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You could try talking about how dangerous other people are. Or that a lot of people 'our' age stop driving because reflexes slow down and we wouldn't want to get in a wreck where someone else gets hurt.
You might just have to try and chg subject quickly.
I had someone drive my husband’s truck to the repair shop (which he was ok with) & eventually sold it from there without it ever coming back to our property. The “at the the shop” excuse worked for a while, but he eventually wore me down over that and wanting to go get it, so I confessed that it had been sold. He has made my life a living hell over it ever since, although he hadn’t driven in almost a year by that point. He equates the truck with his manhood & has forgotten plenty of other things, but getting that truck back has become his reason for living. In retaliation, he has even hidden my keys to see how I “like” not being able to drive. But I would do it all over again. Oddly, we drive somewhere everyday so he can get out of the house for a bit. Never once has he asked to or even considered driving the car - says he doesn’t want to, but is OBSESSED about getting his truck back, particularly at night (in & out of the garage repeatedly in the wee hours looking for his truck). It is pushing me to my breaking point. Tried just hiding the keys early on, but he obsessed over counting keys & would have other people looking for them. It causes him great anxiety & agitation, even on medication, but it is what it is. I can’t allow him to drive. Period. Full stop.
AND, it is in his medical record that his PCP, neuro-psych, and gerontologist have all told him “No Driving”. He says those are just recommendations that he stop. He doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with him & is in complete denial of his diagnosis (anosognosia).
indubuque: Imho, I would NEVER be the deliverer of such news to an individual; I would request that his physician be the informer. That way he cannot be angry with YOU and if he's upset with his doctor, perhaps he can get a new one after his present physician signs off on 'no operating a motor vehicle.'
True story: I was EXTREMELY fortunate when my legally blind, living alone mother exclaimed "That is that last time that I back my auto into my driveway." I was like "Great, I can't even drive my own car in reverse and here is my mother almost blinded by wet Macular Degeneration stating this. God bless my late mama!"
He is actually grieving his loss of independence and, anger is a normal human emotion that accompanies grief and loss. Viewing his anger through a lens of grief associated with his loss of independence ( driving and perhaps other things) helps to put it in a more palliative perspective. As long as in his anger he is not harming himself nor others, allowing him to verbally express his anger is an important part of affirming his grief and, affirming his dignity. Listen to him for a bit ( time to be decided by you ) but then, gently redirect the conversation to something neutral, like maybe ask him to take a walk with you, or to help you do something like maybe fold towels or clother, or is you have time ask him to look at old pictures with you for a bit, or ask him if he would like to have some dessert with you etc etc. You can try letting him go on and on about it if you want as long as he is not becoming overly agitated and it does not seem to be increasing his anxiety too much. You will need to decide. But at some point it may be helpful to him to redirect the conversation gently since with his dementia he may perseverate on things like this and not be able to regulate and moderate his own feelings, behaviors well. Also, since he does have dementia, unfortunately, he will tend to "revisit " this and perhaps other things as he cannot remember that it has already been addressed.
Good luck. This is the hardest situation. My father lost his license because of ALZ and we can’t keep him out of his car. We tried hiding the keys, disabling the car, etc. He just went out and bought another car. I live 3000 miles away so monitoring him daily is impossible. At some point he will get pulled over and maybe that’s what will end it.
When any form of (perceived or real) independence is lost, removed from a usual routine or is part of a person's life that they are losing, they will react from FEAR, ANGER, or any other emotion.
It is a difficult time for everyone concerned. I believe I read it is one of the top difficult situations a person loses - their ability to drive.
I suggest ACTIVE / REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
* Listen to their concerns and feelings. * Reflect back what they say * Just 'be' with them (I feel your pain . . . I hear you saying ...) * Let them know you understand how they feel 'without' setting up an argumentative dialogue (tricky). * Consider how (much) and when logic will help. Usually logic won't help, i.e., the DMV won't renew your license... the person is feeling a loss INSIDE and this is what needs to be addressed.
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT:
* Find other ways to manage the 'hole' in their life due to the inability to drive.
- are their people who will drive him/her? - Are there activities or things to do such as going for a walk (I know this won't cut it, but it is good to shift focus and get some exercise).
* Read Teepa Snow's website area on this issue. She has good suggestions on how to handle this difficult time.
Hopefully, with time, and perhaps needed medication, the person will calm down although due to losing independence, it is then a matter of dealing with DEPRESSION.
It is generally good to put our self in their position to FEEL what they feel (i.e., I know how you feel, I am sorry) vs telling them 'what to do' or 'placating' their feelings. This is a time to NOT dismiss how a person responds / expressed feelings, it IS a time to be there - in present time - with them / their pain and disappointment, and understand it is FEAR talking.
My uncle was in his early 90s when his vision problems became worse and he had to give up driving. He went to assisted living, where he was happy. He missed working in his home workshop, though. He had a yard man that he'd employed to work in his beautiful home garden and to check his house and do repairs there, so the yard man picked Uncle up at his assisted living almost every day and took him to his house where Uncle puttered around in his workshop for a while as the yard man worked there. Yard man also had a couple of other houses in the neighborhood where he did chores, so it worked out well.
Sometimes we have to be creative and think out of the box to figure out what's available for our LOs when they hit a brick wall. As it turned out, Uncle didn't miss driving as much as he missed his workshop. Once that was figured out, a solution was found.
This represents a significant loss of independence.
Was he a “car guy?” Did he always dream about traveling cross country and never have the opportunity? is he the kind of person that would spend all day “out and about?”
If I lost the ability to drive I would feel pretty lost. It’s healthy that he wants to talk about it instead of just internalizing his pain.
Try to find the reason this hurts him most and help him fill that empty spot. Go to a car museum. Travel together cross country - or take a road trip that he chooses. Subscribe to a service for seniors that provides rides, or help him become comfortable using Uber and Lyft. Talk about how wonderful it is to be dropped off right in front!
Tell him that this is his time in life to stop worrying about the road and instead, enjoy the view.
When he wants to talk about how and why this hurts him, give him all your attention and listen to his concerns.
The best scenario is if you never have the conversation or argument where you are trying to convince them that they are unable to drive. If they believe they can, it is too much of a blow to their fragile state to tell them otherwise. It is such a huge thing, losing that control, independence, and freedom. Tell them anything otherwise. It needs work, the keys are lost, the doctor doesn't want them to drive for a bit while they rehab. Apologize, be empathetic. If you can, leave the car there for awhile for familiarity. Or take it away when they are understanding of ut needing to be in the shop. But then you have to hope that foesn't them asking about it constantly. Eventually, they get used to not driving. Especially if you take them anywhere they want to go so they don't miss the freedom. If they are homebound, I love what another post said about giving them other means of control over their life. Taking care of a plant is a lovely idea they had. But really, just respect and love them at every turn. God bless!
Do you still have HIS car? If yes, have it towed away... say its broken, whatever. If he says to fix it or buy a new one tell him an ungodly price that you know he would never pay. Tell him the insurance is outrageous, and they need him to have an eye exam, physical anything. Also, if you can give him something he can be in control of, a fake bank account, a flower/plant something that he thinks only he can control. Alz is more of losing control and if he can control something he might be fine with it. Remember, Alz is not a set thing either you will need to try different things and its all finding that thing that works for them.
I’m in a similar situation. The reality is my wife will never drive again. When she asks I try to deflect and change the subject. I have her car a beautiful Mini Cooper that has not been driven in 2 years. I need to sell it but I know it will crush her. I am waiting for the time she can face reality too. The bad part is trying to get her to do that would only increase her depression. A tricky situation
I don't think reality means the same thing to her as it does to you. Maybe getting real clear on the consequences, including bankruptcy and jail time (orange jumpsuits), or they won't mean anything to her either.
Maybe you could donate it to a great charity in her name or to the next senior class valedictorian. She could be involved in something that improves lives.
A Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications for depression.
My Alzheimer's-ridden mom, when she was about 88, could no longer drive safely, even though she thought she could. I called her doc's office and explained the situation, and when I took my mom for that appointment, the doc said that my mom probably shouldn't drive any more. When I said I can take her anywhere she wants to go, the doc said that my mom was lucky to have a daughter like me., but of course, my mom didn't see it that way. Evern with Alzheiemer's, she sensed that we were in "kahoots" with one another, but my mom's reaction time, road perception and decison making wasn't what it used to be. Luckily, "karma" (or as I call it, car-Ma) intervened, and the car stopped working. She insisted that we have it towed to a mechanic, and he told her, like another person who posted here, that it would be hundreds of dollars to fix, and even at that, since the car was older with other problems, (like my mom, I guess), that he couldn't guarantee the car's longevity, so she somewhat reluctantly decided to let me be her chauffeur, and we sold her car. I agree with others' suggestions, that bringing up other forms of transportation is a good tactic. You can say how it's relaxing to leave the driving to someone else.
I would answer "Really? Let me look into it. Who should I talk to?" something along those lines. A friend's mother found the car keys, picked up her husband at the hospital (they had called the house to say he could go home, and she answered.) Hospital gave him to her, and they disappeared for two days. When they found her, police put him in an ambulance and told her to follow. Guess who disappeared again? Everything ended well, but their daughter aged 10 years.
Sorry to learn about your loved one's frustration.
Disable the car to keep it from use. The vehicle can even be relocated.
Have you contacted his doctor By Yourself to file a report with the DMV?
As other readers have said, distract him to another subject. Has he tried other types of transportation, although less convenient?
What I did for my late mother was keep her little red car away from her access for over year. I then took it in for service and showed her a $500 estimate for safety work. She decided to not pay for it but instead to sell the vehicle!!
I only hope your situation works out like it did for my 93-year-old Late Mother.
I ALWAYS “throw” this to the AGENT who made the DECISION-
”Oh my gosh Honey, I wish there were something I could do to help you, but (Dr. Whoever-your therapist-the driving supervisor- WHOEVER TOLD YOU or your husband initially that he could NOT drive) said that driving was IMPOSSIBLE, at least for now”.
”Let’s wait and see if anything (Dr. Whoever etcetcetcetc) has changed the next time he sees you”.
It NEVER worked to try using facts or reasoning with LO, who would escalate very quickly if I did try.
Deferring and changing the subject didn’t always work, but did give both LO and me SOME relief sometimes.
”Now let’s see if (whatever you know your husband likes) is ready. We’ll talk about this later……”
It sounds like your father-in-law did alright for himself--98 and still getting around.
Basically, when someone especially the men can longer drive, to them it's a loss of freedom. What you could do is say, don't worry wherever you need to get to, we will make sure you get there.
It's really about getting out and getting around especially if your FIL was out and about only five weeks ago. I had to take the keys off of my mother in a flash--basically pull the car over, give me your keys--end of story.
Mom was not minding the road, focusing more on the gas gauge and her distance was off (early stages of Lewy Body Dementia, only we didn't know it at that time--peripheral vision was off). Mom was/is on blood thinner which would be a nightmare if there were to be an accident.
But, my mother gets to all of her appointments. She is not trying to "find" people to give her a ride to the hairdressers, cardiologist, blood lab, etc. I, did, however, get my mother a Real ID which is a government issued identification card. This can also serve as a license.
My mother actually thinks she can still drive and tells people she has a license, but this is not the case. But I let her think so. My mother will not be returning to the road for everyone's safety but her needs are met.
HI. My father-in-law who is 98 in two months time can't understand why he's not allowed to drive anymore. He was still driving 5 weeks ago. Following a breakdown mentally and very unsteady on his feet, the Consultant has told him he is not legally allowed to drive. Yet, my FIL keeps asking why not and gets very frustrated. The only way we are able to deal with this without us crazy or snapping at him is to calmly say you know you are not able to drive for yours and others safety. If he continues to protest we leave the room calmly. I think that due to his age related cognitive function decline, he will keep on asking to drive so we just have to stick to what we say and do. We have hidden the car keys. For your own sanity...walk away if you can until he drops ghe subject. We know how hard it is so good luck.
You could agree with him. "I know, honey, it's so frustrating. I wish the doctors had come to a different decision. But what can we do that would make you feel happy right now?"
You can try redirecting him onto something he enjoys like ice-cream. Also if his car is still sitting in the driveway, perhaps it's best you sell it or give it to a family member so he doesn't have to look at it and it be a reminder. When my late husband could no longer drive, I had my son take his car and sell it for me, so my husband didn't have to see it when he looked out the window. And with all things dementia, this too shall pass.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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He will be most angry if you can drive and he cannot.
Make sure he doesn't have a license or insurance. Then you can ask, "Where is your license?" and use that as the reason he cannot drive.
You might just have to try and chg subject quickly.
AND, it is in his medical record that his PCP, neuro-psych, and gerontologist have all told him “No Driving”. He says those are just recommendations that he stop. He doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with him & is in complete denial of his diagnosis (anosognosia).
True story: I was EXTREMELY fortunate when my legally blind, living alone mother exclaimed "That is that last time that I back my auto into my driveway." I was like "Great, I can't even drive my own car in reverse and here is my mother almost blinded by wet Macular Degeneration stating this. God bless my late mama!"
You can try letting him go on and on about it if you want as long as he is not becoming overly agitated and it does not seem to be increasing his anxiety too much. You will need to decide. But at some point it may be helpful to him to redirect the conversation gently since with his dementia he may perseverate on things like this and not be able to regulate and moderate his own feelings, behaviors well. Also, since he does have dementia, unfortunately, he will tend to
"revisit " this and perhaps other things as he cannot remember that it has already been addressed.
Practice good self care for yourself .....
It is a difficult time for everyone concerned.
I believe I read it is one of the top difficult situations a person loses - their ability to drive.
I suggest ACTIVE / REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
* Listen to their concerns and feelings.
* Reflect back what they say
* Just 'be' with them (I feel your pain . . . I hear you saying ...)
* Let them know you understand how they feel 'without' setting up an argumentative dialogue (tricky).
* Consider how (much) and when logic will help. Usually logic won't help, i.e., the DMV won't renew your license... the person is feeling a loss INSIDE and this is what needs to be addressed.
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT:
* Find other ways to manage the 'hole' in their life due to the inability to drive.
- are their people who will drive him/her?
- Are there activities or things to do such as going for a walk (I know this won't cut it, but it is good to shift focus and get some exercise).
* Read Teepa Snow's website area on this issue. She has good suggestions on how to handle this difficult time.
Hopefully, with time, and perhaps needed medication, the person will calm down although due to losing independence, it is then a matter of dealing with DEPRESSION.
It is generally good to put our self in their position to FEEL what they feel (i.e., I know how you feel, I am sorry) vs telling them 'what to do' or 'placating' their feelings. This is a time to NOT dismiss how a person responds / expressed feelings, it IS a time to be there - in present time - with them / their pain and disappointment, and understand it is FEAR talking.
Gena / Touch Matters
Sometimes we have to be creative and think out of the box to figure out what's available for our LOs when they hit a brick wall. As it turned out, Uncle didn't miss driving as much as he missed his workshop. Once that was figured out, a solution was found.
Was he a “car guy?”
Did he always dream about traveling cross country and never have the opportunity?
is he the kind of person that would spend all day “out and about?”
If I lost the ability to drive I would feel pretty lost. It’s healthy that he wants to talk about it instead of just internalizing his pain.
Try to find the reason this hurts him most and help him fill that empty spot. Go to a car museum. Travel together cross country - or take a road trip that he chooses. Subscribe to a service for seniors that provides rides, or help him become comfortable using Uber and Lyft. Talk about how wonderful it is to be dropped off right in front!
Tell him that this is his time in life to stop worrying about the road and instead, enjoy the view.
When he wants to talk about how and why this hurts him, give him all your attention and listen to his concerns.
Maybe you could donate it to a great charity in her name or to the next senior class valedictorian. She could be involved in something that improves lives.
A Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications for depression.
Disable the car to keep it from use. The vehicle can even be relocated.
Have you contacted his doctor By Yourself to file a report with the DMV?
As other readers have said, distract him to another subject. Has he tried other types of transportation, although less convenient?
What I did for my late mother was keep her little red car away from her access for over year. I then took it in for service and showed her a $500 estimate for safety work. She decided to not pay for it but instead to sell the vehicle!!
I only hope your situation works out like it did for my 93-year-old Late Mother.
”Oh my gosh Honey, I wish there were something I could do to help you, but
(Dr. Whoever-your therapist-the driving supervisor- WHOEVER TOLD YOU or your husband initially that he could NOT drive) said that driving was IMPOSSIBLE, at least for now”.
”Let’s wait and see if anything (Dr. Whoever etcetcetcetc) has changed the next time he sees you”.
It NEVER worked to try using facts or reasoning with LO, who would escalate very quickly if I did try.
Deferring and changing the subject didn’t always work, but did give both LO and me SOME relief sometimes.
”Now let’s see if (whatever you know your husband likes) is ready. We’ll talk about this later……”
Reppeatrepeatrepeat as necessary.
Disabling the car or hiding the keys won’t help him adjust to its “loss”. If it’s actually GONE, there’s a 50/50chance that he’ll forget about it.
It sounds like your father-in-law did alright for himself--98 and still getting around.
Basically, when someone especially the men can longer drive, to them it's a loss of freedom. What you could do is say, don't worry wherever you need to get to, we will make sure you get there.
It's really about getting out and getting around especially if your FIL was out and about only five weeks ago. I had to take the keys off of my mother in a flash--basically pull the car over, give me your keys--end of story.
Mom was not minding the road, focusing more on the gas gauge and her distance was off (early stages of Lewy Body Dementia, only we didn't know it at that time--peripheral vision was off). Mom was/is on blood thinner which would be a nightmare if there were to be an accident.
But, my mother gets to all of her appointments. She is not trying to "find" people to give her a ride to the hairdressers, cardiologist, blood lab, etc. I, did, however, get my mother a Real ID which is a government issued identification card. This can also serve as a license.
My mother actually thinks she can still drive and tells people she has a license, but this is not the case. But I let her think so. My mother will not be returning to the road for everyone's safety but her needs are met.
My father-in-law who is 98 in two months time can't understand why he's not allowed to drive anymore. He was still driving 5 weeks ago. Following a breakdown mentally and very unsteady on his feet, the Consultant has told him he is not legally allowed to drive.
Yet, my FIL keeps asking why not and gets very frustrated.
The only way we are able to deal with this without us crazy or snapping at him is to calmly say you know you are not able to drive for yours and others safety. If he continues to protest we leave the room calmly.
I think that due to his age related cognitive function decline, he will keep on asking to drive so we just have to stick to what we say and do.
We have hidden the car keys.
For your own sanity...walk away if you can until he drops ghe subject. We know how hard it is so good luck.
Redirection helps, I've found.
When my late husband could no longer drive, I had my son take his car and sell it for me, so my husband didn't have to see it when he looked out the window.
And with all things dementia, this too shall pass.