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I hate to even think my father would do this, but I think sometimes he says or does things to make me feel sorry for him or worry about him. For example, whenever he knows I'm upset because of something he said, he starts saying he does not feel good. I'm not saying he's faking but I have noticed a pattern. Also, sometimes he does not answer his phone. I will get worried and drive across town and find that his phone is on silent. He keeps his phone right beside him all the time or he's reading news articles on his phone so he should still see he has a missed call. I just called him three times.. no answer. I was getting ready to go over there and then he calls. He said he did not hear the phone and I reminded him that it was right beside him when I left.. so then he says he was outside. I realize that he's gotten older and some of things he does is because of that.

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Many elders make an art out of manipulating us with their Woe Is Me stories, my mother was one. Had one set of stories for me, and another set of stories for the rest of the world who served her in Assisted Living. For me, she was lonely and starved of attention, dying and in pain 24/7, for everyone else, she was Strong Like Bull and blowing kisses to her caregivers while yucking it up. Two entirely different faces were presented depending on the audience. Keep that in mind with dad.

I'd like to address your statement, " I guess I just do not understand why someone would be this way. I would never do this to my daughter. I want her to be happy. I have already told her that if I get in a position that I can not live alone, that it is ok for me to go to assisted living. She says would not do that but I want to know that it is ok if it comes to that."

We don't understand this type of manipulative behavior bc we're normally functioning people. People operating with mentally ill/ personality disordered or dementia riddled minds don't think normally. Stop trying to "think like dad" bc you Can't! Just chalk it off to his dysfunction and find coping mechanisms to deal with it, and boundaries to set up to prevent you from getting sucked into the games.

Re: the stigma of Assisted Living. It's pure nonsense. My folks lived for 7 yrs in an AL that looked and felt like a 4 star hotel with all the amenities. I should be so lucky to have the financial wherewithal to afford Such a thing in old age, that my children would have that peace of mind, to know I'm well cared for in such an environment. We must all ditch that nonsensical thought that AL is some 19th century insane asylum and recognize it for what it truly IS in 21st century America: the answer to a prayer for those who can afford it, and for us "children" of difficult parents we can't and won't have living with us.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this, faithfulbeauty.
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jeanniebug1969 Jun 2023
I'm truly grateful your parents were in such a great assisted living situation. However, it's important to remember there's still many AL's out there that appear great on the orientation & walk-throughs, but what goes on when nobody's keeping tabs on the patient can still be horrific in many AL's. I have a good friend who's 93 year old Dad had to go into AL. Their entire family searched & searched for a "top of the notch" facility. They finally found one. It was sooo expensive, but very "high end" in the richest part of town. (A very big city) When they went back 24 hours after he'd been admitted, his clothes & bed were absolutely SOAKED in his own urine & feces. He hadn't been fed, he was dehydrated because they hadn't even brought him water. Worse, his "roommate" that shared his room (there was a curtain between them), was in his 70's, & was masturbating furiously when they walked in, with the curtain not even pulled up for privacy. Ugh! My friend & her family were furious. They confronted the staff & were told they'd been "short-staffed the past 24 hours." They also said their Dad's roommate had a mental disorder that caused him to masterbate all the time. My friend & her family immediately literally pulled him out of there soaked in urine by themselves & never went back.Their Dad wound up in hospital that night due to dehydration, & bcus the AF had not given him any of his meds. Including his heart meds. :(He stayed in ICU until they found a really good facility a few days later. They say if you put a family member in an AF to be sure to check on them often. In person. And make sure the staff knows the family (or anyone) is keeping an eye on their care. I've seen & heard way too many Nursing Home horror stories. Including male orderlies having sex with the older, defenseless female residents. AF's & Nursing Homes can be a great thing. But never ever put someone in one & not check on their care frequently. The staff needs to know people are watching them for appropriate care. Abuse can & does happen all the time in these places. There was a Nursing Home up in the Midwest that got busted for the young FEMALE workers taking pictures of themselves sitting on the old men's laps. Laughing & exposing the elderly men's private parts. It was disgusting. Many of the caretakers in AF's & Nursing Homes don't make much money. If I caught an AF or Nursing Home staff treating a loved one like that, I'd probly wind up doing real prison time.And my mom's a diagnosed Malignant Narcissist who also has BPD.They're helpless, sick & weak at that stage of life. There's no excuse for it. It makes me sick that facility workers can be so cruel & sadistic. Just watch out for whoever you put in AF's or Nursing Homes. 👍

I've personally known too many friends who've had terrible experiences with supposedly great AF's & Nursing Homes. I'm years away (hopefully) from needing one. But they'd literally have to pull my dead carcas out of the bottom of the Mississippi River before I'd go live in one. It IS terribly lonely for alot of the residents. I haven't lived an entire productive, good life helping my fellow human beings just to wind up lonely, scared & sick in my old age. Screw that!
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Yes, yes and yes. My mother has always been manipulative with her learned helplessness and it's worked for her benefit. My father was a giver who needed a damsel in distress so they were a perfect match. My brother was especially used emotionally by my mother and he ended up never marrying and drinking himself to death by 60 years old.

Now there's me - the only one left to manipulate. Even when my daughter, a friend and a sitter all told me - independently on different occasions - that my mother was manipulating me emotionally because she enjoyed my reactions, I scratched my head. (My friend recommended the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries".)

My mother had me on a roller coaster. She called me to her bedside in January 2020 after breaking her hip and told me she was dying. That tore me up and I got so upset I had to call my cousin just to talk through it. What he said to me has stuck with me since - he said "she is enjoying the attention". I was like....what???

I still hadn't connected who she was, how she treated me while growing up and what was gong on at the time. Eventually I began to realize that I was being manipulated to feel sorry for her so I would pet and coddle her beyond what was necessary.

I read the Boundaries book. I tried to define what my role as her caregiver required of me.

It's been a journey and I things are still not perfect, or as I would like for them to be, but I no longer allow her to drive me to despair in order to get attention.

It's really sad that our natural love and concern for our parents is taken advantage of, but it's a reality for many of us.

Peace.
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Kinglilly Jun 2023
Yes I’ve noticed this with my mom now,, my baby sister lives like this. I can’t even stand to talk to her anymore she turns everything into wo is me. Ugh
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Isn't it just awful when your parent over-plays so that you feel guilty for NO REASON!!!
We moved into a home across the street from my parents when my dad had a stroke, and we knew we needed to be there to help my mom. She was always playing the 'help me' card. Whenever we tried to do something without her, she'd wait about 5 minutes then call, saying that we never come over and what would she do, and how would she manage. Yup, we'd turn around, forget the movie we were going to, and be with her. Time and time again.
One time, we had a very small earthquake, and she called with "heeelllpp me". Of course, we ran across the street. We found her in the living room, stretched out on the floor, face down with the phone about a foot away from her. So by this time, some of the neighbors had also come into her house to see what the commotion was about. I know how she fakes everything just to get attention, so I got on my knees beside her, leaned down and whispered to her that I knew she was faking, and the neighborhood was now in her house, and she'd better get over it. She gets up on her knees, gets to a chair, gets herself up and says, "Well, that certainly was some earthquake."

I guess what I'm saying to you is that our parents take advantage of us when they can. And that you can only be taken advantage of if you allow it! Just hope you don't do the same to your kids when the time comes!
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Beatty Jun 2023
Academy award heading your Mother's way. 🤣 Oh gosh, sometimes funny , sometimes tragic, the drama Queens in life keep us busy.
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My mom does this all the time. Attention seeking behavior, martyr complex, "I'm not feeling well so I can't (fill in the blank)" or "it didn't work for me" or "I didn't get the text" or "you said X" (I said Y, 8 times).

It's not new behavior…it's her lifelong habit of being shifty. Worse now that she's in her 80s. Utterly exhausting mentally and emotionally. My sister and I are spent.
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YES, is the answer. Maybe some of it isn't their fault. It's a way of trying to retain or exert some sort of control when they feel it slipping away. But it's still disruptive and distressing, and there's always the, "What if he/she isn't faking this time? I'd better head over there just to be sure" dilemma. My mother's schtick is threatening to die or kill herself. I've started pretending I don't hear these comments. My favorite was when she threatened to 'run away'. My answer? "Mom, you CAN'T RUN. Maybe you could 'shuffle away'??" I wish I had advice for you; I don't. But know that a lot of us out here feel your pain.
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A little help can mission creep it's way to running another person's household.

It can be hard to SEE the invisable line from one to the other. But your gut will probably FEEL it.

What's your gut telling you?

"I need any advice I can get. I wash all his clothes weekly, clean weekly, grocery shopping and take him to all doctors appointments".

Your Father's army-of-one is advancing...
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As posted in another thread….your Dad would benefit from assisted living. You can go back to work and living your life.
Then if you call and he doesn’t answer , you know he is safe in a facility . You could always call the facility staff to see how he is doing . Not sure if your Dad is being manipulative or he’s lonely or frightened . Start looking for a new home for Dad with or without him .
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This situation is all too familiar for many of us.

I used to drive to my mom’s house when she didn’t answer the phone. I would show up not knowing what to expect and then she would say, “Oh, honey. I’m sorry that I was in the bathroom when you called.”

This was before mom or I had cell phones. She had one phone in her hallway and she wouldn’t hear it ringing if she was in the bathroom showering.

We can’t possibly know if your dad is putting on an act. I’m sure that it’s hard for you to figure it out right now. Everything is a guessing game in the beginning of this new chapter in your dad’s life.

Maybe your suspicions are correct and your dad is looking for attention from you. Some people do want others to feel sorry for them. They get satisfaction from seeing others cater to them. The truth is usually that their behavior is working on our nerves and we are growing tired of it.

Don’t allow this situation to get to out of control. The minute you start to feel resentment towards your father, it’s time to make some changes that will benefit each of you.

Start researching care options for dad, a facility, a caregiver but don’t even think about him moving into your home. Trust me, been there, done that and it is very challenging to have a parent living in our home. Avoid it at all costs.

Best wishes to you and your father.
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From your previous posts I think Dad is playing games. There was a member on here that just laughed at their parent when she would make certain remarks. "Right Mom" type of thing. He is acting like a child, you treat him like a child. "Dad, you must keep the volume up on your phone because this is the last time I am driving across town when u don't answer" Install cameras where you can look in. I don't own an Alexa but are they 2 way so you can call and he can answer?

Make your call 1x a day as a check in. If he doesn't pick up leave a message. Make him realize that he is not funny. That this is not cute. Remind him of the boy who cried wolf. Tell him u do not have to help him and it would not be hard to walk away and leave him on his own. He needs u more than you need him. Lay down the law.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2023
jeannie, your level of perfection is admirable, and it gives us all something we can aim for.
But most of us are only human.

We have periods of imperfections, episodes of mini-breakdown, longings for a more normal life , frustration, and --dare I utter the word?-- even anger sometimes.

I am not seeing the levels of "cruelty" you are seeing here in responses, but we are all different.
While I do admire that you have a depth of understanding with regard to your elders, I also think that your judgement of others here is just a little bit "harsh".

I think most people on Forum are kind, and are, at the least, "trying". People who come to the forum, for the most past, are already steeped in guilt: feeling not good enough, patient enough.
I always try to reassure that we are NOT Saints; and that it isn't a great job description, anyway!
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My experience with both parents and now a 94 year old aunt taught me they regress to childlike behaviors. Yes, they are very manipulative.
All three also had dementia.

My sincere suggestion to you is set some boundaries and hire part time help. Is he still driving and is he able to do basic care for himself? Maybe he needs an occasional housekeeper to clean and tidy up.

Don't be so available.
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jeanniebug1969 Jun 2023
Boundaries are important, but nobody can rationally expect someone with DEMENTIA to ALWAYS remember boundaries, if at all.

"Don't be so available."

Geez. Really?? Your parents put up with you when you were childlike & TOTALLY helpless as a newborn infant, then a baby, then a toddler. We ALL cried & screamed alot as little ones & drove our parents nuts at times. Sometimes everyday till we got old enough to understand the world around us better & talk. And they put up with us when we were (at times) hormonal, moody, know-it-all, not-so-fun-to be around teenagers.

It's now time to be a grownup & return the favors they did for you for many, many years.

I definitely agree that hiring Caregivers & housekeepers to help out is very important, if the family can afford it. Because yes it's very important the family gets "breaks" so they don't get burned out, & even resentful. I've seen that too many times.

These people are sick. They're not thinking straight half the time. It's up to those who ARE thinking straight to come up with do-able & liveable plans for their care.

If you can't be "so available," find people who can be, for their sakes & yours.
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