My MIL moved in several months ago after selling her home and most of her things due to her overspending and debt. She came out on the plus side of it and is living with us. She has already depleted her money from the home sale within only a few months. My husband and I have spoken with her many times (and yelled) but she continues. We cannot have her declared incompetent bcz she is able to drive and care for herself. We can not afford to take her expenses on and she still needs to pay for things. What can we do?
You might need to track your ML's expenses and spending then create a chart showing income versus outgo. I did that for my Mom after Dad died. We were trying to convince her to sell her house and move to assisted living. I had to prove to her that she was spending more on expenses for the house than her income was bringing in. (House sold in 2 days and now she is set for many years in comfort.)
I also made it clear to Mom that I was paying her bills and expenses with HER money, not mine. I take her to appointments and out to lunch, she usually treats me as thanks:) I think she likes the fact that it is her money and she is not depending on our charity.
In my practice, written agreements work well if only for bringing to attention certain behaviors are no longer acceptable.
Reasonable and low-priced (low income) housing is widely available for 55+ who can live independently. She will meet friends, develop an active social calendar with cost included activities (many places have available transportation if she does not drive).
In these communities residents look out for each other and she can make friends and be happy.
How to do this? That is the beauty with technology. All can be done on-line & via automatic transfers. Key is to have one joint account with MIL. She will be happy because she can still spend freely; you & hubby will be relieved as well.
I speak from experience with my youngest adult son.
edited to add — we also froze his credit (his idea)
I think Isthisrealyreal has a good point, if you feel helpless you become helpless! Take back your power! You have gotten some really good advice here!
Think it out and talk to your hubby. This will get worst if you don't do something about it soon.
Good luck!!
I am sure she did not raise her son to have no regard for how he spent his money. I am sure your parents raised you to budget as well.
Unless you want her living with you for the rest of her life you and your husband both need to put your foot (feet?) down and tell her that her spending is out of control.
You could fill out papers to make your husband the representative payee for her social security income.
I was the blessed one, I said not me when I was very young. I had a savings bank when I was 6 years old, all of my family at one time or another stole it from me. I just became more determined to not be like them.
It is fairly cheap to set up a studio apartment. A twin bed, a set or two of sheets, an inexpensive loveseat, a couple of bath towels, a cheap set of pots and pans, a 4 place setting set of dishes, utensils and a small television. Most of these items can be purchased second hand or at Walmart.
You have become to believe that you have no choice, she knows you believe this. What motivation does she have to do anything differently? None. That is the 1st step to change this situation. You need to make it very clear that things WILL change, one way or another. She either pays her fair share to live in your home and she does her fair share of the chores to be able to stay or she will be moved into a subsidized senior apartment. Those are the choices that she should have.
Let her throw a tantrum, doesn't change anything. Just makes it easier for you to get her out.
She has taught you that it is easier to let her have her own way then to enforce boundaries and be the mistress of YOUR home. Time to teach her that you have grown up and those days are history. If she gets to bad call the police and tell them that she needs to be transported to a psychiatric hospital because she is a danger to herself and others with these emotional breakdowns. That will get her attention that times have changed and her manipulative behavior will no longer be tolerated.
You and your husband have stopped charging her rent. Hm.
Suppose (just suppose) that you and your husband sold your house and left the area, leaving her on her own. Where would she go? How would she live?
I'm guessing you've tried this kind of Q&A session as an approach to addressing the issue, and that it hasn't got you very far. I'm sure it is also true that neither of you would dream of surreptitiously selling the house from under her and running away (fantasise, maybe, but not dream).
Well. Unless you and your husband can afford to support this lady as your permanent dependant, without severely damaging your own future financial security, you're going to have to get help. She has long passed the point where she is just a silly woman. She is not well. This is an addiction. Have you explored possible therapy options in your area?
I am in complete agreement with realyreal. You talk as if you are helpless in this situation, when in fact - you hold all the power. MIL is living in YOUR HOME as a kindness from you - or whatever word you would choose to use. You are in no way forced or obligated to have her there - living with you and your family.
Start charging her rent again and include the cost of food and all other shared household expenses.
You say she is capable of understanding - so spell out in a written rental agreement what her rent includes and “entitles” her to. She watches TV - a share of the cable bill. She bathed and uses the washing machine - a share of the water bill, she turns a light on - a share of the electric bill and so forth. Be fair about it - but even as such, I imagine these expenses will take the majority of her SS check.
IF there is any money left over then just assume she is going to blow it. DO NOT expect that she will save any of it for medical or any other “rainy day” expenses. She has proven she is incapable of doing that - over and over. That is her pattern and history. Why would you think she would be capable of being financially responsible now?
IF and and I stress IF, you are so inclined AND it does not put any financial burden on you - you can take a portion of the rent she pays you and stash it away for her. For her rainy day - as she will certainly have them. Everybody does. But, if you choose to do this - DO NOT tell her you are doing so. She’ll only demand the money at some point and get really angry when you tell her “no”.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. STOP enabling your MIL!!!
Spending can be a sign of many things. Depression, dementia (hoarding is very common and what one hoards is different for everyone.) You do not say what she is buying.
It may be time to step in before this gets more out of control than it already is. Unless you want to assume financial responsibility of her future.
Depending on what she has spent money on it may be more difficult if she has to apply for Medicaid.
If you are not charging her "room and board" it might be time to sit her down and discuss this. That there are bills that she needs to pay before she spends.
rent,food,portion of electric, gas, cable and anything else that may come up. Set a budget and from that she can spend $XXX. per month. All this IF she is competent enough to understand.
No yelling, just a rental agreement that is very specific about how much she will pay and what the consequences of nonpayment are. If she won't sign, you move her out.
She can only take advantage of you if you allow it. Put a stop to it now or you will resent her every day of her life. It will take any peace out of your home and make you miserable. She is taking advantage and will become harder to deal with as she ages if you don't set and enforce boundaries now.