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Hello there. My 87 year old grandma was admitted to the hospital a few days ago unexpectedly for what turned out to be a gastric bleed. Several hours after she came out of surgery, her heart rate and blood pressure dropped and she was moved to cardiac ICU. I did not find out she was even in the hospital until this point, when they began to call me for authorization for central lines and temporary pacemaker (her daughter, my mom, has passed, leaving me as next of kin). At this point they were concerned but not fearing the worst. I should mention I had not discussed any of this with her, her wishes for possible issues in hospital were completely unknown. I did what I thought she'd want, a central line meant no more needle sticks at least. Well, two hours later, she coded and they performed CPR and got her back. I live an hour away and at this point, I got there as quickly as I could. They would not let me back as by this point they were putting in the central line and temp pacemaker. They said I'd have to come back in the morning. This was around 10pm. As soon as I got back home, she coded again. Overnight, her kidneys failed. Her doctor called me next morning and said we could either put her on dialysis and keep her on the ventilator and temporary pacemaker, or turn off the machines. He told me her pupils were "fixed" and she most likely would never wake up or breathe on her own again. I had to make the call to say don't do any more CPR on her poor frail body. And I had to make the call to turn off the machines. I was there, I spent an hour with her before they turned them off, and she slipped away in just 10 minutes once they did. I held her hand until she passed on, and for several minutes after. I'm having trouble with this. Can anyone offer their story of "making the call"? I am 7 months pregnant going through this and she wanted to meet my son so badly, I am having trouble with this.

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Hugs to you. You handled it very well. Your provided as much peace as I think your Grandma would have wanted. Both my Grandparents died in my house on Hospice. It is hard. The Hospice counsellors were wonderful helping me understand that dyeing is part of living. The Chaplin at the hospital is a good person to talk to. The Chaplin in the hospital my dad was taken to after his massive heart attack was helpful also my local funeral home folks were right there with support. Making plans to put my mom in assisted living in a few days. Life goes on.
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Hugs to you
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Confused96, I am so very sorry that you had to be the one to make that decision for your grandmother. Your love for your grandmother shines through your words. I had to make the decision for my father when I was 26 years old and he was 52. You did the kindest and most loving and honoring thing you could possibly do for her. She lived a long life and died without prolonged suffering when it was her time to go. You made that possible for her. My father was much younger, but it was his time, as well. It was AWFUL and heartbreaking to have to make the decision, but I was the only one who could do it for him, and so I had to--just like you had to. My father's heart was damaged, and it just got weaker and weaker. His other organ systems began shutting down, including his kidneys, like your grandmother's. The fact that your grandmother lived only ten minutes after life support was removed was confirmation that her body was ready. Please be very gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Know that in time, it will not hurt as much as it does right now. You did well and took care of what she needed you to do for her.
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Confused96: Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother and send deepest condolences. In answer to your question, I did have to make the decision. I was living and caring for my late mother out of state in her home when she suffered an ischemic stroke. As DPOA, that was a tough call to ask the medical team to administer tPA or not.
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My dear girl, I was in your shoes when I was 24 years old. The patriarch of our family suffered a massive stroke and never regained consciousness. I was taking care of him on the midnight shift for quite a few days while he lay unconscious in the hospital. Other family members took the day and afternoon shift. Although I was an RN I had not had much education about care of a dying person. (This was before Kubler Ross and the research on death and dying). I certainly had not had no idea what to do with my own feelings in this situation. The Dr. made his rounds the night he died and we discussed that his vital signs were not good and that he might not live through the night. I held his hand and called my father when I knew he was slipping away. I did not call the Dr back. We didn’t have respirators then but I knew if we called the Dr he would think he had to to do something and this might prolong his suffering. I let him die peacefully with my father and I speaking to him and holding his hand. Afterward I felt as you do now… guilty and worried that I did not do enough. when someone said at his funeral, “wasn’t it wonderful that you could be there when he died,” I thought, “No, it wasn’t.” I carried that question with me for a long time but in my heart I knew that there was a difference between prolonging life and prolonging the dying process.

I studied loss and grief and caregiver grief became the focus of my master’s thesis.

I am now the age he was when he died and I have long ago accepted the decision I made as the humane one. I do urge people to let their loved ones know what you want when when you are dying.

But I urge you to let go of any guilt. You grandmother was lucky to have you present when she died. You loved her and you did the right thing.
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I’m so sorry you had to experience this. There is so much grief around decisions like this and the loss of what we expected to happen in our lives—like meeting her new grandson. We essentially made the decision beforehand by signing a Do Not Resuscitate order when we put my brother in hospice, crying as we signed it. At 65 my brother has a glioblastoma which has a terrible life expectancy. His 23 year old daughter is a daddy’s girl and it’s been very painful to realize he won’t be there for her wedding, grandkids, business startup. It’s so difficult to let our loved ones go. You’ll be riding the waves of grief. Don’t fight them. Go with them when the sadness and tears arise, and then you can move on. Appreciate the good things in your life too—that will help. Distance doesn’t help. I live 1500 miles from my brother and niece. Fortunately she and both have power of attorney although she looks to me for decisions. One thing to remember is you made the decision with the information you had, and you felt you had her best interests at heart.

This is a hard, hard way to learn but now you know how important it is to let your wishes be known so there’s less pain and confusion when things happen. Get it on paper. I have an advance directive stating what I want, and have it on the fridge so if need be EMTs can find it and make decisions. Also appoint a power of attorney for health who can make decisions on your behalf or another loved one if you can’t speak for yourself. It’s not the most pleasant thing to do but it will save some heartache down the road.
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My sister-in-law had to make the call for my husband's brother. I almost think she was afraid we were going to be angry with her but we knew he had fought so hard for so long because he wanted to see his grandsons grow up. The machines were all that was keeping him alive. He actually passed before all of the machines were turned off.

Later she commented that they had never talked about these things, never planned for their deaths, and it was all on her to make decisions. These are hard decisions to make, as you know. Be at peace, you did what was best for your grandma. She lived a good long life. Do you have a special story about her you'd like to tell us?
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As a grandmother of 2 granddaughters, my heart aches for you. I wish that you had never been put in this position, but if I were your grandmother and I could communicate with you right now, I would say, "Thank you!". You did what was best for her. I'll be praying that God will wrap His arms of love around you to give you comfort and the assurance that you did the right thing.
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Both my parents were very clear about end of life decisions, so I can't help you there, but I can tell you about my granddaughter and my father.
My father was interested in my daughter-in-law's pregnancy, and looking forward to the birth of her child, my granddaughter. Everyone was praying for a healthy baby, because it was a difficult pregnancy. She was his 5th grandchild, and he and my mother enjoyed regular visits with my older three grandchildren, and infrequent visits with my sister's grandson who lives out of state.
The day after my granddaughter was born, I showed my father a video of her crying. He commented that "She is loud," and was happy that she was healthy. I would have liked for him to meet her, but he wasn't feeling up to visitors, and she was too young to visit. Eleven days after my granddaughter was born, my father died. His funeral was the first outing my granddaughter had outside of her house.
A couple of months later, my granddaughter was at my house, and I noticed her smiling and laughing at some light reflecting off a windchime my father had given me when he and my mom moved into his retirement community. I thought, "She is talking to her great granddad."
Just yesterday, my husband commented that if my father were alive, our now 4-yr-old granddaughter would have had a special bond with him.
I think they do have a special bond. I think that someday, when she gets to heaven, my granddaughter will go running to hug him and recognize him as the person in heaven who has been watching over her all her life.
I will add that recently I have been thinking of people who died when I was little, who I barely remember as strangers that I never got to know, or who I can't remember at all. As a child, I was shy around them, but from this end of life, I recognize them as people who loved me deeply. Tell your son about your grandmother and how she loved him and wanted to meet him.
Hugs.
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I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and for your loss. We had to present the idea of stopping treatments (that were no longer helping) and going to hospice care with my dad, a very tough conversation. It felt like giving up hope. But it was also best, to stop essentially torturing a person who was going to die anyway. Your grandmother was blessed to have you looking out for her. I’m sure she knew your love and I wish you peace
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Bless you and I would say you did the right thing...I to had to take 2 people off life support in a 6 month period for my Brother after emergency brain surgery who was my fathers caretaker...brother being 69 yrs old with no DNR...then my Father whom I had to put in a NH after brothers death lasted 6 mos also without a DNR..this frankly was the first time I had heard of this....so I was in shock..after brother got this infection in his brain..sometimes I think why did I take him off LS..Doctor ran out of his room and said your brother will die in a NH in four mos.
after thinking that the operation that he had performed exacerbated or injured his brain paralyzed and due to operating on very deep areas perhaps caused the
ventricular bleeding...i was not expecting to be put in this position....ever.
Remember emergency surgery is questionable at best, there is no time to transfer
patient to a more qualified Hospital or Doctor....after the fact....Dad was 97 yrs old so he had a peaceful palliative ending...bleeding in his gastointestinal tract.
Lesson here is get your papers in order.....the timeframe for death is a mystery and daily fear with seniors.
So i simpathize with you ...........
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The situation was unexpected...and if your grandma had wanted to give you guidance about her wishes at end of life, she would have brought it up.
This scenario - reasonably healthy 'old' elder admitted to hospital to try to find cause of symptoms. The toppling of the dominos that leads to failure of multiple organs often can't be stopped....as in your grandmother's situation.
You chose for her what you thought she would choose for herself. That is exactly what your role was. You did the best you could with the information that you had at the time. We humans do much want to feel like we are in control of events that we second guess ourselves even after someone dies.
You are grieving. See if you can find a bereavement support group. Hospices have them, often a hospital does, too.
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My father was in pretty good health until 85, then he had prostate surgery and it was a decline after that. He went into assisted living at 89 and was ok for another year or so. By the time he was 91, he was just existing. No longer watched tv or listened to music. Everything except his heart was failing him. It was heartbreaking to watch. But he was still upright and able to get around. My biggest fear was him getting to a point where he was bedridden and hooked up to all sorts of machines just to keep him alive. I saw no point in torturing a person like that. It wasn't like he'd eventually get better (younger). He took a fall last year and ended up in rehab and caught covid there. He was asymptomatic. Then he had a heart attack and was at that point I never wanted to see. I asked them to keep him comfortable but not to take any measures to keep him alive in that state. I do not regret my decision.
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You did your very best, based on what sounds like very sound medical advice, to do the loving and kindest thing for your Grandmother. We can only do our best even if it means something doesn't happen the person would have liked. It is not your fault in anyway that she didn't get to meet your son, and you saved her a lot of pain and distress. I have never had to make that particular call, but my father who had been having a hard time with failing heart, diabetes and other issues that meant he had only a few weeks, always did his own insulin, and one day he asked me to do it - I knew what he was asking and I bottled out, I still feel (27 years later) that I failed him, we all get difficult situations. I think your Gandma was lucky to have you.
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My deep condolences to you. I'm sure your grandmother is looking on with love for you and your baby. You handled everything beautifully, and with grace, and it is really hard when you are expecting, with great anticipation your beautiful boy.
The hospital did have to provide the care, and I assure you that you made the most compassionate decision. I had to make a similar "call". Care for yourself and your little guy. Ask your OB/midwife to help you find counselling.
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You are dealing with a lot of losses in a short period of time. Of course, you are having problems processing all of this experience.

As an RN who works in critical care, I have been with many patients when family has to "make the call." Without any decisions made by family or the one with power or attorney for medical decisions, medical staff will do everything to keep the person alive. In your case, your grandma had a series of unfortunate health incidents that were not compatible with life. I am sorry that you did not get to see her until the end of her journey. I am also sorry that she will not get to meet your son. I am also glad that you were with her before she passed; not all family get that opportunity.

Let me share a little nursing info that might help. Everybody that experiences "loss" tends to follow a similar journey through grief. Dr. Kubler-Ross outlines 5 stages of grief or loss:
Stage 1 - Denial - the feelings that this situation is not real
Stage 2 - Anger - the feeling of anger or indignation that this isn't fair
Stage 3 - Bargaining - ineffective efforts to bring back what was usual
Stage 4 - Depression - the sadness and regret of realizing the loss is permanent
Stage 5 - Acceptance - finding peace in midst of the loss

Some people find it helpful to attend a grief group - a group of folks where everyone is going through loss of a loved one. I highly recommend GriefShare; many groups meet in churches. If you find you are having a difficult time processing the loss of your grandmother, please consider this group for help.
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When my father was on his way to the hospital after having another heart attack my mom found a neighbour to follow the ambulance and the rest of us scrambled to get there from out homes, shortly after assembling the doctor came out and pretty much told us there was no hope and asked permission to turn off the machines. We all looked at each other and sort of nodded simultaneously, I mean there didn't seem to be any reason not to accept what the doctor was telling us. Now 25 years older and wiser I do sometimes wonder if we should have insisted they try harder, but the past can't be changed and we made our decisions based on what we knew and believed at the time.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Nothing you did changed the inevitable. It was her time, and you allowed nature to take its course. People can be kept "alive" with machines for ages, but it doesn't mean she was alive.

You're in an interesting place to witness both the end of a life and the beginning of another in a short span of time. It truly is a circle, and you're seeing it happen right in front of you.

Share photos and stories of Grandma with your son and she'll be memory for him, too.
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It seems you had no more viable choices left.
So very sorry for your loss!

Please start singing and playing some music for your son so he can be healthy when he arrives. You can honor your grandmother somehow with a mention of her at his birth.
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I'm so sorry
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Thank you so much everyone. Hugs.
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You did the most loving thing. Pure love. She is at peace and will watch over you and your child always 🦋
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You did the right thing, compassionately. I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Trust yourself, you did the merciful thing here.
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I had to tell the hospital no more intervention for my MIL. It was the kindest thing I could have done for her as her CHF and COPD had gotten so bad she was in the hospital on a ventilator 3 times in 2 months. Each time, it was harder and harder to wean her off the ventilator. Our PCP said if they couldn't wean her off, she would have to go to SNF as it would be hard for us to care for her at home.

I was very sorry to lose her, because she was the sweetest lady in the world, but the thought of her lying in bed hooked up to machines for God knows how long broke my heart.

So our PCP told the hospital no more intervention; to give her a light sedative so she would not be in pain, and hubby and I stayed with her until her sweet little heart gave up. She was calm and pain free, and for that we are thankful.

So don't beat yourself up. You were with her at the end and she knew she was loved. And, I promise, she will be watching over you and your baby. Hugs to you.
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I recently had to make the call for my father. Sign a DNR or not? I discussed it with my mother, and we agreed that because of his current stroke and brain surgery, we knew he would not want to be hooked up to ventilators and such for who knows how long, so we signed it.

Your grandmother was 87. She had a long life. A real shot at happiness. Now, your baby…. What wouldn’t you do for that little baby with their whole life ahead of them? I have 2 myself, and the answer is anything. I would do anything for them, not because I love my dad less, but because he’s had a long life, and they haven’t.

You did the humane thing. The unselfish thing. The right thing.

HUGS.
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Great big warm hug!

It was her time to go. Everything that happened proves that.

As hard as this is please take comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering.

Nothing else could have been done to save her.

My dad kept pulling the vent when he was in the hospital. He always wanted every measure taken to preserve his life, yet he pulled the plug when it was his time to go. I promise you it doesn't make the loss easier.

Take time to grieve for your loss and then be joyful for the new son you are bringing into the world. He will know great grandma through the stories and happy memories you share.
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