Today my vain, materialistic, narcissistic, 83 yo mother who is 90% wheelchair dependent, but with no major illnesses said something I don't believe I will be able to forgive her for.
she and my 79 yo dad do not want me to marry my fiancé as that will mean I will not be their live in caregiver anymore. I have suggested assisted livings, small apartments near me, etc. They refuse those options and tell me to just let them die.
she and I never had a good relationship though she will say she was the perfect mother. I am 50 yo only child with 3 older teenagers.
She says that I tore up her home. That is all she ever cared about was her house ( and its still not paid off at their ages).
So in our fight today, she said my fiancé was the reason I have changed (meaning wanting to leave) and she brought up the fact I wanted an abortion when I learned I was pregnant 20 years ago. I am devastated that she said that in front of my youngest child- regarding his siblings. Yes, I did consider it, but I am so glad I didn't and my kids are the best aspects of my life and I love them with all my being.
So I told her I hated her and left.
Now I am sad, mad, heartbroken, quilt ridden, scared, etc.
Any advice?
Why should you have to give up your fiancé to take care of them? This entire situation will become too much for you sooner rather than later anyway. 50 isn't old but their conditions will only go downhill with more time, and before you know it, it will be a lot harder to pick them up and move them from bed to toilet.
Think carefully about your own needs, maybe for the first time in your life. You've been given very good advice here this time and in November. Call 911 if they threaten suicide, call APS if they can't take care of themselves. I know you said they helped you out when you went to live with them. You are now and have been for a while doing commode duty among other things, right? So it's not as if it's a one way street. I'm not kidding when I say this will get a lot harder, especially on your own.
I took care of my extremely cooperative and grateful mom for 6.5 years in her home along with my husband and my sister, who is partially disabled. Mom had health and mobility problems. There were THREE of us taking care of her. She never got nasty or mean and was in agreement with us on her care after it became apparent she couldn't make it on her own. I am telling you all of this because we had a very good series of circumstances and it was still the hardest thing I've ever done. We couldn't get much in the way of outside help at all.
Had my mother been emotionally abusive to me, my husband or my sister it would have been impossible to do this for her. We all lived with the knowledge that even under these "perfect" circumstances things could change on a dime. If it was unsafe for any of us she would be placed.
My husband and I had an established relationship for a decade before we moved in to help take care of mom. He was a willing and even enthusiastic partner in this. My mom loved him and he loved her. We still had to work on our marriage after we moved in because it's a lot. You have a situation where your parents sound dead set on destroying your relationship before it gets off the ground. Your honeymoon period will be non existent. This is not fair to you or to him. Keep in mind that it is likely they will end up in placement no matter what you do now, so it's not worth it to give up your new love.
Please update us. I hope you will take the very good advice you've been given by folks much more experienced than I am, all of whom are telling you the same thing.
My late father-in-law said mean things to and about me during my late mother-in-law's long descent into Alzheimer's disease. My then husband agreed to become their live-in caregiver. My FIL clearly considered me and our children to be "competition" for the attention of my spouse. My spouse chose his parents over me and our children. I eventually got a divorce. My father-in-law allegedly cried when he learned about the divorce. My reaction, then and now: Really? He wanted his son all to himself, and that's what he got.
Take your life back. You matter.
Show your kid what standing up for yourself looks like.
Unburden them from this toxic mess.
Let your parents drive their bus into the wall. Let them fail. Stop propping them up.
Make HIM your priority now, your parents have had enough "slave service" already! Mom thinks she has you under control to do her bidding. They will realize you are gone and must fend for themselves. I'd just call APS (after you have left) to report two "vulnerable Seniors."
Your own kids know you are better person, and see your parents as ungrateful manipulators. Anything to try to take control. Get your stuff and leave. No warnings, either. Don't engage with Mom and her tirades, let her yell and carry on, and just leave. Of course you are sad and mad...but heartbroken and guilt ridden? Your heart has been broken already from years of abuse. You have NO GUILT, since you did not cause your parents to get old and sick! You have done the opposite by tolerating crap for years and doing what was expected, like a slave. Your life will change drastically and you will get thru this and be happy!
Good luck in your new life! Congratulations!
What an awful thing to say in front of your child. I would leave and like others have said; never look back.
Don't feel any guilt or be scared. Don't sacrifice your life for your unappreciative and spoiled parents! Did they ever pay you for your services, or give you free rent? Do you have a job?
Did they have to live with their own parents when in their 50s? Or do the hands-on caregiving for them? I doubt it.
You are at the prime of your life and need to cut the apron strings.
When your Mom starts with the "letting me die here" just tell her "OK. That is your choice." Stay calm and blow her off. She's going to try every trick to keep you staying there as her 24/7 Caregiver Slave. Don't take her bait. Calmly leave the room and keep removing your belongings!
Mom just proved she is a backstabber, manipulator, has no respect for you whatsoever and is a classic spoiled Senior Brat. Her goal was to get you upset and totally disrespect you by throwing out crap from 20 years ago?
I hate to ask how many years of your life have been taken from you for your self-absorbed Mother. She should be happy for you, and be looking for a new Caregiver to HIRE AND PAY FOR.
Listen to the excellent advice you've been given.
We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose whether we engage with them or how much. I spend as little time with my Mother as possible. I'm not obligated to like her. You need to internalize this.
You do not need to waste energy on being "...sad, mad, heartbroken, quilt ridden, scared..." Your parents did you the favor (all along) of showing exactly who they are. Why don't you believe them and move on with your life?
Report them to APS as vulnerable adults and let the system deal with them. Move on with your life, get married, and have no guilt. You didn't break them and you can't fix them. You will never make them happy and visa versa. If you continue to linger then really YOU'RE the person with the problem. Remember, your children are watching...
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you detoxify your life.
Your child is now an adult and in full control of being able to tell grandma what he thinks, which is likely similar, after which time he should cut ties with grandma. Really, everyone should.
Mazel Tov on your engagement though. Good for you. Go get yourself married and have a long and happy life.
The next time your parents start up with the just let us die nonsense, respond with only one word:
'Okay'.
Then walk away. I was a homecare worker for many years and I think you should tell your stubborn parents what I've told countless elders, their families, and even my own parent.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
So, if your parents refuse to be reasonable and refuse to "allow" anyone but you to do caregiving for them, they like so many stubborn seniors will have to learn the hard way. The hard way is you let them fail. The hard way almost always ends in a crisis that results in permanent nursing home or AL placement, or worse.
Tell them today that is they want to die of stubbornness, that's their choice. It will not stop you from moving out, getting married, and getting on with your own life.
1000% true.
"Hey mom, grandma said you wanted to get an abortion??!!??"
"I don't know what on Earth she's talking about. You know how grandma is. Do you really think I would ever have said any such thing to her?"
You wrote another post in November about this very thing:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-wrong-497216.htm
I guess you've taken none of our advice to move out of your parents toxic home? Why not?
They've had a lifetime to figure out their own lives but haven't. I suggest you figure out YOURS now and leave. And as I suggested in November, call 911 when mother threatens suicide. She desperately needs a psych evaluation. And you desperately need to move on with your life.
Normal people do not have a child to treat them this way in their old age. Check out this website too....
Outofthefog.website
It will help you get rid of the Fear Obligation and Guilt that has been programmed into you your whole life.
Good luck to you.
I suggest you take her up on her offer to "leave them to die". This is of course ridiculous as they have about a hundred options to take care of themselves and your leaving will not result in their deaths. When you stop being the solution to everything they'll have to grow up a little and figure things out for themselves. As they should have done a long time ago.