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You can set up Informed Delivery. The post office will send you an email every morning with scans of the mail being delivered that day. If you set it up for your brother's address, they will send him a verification notice and he can cancel it, but it sounds like he most likely wouldn't.
That would make you aware of what is incoming. But do you have your brother's POA, and has it been activated? Or would he be willing to give it to you? If not, at least you would see what he's getting -- overdue notices, legal notices, bills, etc., and could try to talk with him about it.
Thank you for the suggestion. I have started receiving informed delivery for my sibling (sister); however, I’m only able to ascertain where the mail is coming from, not its contents.
This is NOT early dementia if your sibling is unable to pay biils or identify actions that need to be taken. This sibling needs more care than you think and should not be living alone. They need a full time caregiver who can help with mail and everything else that's needed. Call an agency in your siblings area. I'd also take a trip there to lay eyes on him and determine for myself what's needed and just how bad things are.
Agree! I have been traveling to see her regularly. She does have a “helper” visit daily, but will not be involved in the mail, per agency rules. Definitely early stage, but needs this added support to live alone.
I agree with lealonnie1: if you are seeing blatant signs of impairment on a regular basis then they are in moderate dementia, not early.
Your sibling's management requirements and safety situation will just continue to devolve, so what is your plan for this? If you are not their PoA (and they don't have one) then you should be calling APS and working on getting them a court assigned 3rd party guardian (since you are probably too close in age to your sibling). They would be much better off in a good facility. You may put a lot of effort into setting up remote management only to find it is really not enough of a solution. You both need something sustainable going forward.
Thanks for your reply. She is definitely not going to live outside her home on her own free will! I am trying to get the necessary support structure in place for her to live at home safely. Things may change in the future, but this is where we are at the moment,
Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason, impairs their executive functioning so they can't make good judgments, takes away their ability to have empathy for others (ie caregivers orbiting around their unreasonable expectations and demands). There is no "live at home safely." for someone with moderate dementia who is alone. Knowing this, should she be making decisions about where and how she can "safely" live? No. Not now and not in the future. Respectfully, it's in both your best interests to get a sustainable solution in place asap whether she "agrees" to it or not. If you are her PoA then do what it takes to activate the authority. If you aren't her PoA and she doesn't have one, then she will need a guardian to make legal decisions for her. This can be you or a court-assigned one. There's no reason to wait. If you attempt to do long-distance management you will at a minimum need 24/7 in-home aid(s). Without this (or facility care) mostly what will happen is you juggling flaming balls and setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. If she rejects in-home aids then it will be 100% a total poop show. I'm recommending you put your energies into a permanent, sustainable solution rather than cobbing together what a demented person wants and thinks is good for her but isn't. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is guaranteed.
If you are her POA, then you can make necessary changes.
Put bills on auto pay from her bank account which you can manage electronically. I put a locked mail box with a deep reservoir at my DH aunts home. This helped keep the mail out of the house where aunt might throw it away or where it could be misplaced. When I visited I retrieved the mail and took care of it there.
If you are not her POA then you and sister need to see a certified elder attorney as soon as possible to get her affairs in order. The longer you wait the less likely she will be able to sign anything for herself. It may already be too late for that and a guardian will be needed. Please don’t wait until there is an emergency before taking action. If sister is not cooperative you may not be able to circumvent the problems. Somehow things do resolve.
Often the caregiver passes before the care recipient. Plus as obvious as it is and no disrespect intended, we forget that we caregivers are not infallible. We are getting older as well. You or whomever is deemed most appropriate, need legal advice based on sisters unique circumstances.
The mail seems like a big problem now and I get it, you are trying to take care of what’s on your plate today.
Try not to over commit yourself. It won’t serve either of you well. It doesn’t take long to be emtionally depleted when dealing with this very difficult disease. I’m not encouraging you to abandon your sister, only to face the realities.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think a question about mail was the very first thing I asked here.
The simplest answer to your question is to ask the helper agency what they'd recommend - they have to have run into this before. Perhaps they can recommend further services. Also contact the area agency on aging and see what services they can provide - be persistent in calling/contacting them as they are likely overwhelmed, but they will know what's available.
For what you can do on your own, I agree with 97yroldmom - the easiest thing is for you to take over handling the accounts. Talk about this with your sister. If she is still competent then she needs to give permission to do all of this. At the very least you need her to consent to give you power of attorney. Also useful is if she consents to add your name to her bank accounts, which makes it easier for you to write checks for her. Then go to an elder care lawyer and establish POA (also a good time to have a will and other estate docs set up - she will eventually not be able to sign these legally, so do them now.)
THEN go with your sister to the bank and have your name put on your sister's bank accounts, and have new checks made with both of your names on them. Make/use her login info for web accounts for the places that send her bills (power, water, etc.), and manage her bills as if they were your own - turn on autopay from her accounts, opt out of paper bills, etc. and her mail will slowly turn into emails that are sent to you. Then you can pay electronically or write a check from her account.
For anything where electronic isn't an option, (again, with her permission) see if it makes sense to change the mailing address on those accounts to YOUR address. Also, think of it like moving - every time something comes to her address that you want to be routed to you, call/check the web for how to make that bill/notice digital or to change its address to yours. Eventually the flow of important mail to her mailbox will slow/stop.
Then it's just a matter of checking the box every few weeks to make sure nothing has fallen through the cracks. If you can't travel to do that, again I'd ask the agency what they CAN do - can they bring the mail inside? Is there some other kind of caretaker they can recommend who can package the important looking things up and mail them to you without opening them? There's always the option of just doing a change of address for your sister (again, with permission), but if she IS still living at home, that might cause some confusion with some accounts.
I know how overwhelming the daily flow of mail feels, but other commenters are right - this will get easier as you set up a system. And really, very little of it is actually important.
I also echo others' comments, that not being able to manage bills is a big red flag, and it would help you to prepare now for your sister's condition to worsen. Not managing bills means she's losing sense of time, losing the ability to track important things in general, and that can quickly turn into inability to track daily house/personal maintenance, cleaning, fire safety, health appointments, or her own location. Some of those things can be outsourced (housekeeping service, a personal assistant/medvan service to track/take her to appointments), but for some the only option is 24-7 support. If she is independently wealthy and can afford a rotation of live-in aides, maybe that's something that can be set up in her home. If not, moving to memory care will become the only option.
I know it's overwhelming to think about. Take it a bit at a time. Any preparations you make now (looking up places, understanding Medicaid, knowing what services are available) will help. Contact the area agency on aging in your sister's area, they'll know where to start.
I essentially did what wandering aster did by physically bringing my mom to the bank and also USPS to forward mail. Then I changed all billing addresses as they came in. Same with taxes with 1099s. I could bring her taxes to many accountants if there were different states. Most have access to state forms. I did have POA and after my signiture I added "personal assistant"
Can you get their mail forwarded to you? There is a lag time, which could affect bill payments. Either get POA for your sister, or on your next visit, set up her bills (and ANY important correspondence; bank statements, Soc Security communications; all bills) as email communications and statements; have them sent to you or an email you have access to. Set up all her billing accounts as online as well, using sign in credentials you know, so you can monitor and manage bill payments for her online. You will also need online access to her bank accounts. Either she can give you the log in credentials or use POA to gain access, although that will be more trouble and more time consuming.
You might need to either - hire a caregiver who can help you with these matters or - ask for a volunteer and/or network / ask / post or a notice at: church college library. MD Friends, neighbors near Call your county's Hall of Justice / Senior Services Dept. and see if they have referrals.
You can do it remotely. Ask someone with computer know-how to set you up to access her accounts from your computer. Or change her account emails (bank, ccard, utilities, insurance) to yours. DO NOT delegate the task of managing her accounts to someone else! Too much opportunity for fraud.
No matter what, you MUST know her pwds, b/c eventually she will forget them.
Get your name on her bank acct and get listed as her back up contact for utilities, taxes, insurance.
Also alert local fire, police, EMS of her condition. Know where there is an emergency key so they don't have to bust down door if there is an emergency.
Get phone numbers of a few key neighbors and give them yours.
Sign up with the USPS for mail notification. That way you know what is being mailed to their house. Set up all the accounts for auto pay, you'll never miss a date. Put cameras in the common areas of the house. (Kitchen, family room, places they hang out) Their bedrooms remain private, but if you don't see them within a given time, look at history of the camera. I found out about falls, visitors (welcomed and unwelcomed).
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
That would make you aware of what is incoming. But do you have your brother's POA, and has it been activated? Or would he be willing to give it to you? If not, at least you would see what he's getting -- overdue notices, legal notices, bills, etc., and could try to talk with him about it.
https://www.usps.com/manage/informed-delivery.htm
Good luck to you.
Your sibling's management requirements and safety situation will just continue to devolve, so what is your plan for this? If you are not their PoA (and they don't have one) then you should be calling APS and working on getting them a court assigned 3rd party guardian (since you are probably too close in age to your sibling). They would be much better off in a good facility. You may put a lot of effort into setting up remote management only to find it is really not enough of a solution. You both need something sustainable going forward.
Put bills on auto pay from her bank account which you can manage electronically.
I put a locked mail box with a deep reservoir at my DH aunts home. This helped keep the mail out of the house where aunt might throw it away or where it could be misplaced. When I visited I retrieved the mail and took care of it there.
If you are not her POA then you and sister need to see a certified elder attorney as soon as possible to get her affairs in order. The longer you wait the less likely she will be able to sign anything for herself. It may already be too late for that and a guardian will be needed. Please don’t wait until there is an emergency before taking action. If sister is not cooperative you may not be able to circumvent the problems. Somehow things do resolve.
Often the caregiver passes before the care recipient. Plus as obvious as it is and no disrespect intended, we forget that we caregivers are not infallible. We are getting older as well. You or whomever is deemed most appropriate, need legal advice based on sisters unique circumstances.
The mail seems like a big problem now and I get it, you are trying to take care of what’s on your plate today.
Try not to over commit yourself. It won’t serve either of you well. It doesn’t take long to be emtionally depleted when dealing with this very difficult disease. I’m not encouraging you to abandon your sister, only to face the realities.
Welcome to the forum.
The simplest answer to your question is to ask the helper agency what they'd recommend - they have to have run into this before. Perhaps they can recommend further services. Also contact the area agency on aging and see what services they can provide - be persistent in calling/contacting them as they are likely overwhelmed, but they will know what's available.
For what you can do on your own, I agree with 97yroldmom - the easiest thing is for you to take over handling the accounts. Talk about this with your sister. If she is still competent then she needs to give permission to do all of this. At the very least you need her to consent to give you power of attorney. Also useful is if she consents to add your name to her bank accounts, which makes it easier for you to write checks for her. Then go to an elder care lawyer and establish POA (also a good time to have a will and other estate docs set up - she will eventually not be able to sign these legally, so do them now.)
THEN go with your sister to the bank and have your name put on your sister's bank accounts, and have new checks made with both of your names on them. Make/use her login info for web accounts for the places that send her bills (power, water, etc.), and manage her bills as if they were your own - turn on autopay from her accounts, opt out of paper bills, etc. and her mail will slowly turn into emails that are sent to you. Then you can pay electronically or write a check from her account.
For anything where electronic isn't an option, (again, with her permission) see if it makes sense to change the mailing address on those accounts to YOUR address. Also, think of it like moving - every time something comes to her address that you want to be routed to you, call/check the web for how to make that bill/notice digital or to change its address to yours. Eventually the flow of important mail to her mailbox will slow/stop.
Then it's just a matter of checking the box every few weeks to make sure nothing has fallen through the cracks. If you can't travel to do that, again I'd ask the agency what they CAN do - can they bring the mail inside? Is there some other kind of caretaker they can recommend who can package the important looking things up and mail them to you without opening them? There's always the option of just doing a change of address for your sister (again, with permission), but if she IS still living at home, that might cause some confusion with some accounts.
I know how overwhelming the daily flow of mail feels, but other commenters are right - this will get easier as you set up a system. And really, very little of it is actually important.
I also echo others' comments, that not being able to manage bills is a big red flag, and it would help you to prepare now for your sister's condition to worsen. Not managing bills means she's losing sense of time, losing the ability to track important things in general, and that can quickly turn into inability to track daily house/personal maintenance, cleaning, fire safety, health appointments, or her own location. Some of those things can be outsourced (housekeeping service, a personal assistant/medvan service to track/take her to appointments), but for some the only option is 24-7 support. If she is independently wealthy and can afford a rotation of live-in aides, maybe that's something that can be set up in her home. If not, moving to memory care will become the only option.
I know it's overwhelming to think about. Take it a bit at a time. Any preparations you make now (looking up places, understanding Medicaid, knowing what services are available) will help. Contact the area agency on aging in your sister's area, they'll know where to start.
I'm sorry. Good luck.
Either get POA for your sister, or on your next visit, set up her bills (and ANY important correspondence; bank statements, Soc Security communications; all bills) as email communications and statements; have them sent to you or an email you have access to. Set up all her billing accounts as online as well, using sign in credentials you know, so you can monitor and manage bill payments for her online. You will also need online access to her bank accounts. Either she can give you the log in credentials or use POA to gain access, although that will be more trouble and more time consuming.
- hire a caregiver who can help you with these matters or
- ask for a volunteer and/or network / ask / post or a notice at:
church
college
library.
MD
Friends, neighbors near
Call your county's Hall of Justice / Senior Services Dept. and see if they have referrals.
No matter what, you MUST know her pwds, b/c eventually she will forget them.
Get your name on her bank acct and get listed as her back up contact for utilities, taxes, insurance.
Also alert local fire, police, EMS of her condition. Know where there is an emergency key so they don't have to bust down door if there is an emergency.
Get phone numbers of a few key neighbors and give them yours.