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So many things Jacqueline Marcell says are so accurate and she says to put on the emotional shield to deflect the behaviours. I agree except that I already know that if I get upset with mom after repeating myself for the 16th time on every single solitary issue that comes up during the day, mother will get upset and we'll have a downward spiral that goes on for days. So, I pay the price for showing ANY frustration or lack of patience at all. It's really hard to not let anything get to you - bitterness, resentfulness - I actually think I do pretty well most of the time but eventually, I just am worn out repeating the same things over and over and over and over and over and now, putting on the emotional shield just means I am to be perfect ALL THE TIME and never, ever let any of this get to me. I'm really scared and alone. I can't just walk away for a few minutes b/c mom can't be left alone. I can easily see myself having a stroke and where will that leave her?! I just needed to vent this morning, I guess. Sorry

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Cak, I agree hearing the same thing over and over and over can be annoying and none of us is perfect with that. I honestly can say this are grad-school tests in patience and creativity. I thank God that I have my husband who is quick-witted. When dealing with my father, who has Alzheimer's, my husband was quick with the answers. I couldn't get over his creativity. Even my mother and father in-laws who came in to watch him so I could do errands one night... oh man...

Its weird too because if you give them an answer they are looking for, sometimes they will settle right down. I still laugh when I think of this one story...

We went to the hospital to visit a friend of ours. There was a guy in the bed next to him and he was fussing with the nurse how people were stealing things from his home and he had to get a cab to get home. I apparently wasn't behind the curtain divider completely and he started yelling at me, "Miss! Miss! I NEED TO GET HOME!" and he started cursing, etc. Well, I started with the obscenities with him saying how I couldn't believe those dirty SOBs would rob him and what a bunch of ***** etc. He got this big 'ol smile on his face and asked, "So the cab should be here soon?" I nodded yes and it would take him home to deal with the *****'s that were at his home. We exchanged a few more "pleasantries" and he calmed right down. He was quiet the rest of the night. Think of me what you must, but he was fine after that.

I guess when its a parent that's close to us its harder to be creative because it is so frustrating. For me personally, I have no patience for those close to me. I'm a work in progress. Thank God I don't have to be perfect because I'd be in permanent failure.

Thanks everyone for all your sharing! This is what gives me strength!
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We are all imperfect and will always be so. We do our best with what we have. We strive for more information. We share our stories and gain strength from others. We forgive ourselves our imperfections, because if we don't everyone will suffer.

Keep coming back and sharing your story, knowing we all have bad days, we all are imperfect and that's just being human.

Carol
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Perfect??? What is that? I wore two different shoes to work Monday!! Thank goodness they were both black!!
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We are all already perfect - I don't mean to split hairs, but I think that the definition in the dictionary (and society) might need a rewrite to include caregivers.

I'll be the first to start a chain -

Austin is perfect because she sees everything perfectly and tells us what she thinks!
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I have given up trying to b e perfect good is good enough
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I laugh with you, msTish! You have the right idea! lol There is only God who is perfect. We just get to be his servants. From God and from these posts, we learn how to do a good job at caregiving. Love conquers many things!
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i had to laugh at this , how can anyone be perfect, even when we think we are someone will come along and tell you not. Perfection can only come from one, and that surely is not me.
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cak-I have not seen you at this site and hope you are ok.
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Give up trying to be perfect Cak ok not perfect is good enough with what you are going through and come to this site often and you will see we are all in the same boat-and many times it feels like it is sinking-forget perfect.
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I understand that emotional shield thing. I just have to turn off "my" feelings when I need to deal with my grandmother. I had some workers at her assisted living ask me one day - why are you so bubbly all the time, you are always so happy!! Oh boy - I told them that it is hard, but regardless of what else is going on in my life, when I hit that door I shut it off and need to be upbeat for my grandmother. Unfortunately, those at home don't get the same benefit sometimes.

Granny is going through a "denial" stage right now - she was diagnosed with cancer and had a partial mastectomy in July. She has refused treatment and wouldn't even say the C word until last week. Now she is back to I am just not thinking about it - it doesn't exist. I don't understand why this is so difficult for me, but I am just setting up that barrier that you talk about. I have to be up when I see her and just continue like normal. I pray A LOT!!! She has been angry with me and short with me for the last few weeks - and yes, you are right - it gets so difficult to repeat and repeat and repeat! Sometimes we argue over the dumbest things - she just knows I am wrong about a date or whatever.

Hang in there - and I hope you get some time away to regroup - I always need that when my kids are on my nerves and when Granny is on my nerves!!!
Laura
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I found that when I worked in a hospital and a pt. would ask me a question over and over and over like what day is this something that worked at times ask the pt. the question to him or her like what day is it and at times they would give the right answer.
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Cak, you are the bigger person for not engaging in negativity with your mom. You didn't say why you have to repeat yourself is it a hearing problem? What is her illness? How old is she? My Dad is 94 and he can't hear well at all he doesnb't like the hearing aid I have to repeat alot too it is frustrating. Let us all know more about your situation. Decor
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Cak,

try respite care. We all need time alone and away. Without it I would surely not do wellat all. Not that I am great even with it. We are not perfect and it's okay. We just do our best. Sometimes I am pretty patient and other times I feel like if she says another word I will lose it.

Cindi
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No need to apologize. That's what this community is for: to share trials, tribulations and vent without fear of being judged or reprisal. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes, talking to an objective third party does wonders for the soul and peace of mind.
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