caregivers here have more than enough BS to deal with, and somehow got labled by those " who care about everything but the real situation at hand". The ones who focus on anything but the person in need of care (the siblings that complain about money, and needed daily care that they themselves are not supplying, and have no idea what just five minutes of your day is really like, and add negative input and say anything else that's irrelevant to the real situation just to piss you off)
I call them "Energy Suckers". They have no clue but they think thier negativity and unreal suggestions are worth your time, but the reality is, it's a waist and helping noone. "Energy Suckers" hate when your doing right, hate you are aware, hate your in control. All the "Energy Sucker" has is, guilty feelings and a foggy reality. So you need to clear the fog. You do this by forcing reality onto them. Make it known to the "Energy Sucker"...
If you think you can do a better job, pick up Mom and you take care of her from now on!!! If you are worried about her health you take her to the Dr. and if you worry about her finances here's the bills! Then tell them when she's in "your" care I want a report of everything you do and how much time it takes and the cost and I want no complaints about your own time, stress, and anything else your own life is lacking. Ask them, if this is what they want, you and would gladly trade places. You didn't ask for this & niether did Mom, but it's real and I am sure noone will take the job if you quit. If I had a million I would bet noone wants the job. Make demands on them!!! Once you make your position known and they understand you are doing what is best for all involved and that noone else will step up, except you. Is there any other choice? Or the alternative to your care is 24/7 care in a facility at $6,000 to $10,000 a month bill, which is more than likely in the future anyway. If Mom does end up in the hospital someone needs to be in charge. These are all things they don't think about but, this is your life daily. Do whatever you need to, to take care of your loved one. If your focus is whole hearted you can't go wrong! The path will be there for you to follow.

Wow! I can't believe the responses I have gotten! This is the first time that I've posted something and I have to tell you, it REALLY helps!!!!! I am especially loving the letter above to my brothers and sisters and the advise about the cliff to my loving sister that want's a picture of my pantry! Not sure if I mentioned, but she also only finds time to visit her Mother once a year for two days at Christmas! I guess that's understandable since she is all of 5 hours away!!!!

But in the end, I do still have to deal with them. Unfortunately, the threatening to leave her care to them scares the heck out of me. Mostly because they have threatened to put her in assisted living if I didn't cut down on spending.

The end of 2010 was the worst time of my life. My Mom had just moved here in July and around October is when everything started. At first, when I was in the hospital with her and the first few months here with her they were praising me often. They even offered to come and stay with my Mother while I took my yearly trip to the Caribbean! They said that I definetely deserved to go on this trip! This is something that I look forward to every year and is my one vacation that I take. People that know me understand how important these trips are for me. I had paid for a lot of Mom's expenses and had expected to get paid back so that I could pay for my trip, but we went through this grueling couple months and they decided that instead, I actually owed Mom $2,000!!!! They also said that I could NOT go on my trip and that it was not "in the budget." They also said that they would not be able to come and take care of Mom. The fact that they would take that away from me broke me more than not being able to go on the trip! I could not believe my ears when I heard those words! I even lost money because I was past the time for reimbursement on my cruise and lost $150 on my flight. In the end, I have had to add two different drugs for anxiety and depression.

I am my Mom's Medical POA and my oldest sister and her husband are Durable POA. I am next in line for Durable POA. My Mother has also signed her will stating that her money, if any is left, will be devided between the six kids and that I get the condo (gotta tell you, they LOVED that part!!!!). Of course, I was accused of talking her into it! My two brothers owe my Mom a lot of money and one of them happens to be one of the two of them that has been the most cause of my stress.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on, I mostly wanted to thank you all. You have given me some really good ideas (especially, the cliff one, just kidding!) And, in doing so you have made me laugh out loud!!! Please keep the ideas coming and I ask that God Bless Each of You as I know he has and will. Even though I have been on this site looking for answers to my stress, I am constantly saying how BLESSED I am!!!!! I have to wonder often why God Loves Me So Much and Blesses Me Like He Does! Even though this brother / sister thing sounds so bad, every day God sends me messages of how much he loves me and proves it to me every day in small and gigantic ways! I guess I must be doing something right!

I Love You All for taking care of your loved ones!

Thank you again!

Dear brothers and sisters,

I've been taking care of Mom since that awful hospitalization. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I have always loved Mother, of course, and also like her, but these past months have created a bond between us that I wouldn't trade for anything. What a priviledge it has been to care for her.

Caregiving has also been the most difficult thing I have ever done. GIving up my social life to spend all my time with someone who is dependent on me has been a great strain.

I am grateful for the bonding experience and for the chance to contribute to Mother's wellbeing. Now I am ready to move on. I am giving more than the usual notice, because it will take me time to find a job and an apartment, and it will take you time to research your options to make sure Mother is well cared for. I will stay on in the condo, caring for mother, until Dec 1.

From your input to me, I can tell that you really have some ideas about how things should be handled, so you probably don't need my advice. In case it will help you in your decisions, I'm including some material for reference. I'm listing Dr. Eldergood's contact information. He's told me that Mother needs 24/7 care, but I'm sure you would like to talk to him directly. I'm also including brochures from 3 well-regarded caregiving services in the area. The brochures do not include prices, so I've checked that for your convenience. They range from $18 to $31 per hour, depending on their assessment of need, and the rate is somewhat higher for an overnight shift.

I'm also sending information on a nice Assisted Living place. I'm not sure Mother would qualify for that, because her dementia is getting worse. They do have a Memory Care unit she could be moved to. I've jotted the prices on that. It may seem high, but it includes all meals, of course, and incontinent supplies (which I think she'll be needing soon). Betty, since I know that you are particularly interested in nutrition, I've photocopied some menus for you.

There are also two nursing homes that have good reputations in the area. I'm including that information, too.

You know the finances better than I do. It seems to me that her assets plus her monthly income would cover her care for almost a year. Then the condo could be sold for the following years. When that money runs out I think she would be eligible for Medicaid. I'm sure you will figure it out.

I hope that being responsible for mother's day-to day-care will be as rewarding to you as it has been for me.

Looking forward to reclaiming my life,
Your loving sister.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, so the other advice about a mediated family meeting is more sensible and practical. I couldn't resist the letter fantasy. :)

I've been taking care of my Mom who lives with me for 19 years and my brother lives in Florida and has for over 10 years. It has been okay for me to take care of my Mom for these many years but now, because I need more money for her care, I have had to answer to by brother for every little thing. I finally realized that I had POA also and started to tell him what I needed and then made it happen. I still don't have a life of my own but I no longer feel that I have to answer to my brother also. I would tell your siblings that if they do not think you are doing the very best that you can, they are perfectly welcome to come, pick you Mom up and care for her themselves. They need a wake up call. Unless you've been in the situation of taking care of someone 24/7, you really can't possibly know what is involved. You need to take care of yourself in any way you can. What would happen if something happened to you? Stand up for yourself and tell them to start respecting you for who you are and for what you are doing. I congratulate you for all your good care that you have given your Mom and they should be kissing your shoes instead of daring to criticize you. God bless.

If people (family) offered real help as much as they offer advice, these issues would almost never come up...I agree with the "get a mediator, write it all down and do your best" ideas and would add after all that, tell em to Piss Off! If that isn't good enough for them...It is amazing people will tell you what to do this, what to do that, what to do there, but they would NEVER offer to take your place!

Those rates are less expensive than what I've found in Colorado. Care giving is expensive, and as it says in 1 Timothy 5:18, "the labourer is worthy of his [her] reward." Our work is worthwhile and worthy of respect at the very least!

I work for a Home Health Company in Indianapolis and our rates are $18.00 and hour and $250.00 for a live in. Take those rates and give them to your family. I took care of my mother for 3 years and was the youngest of 6 siblings. Amazing how the others all have a thought when they are not the full time Caregivers. Pick your battles and put your mother first. I agree with the others Ideas and please try to take care of yourself as well, that is most important as well..!!!

Blessings
Bridget

Wow....you have all said so many good things here!!!
I won't add anything, except to say I am there in that rocking boat also.
God bless us all

I couldn't paste the link but if you google this you will find it. "Wills: How to Give One Child Less".

Excellent advice!!!

My general rule is; as the care giver you need to keep a small spiral notebook and write down any purchase or money transaction, even if the money is a gift...write it down. That way you stay above the worry, then get a health care directive and you take care of the medical assistance and let another family member get the POA of the money. You are removed from that burden.
Next, call an old family friend, a minister or a therapy person and ask them to mediate a family meeting. Come with notes, do not baby talk, or boo-hoo...simply state this is what is needed, this is what we have, this is what I am doing...and let the 3rd party person do the talking to the family. No matter how hard, this of the situation as a business conversation...that is how you take the anger and years of family history away. You make it a problem to solve for you as a family and the 3rd party negotiator will handle the rest. Blessings on all that you do - francy Dickinson

You've gotten some great answers here, I think. I have relatives who are going through something similar. It makes me suspect that perhaps your siblings may be under some sort of undisclosed financial pressures, and may be feeling desperate about money, in which case a mediator and/or financial planner may help to bring clarity to the situation, establish clearly that your mother's money is for her care, and make their expectations for inheritance more realistic. You are saving the family money, and your scrimping on groceries won't salvage their finances.

Kivy, madge1: I have agonized about what my brothers might do after my dad passes and I found this article through Linkedin that may help me and others address this problem. It talks about having the parent write letters to his children explaining his decisions and why, and include these with the will. These will be given out at the reading of the will. I am grieving the loss of my brothers now more than anything else.

His inheritance? Just try putting your Dad in a nursing home and see where "His" inheritance goes.

Dear acook1432: I wish I could give you two stars! While your dad is alive it is his money, not their inheritance. It is not their money. You may want to talk to an attorney and see what you would need to do now to protect yourself from your siblings suing you (and winning) after your fathers death. Wow, what a complicated world we live in. I am glad that you dad appreciates your efforts.

P.S. Until someone is authorized over her money; if not already ( this can be changed by using an attorney to make you her POA with her in a compentant state of mind and present at the appointment) or becomes her Guardian ( she can do this thru the aging attorney sliding scale fee) and VOLUNTARILY make you her guardian. Until this happens, one day you will come home and they will have taken her away. FYI: elderly love attention and may think they are going for a weekend visit when infact they are moving her out. DURABLE POA is best; this covers compentant and noncompetent, alert or nonalert, and PAYABLE UPON Death( both of you in person at the bank with I.D.) is always valuable when visiting the BANK;NO ONE may withdrawal her money except YOU; as this will help cover expenses should she die; the money will go to you. REMEMBER: Authorized Representatives are responsible for RECIEPTS at the end of the year. BUT most of all, chill out. IF you want to stay where you are and keep a roof over your head and hers and continue caring for mom, then do what they ask,,,,and allow them to visit and complain. "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but WORDS can never". wow, been there done that, Personally I would NEVER do it again. NOW I dont have a family : you can expect the same.

I take care of my Dad full time and I feel your pain. He is almost 88 and has lived with my family for over 3 years. He needed more care than he was getting in his senior community so the next step was a nursing facility. My brothers did not want to have him in their home and my Dad did not want to go to a nursing facility. He is as sharp as a tack and knows exactly what he wants to do. He has been helping my family financially as we have been struggling. He says that he wants to give us the money he would have spent going to a facility. My brothers say that i am despicable and that I am convincing him to do this. I have tried to talk with them and let them know what is going on with Dad but they have turned it against me. They have said very hurtful things about me and my husband, and that I am spending their inheritance. This saddens my Dad so much and makes him angry as they don't bother to come and visit. I would talk to an attorney about getting the POA and tell your family to either take over or shut up. I was stunned at my brothers reaction to his wishes, and feel that no matter what I do, they will not approve. Do what you need to do for your mom and yourself. Her happiness is paramount and you need to be healthy and rested to do it. You will have to deal with them after your mom passes, but do it from a position of strength. Good luck.