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Caring for my mom who had a massive stroke in 09, can't move her left arm and minimal on her left leg, right mind but she is so depressed and talks about missing my dad who died in 96, feel like I can't do anything right

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I do not have any answers. I get extremely angry & frustrated with aunt & uncle. I cannot unload on them but I get quiet & somewhat distant. Uncle senses this & becomes even more childish & petulant than he already is. I think if they had been nice people before the onset of dementia/AZ I MIGHT have more sympathy...but they were not. Someone told me to just look at this as a job & try to detach. That has helped some. I eagerly await the day when I can permanently leave.
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Hi Hope14,
You've already done far more than a lot of people could. It's definitely time for professional help for your mom. I know that you love her very much. That is one reason to get help from the outside.

Caregivers burnout. That's where you are and for a very good reason. You are not a failure. Your mother's disease has reached a point where she may need to be in a nursing home. At the very least, you could call an in-home service in your community and see if they take Medicare for a weekly showering. I've been told that they do. Even so, you are struggling with much more than that.

Your mom would feel terrible if she could understand what this is doing to you. Unfortunately, her brain disease makes it impossible for her to "get" this. So, you have to think of her when she was well and remember that she'd have hated to have your give up your life and your health to take care of her.

Type the name of your state in your browser and type "aging" next to it - Oklahoma aging. This will give your the department of aging for your state. There are many links to choose from in order to get connected with local services. I see that your state is on the PACE (Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly) which is wonderful. Try that link. They are likely able to send help to you.

The bottom line if that you need help both for your mom and yourself. A burned out caregiver is bound to have a sharp temper and say or do things that they aren't happy with. That is not failing - it's natural burnout.

If you are feeling suicidal, call 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-SUICIDE (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline). Careline at 405-848-CARE is also good option.

Re-read Jeannegibb's excellent answer to you, as well. We are all behind you. Please get back to us and let us know how you are doing. We'd like to know if PACE or another agency in Oklahoma is helping you.

Taking action – such as coming to Agingcare – is one good step forward. Now take more action by getting help for your mom and yourself.

Blessings,
Carol
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Of course you love your mother, Hope14, and you want to please her. You also want what is safe and good for her. Because of her dementia she often cannot or will not cooperate with your very reasonable expectations. This is frustrating! Yelling doesn't help, but it is a very human reaction. It doesn't mean you are evil or unworthy. It just means that you are doing a very difficult job and you aren't perfect.

You have been doing this for years. Dementia gets worse over the years. This job is getting harder and harder. You need and deserve some help! You need help taking care of Mother, and also help with your own feelings. And the most urgent help you need is with your suicidal thoughts. Here is a single page website with numbers you can call in OK: https://www.ou.edu/content/police/psafe/number-nyne-crisis-center.html Please look at it, print it out, and have it ready when you are feeling overwhelmed. You are helping your mother and you deserve someone helping you!

Both Mother and you deserve to have some in-home help. If you can get away and have some time to yourself regularly you are less likely to get overwhelmed. You are conscientious and caring. You are willing to seek help -- or you wouldn't have found this site and posted. Now contact the OK aging services department within Human Services. This site has the phone numbers: http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/aging/

Come back and tell us how things are going. We care!
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I hate myself. My mom has demnitia for years and I am the one who is taking care of her. she is a very good mother all her life.
I love mom very much. I quit a professional job to take care of her. her hygiene is poor . some times she refuse to change or wash her . I spend one hour trying to convince her to be cleaned after that I loose my temper and scream loud. some times I spend two hours to convince her. The problem when she is not clean she touch every thing and cause me feel disgusted.

I hate myself when I loose my temper. some times I wish I die. I get a lot of thoughts to kill myself. even I do not dare to do that.

I hate myself a lot . I dont want to yale at my dear mother. I want to please her.
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Don't know if you have the patience but the UK did some great research concerning stroke patients some years ago.They proved that the affected parts of the body could be retrained to function.It took time but over the coarse of a year most of these subjects were using their affected legs, hands again.The technique was similar to teaching a baby.Start with picking up larger (light objects) and on from there.
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You are NOT alone. And you are NOT failing. I can relate to what you are going through. I lost my dad in 2008, and I've been with my mom ever since. Actually, I moved back in the house with mom in 2005 when dad went into a nursing home. I'm an only child, so everything falls on me. It's gotten to the point where mom doesn't even try anymore, and I feel like I've taken on dad's role and more. And the thing is, mom isn't even in poor health, so there's no reason for her to rely 100% on me. I'm tired, angry, and I cry a lot. As a matter of fact I'm crying right now. No matter how much I do, it never seems to be good enough. Mom can be cruel and says the most hurtful things. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone tells me to take time to "take care of YOU." But I have less and less time to do that, and it's really taking a toll on me. Caregiving has to be the hardest job of all. If anyone out there has any answers or suggestions, I'm listening.
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I appreciate all your concerns and comments. I feel for each of you and hope you can find the source which will aid you in this journey so that you know you are doing your utmost to provide care to your loved ones. As a caregiver I felt those feelings of failure prior to my parent's passing, but now feel them more intensely. I go over and over the would have, could have, should have of every day life and of the final weeks and wish I could find some resolution. Peace to each of you.
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I am at the same point I lose my temper I do it 24/7 and try to explain to them if pushed too hard I will fall apart and they both would have to go to the nurseing home. they would be there today if we had a good one but we don't and why pay 7-8 thousand dollars a month for them to not be taken care better than what I am doing. They are sort of backwoods and would be made fun of. My mother is scared to death to be left alone my dad won't excerse with out me playing games with him he broke his hip almost 5 years ago and never really got going again.I live about 1/4 mile away but never really get to go home now but just a little while a day to take care of animals. My husband is being good about it for he does not want them to live with us. I am trying to hold on to family land which joints ours but there are days where if I had a million dollars I would give it up for one day off. I have one brother which is a hero in my mom's eyes. I have to take 2 naps a day as they won't let me sleep all night. I do this to keep for falling over. I miss my life I used to color my hair and dress up some I am not too good to do this but I am very weary. I look at the sunsets nature and try to tell myself this is enought but it isn't. I have lost my sprit. They have been pacrats as I have and now I want to get rid of my stash and work art with some of it but I can't. I feel really bad when I see them getting weaker and my patience is thinner but no one could carry this alone. Everything they have will be divided up in half while I do all the work and they think this is the way it should be. I will have to buy a brother out. They have no clue of what I have to do to keep them at home. My dad told me the other day he just didn't see that much I did for him. He thinks this is my duty I am not caregiver any longer I am a servent. I trully think God is making it so hard where I will let go. I will have to spend a long time after this is over cleaning up the mess. Wishing everyone a good day. Keep up the great work.
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You poor dear, I know just how you are feeling. I have learned when I get to that point I simply have to walk away from it. Go do something else and give yourself time to cool down. My mom has Mod/Severe Alz and sometimes the repetitiveness of her questions drive me crazy. How many times can she ask the same question in a 10 minute period - the answer "limitless". At first I would get frustrated and now I just answer the question over and over. My husband thinks I have incredible patience but indeed that is not the case. I really have to refocus myself. LOL
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After hearing my description of my mother's attitude, her doctor put her on Prozac. It's not Sunnybrook Farm here but it's a little less gloomy. Is your mother on an antidepressant? Also--and I know this opens a can of worms--is she paying you? It sounds like she would be in assisted living without you. I hope you are being paid so that you can afford occasional therapy, massage and (wine?) other things that support your own well-being.
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Your question reminded me of times when I would think I was failing too. There are frustrations in caring for a disabled parent. You want to "fix" them, and no matter what you do providing excellent care--it will not fix old age. Once I accepted that fact it was a bit easier.

Your care is so valuable for your mother but she sees some things can't be "fixed" and that's why she wants to be with her late husband. She is looking for a way out, a resolution. It is normal for us mere humans but she knows she is getting good care and that it is extremely difficult both physically and mentally for you the caregiver.

I would try to get some home health aides to help with the daily grind, it can give you time to sleep/rest. Lack of sleep really hurts the caregiver. I found laying down for a nap when my father was sleeping was far more benefical for me than doing the endless laundry, dishes and meal prep. I adopted the motto when he sleeps I rest or sleep and it did help.

Hang in there and try not to be hard on yourself and the care you are providing.
You are doing the best you can. I will pray you get some help and rest.

Elizabeth
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You are so right The caregivers that are caring for their spouse and watching them go away little by little is sad and depressing. The only thing we can do is carry on trying to keep them where they are happy. Our children are in the mist of raising young children and have no time to help. It is good to have insight from others that are caregiving. Please don't be hard on yourself you are trying your best. God Bless
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Georgia84, how long is it going to take her to "get back on her feet?" If you had a pleasant friendship going on and you related as equals it might be good for you both to have some company. But it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Have a heart-to-heart talk first, and see if there are ways to get this relationship back on a healthier footing. Let her explain exactly why she thinks she needs to take charge. If on careful consideration you find she might be right about a few things, then acknowledge that and welcome her help in those specific areas, without letting her be "in charge."

If you can't get off on a better basis for a relationship, then set a deadline for when she needs to find a place of her own.

Do you think she might be depressed? Is she still suffering from the breakup? I wonder if it would be good to suggest some counselling for her.
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What if the situation is reversed? My daughter at age 61 has come to share my home with me, as her significant other and she have split up. I do not need a care giver yet at age 85, and according to my doctor I am one of the healthiest 80 year olds he has ever seen and he deals in the speciality of Geriatrics. I offered her a place to live until she gets back on her feet. Now she acts as though she is now in charge of not only me but also my new home. We moved from California to Oregon, into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath Mobile in a Mobile Home Park for Seniors last June and since then her personality has changed drastically and when she is rude to me, I retaliate in kind. What is the answer to this dilemma?
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JoEna1, love your suggestion (via someone else!) to look on your mom as a patient. I'll have to try to remember that, thank you! Bit-by-bit, I'm cobbling together methods that work for me, thanks to everyone here. :-)
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I agree, you are not failing. Kudos to oreomeow's for sharing her check list and JAD711's suggestion about prayer. I do pray that God will forgive me when I yell at my mother and lose my temper. I pray for patience and hope that each day I'll do better, but I fail. But still I know that my mother is better off with me here. Oreomeow's checklist reaffirms that. I guess we all want to be Mother Theresas who never utter a word of complaint. If you are a Christian, then you know that we were not born perfect nor live in a perfect world. I suppose just the fact that we caregivers struggle with the human emotion of anger means that we are the right ones for the job. Imagine a caregiver with no conscientiousness of anger. They are called abusers. I've written this before: Someone advised me that I had to look at my mother as a patient. It helped me to separate some of my personal feelings as a daughter to try to give the best care I can. Of course, there's not a total disconnect. I KNOW she is my mother and that I love her and pray that God will be merciful when he judges me. But right now, on this earth, no one else is stepping up to the plate declaring, "I will take care of her and I can do a better job than you." I am not holding my breath, either. With God's help, and support of others caregivers on this journey, we do the best we can.
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I am sorry, I am blessed to have my wife with me helping daily, and these responses have been so amazing, thank you for all your kind words and help, there are days I feel like I am worthless and I pray and remind myself if I don't do it who will, I love my mom with all my heart, she is my mom and I promised her I would and they taught me to be a man of my word, thank you all so much for your kindness
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You are not failing you are just dealing with the ups and downs of being a primary caregiver. I felt I was failing my dad many times but oddly he reassured me that we were doing ok. As caregivers we tend to want to make everything "go right" for our love ones. If 99 things go well we focus on the one thing that didn't go well.
You are doing well but you probably aren't getting enough sleep. I always felt worse when I hadn't had enough sleep. Take care.

Elizabeth
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you probably tired and need some time off,are you can simple sit and talk with her knowing she has depression or just ignore things she is saying that causing you to get in tempra.and continued to do you best your reward will paid off if not now it maybe when you get to her age and need care for.
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This is certainly a nice place to come with concerns. I've been so upset with my dad recently that it's been difficult for me to warm up to him again. I feel like I've bent over backwards to help my parents and it's been so much more difficult than I ever anticipated. I think right now what I need is a break because I feel like I've been going nonstop for weeks. And another part of it for me is that my dad has been manipulative for years and so I go back to thinking about that along with what's happening now.

I think there's a lot of letdown when you feel like you've done so much to help and are feeling pretty good about your accomplishments only to discover the next day that all that time was basically wasted. I think there is also a lot of frustration when you really cannot do anything to help.

And I don't know if it's worse dealing with two parents. The good part is they have each other, but the hard part is I feel like I get one taken care of and then the other one is having a "crisis."

My mom has dementia, but thank goodness she is mostly very pleasant and happy. When she first got into AL she did not want help showering or changing her clothes, but we seem to have gotten past that, thank goodness.

The hard part has been my dad. He has been doing really well until just recently and now it seems like he's going downhill rapidly. He got shingles in July and has been struggling with pain, medications, not sleeping, not eating or drinking enough fluids, etc., etc. He's been in the ER and hospital several times now and it feels like all I'm doing is going to doctor visits.

He has lost 9 pounds in a month and he told me he was trying to lose weight!!! So now he's 147. He complained about breakfast (they are only provided lunch and dinner, but can get help preparing breakfast) because I guess he was tired of cereal. So, I went out and got some frozen breakfast sandwiches the staff could heat in the microwave for him. When I stopped by yesterday morning to check on him he had hardly touched it and he was very weak. I was so frustrated!

This morning I took him to the doctor and found out he was dehydrated and not eating enough. What he wants is for me to drive in every day and take him and my mom out to breakfast. I took him somewhere after visiting the doctor and he ate two eggs, two pieces of bacon and a piece of toast! He didn't even eat that when they lived at home, but that's what he's complaining about.

I love both of my parents and I want them to be happy, BUT I am not going to be his slave. As it is I've had to put a lot of things on hold. The staff at the AL facility are WONDERFUL. I cannot believe the care both of my parents are getting. My brother and my husband have told me to back off and I'm trying.

Now I'm going to go out and ride my horse!
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Hi, Don't be so hard on yourself. Your tired and caregiving is hard and takes a toll.
Go for a walk even just outside the house, write in a journal, make a phonecall to a friend, do a hobby or anything like read a good book for awhile.
Ask for help from family, neighbors, church family and go to the mall.
Go to a movie.
Get away from the situation so you can feel more relaxed and be able to care for your Mom.
Take a long hot bath and listen to some music you like.
I get annoyed too.......
Take care.
Frustrated2012
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lijoma62 - words to live by. Thank you for them.

"I now look at them with a full heart of love. Their days are now counting down and I am really going to miss them and their love that they gave to me."
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I'm often in the same place, and I feel for you. I don't particularly have any other answers, other than what those before me gave.

There's a great article here (https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-152629.htm) that was liberating for me. Yes, I tried to fix it all when I came to live with my mom and, 3 months in, felt like a failure.

Now, I look at it as the article suggests - at the end of the day, is she safe? Yes, at least as safe as I can make her, given the parameters she's set for me.

Is she clean? Well...mostly. :-) If I suggest I offer to help her shower or wash her hair...she says, no, I'll do it and she does.

Is she fed? Well...again, mostly. If she refuses to eat, I put her dinner away and eat my own.

Is she warm? Yes, I paid the electric bill.

Is she medicated properly? Yes, because I will NOT give up control of her meds, no matter what she wants.

Have I advocated for her? You betcha. Always and forever. Wound care wants to drop a feeding tube in her? Over my dead body. The physical therapy assistant at the rehab center refuses to work with her as I direct? Who tells her that she can't go home because she won't do as he says? New physical therapist who will work with her to keep her as safe as possible within my mother's parameters (yeah, that pta was a real jerk, LOL!).

Is she well-cared for? Well, I think she is, to the best of my ability and within the parameters she has set. Would I like to have her accept outside help? Of course. Would I like her to be in assisted living? Yup. But she won't and she isn't, so I deal as best I can with the hand that's been dealt me.

I'm not saying I don't lose my temper anymore. I do. But less frequently and less, um, explosively. I, too, apologize. But most of the time now, I kind of mentally throw up my hands and walk away. When it's bad enough, I drive away. I go shop, I go eat lunch out, I go do something JUST FOR ME.

And that all helps.

I read another article here that talks about putting yourself into THEIR reality instead of trying to drag them into YOUR reality. That helps too.

Good luck in finding what works for you - all these suggestions are great. You'll need to find the right combination that works for you...and I know you will! It'll take a while and, yes, it's a journey, but you'll get there.
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HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS TO YOU. YOU ARE ALSO PROBALY TIRED. TRY AND GET/TAKE A BREAK. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU....
BLESINGS,
DPRAYS
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I really think the key is "to apologize" that day or the next day. When I lose my patience, there are times I REFUSE to apologize because of self-pity and thus I am depressed, angry for days. But, the days I do apologize, it is so freeing ... to me and to Mom. My husband and I are so sleep deprived, and we know that is the biggest cause of our impatience. But, the apology changes our moods. Yesterday Mom asked me if I slept good. I told her that I did not because I yelled at her the day before, and then she was already asleep so I didn't get the chance to apologize, so I stayed up filled with guilt most of the night. She said, "Oh, you yelled at me?" I said, "I guess it is nice to forget things at times, that way you don't remember when I'm impatient and yell." She said, "I don't think I forget about it, I just push it to the back of mind and don't think about it anymore." (How brilliant is that for an 89 yr old!) A sincere apology is so important! I did not grow up in a home where anyone apologized for anything, so this is new territory for me, but when I'm able to force myself to swallow my pride and apologize, the peace comes and things are better that day.
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I think we all feel this way.

Yesterday I was cranky with my elderly mother for leaving her shoes all over her bedroom floor, because I thought they were a bad trip hazard. I put them all away, apologized to her for my grumpiness, and she said "That's okay, darling, I'll be the same way when I'm your age."....;-)
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I liked many of these comments, especially liljoma62's answer about how "their days are counting down now", and to look at your parent with love in your heart. I will try to remember those words, and Miston55's words, "My poor Mama, she needs me now." I do love my Mom with all my heart, but I find myself really short on patience frequently. And sometimes I actually feel she does little irritating things on purpose, but I know that isn't true. She is very clueless at times, and then other times is witty, funny, a great conversationalist, etc. I resist getting caregiver people or services from outside to come in for two reasons: one is that most services charge $ 20.00 an hour, which would soon break the bank if you used them even one hour five days a week, and the biggest reason is who knows who these caregivers are?? I know there are some excellent loving people out there who are caregivers, but isn't it a bit of a crapshoot, so to speak, as to who may show up at your door? Yes, supposedly they all pass background checks, and are bonded, etc. But this says nothing about their personalities and whether they're just in this business because they're forced to do something for money, and this is one thing that is fairly easy to get into. Think about it. I've heard some horror stories about caregivers taking their people's meds, leaving the poor dementia patient without pain meds, etc. (Because who's to say if the patient is getting what they need when they don't know which end is up.) I just can't risk having a stranger come in to relieve me of my duties because I would worry about whether I would get a good caring angel, or a devil in disguise. So, I go it alone, feel trapped a lot, which makes me depressed, which triggers anger and inpatience. Thus, I will try some of the suggestions: meditation, good thoughts brought to the forefront, walking away to get some clarity, patience patience patience. Always trying to remember that they don't mean to be the way they are. So sad. So hard. I keep hoping I'm up to the task because I can't think of having Mom go to a care place. She'd never last. :(
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When my Mom came to live with me for a a while so we could have her diagnosed correctly, I did not have a lot of patients for her new behavior. What helped me be so patient and loving was , I realized she could not help her behavior. It was now who she was. It is a disease she has and believe me if she knew what her behavior was doing to her family and to herself, she would be mortified. She has dementia and is not in control of her right mind anymore. If you to try and see your Mom as a person who cannot help herself anymore. It is not her fault. The roles have reversed. You are the caregiver just as your Mom was for you. Try to remember it is not her fault and you need to try and rise above the fact that this person who is so dependent on you, cannot help what she feels and does anymore. She has a disability now.

I have asked my Mom for forgiveness many times in the past year. Her new meds have brought her 98% back from that person she could not help becoming. I love my Mom so damn much. It is now my turn to return the love , compassion, understanding , support that she has given to me for so many years.

Change the way you look at thing and the things you look at change.
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Can you walk away from it for a bit? I find that when I am frustrated or angry the best possible thing for me is to walk away from it and come back after I have had a little break. It's not our fault, it's not their fault but it is a really tough situation for both of you. When you have had a really tough day make sure you get away, even if it means you are in another room of the house doing something for yourself. Treat yourself to something special, you deserve it!!
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Yes, totally can relate...I have found myself losing my temper as well with my mom. It's almost like every little thing she does is magnified and I find myself taking it all personally. Now, I know better, but I don't always remember at the moment. I have decided to come up with a calming, compassionate, more positive mantra that I can repeat to myself whenever mom does one of her "things" that bothers me...something like, "my poor mama, she needs me now". It's so very hard to watch our parents become people we don't know or recognize, stolen away from us by dementia, stroke, alzheimers, etc. It hurts to see what has been taken away from them...my mom has been without my dad since 1994, she rarely talks about him, but I think she does think about him often and the life they had and even what could have been. It can be depressing...I recently lost my husband to heart disease so I can relate to what she's feeling. I'm always open to talking about my dad and I think that helps mom whenever she feels the need, plus we have several pictures of the two of them, some just them, some with all of the family...perhaps this helps her as well. It's hard carrying on alone, it's just not the same having other family around, our spouses have/had a special bond different from all others and life can look so overwhelming after they are gone. Hang in there...don't be too hard on yourself...it's one day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time but we survive, we carry on, we are the caregivers! Thank God we have each other here...
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