I am so overwhelmed. My dad, 72, was admitted to the hospital after falling following him refusing to eat, drink, or get out of bed for 10 days. He and my mother live together, though operate fully separately as he has been incredibly emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, withholding of any form of home care or assistance to normal daily life for at least 30 years. He has been refusing to work on PT yet is nearly immobile (for no medical reason beyond him being 300+ pounds and refusing to do any form of physical activity for the past 10 years).
My mom is falling apart from the burden of medical care for someone who has cared so little about her and us kids for as long as I can remember, I am falling apart from trying to stay calm and rationally figure things out. My mother is in hysterics about this bankrupting her, about my dad blindly assuming we all will care from him after him treating us like garbage for forever, about how this will turn her or me into a 24/7 caregiver for a man who doesn’t even know how old his daughter (me) is and has openly told my mother he never even liked her. My mom is a tiny woman and physically cannot help him, even if she wanted to. He is so stubborn and mean and I don’t know how to navigate this at all. I of course want him to get care, but I need my mother who has already been through so much abuse from him to be okay. Any thoughts would help so, so much. I’m 32 and don’t know where to turn next or how to help her.
The person that you and mom need to talk to is the hospital social worker. Find out who has been assigned to dad (this may be part of "discharge planning". Tell them that dad can no longer be safely cared for at home,
In addition, ask for a geriatric psych evaluation while he is "in house".
Mom will have to hang tough and you will have to support her in her refusal.
Does mom have a family lawyer? Consider involving a certified Elder Care attorney.
The words you need are "He can't come home. He can't possibly come home. He can't receive the care he needs at home." Repeat frequently.
You and your sister should write to the social worker who is putting together the discharge plan and state clearly that you don't think your dad will be safe at home. Don't get into past abuse and what he would do if the situation is reversed. Say he's too big, his primary caretaker can't do it and there is no other family who can help. Concentrate on the fact that HE wouldn't be safe at home.
All you can do is present your mom with options. I hope she makes the right decisions for herself going forward. This is hard to watch. Come here for lots and lots of people who will sympathize!
If it were me, I would do this for Mom and not for him. Protect and support Mom and help her get out of this situation. She no longer needs to stay with him “for the sake of the kids”. Do as the others have suggested and explain in graphic detail to the social worker exactly what kind of person your father is. Make certain she understands. He needs an evaluation and to be placed in a facility who can provide the care he needs.
You can’t make your father like you by sacrificing yourself for his care.
We live in a day an age that your dad doesn't need to agree to a divorce, by the way psychological abuse is grounds for divorce.
He deserves care, but that doesn't mean any of you have to provide it. Stop going to the hospital after you tell them none of you can take care or help. They will push, guilt and bully you all trying to make you take him. Nope, not gonna happen. Disconnect from everything and let him and them figure it out.
Get mom to file while he is in the hospital and get her moved. He can't keep abusing you all if he can't reach you.
These are the consequences of treating your family like garbage, trash has been hauled away.
Do not lay down for him anymore.
How convenient for him to be able to blame everyone else for his poor choices, he has trained you all well it seems.
I am not trying to hurt you but he is responsible for his choices, no one tied him in bed and poured alcohol down his throat, did someone give him a script on how to be abusive to your wife and family and hold a gun to his head until he acted like a complete jerk.
This is how much sense it makes that you or anyone did this to him.
We all have hard times and have to make choices.
PLEASE DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR HIS CRAPPY BEHAVIOR, THAT WOULD SUIT HIM JUST FINE TO NOT HAVE TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.
Is everyone supporting the big NO, HE CAN NOT SAFELY COME HOME!
How are you all doing?
Please try to relax and "let go" of this unfairly placed burden. Your dad is being cared for.
I don't mean "bad person, stop being so angry." I mean, first of all put on your own oxygen mask by getting help with how you are feeling. If you go to any of the major cancer or blood disorder charities, you will find helplines for families and caregivers. Call one of them.
Leave your father's discharge to the social workers. What matters in this situation is what your parents want, and the social workers will guide them.