My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, which looks to be stage 1. Since she doesn’t have access to good doctors where she lives, she moved in with us indefinitely. She has two dogs (so we have now become a four dog household).
I am having a lot of issues adjusting. I feel constantly stressed out that she and her dogs are in my space, even though she does have her own separate bedroom. She relies on me for transportation and complains about my dogs. She doesn’t cook or clean, and she regularly breaks things in my house. There are fairly regular mini emergencies that she looks for me to solve. When I try to express how stressed I am to my husband, he gets angry because he thinks I am complaining about her. He acknowledges that it hasn’t been healthy for me having her here. I just feel really lost and despondent. I feel guilty too that I’m not being nicer to her, I just hate having her in my space.
Any words of wisdom? What should I do? I know this post likely sounds like I am cold and heartless, I just don’t know what to do…
Similar thread. Read the answers to that thread; it sounds like both you and the other OP are in a similar predicament.
Maybe you should tell MIL she is stressing you out. Sit her down and tell her for this to work she needs to pretend she is on her own and work things out for herself. You cannot be her go to person all the time. When my Mom lost her license, we picked one day a week to do errands and have lunch. There is no reason you can't do this too. Dr appts were made at my convenience. Found her PCP was requesting she come back every 2 months. Mom was only on B/P and cholesterol medications. By law, to get refills, you only have to see a Dr every 6 months. So those visits stopped. Specialists, once Mom was stable, we went every 6 months to a year. Those little emergencies, tell her to wait until DH is home and he can do them for her. Leave her with DH and do something for yourself. Tell her you need your space. You need alone time. You are not used to someone else living with you. You'd appreciate she keep her dogs in her room.
You need to set boundries. Maybe if you give her a little of your time, she would be willing to give u urs. Try seeing things from her point but not to the point she takes advantage of that.
Did you know you'd become her primary caregiver when she moved in? Probably not, most people are assumed into this role. You don't have to accept it simply because you couldn't fully predict her needs and who'd be addressing them. I would think long and hard about her permanently living with you, even if your husband did all her caregiving. It impacts marriages by creating stressors and robbing privacy. If you have any doubts that you can continue with her in your home, I'd have that discussion with your husband sooner rather than later. Your are your husband's #1 priority (or should be). If he agrees with this then he needs to make decisions that comport with it. I wish you much success in working through this.
Just curious where MIL was previously. In her own home? If so what is the status of that. If in an apartment or condo what is going on with that? Being sold or termination of lease? If she was in Independent or Assisted Living look for a place like it near you.
You can still help with transportation.
She will have independence. If her cancer progresses then you can deal with options at that time.
But since this is MIL this is a discussion you and your husband should have and the discussion should have taken place PRIOR to her moving in.
If the idea was that she would move in with you to have access to treatment, there is one thing you can discuss without seeming anything except practical: what's the timeline for this project? I.e. How Long O Lord, How Long..?
While I find the term annoying, perhaps it's time for a "she shed." Or convert the attic or create basement space... with a locking door where you can escape and store any valuables you don't want broken. Husband should get the picture by now and be able to empathize about what this living situation is doing to not only you but probably to your marriage as well. And if he doesn't, then take care of yourself first and foremost. I hope all of you can find a way to live together.
And... You are not being cold and heartless, you are in shock over what this new living situation has done to your life. For what it's worth I think your reaction and expectations are perfectly reasonable.