My mother is 71 years old, has diabetes and high blood pressure. She lives by herself, but not far from me. She makes me feel horrible. She criticizes me for everything from my looks to my life style. I try to stay away from her. I call her daily, and every time I'm about to call her I get an anxiety attack. Even right now writing this I'm covered in hives from just the thought of the situation. She has pushed everyone away and is completely alone. She disowned me twice since Christmas. I can't take it anymore.
My mother wasn't just self-absorbed and kind of mean. She has bi-polar, periods of schizophrenia, and cluster B personality disorders: narcissism, borderline PD, and hystrionic PD. And dementia.
These are not cured with meds, but their behavioral aspects can be turned down: paranoia, anger, combative impulsiveness, and so on.
Once I got it through my thick skull that we were dealing with actual honest to goodness mental illness - not annoying old people behaviors, not anything I was just too inept to handle well - and stopped freaking out about it, I could take care of myself without the guilt. The support from people on this site really made a difference. The resources here made a difference. Counseling will make a difference.
Otherwise, I don't know where we'd be at the moment.
You are entitled to your own life and happiness. Sounds like your mom is a very negative person - you can't "fix" her, only control YOUR reactions/responses to her demands and attempts at emotional blackmail.
Best wishes with the therapist - if you don't click with the 1st one, don't be afraid to try another or another! I found I had to go through 4 or 5 to find one that worked for me.
People who have always been self-absorbed and narcissistic do not face aging well at all. They get very angry and since you are the nearest, it will all be taken out on you.
I would be very surprised if mom will see a therapist, but it might be a good step toward having her evaluated by a geriatric psych. Remember, she won't go willingly because all her problems are external to her - it's your fault and the world's fault (but it's not!) Please make sure YOU go to YOUR appointments.
Your job is to make sure your mother is SAFE. Not happy, not entertained, not anything else. SAFE. This may mean you stop doing the care tasks yourself. I could not with my mother. #1, she was mean as a snake to me but would be more compliant with others. #2, I had to pull myself out of that toxic dump. I am 45 this year, but it took me about 42 of my years to realize that I only get one life, and I'm not going to let her pull me down with her sinking ship.
I made arrangements to see that she would be safe in an apartment first, then a care center. I took charge of her money and bills as POA, then later court appointed guardian/conservator. I still resent the hundreds and hundreds of hours every year that I have lost to this that could have been spent on my family, vacations, or rest. My mother may be flat on her back in hospice now, but her tentacle are still quite powerful.
My advice to you is see a therapist and grow a thick skin. Very thick.
Take up your own cause and stop being mom's doormat. This takes effort on your part.
Put some physical & geographic space between the two of you. For your own sanity. You cannot be on demand.
My experience has taught me that narcissistic type people don't do well with in-home help because they take a power trip firing the caregivers every day. Even when it's hurting them to do so. I would lean toward finding a place for mom where they can accommodate her as her needs increase, and they will. You don't want to have to own finding her another place to go every 6 months.
She may behave somewhat better for "authorities" than she would in her own home.
YOU deserve your own life, on your terms. You're a grown woman, not Cinderella.
We are here to support YOU.
The dance of anger has many helpful behavior modifications for you to try. And it can offer insight into this bad behavior on her part. This way, you are still trying, and she is not. She will make the choice to either grow and learn or not. You are making the choice to control your life, control the inputs into your life, and you are being positive. No guilt!
Right now, you want to control her behavior, in order to keep trying to be a "good" daughter to her. You can't control her. Only she can. You can control you. But you can do it in a positive way that is good for you.
Guilt is for when you know you've done something wrong. You haven't. Seek therapy for yourself and meds for your mom.
Having said that, there is no law of man or nature that says you have to *like* her! I'm sorry her personality is so hard on you. Hugs x
Pity her, maybe seek help for her; but look after yourself first. I echo FF and Babalou's excellent advice.
Now think of her side of why she is angry. Your Mom is still quite young by today's standards and if she has her illnesses under control she can live another 20 years. Just about every one over 60 has high blood pressure, it's not a biggie if you take your prescribed medicine. Now diabetes is a bit more complicated so Mom has to either take her medicine or watch what she eats. There are millions of people with diabetes who live happy lives.
Ok, back to being angry.... why is your Mom angry? What is it in her life that she doesn't like so she is snapping at you? Since she is alone that means your Dad isn't with her anymore.... maybe, just maybe, you remind her of him personality wise.
As for trying to make Mom happy, not everyone can be Julie McCoy, Cruise Director, and maybe Mom doesn't want to be happy. Some people thrive on being snarly. Next time she is snapping at you, you look at your watch and say "oops, I got to be somewhere, bye Mom".
My parents lived by themselves, refused to move to a more elder friendly environment and Mom wouldn't allow caregivers in the house. Every time the phone rang I would jump out of my skin when I saw their Caller ID. My big panic was driving, I would start hyperventilating the day before I needed to drive my parents somewhere. No, they wouldn't hire a taxi, they wouldn't ride with strangers.
Since your Mom had disowned you, don't call her or answer the phone... lets things cool down for a couple of weeks. Then if she asked why you didn't call her or answered the say, just say "your disowned me". If she doesn't apologize and starts a fight with you, tell her your getting off the phone now, good-bye. And please don't call her every day, you already know she's not going to be kind to you on the phone.