How can I best help my parents with dementia changes?

Bless you. What a tough situation to be in. You must be sick with worry. You probably figured out that giving her back was a bad idea. This is going to be tricky to reverse, but mom is worth fighting for.

If dad is preventing mom from going to the doctor, you can call Adult Protection and report a possible case of elder abuse. They have to investigate and keep your name anonymous. (I did this to my mother when she became unsafe alone.)

You need to write a letter to her doctor to let them know what's going on in that house.

It sounds like your dad needs help too. He is no longer handling it all with grace. Men that age will NOT admit they need help of any kind. This is the generation that created the "I will not ask for directions" stereotype. This can lead to a dangerous situation when they are not basing their abilities in reality anymore just to prove a stupid point to the world.

He is not going to listen to one thing daughters have to say. Especially if he feels challenged by it. My feeling is that nobody's ego is so valuable that another person needs to be sacrificed to protect it.

I hope this renter knows to keep the ___ out of it to avoid any personal liability for contributing to elder abuse.What a pickle to be in. That person could have the snot sued out of them for administering medication to her based on dad's demands and not doctor's orders.

Contact your local agency on aging to request an in-home assessment. Also eldercare.gov is a resource to get a plan going. You & your sisters need to present a united front to crack this.

If they have a pastor/clergy, I would consult with that person and see if they can help by doing a drop-in visit. The police can also be called to do a welfare-check on anyone you suspect is in danger or not being treated well, domestic, or elder abuse.

If there are neighbors or friends of your mom who can do unannounced drop--ins, that can give you a source of eye/ears/noses.

You can take dad to court to challenge his competency as a POA, but this will involve attorneys. You can petition for guardianship, which will force him to be evaluated.

If you think for a minute that he is yelling at her, not bathing or changing her, not feeding her, withholding medical care, and is unable to properly administer medication, you have every right to request a social services visit. But like I said before, it needs to be in the form of a vulnerable adult/possible abuse situation report. I would keep family politics and hurt feelings out of it completely. Just report the facts as you know them and say that you believe it's urgent because he won't let her talk on the phone.

Dad can't refuse to let APS in to evaluate. They will have the Sheriff bust down the door if they have to. (Ask me how I know....)

If you can be there, all the better. Dad doesn't ever need to know one of you reported him. Just say they called you at work to get involved. Then you get to be ticked off at him! Take pictures of everything. Video your mom. Video your dad, but be discreet about it. Check mom for pressure sores on her back/butt/legs/feet. Check her all over for bruises - not necessarily from being hit, but from being in one spot for a long time. Is she clean? Are her clothes clean? Get a record of the state of the house, her bed, the toilets, the fridge, the laundry. Document, document, document.

OR you could be sneaky and one of you take dad on vacation, and the others take mom and place her back in care "temporarily".

Then Dad has got to be seen by a geriatric specialist who can make sure everything is OK with him. If his anger has skyrocketed it could be due to lots of things, but the doctor needs to check him out and not blow your concerns off.

I had a family member whose husband was like this. At the end of her battle with cancer, he refused to let hospice in to bathe her or anything. He said he was doing it all himself, but there was no way this joker could have handled it. He wouldn't let her sisters in to visit unless he was in the room every moment. This is a form of abuse and control, so don't diminish it. Long story short, she was dead soon after. His story just did not add up at all, but the police didn't investigate because she was old and had a terminal disease anyway. This was infuriating to think that he hastened and may have caused her death due to negligence. He was not an over stressed man with other problems greater than his ability to deal with, but when a vulnerable person is isolated and alienated from help, that is never a good sign. Go with your gut.

Document all of these behaviors and call Adult Protective Services. He is becoming too aggressive and I am concerned he may hurt your mother and himself. Both of them need help. Get help ASAP.

Please take the advice of sandwich42plus and ferris1 and call Adult Protective Services at once!

I would also speak with the local police department - in a face to face visit with the Chief of another higher-up and let them know my szerious concerns for my mother's safety. Police are now well-informed about domestic abusive situations and controlling behaviors, and should appreciate your giving them this information - to avoid potential criminal abuse.

Finally, it' sounds like your father needs a neurological assessment himself.

Wishing you strength and courage as you handle this difficult situation!

I too would document, take photos if you can, record conversations if you can, and call APS. NOW.

But I don't understand something you wrote, that "he's begun correspondencia by end-all again". Could you explain?

I'm wondering if your father has shown controlling and domineering personality traits throughout his life? He has had some business setbacks and that could affect his own outlook of himself, make him angry and defensive that he wasn't as good a financial provider as he used to be, and channeling his anger at your mother and you.

I'm sorry to hear how tough this is for you. As a professional working with Alzheimer's patients it seems clear that your dad has dementia of some kind himself.
Therefore, he makes decisions not based on reality, such as calling the police to get your mom to take her meds.
If you decide to contact what we call in WA state, Adult Protective Services, they may be overwhelmed with too many requests for assistance. You need to ask if they think they can get to your mom.
If I were you I would contact the Bar Association for your district to get a list of
elder law attorneys in your region. Call one or two and explain as simply as possible what your concerns are. A decent attorney will give you a short consult over the phone. Elder law attorneys are well versed in what needs to happen in specific cases.
I would even make an appointment with such an attorney who can help you through a short-term counseling session. Be sure to take a notebook and pen to take notes. The attorney should not pressure you but should show expertise and be able to also refer you to resources.
Good luck!

When you say end all what do u mean. Is he saying he wants to end it all? If that is the case you must take him seriously and get help. You can ask the police to accompany you there with any other family that will help. They will go if they beleive their lives are in danger. And if that is the case they will support you as you remove your mom from the situation. But remember dad needs help too. If you could explain what you meant by that statement it would help.

Does your mom have an opinion on this? Maybe she can just say she wants out and then you can help her get out. I called Adult Protective services on a bed ridden 93 year old who's hoarder daughter moved in and filled her place to where an aid got hurt by tumbling stuff. They said they couldn't do anything because the 93 year old was okay with her daughter's hoarding. I said she's stuck in her bed. She can't even see what is going on. Disappointing. I would just get her out of there, and let the chips fall....

Get APS involved.

Dear Up and Out 5,
you are in a very difficult situation, I will pray for you and your family. Take care of your mom. Everyone who has responded to your question has given you great advice, reach out to APS. Don't give up, you have your siblings to support you and help you with your concerns, APS will listen.
Good luck and lots of blessings.

Trust me, even if you unsuccessfully try to intervene, if he keeps calling 911 for non-emergent things, the police & EMS will see to it that whatever necessary agencies are brought in to rectify the situation. I've seen it done many times as it "wastes" 911 resources to go out on these calls and, even if they don't go to the residence, the non-emergent phone calls jamming up the system are seen as a public safety hazard because it prevents those with true emergencies from getting through in a timely manner.

I learned from reps of the local PD about 6 weeks ago at a local senior expo that there's a priority alternative to 911. It's for non-emergency calls that require EMS assistance, but aren't life threatening.

You might want to check that out as it might be a temporary alternative to calling 911. And ask them directly how to handle these kinds of incidents in the future.

Please take everyone's advice and call APS. However, I am confused about something. He called police to force her to take medicine? Did they actually help him for her to take medicine she clearly didn't want to take? In that case you need to have a discussion with the chief of police, and perhaps the local newspaper. There is no reason a police officer should be forcing someone to take medicine.

Garden u are in my area can you share that number. It may come in handy. Thanks Ruth

Ruth, I've made a note to look up the number first thing tomorrow. It's easier for me to spot it more quickly during the daytime.

Thanks a bunch

To help my parents with dementia i will send them to senior home care wherein they will undergo treatment programs that would be helpful in their fast recovery. adultdaycarerenco is capable in helping seniors with dementia.