My dad passed away from dementia in Aug of this year and yesterday my mom who had Parkinson’s along with CLL and congestive heart failure plus a host of other problems passed away. She was so sad after my dad passed; she would often say she can do it. He was supposed to outlive her and how she wishes she could just go home to him. I was their primary caregiver for both for the past 11 years, my son was extremely close to both, and now I feel a little lost like he does. How long does it take for this lost feeling to go away? At night I still hear the death rattles in their chest and the oxygen machines my siblings were here towards the end enough to come in and say they had something to do with taking care of them, but they weren’t, none of them understand what it’s like hearing all that and remembering it all. I’ve never had a real job I’ve always just taken care of them and now they’re both gone in a three-month time. I’m just feeling lost.
You probably are feeling a bit adrift. Your entire life has changed in such a short amount of time. Please be patient with yourself and find ways to experience some normal activities with your son while you both learn to navigate your new normal.
I have seen broken heart syndrome first hand. Our neighbors when I was young had been married for decades, she fell ill and passed away, Sam was perfectly healthy but, he loved Vesta with all of his heart, he withered and died within two months of her death. So yes, your mom could have died from a broken heart.
I have to say, I have always remembered the beautiful love shared by these neighbors and I think you were very blessed to have parents with that much love.
May The Lord lead, guide and direct you in this new season, may HE be with you and your son and give you peace, strength and happiness.
My condolences on your losses. I'm sure you're feeling lost and remembering that labored breathing is a terrible memory. When your mind goes there, replace that sad thought with a happy memory of your parents laughing together. Try to push the ugly memories from your mind and remember they're both at perfect peace now, having all their earthly pain and disease blessedly healed. Give yourself time to grieve and to then carve out your new normal once you're feeling more centered.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
I personally find it very sweet and quite romantic when I hear stories of that happening.
I'm sure you are feeling quite lost right now, and find yourself wondering what you should be doing. That is very normal after years of being a caregiver.
I did the same thing after my husband died in 2020 after caring for him for many, many years. I wandered for months, until I slowly but surely started to find my way to a new life and once again found joy.
It didn't happen over night, but it did eventually happen, because I made the choice to LIVE and not just be alive.
And my husband too made horrific noises the last 2 plus weeks of his life, that I had a hard time getting out of my mind, but that too has subsided, and if one of those memories try to sneak back in, I immediately try and replace it with a memory of happier times with my husband.
So be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal and mourn the parents you loved. Not all of us are/were as fortunate as you to have had good parents, so thank the Good Lord that you did, and focus on the many good times.
May God bless you and keep you.
"Christakis and Elwert analyzed nine years' worth of data gathered from 373,189 elderly married couples in the U.S. Their findings showed an 18% increase in "all-cause mortality" for men whose wives died first; for women, the risk is 16%. Although the percentage of males was higher than females, there was no significant difference to state that men were more affected than women. It is hard to say whether men or women suffer from the widowhood effect more, however, it is clear that it is higher in couples that are older."
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widowhood_effecthttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widowhood_effect
I'm very sorry for your losses. May you receive peace in your hearts and a fresh direction in your lives!
We often hear on Forum of children who either give up their job to caregive, or do not assume a career and education to caregive. The outcome is not only predictable but inevitable given that the parents will pass and any modest income that came of caring for them is gone. We hear of children, themselves already entering their later years, homeless, jobless, without a career history, and quite desperate. You are not alone. When you dedicate and enmesh your own life to this extent in sacrificing it to your elders, all that you feel is normal to feel. I will suggest that you try to see a licensed social worker in private practice for counseling. A few sessions may help you work out a plan. Working toward having a life of your own now will help with the depression you feel. Your doctor may suggest low doss anti depressant medication so you can form a bridge over the initial grief. If there is by any chance a grief support group it will give you not only support but a lot of ideas from those who have been where you are. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you so much luck. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon. But know you can work this out. You have already done the hardest job on earth.
Give yourself some time to grieve. In your own way, in your own time.
In time, the difficult memories will fade and the good memories are the ones you will want to remember.
You may never forget, but the sharp pain does fade. Everyone is different, but after the loss of your precious parents, you will feel lost.
Try listening to some soft, relaxing music as you fall asleep-to drown out the sounds you are recalling and are meant to forget that part.