He's 83 and has been living with me for 3 yrs. My brothers never came to visit when they lived in the same state and now have moved from Alaska to Arizona and want take dad there for a visit. I am concerned that this would be very confusing for him to be going to different changing environments that would not be ideal for his situation. Can anyone share their possible experiences with a situation like this?
I live 800 miles from my mom. When my dad died in 2007, we, my younger sister (who lives within 40 minutes of mom) and myself, tried to keep her in her home. That lasted about a year. She lives in a very nice assisted living facility for memory care patients near where her home was. We and she both thought at the time that keeping her in her home town, would allow other interested family and friends access. I use to have my mom come to visit me. We had a caregiver travel with her. Although she had visited and stayed in my home many times, it was very still stressful on her and my family. Although my sister is very responsible and dutiful with my mom, there is little social interaction. My sister sacrifices her vacation to bring my mom to her doctor's appointments. Earlier on she would include mom in family gatherings. Since my dad died my mom has become severely distrustful and hateful towards my sister, so I don't blame my sister one bit. Very few people, if any regularly visit with my mom. As far as mom thinks, she falsely believes that no one has visited her for months. When I speak with her (on the phone or in person), she really doesn't remember who I am. I personally yurn to move my mom here. I don't know how she would react to the move, so I don't do it. For the most part she seems to be able to remember where her room is. I don't know if she could relearn anything. So when I get to go home once, possibly twice a year, I stop in and visit. She tells me about her fantasy family of 6 kids (there are only 2 that we know of) who live very far away and that are too busy in their lives to visit. She complains about where she lives. She doesn't know why she has been put there, but she knows one day she will get out and be able to live her life. In the next breath, she is explaining about what a wonderful place she lives and they take very good care of her and allow her to be as independent as they can. It rips me apart inside. I go back to my home and live with guilt and doubt that if I moved her closer to me that she may be happier. I selfishly fantasize about stopping after work and joining her for meals and holidays and hanging out with her on weekends. Some days, I pray for her to be permanently released.
Maybe you could make a deal with your brother. If he came and stayed with you (or you take this time to get a little break) for a week and he took care of your father in your home, as a trial, you would have more faith that he is able take care of him, or more likely, your brother will realize that he is incapable of taking care of your dad and that your dad shouldn't be taken away from his stable environment. The education for both of you may be enlightening and enriching. Best wishes.
Does your dad have any money that they want to get their hands on? It will be harder for you to get your dad back from so far away in another state.
I'm sorry to bring that up, but their sudden desire to be involved seem suspicious.
So I guess this "Since my friend couldn't/wouldn't visit him, his kids moved him to their nearby Kaiser (3 hr from my friend) and that was the beginning of the end; once boyfriend was in nursing home the kids ensured he made a new POA naming them and revoking her and it goes on." indicates the kids were not acting in their dad's best interest? Maybe they should have left him to just be alone...
Bullseye,
There are quite a lot of horror stories posted on this site. Most people don't post the good and happy events/news. Unless your family member (brother here) has displayed bad are harmful behaviors, I think you should consider the effect your decision and how you handle the request, may have on your relationship with him/her. Once your parent dies, he/she maybe your only remaining family. I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind. I'm sure you know in your heart why your brother stayed away. Education for your sibling along with thoughtful and considerate dialog should be the starting point, not listening to only the horrors listed on this site.
My own mother was having some early dementia symptoms. She lived in her own home a block from me, and I have taken "care" of her for ten years. Up to the age of 90, she drove & volunteered in a local elementary school. Due to balance and memory issues, I have been more involved with her transportation and shopping. But lately I had to spend more time helping her remain "independent." Any change in routine caused confusion. For example, she took her vitamin every day at the same time. When the doctor prescribed the only Rx she ever needed, I put it in her pill box with the vitamin, and told her to take them at the same time. She stopped taking everything, because there was an extra pill & she didn't know what to do with it. I had to go to her house 3 times/day, just to be sure she took her meds and was eating & drinking. I brought her food and snacks. She didn't want to join us for meals, didn't keep the same hours as us, etc.
She fell, and was hospitalized. While there, she became more confused, and the doctors said she could no longer be alone in her home. She was moved to a rehab/nursing facility for PT & OT. While there, she 'named' her children, but they were all her siblings. She became more depressed and uncooperative, wanting to go home, but not knowing where it was. She cried, yelled that she can't trust me, etc. We moved her into a beautiful assisted living/personal care facility, 1 mile from my home. She accepted that she was there "for a while". My closest brother is 4 hour drive away. The other is 3 states away. Both offered for her to live with them. Neither realized the level of need, or that she is so emotionally attached to routines. My younger brother visited her, and decided this was best for her. Uprooting her, requiring her to get used to new environments, would cause more stress. Also, the only people she would see are them. Where she is now, former neighbors, card club members, and other friends she has made over 10 years come and visit. She has been there one month, and although she still thinks she will be able to go "home" she no longer cries about it, and just keeps "working" on her walking and memory so she will be able to leave.
My brother asked her if she would like to come stay with him for a couple weeks, and she said no. He asked if she would like to go for a short while at Thanksgiving, and she said she wants to take things one day at a time.
Let your brothers come for a week while you go to Arizona...
No one is suggesting that the brothers COULDN'T or SHOULDN'T help with their dad, just that bullseye should be cautious and investigate their motives.
If you have read many of the horror stories posted on this forum, especially dealing with money and moving across state lines, the sudden interest of the brothers deserves some scrutiny.
This forum is to post opinions, personal experiences and support. I take the position that if I know something, I share in the most informative way I know how. It is up to the poster to correlate the information given as it applies to their own situation, of which we only know a part.
What a can of worms so to speak. Do they even know what's involved and how to take care of your dad? You don't say what state your dad is generally in, behaviorally, how he handles new environments, movement, lots of people buzzing about, chatter, etc. And what are his bathroom, bathing and other hygiene needs.
What is his level of recollection? Why would he need to go see Arizona, and maybe mess him up mentally, if he wouldn't even be able to remember it?
And how would they plan to get him there? Long car trips are usually a recipe for disaster. Flying is often something that freaks out dementia patients, sometimes not until the very last minute, and often also due to security regulations and TSA pat downs.
Some have gone so far as to rent RVs when a trip of any length is involved so the patient can have a bed and a bathroom whenever necessary.
Depending on the length of the trip, the mode of transportation and your father's condition, your brothers maybe biting off more than I can chew.
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