It's been off/on for year's now, that my husband has forced his dad's care upon myself. I'm disabled & it's becoming (seriously) overwhelming for myself. His son refuses to help him or do anything to help me or his own father. I'm becoming resentful this has been forced upon myself. I have no life, since this has happened. My attitude(s) have changed & not for the better either. I find, the patients I used to have, is all but empty, like a glass. I need some direction.
Does this person you are taking care of live in your house? Can you explain the living arrangements a bit?
Many people here will want to offer you suggestions and support. It will help us to have a few more details.
I've told his son, this is too much for me, as I'm (legally) disabled. His son refuses to place/put him in a nursing home. His son doesn't want to do that. For many reason's, I'm sure I can understand. However, my health isn't the greatest. I'm emotionally unable to keep doing this, because it's a huge responsiblity. His son, doesn't seem to care, how much I'm suffering. As long as I continue to care for his father. Personally, I feel like a "caged animal." I have no life, I'm (more) run-down with my own (personal) health issues. I just can't seem to make his son understand? I need some help/guidance/assistance please. Thank you.
Thank you for your reply. I would enjoy leaving, but I have no family, no friend's, & no money to go;any place. His son knows this & I think it further "enables" him to keep me in this "position." It's hard, for his son, I'm sure. However, his son's done nothing, but keep up on his bill's, to help his own father. Since I have no family of my own, I don't know how to "relate" to any/all of this? I do know, that my health is suffering;greatly, due to the overwhelming amount of stress this is/has caused me. I don't want to see his father go through this, as he used to be a wonderful, kind, & caring man. However, what was, is no longer there. It's sad, tragic, & hard to deal with;daily. I miss who he was/used to be. Now, it's like all he does is play mean games, refuses to help himself, since he's (more than) still capable of doing things. I think the hardest part of all of this, is having his son refuse to step up & care for his ailing father. It's heartbreaking to see that he doesn't want to help him, just pay his bill's & force me to do the rest for him.
I deeply appreciate your advice/input. Thank you.
No one can force this on you. Are you on disability payments? Do you have a case worker?
Now, while I can't relate to (personally) enduring/going through that, since I did mention I have no family of my own, I think he uses that as his (own) personal reason(s) for not doing that for his father. I however, feel/think that he's just refusing to see the "reality" of what's going on & how much this takes out of a person. I've been verbally abused by his father, been accused of doing things, that have never been done. His last hospital visit, amounted to him telling the nurse, I hadn't feed him in 2 day's. Reality is, he eats every 2 hours or even more most day's. He refuses to do, even the most trivial of things for himself.
I don't need to go to jail, because his father's confused about the reality of his own life. I don't need this much stress, being forced upon myself. I have (serious) health issues, that are just becoming worse, because I can't get a break for myself. I know, in reality, that it must be difficult for his son, as well as his father. Neither one of them can see how difficult it is for me. I feel terrible on many levels. I just want my life back. Is that wrong? I feel, so deeply, that it is. I know IF I don't take care of him, his son will not, because the past has proven just that.
What resources has dad got? Would he qualify for Medicaid? Has he been examined by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds help with paranoia.
You have no friends? Do you have medical insurance? Find a therapist or mental health counselor and start going to therapy. Go to the public library. Walk in the park. Start getting used to GETTING OUT.
No, honestly, I have no friends. I do have medical insurance. However, due to being unable to leave his father alone, I'm unable to do anything. His son is only around him, for short period's of time. That would be less than a few hours, before it's bed time & Sunday's the only day he has off. So, that mean, for 12 hours a day, 6 day's a week, I'm the one providing his father with whatever he needs.
Are your husband/father-in-law from another culture originally, which might explain their behavior towards you, in expecting you to just take care of your father-in-law?
If your father-in-law has Alzheimers, which you say he has, you need to educate yourself about what that means for his behaviors. You are saying he's not doing for himself. If he has Alzheimers, his brain is broken and he may NOT be able to do for himself. The same about him being mean to you or saying you haven't fed him for two days. Anyone who knows anything about Alzheimers (or dementia) understands that you can't take what those folks say at face value.
My mom, who has no short-term memory, will say it's the first time she's heard something, when I've told it to her 20X. I'm not worried about anyone thinking she's telling the truth, because if you're around her for 10 minutes, you can see she's not remembering what happened two minutes ago. So quit worrying about what your father-in-law might say about not being fed, if he's of normal weight.
I would start checking with your father's insurance (Medicare, I assume) to see if outside caregivers can be brought in for a few hours a week, to give you a break.
Have you ever had friends? If so, start contacting some of them to reestablish contact. Your husband and father-in-law are happy with how things are, so don't expect any help from them. You have to be the one to change your life and it will take some major guts on your part. But you can do it!
Now, I don't know all the "effects" of his disease, but I've done (enough) reading to know, that he's not as unable to do things as his behaviour(s)/attitude(s) are. I give him showers, because I know that he's not able to handle things like that. However, even shaving his face, with an electric shaver, he seems not to even want to do? Even that I must do for him. I do, however, have him change his own clothes. That he has no problem(s) with. It's almost like he doesn't want to do things for himself, so that he doesn't have to live alone any more. While I can understand he needs help, the degree(s) of the help he (truly) needs, isn't as much as what he's (truly) capable of doing for himself. He, again, just makes the choice(s) not to, so he doesn't have to do anything & have it (pretty much) all done for him.
I do care/love him, but to me, being taken advantage of isn't right/correct. I don't believe, in all honesty, that he could or even should be left alone.
I personally think/feel it comes down his father refusing to want to do anything for himself, since it's been made "easy" for him not to. I serve him breakfast, lunch, & dinner. I have done his laundry for him, helped him shower, shave, clipped his finger/toe nails, & even cut his hair. When you become "accustom" to someone that you know will do it all for you, why make any efforts? I think that's what all of this boils down to. I've constantly been the one that brings him back to a healthier state. While, mentally, I can tell when he's "off" a bit, for the majority of things, at least for right now, he's "on."
I was in a similar situation with my husband's father, for the last 6-8 months of his life. My hubby felt that I had plenty of time and energy to take care of his father (and two of our own daughters, who still lived at home) AND take care of our home and all that goes along with it.
I was completely unappreciated, by my hubby, and had his father not passed away when he did--I think this would have ended our marriage. Hubby said "family takes care of family"--but anything remotely related to caregiving, hubby would get faintheaded and have to lie down. Literally, he could not handle ANYTHING "gross" and was useless with care. I ended up going to dad's house 3-4 times a day (20 mile roundtrip) so he could get the care he needed. I absolutely refused to bring him into our home, something that is STILL an issue between hubby and myself. To this day he thinks his dad would still be alive if I had been a better caregiver. The truth is, he had leukemia and he outlived his sentence by 10 years.
I did not take time for myself, at all. I was on the go 20 hours a day---after dad died and we liquidated all his assets--I began having migraines, nonstop that lasted for weeks. Just PTSD. Hubby didn't get it.
I WISH I had passed a weekend of care off to my hubby. Several, actually. Simply tell him "You take care of your father 24/7 for 3-4 days. See how that goes". He would have fallen to pieces.
Do check into other areas for care. You are obviously burned out and unhappy. Sounds like your marriage is not in the greatest shape, either. My husband alternately liked/hated that I spent so much time on his dad. He wouldn't help, so he couldn't really complain, but he was a jerk most of the time. Dad was sweet and tried to not be a nuisance, but he was so sick. It was dealing with my hubby that was hard. 13 years later, he's still mad at me, on some level.
In retrospect, dad should have been in a NH the last year of his life. We tried to give him quality of life, he had it, but at what a huge cost to me, my health and my marriage. I do know that when my MIL gets to "that stage" I will not be here to help. Sounds mean, I know, but I HAVE to self preserve. So do you. Good luck.
I think the biggest problem(s) are with his son & not "accepting" that he should be doing the (majority) of the work for his own father. To me, "passing the buck" to someone else, that has (serious) health issue's of their own, isn't looking "through the glass from both sides." It's "tunnel vision." Having a property, that is not being used, because his father's at our place, is a (complete) waste of monies, in my way(s) of thinking. It could be better used, by helping his father & providing him with addtional services that are avaible for someone with his condition(s). It also could be used, for providing care for his father & giving me a bit of time to "recharge my batteries" from all of this. It's not a reality that will soon happen & I can see this. I just need to find some (productive) ways to keep getting through this on a daily basis. Again, this places helps me more than I can express.
I think had the FAMILY accepted what I saw: Dad (FIL) was in the final stages of life--then we could have had a sit down and discussed his care. This never happened. The 2 sons just looked the other way and my SIL was stressed over a wedding for her daughter. Families need to talk and be together on the care plan. (Laughing to myself: my family is nowhere near being like this for mother's care. It's a hot mess, all the time).
Hard to play the "shoulda, woulda, coulda, game. Nobody wins.