Shadow23 Asked August 2023
Hoarding.
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Wife with early dementia is a hoarder and it is driving me nuts. It’s getting worse every day. I worked to hard all my life to live inside a dumpster. How does anyone cope with this?
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I enjoyed shopping when I was younger but it was more of a social thing.
You know, getting together with friends and looking in the stores. I was never a spendthrift. I have friends who could never resist buying new shoes!
I am like you are and despise clutter and I think that helps us to be ‘window shoppers.’ I enjoy browsing but only buy things that I actually need.
I find that the older I get, the less I want. It’s not that I can’t afford to buy things, I don’t desire having a lot of stuff.
Plus, I will see something pretty and then say to myself that it’s one more thing that I will have to dust! I think we reach an age where less is more.
If she's abusing you so much as you say in your profile, then she sure IS "bad enough" to move into Memory Care Assisted Living asap! Combine abuse with hoarding and you may be the one who needs medical attention before she does, at this rate!
Best of luck taking your OWN needs into consideration now, not just your wife's.
We did have a breakthrough. After a 2 1/2 hour discussion we started clearing out stuff. The whole job (one room would have taken me 30-45 min.) I held up items and she spoke of them as they were an old friend, then I tossed them gave them away or put them away. It took a lot longer that way, but it’s progress. We worked a day rest a day and we have a little more to go in room one.
If it's new items then the obvious solution is to cut off her ability to buy, if she has dementia then making sure she is accompanied when out and about and limiting her access to money should be a partial solution.
The lifetime items will be harder, obviously they have already been somewhere in your home so what has changed, is she rummaging through drawers and closets or is it just that your tolerance has lowered? And what role is her sister playing in all of this?
Or are you wanting to do the clean up yourself but stopped by your wife's strong reactions/behaviour?
Skills to tidy up or clean actually take far more skill than people often realise.
Sorting, judgement, memory, attention. All front of brain stuff.
When people lose skill in this area, things get cluttered.
They may even cover up.. Leave it for now.. etc "I'll do it later".
1. I am wondering if your wife CAN'T (rather than won't).
2. Are you ready to take this over?
I think some ground rules could help you.
- All food in cupboards or fridge.
- Items past use by out.
- All clothing in wardrobe.
- All books in a bookcase.
All items go back to their designated place.
- A box for miscellaneous
Another idea is just MOVING her stuff. A friend did this with her Mother. As a comprimise nothing got *thrown out*. Things were moved into boxes then into the garage. (From there common sense prevailed & anything perishable, plainly garbage or would attract vermin was disposed of). Once out of sight the woman promptly forgot about it.
I can and have cleaned and boxed things only to have it return. I have heard that you can not do it for them.
https://www.alz.org/media/greatermissouri/rummaging_hiding_and_hoarding_behaviors.pdf
it’s a bit of a health hazard now. I found ants and a couple of black bananas.
I am her husband/caregiver but her sister lives with us so I get breaks. She is not so bad as to send her to care but I just can’t wait that long with the junk.
I feel guilty because sometimes I dread coming home.
Again, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Happy to hear that you take breaks.
I was fortunate that when my husband and I took in my mom she was a very neat person.
My husband is also very tidy. He’s an electrical engineer and is extremely organized! A bit anal! Hahaha 🤣.
My mother in law was very tidy like my mother. She had three sons and taught them to pick up after themselves. I have never had to deal with him being sloppy.
My kids on the other hand were messy as teenagers. My solution was to close the door to their rooms! Amazingly, they outgrew their messiness and keep neat apartments now.
Wishing you well.
Have you considered placement for your wife? Then you can clean up the mess.
Are you her primary caregiver? Do you have any additional help? Do you have any time for yourself?
It would drive me nuts too. I hate clutter. I find that the older I get, the less I want. I am not materialistic.
Has your wife always kept everything?
I don’t understand the mindset of a hoarder. I know that it’s supposed to be different from a collector.
Collectors normally have their items well organized. Hoarders have a mess everywhere and their junk doesn’t necessarily have any monetary value.
It is hard for others to deal with family members who have this obsession/mental disorder. I am sorry that you are in this situation.
Hopefully, others who have experience with hoarders will chime in with suggestions for you.
Is hoarding common with some forms of dementia? My mother had dementia towards the end of her life but she was never a hoarder. She was always extremely organized and didn’t like excess clutter.