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My son Trey is 23 years old and has to make decisions for his dad. I am Trey's mother, his dad and I are divorced, but were still friends/co-parenting our kids. His dad had a fall, had an emergency craniotomy and, as a TBI patient, cannot return to work as a teacher. He has to make decisions on ALOT of things, neither he nor my daughter live with him and no family can care for him. What would be next steps? His insurance is going to be cancelled since he can't go back to work, will need to go on Medicaid and will need to look at assisted living since the nursing care facility can't care for him anymore because of insurance. This is a lot for a 23 year old, where can he get help making these decisions?

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Ugh, I'm so sorry for this situation...

Your ex has 2 issues: a wisdom-for-decisions issue, and a money issue.

Your son will certainly need to consult with more experienced adults before he makes any medical decisions on his Father's behalf. He can be the final decision-maker (on paper, with docs) but he absolutely can't make them without help.

Assuming your son is actually your ex's PoA, then he can manage his financial affairs, again with input and advice.

But, if your son is not his Father's legal PoA, this is a problem. If no one is your ex's PoA or legal guardian then technically no one is really able to make decisions for him or manage his affairs -- certainly the banks won't even talk to your son or allow him to do anything with any of the ex's accounts unless there's someone else joint on the account.

Does your ex qualify for LTC? If he's under retirement age he can apply for SSDI for him. Your son needs to start talking to a social worker to see what options there are for his Dad. It will take a while to sort stuff out. If it gets to be too much for your son, then the only other option is for a judge to court-appoint a non-family guardian. I've been in this situation with my SFIL and guardians do work in their charge's best interests, and find housing, medical care and manage all his affairs. The family will not have access but the guardian will permit healthy family relationships to continue as before.

I wish you and your son all the best in this challenging situation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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How close is your son to his dad?
AND
What help and support can you/are you willing to give the son?

This all hinges on the answers to those questions.
I agree with you.
The father has no funds, I am assuming, as you say he requires Medicaid.
He is unlikely to find ALF that will take this insurance. He will likely go into nursing home care.
The father's needs, the father's inability to pay for any of his needs, I feel is way too much for a 23 year old to negotiate. I feel if the father had funds the son could hire an attorney to help, but as it is the son is not even going to have any idea what help is available to the dad for this injury.

This gentleman was a teacher. Do you know what disability insurance he may have through that?
Was this TBI a result of any accident, because if so there may be insurance for lifetime care in the event of a suit.

If there is nothing, then I feel your husband, who has not even lived with his children, must become a ward of the state. I can't know if there is a sister or brother or parent out there to assume any caretaking decisions, but your son, as next of kin, need not take this on. Not even if he is named POA. If he is POA he can refuse to serve UNLESS he HAS ALREADY BEEN DOING SO. That would require an attorney and a plea to be dismissed from duty due to incompetency and inability to act for the father.

So it is time now for a call to social services wherever your husband is. To tell them that his son is too young, as next of kin, to act for his father, and to say that the father must have guardianship of the state.

Once this is done, of course, the family will have NOTHING to say. They will be visitors, and will not be able to weigh in on options for care, where, and etc. The State will take it all on and they will make ALL DECISIONS.

I am so sorry. This is awful. But I have a 24 year old grandson and I know full well, smart as he is, that he would in no wise be able to handle THIS. Not without a good deal of funds for good expert advice.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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For God's sake first off make sure the TBI patient has a good, reliable, trustworthy neurologist who makes regular (annual then as the patient ages every 6-months) complete physical and mental reassessments and has hospital admitting privileges; if you're not happy with how one doctor cares for your family member do not hesitate to look for another physician. Don't know where the patient is located, but a great resource for info is the NIH National Library of Medicine Medline Plus database which provides information, including links to resources and services, about a variety of topics, including TBI, at http://www.medlineplus.gov. Other very helpful resources include:
brainline.org
Brain Injury Association of America (BIAA) -- https://www.biausa.org
The Mayo Clinic has numerous locations around the country which offer excellent neurology resources.
Had a family member with TBI (40 yrs + post injury) which got to be very challenging and did require fulltime LTC following a series of strokes and seizures. Best of luck.
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Reply to Auntique
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AlvaDeer Apr 13, 2024
This question is not about medical care. This gentleman has a history of a TBI and now has further brain injury after emergency crani. For now at least he is unable to make his own decisions and is entering into care. The medical community and legal community need a family member to take over decisions for him. He has only a 23 year old son of a marriage that is broken and a son who has not lived with him and isn't qualified to make these decisions. This isn't a question about medical care. That is already in progress. It is about long term care and who can be guardian now given the Dad isn't able to make his own decisions.
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Why is your son supposed to give up everything here? I’m sure he’s a great guy, but it isn’t fair to expect your kids to stop their lives to care for a parent… and it sounds like he needs more care than your son can provide.
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AlvaDeer Apr 13, 2024
Loopy, the son is being asked to make decisions for a father who cannot do so because he is the next of kin.
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I worked in acute care and TBI patients. I used to listen to social worker conversations. It is best for his son to tell the SW that he has no resources nor ability to care for his dad. I assume his dad has no assigned POA. The facility will get a lawyer to petition probate to make him a ward of the state. Dad will be taken care of. Unfortunately the younger the child the more likely he will want everything done for dad
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Reply to MACinCT
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AlvaDeer Apr 13, 2024
I think this is right. They are looking for someone to handle LTC as in managing said choices as POA or guardian now that his Dad can't make his own decisions. I think a son who didn't even live with his dad, a son who couldn't know what he would want, a son who is this young isn't equipped for this job. They should allow, if the patient is now incompetent, the state to take guardianship I think.
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He can’t without help from others. If he really wants to he can petition for guardianship. He must do this in order to have full access to all of his resources, and he will need access to those resources to apply him for Medicaid, and place him in a place that can care for him. That will take an enormous amount of time and effort. If he’s not up to the task or doesn’t want the responsibility, then he tells the social worker that and the social worker and case manager at the facility will handle it. Is father at the hospital now or the nursing home? If he’s at the nursing home, then son or someone can call the ombudsman and tell him the situation. Always keep in mind son or anyone else should not take him home if he is unable to safely take care of him. Follow MACinCT’s advice.
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Reply to mstrbill
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Henline30 Jun 20, 2024
Trey has petitioned for guardianship. And his dad is at assisted living which is $6000 per month, we have heard that Medicaid does not cover assisted living. We just found out today from the doctor that he still will need some assistance and will not be able to go back to work. So Trey will most definitely need to get guardianship, which it seems to be taking a long time. His short term disability is about to run out. Which was his insurance thru his job FMLA. And Trey cannot care for him and knows he cannot take care of him, he has a full time job and is going to school full time, so is pretty much never home and he doesn't have the space in his apartment. His family has a GoFundMe, but those funds have run out also. So right now he needs to get guardianship and then apply for Medicaid and long term disability.
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At 57 has he not worked long enough to collect his pension? So being able to keep his insurance?

If you son has not talked to the school I think that would be my first stop. See what they can do. Did he get short-term disability thru them? Has he applied for Social Security Disability? He would get Medicare and maybe Medicaid for health. Was he in the service?

He is not going to get into an AL using Medicaid. Does the facility he is in now except Medicaid LTC? If so, start the application for Medicaid with them. If not, he will need to be moved to a facility who takes it unless he has the money to pay privately for an AL.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yes take macinct advise, talk to SW.
What if your son takes care of his Dad for 10 years or longer?
That would bring him close to being 40.
How about his education, career, family?
As I mentioned in another posts, somebody said that and I will repeat that again:
Just because one life is ruined it does not mean another live has to be ruined as well.
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Reply to Evamar
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OP has updated on mstrbills reply.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Henline, please get your son Trey to think again about applying for guardianship. Guardianship will give him a huge amount of responsibility, far more than he should be coping with. In some ways it would make more sense for YOU to be guardian, than to drop it on your son. You probably know him better than your son does! If there is no-one else, and not much money, then this is a situation for state guardianship to be appropriate. They will do their best, because that then becomes THEIR job.

State guardianship does NOT mean he has been abandoned. You both will still have contact (and probably some influence) even if you don't make all the decisions. Please don’t let Trey drift into making is his own job – he needs a real job to start his own life and career, not this. Get him to back out now, if you can.
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waytomisery Jun 21, 2024
I second this .
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Henline, thank you for your update (under mstrbill's comments) to us. We appreciate it and so seldom get them. This is a lot for a 23 year old. I am relieved he will not attempt to take on caregiving. That would not be appropriate to his life at all. I am wondering about a Board and Care of group home for this TBI injury. I hope he can get ongoing treatment. These are long and hard to fix and need a lot of PT and OT work, but there can be improvement and I think that B&C or Group Home would provide so much better "personal care". I am so relieved that Trey has your support.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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This situation is truly heartbreaking.
I feel sorry for everyone.

I am glad that your son knows his limitations. He simply cannot handle all of this on his own.

He needs help with all of this so he can make the best decision regarding his dad’s care and his own future.

Your son has a lot on his plate right now. I certainly hope that this will be resolved soon, so that he can move forward in his life.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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