Help for my mother?

Question

Help for my mother?

Follow

Share

Hello. Normally I wouldn't be asking such a personal question, but I have no idea where to go with this. So..here it is. My mother hasn't had a job in over 24+ years (since I was born or even before then). She's almost 60 years old. She has no income, health insurance, or a place to live as her own. She's always had a man to take care of her and all her needs. The last one took off and moved to another state with another woman. So now she's been staying with me and I've been paying the bills (rent, food, anything else for her she needs). My problem I face is that I want HER to get her life together and become independent because I can't keep supporting her for the rest of my life. I'm engaged and want to get married and start a family together with my future husband, but it's difficult since she lives with us and I support her needs. She has no income, job, health care, doesn't drive (never did her whole life), she has back problems (compressed disks and a mild form of scoliosis I believe), a few mental health issues (ex. depression and anxiety). It's almost like she's 18. She needs to start her whole life over. I just don't know where to go or what to do. I want her to be independent and to take care of herself without relying on someone else to do it. Like she has so far for her whole life. I'd love some help as to where do I go for this situation and what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I'm in Pennsylvania, United States.

Medicaid Mom Multi-generational Living

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

47 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

Are any Goodwill places open in Mom's area? These stores and warehouses hire, and jobs train and pay no matter how long unemployed.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Walmart

Janelle Evans mom, Barbara on Teen Mom works at one, and she is probably at or over 60

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

One of my SIL's mother worked at Target well into her 60s. She loved her job. She was a housewife, mother and talented quilter with a lot of knowledge that she willingly shared with customers who came into the store looking for products. She got to know customers. Regular customers chatted with her even when they didn't need her help. She felt useful because she was useful.

(3)

Report

I am currently in my mid-sixties and can tell you that to me your Mom is young and has a lot of life to live.
With that said, the first thing you should work at is changing her attitude about:
- Working. If she can find a job it could offer her an opportunity to establish a routine, meet new people, and (not least of all) make money.
- Driving. Although she hasn’t driven so far, that doesn’t mean she can’t start now. Learning can offer her freedom that she has never had before. Also, it is fun!
- Getting her own place. My 96 year old aunt lives in a small government-run apartment for independent seniors that is fabulous. They have wine parties, trips to movies and shopping as well as other facility-organized activities. She is free to come and go as she pleases. Couldn’t your mother enjoy something like this?
The second thing you should do is change your own attitude. Even if none of the things I’ve mentioned come to fruition for her, you MUST move on with your life. It will not help either of you if you give up your dreams for marriage, children, an education or career. If necessary, see a therapist, social worker or clergyman to help you navigate how to proceed, but don’t give up!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Wheredoigo85, in reading through the many suggestions, I think bringing her to the Social Security office asap will be a fruitful place to start. Then you will clearly know what the options are (and where she can get housing).

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Social security isn’t the appropriate place to take her for housing info. I think perhaps you mean social services or health & human services?

(1)

Report

Was your mom married for more than ten years to any of the gentlemen in her life? If so, she may be eligible to get Social Security on THEIR account. I turn 60 next weekend, and on the third of next month will recieve my first spousal survivor check. Getting her some kind of income is your first step. At 60, with no prior experience or training, it is very doubtful your mom will find any type of real job, particularly if she is not motivated to work. If Social Security via the spousal route is not available, you can try disability, ssi, or welfare. Income is the key. You can also look into things like Section 8 housing.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Edit - It's never TOO late.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You do know there is a pandemic,right? She needs protection and support right now. She should apply for Every possible program available to her:medicaid,foodstamps,possibly s.s.I. Depending on severity of back problems. I may very well have the same back compression as many older people do,it Hurts!

Look into dept. Of health and human services or socialservices for programs specific to women:free mammogram,scholarships or training,transportation subsidy,low income/age restricted housing.

In the mean time,she can look into online jobs or at least do some work around the house and Contribute!

She also could probably use help setting useful daily and longerterm goals. Maybe finish a g.e.d. Or learn some computer procedures or software,indoor garden,yoga???

Do not forget the churches and social agencies.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Imho, even at this late stage in her life, she should be able to garner some kind of skill set. Perhaps she should work with her town's Council on Aging social worker. It's never to late!

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Is there any kind of public transportation where you are - buses? Is there any kind of dollar store, sandwich shop, fast food close to you - maybe even walking distance. Even a grocery store to check groceries. Lots of those places hiring right now. That's how she can get started into the workforce so she can build a resume and get something better. You can also check with social media like Nextdoor to see if anyone looking for someone to sit with older person at night or in the day - maybe some light housekeeping. If you attend church, put the word out there that mom can work.
Have the chat with her that you just posted. She NEEDS some sort of income and even with back problems there is usually something you can do to make money. Get her to apply to a few places for even part time work just to start. Just let her know that since she no longer has someone to support her, she has to make an attempt herself. Some of the depression likely comes from where she is right now - nothing to do all day, no one to take care of her and her bills.
- On the other hand, someone had a sister in same situation. Family counselor asked them why they were paying all of the expenses for her. They said exactly what you said - guy ran off and no income and no one to support her. Counselor said people that are looking for someone else to provide all the support will quickly find another benefactor when the current one stops paying for things. Counselor was 100% on that.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Please try suggestions that have been offered. You may need to set a date for when your mom needs to be out of the house as she may not take you seriously. Reach out to a county mental health department & ask about free or reduced assistance. My county (VA) has this & they also have a Social Worker to help with the other situations such as housing, insurance, etc. At this time your mom may not be able to do the planning or reaching out W/O your assistance. She may be experiencing confusion or feel helpless due to anxiety +/or depression. She needs to be in a better mental health status in order to progress towards taking care of herself. I pray that your mom's mental health will steadily improve to the point where she realizes that she can & will do this for herself instead of relying on you. Best of luck. Be there & assist but don't enable her.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

There are two problems here: one is money, the other is everything else. Without the money problem, I’d say that AL or IL would be good. My long-term single mother went into IL at about 65, and helped several other women there who had the same life history as your mother. Your mother would be helped to learn all these new skills together with other people, too. She's probably terrified at the moment, won't even face the need to learn.

Perhaps you could look for some type of senior living that had the same ‘group support’ going on, even if you had to subsidise it for 6 months. In the meantime, she looks around for paying jobs. Was the last man, the one who took off, your father? Could you see if he could help financially for a while? You've got lots of good advice here about benefits to look for immediately.

By the way, mild scoliosis is very common, and is not normally a problem at 60. Serious scoliosis deteriorates, and it’s a different ball game altogether (me). If she has never had Xrays that show her ‘Cobb angle’, it shouldn’t be serious enough to stop her working.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

She's 60 with no insurance, so assuming that means not on disability Medicare or Medicaid. Unless she has some medical documentation to verify there's no kind of work she can do, you're talking about (probably) a 2 year process of denials/reapplications to try to get either of those.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

I would start with your county's department of public welfare which includes financial and medical assistance. Your mother should receive assistance and be assigned to a case manager. In my state/county, an applicant is a also connected with career link. The department of public welfare may be able to suggest other agencies to provide assistance. Since the is 60, the area agency on Aging may be able to help too. The Y has a program called senior shared housing for which she may be eligible. I think a frank discussion with your mother is in order too. Boundaries and goals need to be set. Your mother needs to dig deep and find her ability to be independent. Living with you should not be a long term option. A deadline needs to be set and executed. Social security should also be explored to see if she qualifies.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

So, Social Security seems to operate on an underlying assumption that women born after 1954 have had an expectation of working and supporting themselves and not being dependent upon spousal benefts.

I say that because a huge change was made in the way that spouses could claim spousal SS if they had a birthday AFTER 1/1/1954. Folks BEFORE that date were/are allowed to claim one half of their spouses SS benefit and defer their own. The assumption appears to be that women born until 1953 did not grow up with the assumption that they would have to work.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

It sounds like mental health issues are more the problem. Mental illness is difficult to treat and is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Look at the NAMI website and see what resource might be available for you and for her.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

In addition to the answers below, go to your local OFFICE ON AGING. I think each county in PA has one. Get their input. Also call the hospitals for information, and the government agencies for input, Social Security, Medicaid, etc. Someone has to have some information to help. I fully agree you have to stop taking care of her. She made the problem, not you, and she has to pay the price. Somehow a way must be found for you to have a life. Can you also talk to an eldercare attorney for advice. Perhaps she could go into a nursing home due to her condition and let Medicaid pay for it.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I agree with you, MaryKathleen.

This woman was born in like 1960 or 1961? She came of age in the 1980s! Enough with the "this poor woman" schtick. In my opinion, this situation calls for a direct approach with plenty of tough love from a woman her own age who she can't manipulate. Or, she can crawl back to one of her ex-gentlemen folk and ask him to support her.

The pandemic has made it abundantly clear that money is drying up left and right. Millions of hardworking people are now living hand to mouth and at risk of losing their homes. I disagree completely with handing out precious resources like Section 8 to people like this woman when millions of unemployed and furloughed people need assistance. She made her choices decade after decade. The poverty this pandemic is causing millions of Americans was not their choice.

You can't fix your mother. She uses people. She used men and now she's using you. Sorry to be so blunt.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Best answer. And I don’t think she should get a Medicaid placement for her mild problems. She’s lived off men and now her daughter. The taxpayers should not be the people who support her bad choices.

(3)

Report

Start with a doctor's examination - 1 for physical health and 1 for mental health. Once you can get her as well-adjusted as possible, then you can address financial issues. Since she has very little job experience, she may need to find a job at Walmart, Target or a fast food place. Yes, she will be earning minimal wage, but bigger corporations have grants and educational opportunities that she can take advantage of.

Also get to an outreach program that helps women. I help at a women's outreach through our church in Florida that helps many widows and women leaving abusive situations. The counsellors can help her fill out applications for federal, state and local aid as well as help her move into more independent life situation.

I am re-entering the work force after 20 years away. I am going to be 58 years old. So let her know that it is possible for a better "2nd Act" in her life.

Please be aware that your mom may become more dependent again as she ages. Strength, agility and health tend to decline as we all age, Talk with her about options and plan for this eventuality.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Today is Mother's Day and I hope you have a good day with your Mom. I've read the many responses and it looks like you have possible solutions. What you do next, do it in love, but be assertive if need be - but not aggressive. We have many cultures where parents are part of their adult children's lives - but the parents have generations of training on how to be an asset not a burden (unless medical issues arise). Trust you will be able to move forward and help her to gain some indepence.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This poor woman seems to be seriously mentally ill.She needs to have a very complete physical and mental exam and a hopefully extensive and competent diagnosis. It is possible tha a combo of desertion by her beloved and poor diet may have depleted B12, magnesium , and other nutrients necessary to a healthy well working nervous system from her body. Also, if she is taking a statin and or a strong diuretic as so many people make the mistake of doing nowadays,these so called meds could deplete nutrients and cause mental problems. So called antidepressants cause serious mental problems also.At 60, most people including myself are young, strong, and independent.Now, at 86, i am still healthy, strong, and independent.At 60, everyone should be.Longterm drug use(whether legal and or illegal) does cause dementia. Most metropolitan areas have free health care , etc. at university hospitals.I have helped many indigents receive complete exams and or treatments for only a $25 fee.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Hello, Wheredoigo85:
Why did your Mom stop working, perhaps not tried other jobs, then remain unemployed for 24 years? What work did she do back then? Can't she get Medicaid expansion in PA? Does not make sense. I know that SSDI rules are very tough. I tried unsuccessfully to obtain it for my mild ASD and learning disability condition in 2014 when my accounting work disappeared in 2012 during the Great Recession at age 56. You must be entirely unable to sit or stand for long periods in any job. Someone had told me he applied three times and got disability for his mild ASD. I used CA dept. of rehab and obtained counseling and a job coach for help. I never tried SSDI again but finally got started at SF Goodwill. What about a career rehab service for your mother's mental challenges?? I know COVID-19 complicates things but worth a try. Please apply tough love!♡

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

To: wheredoigo85:

I know this is difficult.

Have you communicated your concerns to your mom? She may want to get out and on her own but possibly -- ?? -- is experiencing difficulty with where to start. It would be a big switcheroo for her to live alone, to be independent, to "start over," BUT I truly understand that she and you would benefit best from her gaining independence; living separately.

Poster(s) who remarked on setting a timeline -- I agree. It gets the ball rolling.

I live in PA, also, and have some experience with AAA (re: my senior mom, with link to that being https://www.aging.pa.gov/aging-services/Pages/default.aspx). Have your mom check it out. I do know that the Area Agency on Aging in PA was already mentioned in this thread, and I agree that it is a solid resource to seek out and explore.

Others mentioning that this will go on and on unless addressed...a little overwhelming but a realistic point.

I am also 60 years old and currently working on keeping my job (have had health problems), making plans for the future, and crossing fingers to remain independent as long as possible.

My heart goes out to your mom, you, and your fiancé. Wishing you best of luck.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I care for 2 disabled people at my house so I am busy but here is my take. She is at retirement age and has physical and mental problems. You wanting her to be like before isnt going to happen. Circle of life. If you dont want to take care of her, which you already said you dont, you can either throw her out or talk with social worker and agency on aging in your county and do doctor visits and paperwork for her to get somebody else to support her.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

You might want to read up on Dependent Personality Disorder if you havent done so.

https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/dependent-personality-disorder

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

The biggest gift you can give your mother today on Mother's Day is informing her that she has a good long life ahead of her and that you, her loving and caring daughter, are going to help her get on her own two feet.

I have no idea what she is or is not entitled to in terms of help from the taxpayers of Pennsylvania, but she must have skills that were once categorized as "homemaker" i.e. cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, etc. And if she doesn't even have those, she can go to community college and learn something - anything - that will afford her some dignity.

Volunteering also gives people both skills and a connection to something bigger than themselves.

Given the pandemic, it will be harder to get her out of your house and on her own but you must start now knowing that the pandemic is going to make it all the more challenging. Grocery stores are essential and she can get a job.

How is she going to get to any job? Is public transportation an option in your area? If not, car rides are less expensive in the short term and she can save for a clunker of her own while learning to drive.

She is not even 60 years old! She needs to be around women her own age. There are many old people with huge homes and empty nests who are renting out rooms. It's like a real life Golden Girls.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Call 211. Get help from your county reps. They will help her get in an assisted living where she will be well-cared for.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Wow. I'm reading this. I'm 62.
No job. Never worked enough to get ssi. This is almost me!
But 1 thing.
I know better.
I have anxiety & depression.
I do odd jobs, delivery, caregiving, & I do recv medicaid/snap.
My ex is hiding from me. Alimony is past due!
I have no girls. Just 2 men/sons.
I just recvd inheritance by the grace of God.
I'm on my feet.
My biggest fear is my family putting me in assisted living.

Atleast I know better than to sponge off my boys.. heck I lived with a gf ...2yrs as I was homeless.

I just don't understand her logic.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

My hat is off to you. I am sure you will never tell your children they are "selfish" if they don't take you in. Hang in there.

Have you gone to Social Security to see if you can get part of your ex-husband's Social Security? or if he pays into a State run retirement like CalPers you might be eligible.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

In today’s times and going back to mid sixties, women started working. Especially the late 70’s. I always worked even if I didn’t have to. I never wanted to depend on a man for the same reason your mother is alone today. You never know if a spouse is going to be permanent. Anything can happen. Your mother made her choices. They were bad choices financially and she wants you to keep her up? Nope. Unless you want to keep her up from here on out, get advice from agencies in your county and state and get her settled “yesterday”. ASAP. We have heard just about every scenario out there on this site and believe us, it WILL get worse. Take the reins and get her in section 8 housing. You don’t want problems in your own marriage due to her being there and you and your new husband need to have some married life together ALONE starting out. Just because she made bad decisions over and over doesn’t mean you have to pay the price for her. Don’t enable her. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

May want to see an attorney. If your mom was married, she may be able to get alimony. If she was widowed, she may be entitled to social security based on her late husband's income. If she was never married, but has depended on different men for financial support, an attorney would know if state law provides any avenue of support from the men who have left.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

WELFARE, DISABILITY, SECTION 8....Government assistance! There’s plenty of help out there. How very unfair of your mother! Do NOT become her new boyfriend for her to take advantage of you!
I’m sorry this is so crude but again, how very unfair! She’s still young.
Government assistance is out there, you figure if Illegal Immigrants can get it, so can she. Government may even require your Mom to WORK! Gasp😦!

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Girlfriend, I am 62 years old. I would never ask my daughter to take care of me. Start the process NOW of getting her on her own. Apply to social services. They will help her with insurance. She needs mental health help and a Dr. Social services will get her into an assisted living or section 8 housing although that process takes a long time. Start now! Honestly you may need help to if you've put up with this. Maybe you have guilt or she playing victim and your falling for it. Its time for you to be free and start your family.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Help for my mother?

47 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions